The End of The Year
So, I won't have access to a computer during the next few days, so I'll leave my wishes for a good New Year to everyone, may your resolutions become true, mey this new year be a lucky year to everyone who deserves and may this year bring new and exciting things to everyone's lives.
When I get back I'll post something, maybe I'll start the year with an Adveturer's Chronicle, as a promisse to work harder on my book.
Good festivities to you all, see you next year.
                                                                              ~ Maelstron, retired guardian, true friend. ~

Plans & Dreams
As I went on my way home, I wondered about my dreams. Dreams, not those like winning the lottery, learning how to cast magic or meeting the perfect girl, dreams like those you plan to do if the circumstances arise. I have many plans for most circumstances, some are normal, may happen or will happen in time, some are very ambitious, depending mostly on me getting a lot of money.
I guess anyone has their own plans, they work towards them most of their life, hopefully without disturbing the dreams of others. I have began to work on some of them, others I still have not enough maturity or money to begin. But some days I makes me very happy just imagining what would be if I realized my dreams. And for some strange reason I feel like sharing them here.
So to make things simple I won't mention dreams that have to alter reality to work, or simple things as where I would like to work and other things that are too generic. Like most people, there are the basic things you normally want, like having a family and stuff, but as many people are told, there is one thing every man should do in life, write a book. (the original sentence is, "there are three things every man should do in life, write a book, plant a tree and have a child"). I have no special interest in the two last, but I would be sad to leave this world without finishing my book. Many of you reading this have read some parts from it, as did some other people, I've finished the first chapter, I only have to put it in a digital format and pass it around to see what some friends have to say.
On dreams a little more difficult, I would like to create a successful RPG system. I have little hopes of it becoming a world know success, but if I get to publish it I would be happy enough. I am working on this dream, I have most of it defined, I just lack creativity to fill long lists of things needed to give players a choice.
But two dreams haunt me, as I would love to do them, but I can only accomplish them with a quantity of money far from normal. One is simple, to build a replica of an Opera House, shown in the game Final Fantasy VI. I don't know why, I simply want to build it, maybe because to me it is simply beautiful, but this king of construction would take probably millions. The other is to create a system, with a database, where people could play RPG in the same world, playing with official game master and keeping a track of every player and their location, so it would be possible to create events, quests and many other things so people could be a part of a ever changing world. Well my description probably confused every one, but it is simple to say that I would like to be able to play RPG, like the classic paper & sheet RPG, but online, like on a chat, but with many features to help.
These two dreams I have been carrying for some time, and I have no idea if I will be able to achieve them one day, but I surely will work for it. They are far fetched, I know, but many dreams are, and these are mine. Strangely I have no dream of getting rich, building a great family, finding the nirvana, traveling around the world or anything more common. Just these dreams, that are not for me, just for my personal achievement and for others to enjoy.
Guess I have much work to do still right?!
I'll update here if I have any good progress ^^.
Until then, merry Christmas to everyone.

Exhaustion
This end of semester has been quite demanding. Lots of work to do, things to study and things to get. The thing is, I haven't been able to really rest in a while, not even after my vacation started. I have been trying to see some people, go out with friends, invite people to do stuff and when I get some free time, play some games. With all that I haven't been able to take this semester's load of my back.
Not only time seems scarce but for some unfortunate turn of events in my college I'm still getting work to do, as the group project had a horrible turnout. With this I'm still a bit stressed with college. Not only that but I still haven't sorted out people related stuff. It took out some of the energy finding most people around me very inconsiderate, taking out other people's flaws on me, being offensive against me when my intentions are the best, people lacking touch or the ability to be caring and to be nice every now and then. So many consequences. I still dwell in conflict between regret, and the lonely relief.
Maybe a great frustration of mine is that for about a year, I have been waiting to get my hands on the Nintendo Wii. I've read many articles, I've followed the development of the console and its features, I've seen many videos, I defended it, I hoped it would be a success and it even launched the same day as my birthday. But for some sort of irony, it was such a success that it was sold out before I could try to buy one. Its ironic how from all people I know, I was probably the most eager to play it, and will end up being one of the last to do so. I suppose there is some fairness there somewhere, but I don't want to search for it. I'll have to wait until next year to get my long waited video game. I hoped I would have some game to play until then, but even though I got my friend his long waited game, and got a game borrowed from another friend, I either lack the console or a game to play. There goes my sanity.
There will be so much to do this vacation. I have two trips to plan, which I'll be doing with the assistance of only one person. I have work to do, my graduation project to begin and a semi personal project to do. All this in the few weeks I'll get. All this planning and trying to adapt everything to other people's schedule and very little help, hearing lots of complaints and with no time to rest.
On the bright side, one old friend has shown me that given time to her, she would be there with me, enjoying a good afternoon in the pool, hearing me troubles, giving support and sharing lives. I missed that. I have another friend whose simple touch and kiss if filled with most pure friendship. Have I grown so used to not having any care and sweetness in my life? My dead side would expect to be invited by the people I like to do things with them, for them to share things they know are important to me and even take me into consideration before doing something. But I think I proved to myself this semester that I gain more fighting alone, that few people, if no one, care about me and that if I don't keep going after my friends they, as sure as hell, won't move a muscle to come after me. I wish every day that I am wrong. I wish every day that someone will prove me wrong. I wish every day that I wasn't able to foresee the repercussions.
Well as for now, I am distracting myself with some sword play, some old games, a swimming pool, reading and blogging. Soon it will be Christmas which means I'll be in the kitchen cooking for Christmas dinner on the 23rd and 24th. Maybe then I can get some rest.

Sanity
I miss my old friendships,
I miss having someone to talk to,
I miss having hope,
I miss that thrill of a new game,
I miss dreaming that someone will someday surprise me with a nice day,
I miss sleeping without waking up every hour.
I can't take this anymore, I am completely tired, exhausted. All the troubles I have been through, and every discussion with others, all the stress studying, and no fun for me, no reward in the end, only pain and stress. And all that I have waited for is no happening. It will be a much more boring vacation than I expected.
It seems as people work against me. Everything I plan, want to do or invite anyone to join me, is a failure. People ignore, plan things over to do what they want, or simply don't show up. I wonder what has happened in my life to be in this point.
The only things that work in my life are when I try to do something for others, to make others happy. Yes I easy can get things from around the world if it means giving a nice present to someone. But every action to get something I want badly fail miserably.
As my hope and sanity crumbles with exhaustion, I believe once again that I was born to make other people happy, and that I was cursed never to be truly happy.
Sorry, I can't take any more problems.
Sorry, it's just the end of a bad day, maybe I'll be better tomorrow.

A Symbol
Humans have a tendency to try to see more meaning to things than they sometimes have. Of course, up to some point I can't escape from that. Many things represent more than the object itself, be it a country flag, a very old painting, a perfume or even a present.
People usually have a lot of objects, but do they know why they have that object? You see, most things anyone possess have a purpose, and usually they are useful. These take cellphones, computers, books or anything one may do something with. You may gain these things as presents, or buy them as the most common option. But these objects mean nothing more than they are. Well of course you can have something for so long that you grow fond of it, and then it may become a symbol to you, like that mug that symbolizes the chocolate milk you drink every morning, or the headphones you put on every time you want to take your mind off the world.
Symbols are something important, from the simplest person to the most complex villain. It may be a symbol of faith like a cross, a symbol of peace like a feather, a symbol of love like a medallion, a symbol of pain like an old girlfriends perfume and any type of symbol for any feeling there exists.
Now, symbols don't just appear from nowhere, objects become symbols the moment it gets tied to a feeling. Some symbols grow feelings over time, but most frequently objects become symbol when they are bought or given as a present. You see, you get that lovely crystal statue from someone you love, it becomes a symbol, it reminds you of that special someone even being completely useless. This goes on even when you buy things, like that ring you bought because it made you remember someone important.
As you enter a place you can see many symbols, most may be just decoration, but a symbol nonetheless. But you may come to see this in time, very few people have a "negative" symbol in their possession. This is because humans hate pain and every memory attached to it, and get rid of anything that reminds them of a bad experience. You had an awful experience when you broke up after years of relationship, if the experience was really bad, most people throw away anything from that relationship, of course to some people don't throw away somethings for monetary reasons. But some people will keep these symbols as a reminder of a lesson, or respect, or even someone they had dear once. Even if it makes them cry when they look at it, it is a memory and to some people that may be an important memory.
But something puzzles me. What happens when you face an item that you have no idea what it is doing there? I mean, you have this object, it has no use, I mean besides paper weight, and for some reason you can't recall from the day you acquired it, you have no feeling attached to it. So basically you have an object that you can't use and that it is JUST an object, not memory on it, no symbolic existence. What do you do? It feels weird to see this, you fiddle with the object hoping to jaunt a memory, maybe a reason, maybe a purpose. But your heart refuses to give it a meaning, and your mind seems unwillingly to share a memory of it. You know deep inside of you, you want to make it a symbol, but finding no reason you can't.
I have held many symbols, most of them were personal to me, many and probably most I bought. Some I held for ages until I found someone to give it to, some I gave away for my own safe, some I sadly lost and some face every day and every minute with me. Symbols are things that can give you support, may have words of wisdom for troubled times, or may give you the energy and inspiration you need to go on. I believe each person has its own symbol, and treasure them, sometimes with life. Things need not to be useful to be important, they just have to mean something.
This is why I find it strange to see a meaningless object, with no purpose in existence. Maybe it is just waiting for the right moment.
Take care of your symbols, they may mean more to you than you realize, and may mean something to other people.

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 21 ~
"... and with gentle shrug he started searching the book shelf on his front.
- There has to be something here. This is the biggest library I've ever seen. If there is nothing here I have no idea where to search.
-Well, all I can see here is how to create magical equipment but none stronger than any equipment we can buy on a store, at this rate we'll look over the whole library and find nothing. This is just a waste of time. - she said with an annoyed tone in her voice.
- I hope there others are having more luck than us.
After some book were tossed aside, they were getting tired of all the unfruitful search. Many hours had passed on this room, and they only managed to learn how to deep fry a dragon, which is almost useless because to deep fry a dragon you have to kill one, and there is a problem as big as finding a book with useful information on a town with no books. After some time a yell crossed the library shelves barely reaching a listener.
- I'm hungry. - she yelled from the left wing of the library - Lets get something to eat!
- What? - he replied from the right wing with little attention to the unintelligible sound.
- Lets g...
- Hey, - he said interrupting - come here!
"Guess he ain't hearing me, better if I go there" - she thought as she walked over there.
On the way she took her whip firmly in her hands and looked at it. She had that whip for a long time, but felt no attachment to it. But she had no hope in getting a really powerful one, "who would create a legendary whip anyway", was the thought trailing her head. She realized how big the library when she found him, only five minutes after she started searching.
- Lets eat, I'm hungry. - she said grappling her waist.
- Wait. - he looked at her with a smile on his face and extended his arms showing a book to her - I think I found something.
- Jiita's Whip. - she grabbed the book and began to read the entry -
During the first age of Dragons, many kingdoms on Osfei went to war. After some bloodshed, Felia, queen of Herago a small kingdom involved in the war, called upon the help of Jiita, the greatest forger and merchant of her kingdom, and asked him to forge something to bind the souls of all the kings at war.
- Jiita thought for sometime - she continued - on how he could do such a thing. he recalled some of his research and had an idea. He called upon a very huge favor to get a big supply of aleimn, the soul crystal. With the crystals, and some other special ingredients, he forger a long chain, that could bend space, and with some elaborate plans from Felia he managed to bind the souls of all kings, including Felia. The chain held a connection between them and if any of them got killed so would all of them. The connection would only be broken with natural death, and since none of the kings could manage to break the chain, they stopped war before one of them died. Time passed and after all the other kings died of age only Felia was left alive, and so the chain belonged to her. She searched for Jiita to give him back the chain, but when she found him he said he was too old to have any use for the chain, but he asked her to do him a favor. He had to pay back a huge old dept, he had to give an old friend a very powerful very exotic weapon. Felia knew what to do, she called upon the greatest forgers on the land and asked them to create a whip out of the chain. So they did, and created one most wonderful whip, named after Jiita the great forger. The whip never had all its powers tested but was know to have extreme defensive power, and great link with one's soul. After it creation, Felia took it to Pageron, and paid back Jiita's dept. And after that the whip was never seen or commented again.
- Wait - she said in amazement - Pageron is..."
~ End of Part 21 ~

 One Day
One day a year.
The day where people tend to be nicer to you.
The day that will go in my memory with many deceptions, but what I'll take this day with me are the marks of a great day.
The launch of the next generations console.
The victory of the national soccer championship by my team.
The great lunch I had.
And most importantly, 25 years of songs from the game industry played by an Symphonic Orchestra with great expertise. The Video Games Live concert was magnific, and I hope they come again next year.
Well, another day has gone, with it one more year, but... what has come during this time?
All blessings to every person who is good.

One Year More
Well, today one of my oldest friends is getting older, yes one year more, and another birthday. Since she is going to a wedding I won't be able to see her, and due to lack of time we probably won't be able to see each other until mid december. Well, it is a little sad, but I guess we have no other choice.
But, well, even knowing she will never see this site I have no better option than do this here.
Happy birthday Joyce, I hope everything keeps working for you like it has up until now. I wish that you challenges are less stressing and make you grow even stronger. I admire the way you keep up the energy to go around, always smiling and always helping other people, specially making them feel better all the time. You're a very special person, too bad we can't be together more often, but at least it seems your life is taking through a very happy road, I hope you keep on it. But if you ever need any help or support you know you can call me.
Forever your friend, always praying for your happiness,
Thomas.

Well like only fate could have it, tomorrow is MY birthday, some people may recall this from the event last year on the same day. Well tomorrow many things were supposed to happen, many good things, reason for me to believe I was going to die... but thats just a little joke of mine. This year's november 19th is the day the new generation console of Nintendo is released, the Nintendo Wii, I'm expecting to get mine around december 10. Also on november 19th, there was going to be the Eletronic Game Show, event where they show and display the interesting news of the entertainment industry, unfortunately for some reason unknown to me it was canceled. And almost most important, on this day, here in São Paulo, there will be a presentation of the world tour of Video Games Live, where a Symphonic Orchestra plays some great songs from the video game industry, I've been wainting for this event for many months, I already have my ticket, and I'll be hoping to hear some of my favorite songs.
Well lots of good things for tomorrow, but this somehow got me scared, as today many things went differently from what I expected. But I guess changes in plans do not scare me, but something struck me this weekend, I've been living without support, company, compassion, understanding, or put it simply, without any friendship I am trully proud. Except for one person, I have drifted so distant from everyone that was dear to me. Yeah, days near my birthday usually get me in this mood. I don't know, so many things to make me happy in the future, but I don't see anyone near me to share this happiness, is this right? I feel kind of empty, maybe I'm just tired.
Well I guess I'll go take a long bath in the tub and try to relax.
Happy birthday Joyce, and the same to everyone having a birthday today ^^'

The Morning After
Dawn, the sun still behind the moutains, the sky still fighting between dark and light. The path along the road was still dark, but there was enough light to see the path clearly.
"Now this is a waste of a good shade!" - he thought.
He squezed his eyes to protect from the sun light, the sun made his usually black eyes shine with the golden reflection. He was now preparing to get on his way.
He yawned there, and started to stretch. Right arm down and a little to the back, left arm bent aup in the air. The sun now lowering over the road reflected on the left wing standing up in the air, the right wing was lower, so no light hit it.
He looked back at the road ahead, he saw in the distance a wolf attacking a sheep, it reminded him of te day before. He stepped forward, but anger took over, he hit a nearby tree with the side of his hand.
Some leaves fell around him, bouncing over his head, arm and wings.
"This is so unfair." - he thought - "I tried the best I could, but no good comes out of it, everything in my life still goes wrong. The near future has so many promisses, but somethings in the past still keep my mood down."
He started to walk again, but this time he used his wings to shield his face from the rising sun.
Wind blew strong, and his hair waved with it. Soon he'll arrive at the next city. It's going to be a long walk in the sun now, but the journey will seem much longer with hope and disapointment clashing inside him.
"This is so unfair." - he thought again.
And with his thoughts pouring he walked the curved road, leading to his next destiny, hoping for good things, and carrying a sad look.

Amigos ~ Vinicius de Moraes ~

Tenho amigos que não sabem o quanto são meus amigos. Não percebem o amor que lhes devoto e a absoluta necessidade que tenho deles.
A amizade é um sentimento mais nobre do que o amor, eis que permite que o objeto dela se divida em outros afetos, enquanto o amor tem intrínseco o ciúme, que não admite a rivalidade.
E eu poderia suportar, embora não sem dor, que tivessem morrido todos os meus amores, mas enlouqueceria se morressem todos os meus amigos! Até mesmo aqueles que não percebem o quanto são meus amigos e o quanto minha vida depende de suas existências...
A alguns deles não procuro, basta-me saber que eles existem. Esta mera condição me encoraja a seguir em frente pela vida.
Mas, porque não os procuro com assiduidade, não posso lhes dizer o quanto gosto deles. Eles não iriam acreditar. Muitos deles estão lendo esta crônica e não sabem que estão incluídos na sagrada relação de meus amigos.
Mas é delicioso que eu saiba e sinta que os adoro, embora não declare e não os procure. E às vezes, quando os procuro, noto que eles não tem noção de como me são necessários, de como são indispensáveis ao meu equilíbrio vital, porque eles fazem parte do mundo que eu, tremulamente, construí e se tornaram alicerces do meu encanto pela vida.
Se um deles morrer, eu ficarei torto para um lado. Se todos eles morrerem, eu desabo!
Por isso é que, sem que eles saibam, eu rezo pela vida deles. E me envergonho, porque essa minha prece é, em síntese, dirigida ao meu bem estar. Ela é, talvez, fruto do meu egoísmo.
Por vezes, mergulho em pensamentos sobre alguns deles. Quando viajo e fico diante de lugares maravilhosos, cai-me alguma lágrima por não estarem junto de mim, compartilhando daquele prazer...
Se alguma coisa me consome e me envelhece é que a roda furiosa da vida não me permite ter sempre ao meu lado, morando comigo, andando comigo, falando comigo, vivendo comigo, todos os meus amigos, e, principalmente os que só desconfiam ou talvez nunca vão saber que são meus amigos!
A gente não faz amigos, reconhece-os.

Esse texto, de um grande escritor, representa tudo, ou pelo menos muito daquilo que se pode ser representado. Cada linha contém mais sobre o tópico do que realmente está escrito, mas cabe a experiência dee cada um, saber oque mais pode ser lido.
Resolvi postar esse texto aqui depois que uma amiga postou ele no fotolog dela.

Odeio amizade, que sentimento mais infeliz. Em toda sua grandeza, está fadada a ser sempre substituída por coisas "mais importantes". Os seres humanos só são capazes de dar valor para amizade uma vez que a tenham perdido.
Mas eu viveria mil vezes sem amor doque sem amizade.

Here is the traslation of that text, because I believe it is worth to be read.

Friendship ~ Vinícius de Moraes ~
I have friends who don't know how much my friends they are. They don't realize the love I give to them and the absolut need I have in them.
Friendship is a more noble sentiment than love, for it allows me to spread it over other affections, while love has a natural jealousy within it that does not admit rivalry.
I could support, although with pain, that all my loves had died, but I would go mad if all my friends died! Even the ones who don't realize how much they are my friends and how much my life depends on their existences...
Some of them I don't go after, it is enough to know they exist. This simple condition encourages me to move forward with my life.
But, because I don't go after them assiduously, I can't tell them how much I like them. They wouldn't believe. Many of them are reading this chronicle and have no idea they are included in the sacred list of my friends.
But it is lovely that I know and feel that I adore them, even though I don't say it or go after them. And sometimes, when I search for them, I notice they have no idea how they are necessary to me, how they are essential to my vital balance, because they are a part of the world I, trembling, built and they've become the foundation of life's charm.
If one of them dies, I'll be tilted to one side. If they all die I'll break down!
That is why, even without them knowing, I pray for their lives. And I feel ashamed, because this prayer is, to synthesize, directed towards my own well being. It is, maybe, product of my selfishness.
Sometimes, I dive in thoughts about some of them. When I travel and stand before wonderful places, I shed a tear because they are not with me, sharing that pleasure...
If there is something that consumes me and makes me grow old is the furious wheel of life that does not allow me to have always by my side, living with me, walking with me, talking with me, spending time with me, all my friends, and, specially those who are only suspicious or maybe will never know they are my friends!
We don't make friends, we just recognize them.

Breaking and Welding Chains
The silent night is the background, where a slow walk is the only sound to be heard, but the walk remains hidden in the dark. Each step is followed by the sound of a chain, the chain grinding to itself as if something is pulling it apart. Little sparks jump from the chain trying to break out a light to the ambient, but the darkness is too heavy. Only fleeting shadows roam from the sparks.
As I walk, I am welding a new chain. This time, to someone who I hope can give me the happiness I need. To someone which has given me many good moments. But somehow, there is something holding me down, a weight over me, I think it is an old chain, but it is dark, and I can't see well enough. It seems to me, the this weight is the reflection of an very important chain which I tried to break, and stopped midway as an request from a very important person...
What I see from it, from the very little that is given to me, it seems that this chain was somehow connected to a web like structure of chains. It seems that the vibrations I created in my end of the chain created a rupture in that structure, and I feel that an old group, which stood together, and wasted many hours playfully, is now breaking up, and stopping to hang out, or doing so less frequently. I know it may seem I am conceited thinking this, but sometimes I feel that I was one of the few trying to hold that structure intact. Maybe this is this weight I've been feeling some days, it seems it was what struck today.
Some chains add weight, some pull from different sides, I see nothing at the end, it is too dark, I can't see which chains are breaking, some chains are holding me together, and some are pressing agains my wounds as I try to go forward. This walk is a very hard one, but at least the silent night has been a "sight", no worries, no noise, just me, my chains, and a very long, VERY dark, path.

Beginning of Ages
Every time to time, new ages rise, marked by some specific group of things. Of course, depending on what area you are on, these marks, may differ a lot. For me, things that mark ages are the generations of video games, this is because in the rest of my life, there has never been anything so defining of a period of time, just some major events that came, and went fast, leaving marks, but none that would be considered tipical of an "age". So I tag things from those vivid memories, the ones that will always pop up when I hear that song, or see that picture.
I remember even now that time, one of the first revolutions, one that wrought a music upon my soul, my friend broght a Playstation to my house, with one game... only one, and we let the entrance music play in loop. There were other moments, like playing Mario 64 for the first time. Or waiting anxiously to get back to Brasil to play Lufia 2, or expecting the arrival of my Super Smash Bros Melee.
Now, times are changing. A new age is about to arrive. A new video game era is being born. But not only that, things in my life are changing. Friendships are still unstable and trying to fall in place, but college is flowing naturaly, and for the first time... I think I have someone to walk by my side, maybe not always, but she has been giving me some very special moments... at least one piece of the puzzle fell in place. I hope the other pieces will fall in place soon enough, at least it would make me very happy.
New era, new games, new people, and new sources of hope and happiness. I still have many troubles in my mind, but I am very glad I found these new things to keep my heart happy, so I'll live to see my birthday, the day which MANY things will begin, the day I hope marks this new age.

One Year
One month, less than a month to my birthday. It will be a year since I ran away, and took that 24 hours off of the world, away, unreachable, alone. I think back, one year may sometimes seem like a lot of time, specially when you think all that has happenned, but in the end, it seems that I ran away just yesterday. Like I probably said last year, this year I have been through a lot. I see my current situation, and find myself much stronger than before, and as I choose a new path, I found the pain to subside a bit, giving me a better ratio of strength over pain. Some of the confusion in my life has led to some bad days recently, but not even near as bad as I were before, and I have been having some fun lately, with a special lady. I lost many things, including some people who were very special, some things I may never get back, but some friendships I'll try to safe, as long as they want to be saved. I am having some satisfaction in the study, after some troubles. My project for the conclusion of the course is starting at last. I may be beginning a new RPG with my RPG system, finally. I still have a lot in my mind, my sleep is very unstable, but at least I have that inner peace of knowing what I am doing.
This year has brought me many experiences, many bad, from which I have learned and became stronger, and some good, from which I hope to regain hope and peace. This last month hold many surprises, some may be good, and I hope that none will be bad, but I will be there, walking down this road, towards some things I have been waiting for so long.
November nineteenth, the day of the year, for some reason many good things will happen on this, and I am afraid I don't know what to think of this. 19/11/06 - American official launch of Nintendo Wii, mine is reserved, should be here in the beginning of december. Also there will be a presentation of Video Games live here, in São Paulo, and I'll be there, it will be the best presentation I have ever seen. I just hope people will be nice to me this day, at least considerate enough not to make me sad.
For the first time in many years I actually look forward for my birthday. I hope I don't get disappointed.

A Movie Moment
It was today, at lunch time. I went out to the bank to draw some money and since I was there I lunched at a nearby place which sells "pastel" (I still think there is no word in english for this, one day I'll try to describe it). After my calm and peaceful lunch I was heading back to college when I saw the most amusing sight. You know how in some movies they show employees at storage rooms playing cards?! I know that those people you usually ignore, like the cleaning people, or construction builders, basicly people who do the maintenance in everything around you, they are humans just like us, and therefore have to have their moments of rest and fun, but I often fail to imagine what they do. I've seen them sleeping among students, gossiping and in movies playing cards. And there they were, with the door of some sort of storage room, right next to ECA's restaurant, four uniformed working people, playing cards. Very fun, but I didn't stay long enough to discover what game were they playing, but I must say, I never thought I would actually see that ^^.

A Touch of Steel
I know... as a man it may seem strange that I say that I like to accessorize. But I find it somehow to be a part of me, maybe my medieval side, it just makes a natural sense inside of me to wear armor, weapon, rings, bracelets, necklaces and many other things. Most of my life I had something to wear besides my regular clothes, when I was little I had wristwatches, when I was more of a teen I wore a ring, and nowadays I go on wearing a necklace. I know how strange it may sound, but I kind of like the feel of steel against my body, it just seems natural to me.
Of course I don't wear just anything for the fun of it, like any warrior I choose my accessories carefully. Most of the time I either wear something because of the memory it carries or the beauty of it. My firts important accessory was a ring I bought it thinking of one of my best friends, she was very sweet, and the simple thought of her made me happy, I wore it for about four years almost non stop, I didn't like to take it off, but sometimes I had to like during handball games (and even so I sometimes managed to play wearing it). Eventually the memory of that girl was too heavy to be remembered every day. Now the ring is with her. Without any accessory I felt after some time that I had to get a new one, so I searched a bit. Eventually I came across a lightning shapped hematite necklace, it was a new treasure from which I drew energy to defend myself, to have more will and more concentration. I found some new rings, all just good looking, with no memory, but some were weak and broke with time, or were too loose and didn't fit well into my finger, so I mostly had the necklace. Some years ago I lost it at my sisters birthday party, the chain which held it broke and it feel somewhere in the grass I think. So once again I had no accessory, the ones I had I couldn't wear that much, and the few that I wanted I couldn't have, either because I didn't have the money to buy or because they didn't have a size that would fit me. You know, I feel more naked when I am without any accessory. Recently I felt the need to get some protection to myself, so I started to wear an old necklace, and eventually got the money to buy one necklace that I wanted for some time. And for some time I had a chain, simple steel covered by silver chain around my wrist, and the medalion on the necklace, but the lock of the chain broke (too much use of internal energy) and I am waiting to get another.
I believe that every material in the world holds some energy, and when I need I try to draw from that energy, but few materials seem to have enough energy for me to absorb. But whenever I need I turn to them, like these days, I have been using the energy in the steel/silver from the medalion, and in my worst days I use the Obsidian stone (one of the scorpio's sign stone) that my mother gave me along time ago, this stone is one of the three things I treasure most.
People often forget the energy of the things that surround them. I try to make the best out of it, and I think that I own many moments of peace, concentration and nights of sleep to their energy, may be just in my head, but to me it works.
I like to accessorize, in my own way, for my own reasons. I like the feel of steel. What do you like? Stones or metals? Which kind? Or do you prefer to be without accessories.

A Flashback
I hate this, once again I let my inner child take the chance... try once again to have some group fun. Why do I even bother? It is almost like I didn't knew what was going to happen.
I now stand, evading, there is something in front of me, something I don't want to look at, something I know what it is almost too well, something I ran away once after fighting to the ground. Now I have to find a way around it, or take a great turn a leave it behind once more. Before me is my past, it was more powerful than me before, and it will be again. After it is my future, or at least one future, to face my past in order to go to this future would take some major wounds, that could lead to a bad future.
You know, I feel sad, this is one of those things that shouldn't happen twice. But even when I try to avoid it, it comes after me, to break my spirit. Now in a relationship that is more complicated than I would imagine, with an old problem and fighting back the hope inside my heart, I can feel my sanity splitting. That feeling of let out, the feeling of confusion, love, friendships blinking, despair towards the college and at the same time the will to build some friendships, to persue a love I can't, to finish my RPG system and many ideas for my book sprouting everywhere. This from a mere glimpse at my past...
Once again I find my mind to be a whirlpool of thoughts, my body to be a vortex of clashing energies and my soul to be a boiling mixture of feelings.
I wish you would rise and take me away, make me laugh, put me on or lad and gently caress my hair saying that it will all be ok. I wish I could find a friendship solid enough for me to lean on. I wish to would stop, or at least my life... but nothing stops in this world.
I work softly behind every ones eye, I search for things that may bring happiness, and I succeed frequently. But I am yet to see something that will bring happiness to me.
May my name echoe in time, and lay beside yours.

A Good Demon
People fear what they find different. They outcast people who are not like them, surelly you know someone who has been outcast, maybe you yourself have outcast someone. I have been outcast since the day I was born. Demons are not accepted well into society. But my noble birth has tought me to be a good person, good in the way of helping other people, not causing trouble to them and trying to make them happy. But once again... how many people do that? So I once again am outcast for being nice?!
Humans are the reason I don't open myself anymore. Whenever I found a friend, a good person, which I actually felt happy near, something happens to come between. I tried to separate from my current daily group of friends, as they stopped treating me well(did they ever?), at first they didn't seem to mind, but a simple manifestation was enough to make me want them back, hang out more, rebuild the old friendships, but I still don't know what to make of it, will they ever want to be my friends? On the other side, the person who recently entered my life, who gently blew a gentle relieving wind, cause some confusion, trying to help me but without knowing what would actually help me. What bothered me more was not that she tried to help without asking me waht I wanted, I appreciate that a lot, but it bothers me that we have stopped talking, she started to avoid me sometimes.
So things have been a lot confusing. I have been trying to make this girl happy, but she seems to want to scare me away every time. I know deep down she is not what I want, and I won't be able to make her happy for too long, but I know this decision will bring bad consequences in the future, but I don't know how soon will this future be.
This is why being a good demon is so hard, people will rarely come near you, even after you make them happy and do things for them no one else will. Frustrating I tell you. But I keep my hopes up, I believe there is some justice in the world, and someday things will be good for me.
I just wanted my friends, like they were once my friends...
Someone out there wants a demon, a good demon as a friend?

Deep Down in Chaos
This may be one of the 10 words I like/use most. Chaos. It's not that I like it, it's not good (usually) when things happen in a chaotic way, but since human society is so complex that it can't avoid being chaotic, I find an interesting thing to analyze this chaos and try to make sense of it.
Now I think I tripped and fell inside the chaos. Among all tests, works to do, programs to make, people to play with, go out with, talk with, games to play and movies to see I find myself lost, I don't know what to do. Feelings have been clashing inside of me, depending on the day, on the latest events, I feel one thing, that may be completely different from the day before. I have been very worried about tests, and after some of them passed, the worst ones, I felt more calm as I think I did better than I was expecting. But I am still worried, there are many things to do and very little time.
Now my feeling are being stirred up by some people near me. I've tried to protect myself by being alone, but in the end I can't distance myself too much from people. One person said to me that she felt I was distancing myself, that she still wanted to be my friend, this rippled inside of me stronger than I wanted, it feeds hope, but as I see nothing different I feel the pain of before just waiting to happen again, I wonder if there is a way I can't imagine in which this will turn out to be good for me!?! Other girl entered my life, this relationship is kind of complicated, I still hold back my feelings, in part because I am in NO condition of getting hurt again, but mostly because I fear I'll hurt her, and she does not deserve it, she is very nice ^^. Random people keep complaining that I've been disappeared, but they lack to notice that the only change was that I've stopped going after everyone, and since no one comes after me, it seems as if I went away. One great friend of mine has been in his world, I feel the distance.
Chaos has been reigning in my life, every relationship has been tormented by this. Now I hold back in fear. I want somethings to fall in place, some frindships, but I still fear to get hurt. The problem is, my self defence mechanism is too strong, and may hurt others. The only way around this would be getting me in a very calm day, by surprise, without shaking everything, and gently try to reach me without touching any scars. Yeah I know... too much trouble right?!
I used o let down my guard around some special people, today, there is only one and a half person to which I would lower my guard if entrance was requested.
But I say to myself, the words of a nice song I heard, epic, my style:
I will rise up from the chaos
I will rise up from the grave
A brother to the darkness
A master to the slave.

Someday I'll be fully back, fighting with all my courage, power and wisdom. Until then I ask that Nyx waches over me.

Love, true Love.
It takes a lot to be true love, basicly it takes a lot for anything to be "true". Love may take great ordeals, may result in the worst decisions in your life, it may be the cause of your soul ripping apart but you'll probably not realise it until it is too late.
I would be too much pretentious if I would try to explain what is true love. I have my opinion but it surely is different from others, but since it is what can break any shield, and touch the deepest and most emotional parts of my heart and leave me helpless in tears, I take it is what my heart believes.
I find that most of the time true love comes along with true friendship. Of course, since I haven't seen any of those in real life, any references I have come from fictional histories. These histories have been serving as an inspiration for me for some time now.
I complain a lot to myself about what I have been through, and I still find it all unfair, but I feel that I should respect the memories of those who showed true love in the histories. So whenever I remember those moments, or when I get sad, I think that some people(even if fictional) trully loved someone and were loved back, but eventually never had the chance to enjoy this. For that I must not stop in trivial things, I am still alive, and may find true love in the future, so I must not give up,or I'll be betraying their memories.

For Rosette, for Sakura, for Tia, for Saber, for Selan.

For each tear dropped, a memory inside.
For each tear lost, a dream forgotten.
For each tear absorbed, a little hope regained.
And with that hope, I shall not give up!

"If you don't cry when you want to, you are not going to smile" - Negi Springfield.

In addition, researchers also are discovering that people who cry frequently enjoy better health overall.

May everyone find true love and true friendship, that way the world would be a better place. At least... mine would be ^^.

A Hand Offering

You who hide in silence
protected by a huge maze
avoiding meeting my gaze
leaving words in cadence

I hope you can hear my words
they are no more than simple
should they not go into records
at least cause you smile to ripple

I think I get why you want to be alone
I am from the elemental of darkness
alone is where I plant my happiness
but back there, a door made of stone

a path where nice people can come
nice like you, who can bring hope
but something for you to overcome
let people climb in, offer a rope

I search a way inside you life
I guess I can't help myself
Trying not to cause a strife
I wall using all me stealth

maybe someday I'll find the door
I will knock gently, a sign of calm
I'll wait to hear the voice I adore
and if you open, I'll offer my palm

Either come with me, or let me in
I'll jump and sing to make you smile
I'll use my grace, and all my style
to make you laugh until you spin

Forgive me for the intrusion
I meant no harm, or confusion
I do this only to make you better
that is why I give you this letter

It may not seem, but hear the truth
I may not be brimming with youth
But it makes me glad trying to assist
To make you happy is why I insist

I ask for nothing but a chance
To empower your inner light
To let your soul out to dance
Make you sing with all you might

I may be just another friend
Maybe not what you asked for
but here I am, up to the end
Waiting to meet you at the door

So not to be inconvenient
I'll try to keep my distance
Still offering my assistance
Hoping you don't feel so absent.

I may not have all the words, all the aswers or even listen to you the way that I should,
but my heart wants to tell you to be happy, or I'll be there trying to make you smile.
I can offer you little but my company, but sometimes that is all it takes ^^.
This is for you Ju, may not be much, but it's my way of trying ^^.

Into the Golden Sunset
All the way up the hill, a lonely figure stares at the horizon. From up there he can see many familiar places, thought they all seem distante now. Covering his black outfit, the cape over his shoulders almost reached the ground, leaving just a bit of his black boot to show. The front revealed his black thin armor from the small part the cape didn't cover. The dark sunglasses alowed him to look the beautiful sun set, without much disconfort. Hanging from his ears were the earphones, white ones, concealed by the hood of his cape, playing this sweet melody. As his sight was forward into the sunset, and his hearing taken away by music, he couldn't avoit feeling a bit umprotected, so from time to time, he would cover the sun using his sword, and take a peek into the reflection on the blade, to see if no one was behind him.
The quick glance revealed someone approaching him, but the image was too blurry to show who it was, so he sheathed his sword, and hung the earphones by the knot holding his cape, so he could hear the misterious person draw near. The steps were soft, but nothing peculiar about them, nothing but the sound getting closer, but at least it was clear that whoever it was, he or she did not intend to sneak up on him, so he waited. When the steps stopped, he knew the person was near, but did not move, he was waiting to see what would happen.
A strong hand calmly held his left shoulder, even if he was prepared for it, he could not avoid flinching a bit when he felt the hand on his shoulder. The figure stepped into sight, but said nothing, he glanced to see who it was trying not to move his head, it was an old friend, so he relaxed and returned his sight to the beautiful view.
After some minutes of silence he began to wonder. "What, no questions asked? No trying to change my attention? How odd."
- You found a very nice place to see this beautiful sunset, you could have told me there was such a nice place here. - he smiled softly.
- Guess I forgot, sorry. - he smiled back.
- I remember you telling me how nice it was to see the sunset, to watch nature's beauty. Guess you were right as always.
More minutes passed, the light was getting dimmer, the sun was almost hidden behind the mountain. The wind played with the two friends' hair, but did not bother, only refreshed...
- Do you want to duel a bit? Just for fun?
His thoughts wandered back, "Sometimes, silence is better, at least better than the wrong words. Friends don't need words." he smiled. "This will be fun."
- Sure why not.
He undid the knot dropping his cape on the ground, he put the sheath of the sword and the music player over the cape and gladly prepared his sword to duel with his friend, a nice ending for the day.

Dive into the Heart
That is the name of song ^^. It is a simple chorus, but the music grows, and the context where it plays make you look into you heart and question youself, and when the music gets to into you can't avoid facing the darkness inside your heart, are you up to it?
Once again using the definition where darkness refers to something bad or evil, and light to a good thing, I shall tell you what I saw. Past a see of thoughts and feelings, guided by the pumping sound, I found it (not that it was hard, I know well where it is) lying on that empty space, majestic and strong. I couldn't help to be shocked at what I saw, I think it was fair given all that I have been through, but even so I can be shocking when you actually face the darkness in your own heart.
I never imagined it could reach this state, and yet, it may seem that the darkness is little for some people, and it is, but for me this level was unexpected. Many scars ran from one side to the other, some deep, but most shallow, each one covered in darkness, and I knew that behind the darkness was a unprotected wound that wanted to bleed. Interesting to notice that the darkness, the evil part of your heart is actually a powerful healing force, strong enough to protect your wounds, and give them time to heal. The social consequences of this are bad since whenever someone wanders too near your wounds the darkness tends to attack and hurt anyone so close, with so much evil flowing in your heart you have more tendency to be evil(obviusly), witch is something I rather not.
The heart still had its glow, wherever there wan't darkness a blueish light glowed, vividly, showing that my heart was doing its job, and was basicly ok. After some time I could see, deep inside it, that little golden glow, a tiny sphere in the depths of my heart, the things that will never change inside me, what defines me, what should be remembered when my name is called out. But then I saw, a sad tear rolled down me cheek, this should never have happenned. A wound so deep, it actually touched the golden sphere, I knew I was different, something wasn't right, I lost something important, the drive, it was it. The golden light was resisting bravely, fighting back the dark wound, I thinks someday it may win, but for now I'll be walking less of myself than I've ever been.
I guess it is for the best the way darkness has grown, I'd rather not have, but in these conditions it is better, it helps me not getting more wounds, but it may hurt people I don't want to, and as a sign of the darkness, I can't avoid thinking that some people, not generally speaking but some specific people, deserve to suffer, somewhat I can't help the desire to see them in pain, but not gratuitous pain which is useless, but a realisation pain, that in which you feel the pain you have caused, and strive to be a better person, and cause less pain to others.
You see how letting the darkness grow can be a bad thing?! But this is the darkside, I am too much of a goodside to hurt, seriously hurt, anyone. Besides the light is still strong in my heart, but serves to warn now, if I ever hurt you, remember it may not be because I want, it probably is just my defensive system.
I feel the pain
I feel the sorrow
many many tears
dried for tomorrow
Inside the darkness
a pure strong glow
of a innocent heart
letting hatred flow
I can let it go away
I need the shield
protect me the next day
the evil guides me
if you don't want to help
then please let me be.

A good game.
I have finished playing Kingdom Hearts, for playstation 2, I am a huge fan of the games developed by Squaresoft, and I have to say this was a great production., The idea of mixing characters of Disney with those of Final Fantasy may sound strange, but only the great Squaresoft con pull out a stunt like that and turn it into something magnificent. Great soundtrack, great gameplay, great graphics, anda a perfect history, just the way you can say again those old morals of being nice without sounding repetitive. Its was nice to see friends fighting to save friends from the darkness in their hearts, friendships being made out of pure companionship and the power inside everyones heart.
"Remember, no matter how dark things may seem, you heart always holds a shed of light"
I may sound suspicious to say these things, so if you doubt me, play and see for yourselves. If you believe me, play and have lots of hours of fun ^^. I have been seeing and playing many things these days that have been reminding me of what means to be nice. Always nice, but... well, maybe I'll say on the next time.

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 20 ~
"...between all the rush, all those mixed feeling, his heart was starting to lose its rithim, and that sound took over all the chaos and destruction going on. Tum tum..............................tum tum...........................tum tum. Drown in fear, sweating in concern, confused with anger, it had been years since so many feelings flowing uncontrolled. His heart was starting to beat faster. Tum tum...........tum tum.......tum tum....tum tum..tum tum tum tum. As he pumped almost all his energy into the dagger he started to reavaliate the situation, he has been too much confused in the last minutes, his heart beat was almost too strong for him to think, he was losing hope, his friends were hurt, he was hurt, the enemy was too powerful. He thought that at least this way they had a chance to escape, he felt happy for having this dagger with him.
The dagger emitted a gentle glow that quickly spread across the whole room into the resto of the world. Behind the glow followed a trail of darkness reducing the brightness everywhere, it was faint but noticeable, and its presence show a very clear effect. As it passed everything slowed, a spark flying in the air started to fall very slowly, a sword swung to a halt in mid air, a whip reduced it speed to meet a stop near a spear wating patiently for its arrival. On the other side of the room Cid was midair with his lance while near him a spell colored the place while wating for time to resume so it could reach its destiny.
As Maelstron looked around he began to breath normally again as his heart began to beat normally, tum tum............................ tum tum. He was in the middle of devising a plan to get out of this mess when terror struck his soul. A beautiful figure with the very dark blue armor walked graceously towards him, wielding her axe she looked at him and grinned. Why isn't she stopped, she couldn't have ignored the power of the dagger, could she be this strong he thought. The panic was clear in his face, so she decided to talk first.
- Very nice, I never would have expected this from you humans. Such power, I feel happy, I thought this fight was going to be boring.
- How come you are moving, you should have been stopped with everthing!
- I think you underestimate my powers boy. I am a master of time and therefore I am immune to its effects! - she laughed looking to the dagger in his hands - So that is why you were able to hit me, you have a very nice artifact there with you, I guess you own you life to it, and the life of your friends.
Cold drops of sweat rolled down his face, he swallowed dry. His heart was beating faster than ever, he barely could hear the woman talking. This is insane, he thought, we whould never have come here, we can't face them like this. I wish I had time to think, was the last desperate words in his mind before she resumed her speech.
- I recognize you are very strong, but you are only human. You come here barging in like you own this place, you try to kill us, you act like you have judged us to a death sentence but you have no idea of our power or what we have done! - she said with a clearly angered tone - You endangered the lives of you friends to lead them into a battle that will do you no good, even IF you hada a chance to win it would make no difference in the world, and you still fight like we are the ones to blame for your pathetic world. You will pay for your insolence.
She waved her hand back, and a dark blue burst of light flickered around her companions as they regained movement. After a second of confusion they noticed what had happened and walked slowly to join her. At that moment Maelstron knew this could be the end, they were not winning this battle in six he would definitely lose alone against five.
As they gathered in front of him, he knew they would not be merciful, he didn't have enough power to take that battle for more five minutes, so he concentrated some of his power left and charged towards her hoping he could find a way to escape with his friends before their life reached its end. The only sound left was his heart pounding fiercely trying to isolate his thoughts from the world, as the image of his enemies drew near with each step. With..."
~ End of Part 20 ~

New Steps
After all that has happened, I observe everyone around me. Few things have changed, if any at all, people have changed more than anything else, and even so it is not that different.
As I step away I see that it does not cause a single ripple in other people's lives. Some still care only about their own happiness and care not about others, some act differently from what they say, some still got it all, but few are there to talk to a wandering shadow.
I now am concentrated in the college, no more needless going out, no more caring about what others are doing, no more trying to hold the group together. This is my path, and I will go alone if no one comes with me, I will study to understand every class in my college, will rest peacefully at night and eventually I will see some nice people.
The first chapter of my book is almost done. I have been learning new things. I have been playing very nice video games (Kingdom Hearts for PS2 I recommend). It is hard having no reason why to wake up the next day... but conquering simple battles in my life has been quite satisfying, like doing all the homework and understanding it.
I don't know what the future holds, I imagine I will be alone in this road for a while, but as long as there is a gentle breeze up ahead and a shadow where to avoid conflicts I will walk towards the future, a future hopefully far away from this life, where I can leave all my wounds and deceptions to be buried in the sands of time.
Next challenge up ahead... my birthday, it has disaster written all over it.
Lots of work, little time. No love, little friendship, new challenges and hope that I will level up before the next battle.

A slowly walk out of Paradise
So, I am back. It's been a long time(yeah 6 months seems like forever in this condition). But slowly I have burning my own wounds, since they didn't heal on their own I had to do something to stop the blood loss. The way I found to fdo this was to give up on my natural instincts and forcedly distance myself from anyone who has hurt me. So now I am dedicating myself to studies, trying to go out less with most I know. I'll try to enjoy better my free time, more sleep, playing nice games and working on personal projects. I officially give up trying to talk with people, I won't worrie anymore, if they don't want to talk with me screw them. I'll be nicer to anyone who is nice to me, I am still the usually sweet guy I always was, I just won't waste it on people who don't want.
This weekend I went to the park with a friend of mine. We went rollerblading. It was really nice feeling the wind passing by, my friend holding my hand, people respecting our unprotected bags and a perfect weather for a day at the park. After some playing around we went to lunch and to rest a little, hot day, had to drink a lot to quench my thirst. We decide to walk around the lake in the clycling lane, and eventually sat near the lake to observe the ducks and gueese and similar birds swimmin in the lake. We talked a bit there, then went back to the front side of the lake, near the water fountain, they were turned off, but at least we got a great spot near this huge beautiful tree. It was nice day, she tried to prowl into my life and with noble intentions she tried to make me feeel better. We shared secrets, we heard each other's problems we fished solutions and opinions from our lives. Such a nice friend, I hope she liked the day as much as I did.
Guess some things in life are really just not meant to be, besides my best efforts I stand watching some friendships fade. The difference is that now I give up, I won't fight and hurt myself for something or someone not worth it, and lots of things I once thought worth taught me they are not worth. Someone has shown me that there are still nice people to fight for, so I'll focus on solving my problems and if I have the time, I'll try to improve some friendships.
Some things also end up affecting you by quantity, even hearing song a thousand times some sentences ended up hitting me much stronger now. And following their wise words I will go on forward. Here are some sentences from songs that affected me a lot in the last year.

"So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time"

"Only a warrior with a clear heart
could have the honour to be kissed by the sun
Yes, I'm that warrior I followed my way
led by the force of cosmic soul I can reach the sword"

"You can't be a hero
Hiding underneath your bed
Got to live the life
You create inside your head
So I opened the window
Caught the wind one night
Now I sail with the birds in their flight
If you're tired of everything
Come hitch a ride with me
You'll cry out in joy
When you realize you're free
It's a trip like no other
For your heart and mind
Leaving all but the future for behind"

"Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. "

"So everything's not perfect
Don't matter 'cause you'll rework it
Nothing's holding you
Never stopping, never stopping, never stopping now"

"I wanna be cool, I also wanna be like him.
But that's not something,
I can do so easily,
This is not simply my way, my own style,
Gotta get a hold of my life.
...
If i just follow you,
I will never see the light,
Now's the time to find my way through this life,
Trying so hard to be strong."

"Moving over endless mountains oh so high
Walking to the light
Your heart will
See the path and you will find your way
Just wait and see"

"Holy flame burn again for eternity burn my heart to win."

"blind and dark along my way
I must go on wise and brave before a last hail"

"What the hell am I waiting here for,
expecting you to come and give away your life
Just for a moment of my time,"

"It doesn't matter now what happens,
I will never give up the fight.
Long as the voice inside drives me to run and fight,
It doesn't matter who is wrong or who is right."

"Trust your feelings, got to live and learn.
I know with some luck that I'll make it through,
Got no other options, only one thing to do!"

"Live and learn!
Hanging on the edge of tomorrow,
Live and learn!
From the works of yesterday."

"There's no time for me to mope and cry.
I've got to get started now.
Adventures are so much the meaning to life!"

I think that many things require different insights. Sometimes you have to realize that you're fighting a lost battle, so just give up, wander off a bit, discover new places, new people, new adveturs. Just stop fighting before you lose your sanity. I'm glad I was able to give up before I was too wounded to recover, I know the price was a very high one, but thanks to the king intentions of a friend I regained part of my hope. So I'll wander a little, trying to once again see the world with the eyes of a children, purify my heart and regain the lost innocence. I invite anyone interested to accompany me on this journey, I'll try to keep a log here of most interesting events, and in a near future I'll resume the adventurer chronicles, with new and exciting passages of the story yet to be written.
The winds are changing, they blow not against, nor in favor, they only refresh and inspire. The silent messages that roam through the air indicate the world is wainting to see what happens, and I know I'll be there when it does.
The sends of time are gone now, and time destroyed everything, but from the sands left behind I will rise, build a new empire, even if I have to bury all traces of the past, I hope I can salvage the best treasures of the anciente lives.
As Ixidor, The reality sculptor said: "My past holds only pain and loss. I will conquer it by creating the perfect future."
I hope you will be a part of it.
And I must thank someone, once more... thanks, you've done more than you imagine, and asked nothing in return but my smile, that is true friendship.

The Ending
The sun was shining in the blue sky. Butterflies were jumping from flower to flower. Lying down in the middle of the flowers there were two men. One with red hair and blue clothes, he got up and sat on the ground looking over the plains. The other had a short black hair standing up with some golden strands, he wore all black and had a tattoo on his left arm. They took turns lying on the ground, sitting, walking as the wind crossing over kept them cool despite the sun over their heads.
After some time the red haired tapped on the other's arm and said.
Maxim - Hey look!
Maelstron - What?!? - he said sitting and searching around.
Maxim waited patiently until Maelstron saw it.
Maelstron - So he has finally arrived.
Maxim - I guess things got tougher over there.
Maelstron - And still he lasted longer than us.
Maxim - I give him that.
Both stood there waiting for him to get closer. The winds cross the plains to announce his arrival, petals from the flowers swirl in welcoming patterns and butterflies stop to rest on his shoulder and chat while he walks up the hill to meet his friends.
At the top of the hill, they stood staring at each other. He stood about three meters from Maxim and Maelstron, he had brown hair somewhat short, also standing up, but he wore a black shorts and a black shirt with a dragon on the back. This was the first time they have been together in about 7 years.
Maelstron - Welcome to the end of world, where you can find all the peace you need, we hope you enjoy your stay.
Maxim - Care to tell us what happened?
He walked cross them and sat on the grass. He was really relaxing in this place. The other two joined him shortly after.
Thomas - Well I guess it happened as I expected, just wasn't a shot from behind, it was a fierce slash.
Maelstron - How bad was it?
Thomas - Well it felt like a sword was thrust from my shoulder to my heart and slashed around it cutting me in half. But I guess it wasn't so bad, after all I knew it would go like this, I have known for a long time.
Maxim - That must have hurt, but on the bright side he is still alive.
Thomas - You guys took a lot of blows yourselves, I only lasted that long because of you.
Maelstron - We all did a great job, it wasn't in our hands to protect him from everything.
Thomas - Well we have all eternity to talk to each other.
Maxim - And rest in this wonderful place.
Thomas - Yes!
Maelstron - It would be perfect, if it weren't for the future of the boy.
The three of them stood sitting side by side among all the flowers. It was paradise to them, it was the first rest, peace and relax they had in years. But their minds kept worrying about this boy, the one they guided their whole life, and now he stood alone.
After a few minutes a chilly wind blew through the plains, and with it the feeling that time was fading with their connections to their past. They felt that if they wanted to do something they had not much time.
Thomas - So, should we do something?
Maelstron - But CAN we do something?
Thomas - I wouldn't hurt to try, would it?
Maxim - So what should we do?
Maelstron - I think the best thing would be an advice, since we can't guide him anymore. But should be something that would help him, when he is finally alone.
Maxim - We should tell him the basics so he won't suffer even more.
Thomas - And I really doubt there will be something new to wound he more, we have taken all the greatest blows out of his way.
Maelstron - We have no power to make him happy, so what should we say to him?
The three of them sat facing each other, exchanging looks, thinking about what should be done. They knew they couldn't help much, after all if they could they would have done it before. But maybe they could protect him from basic things that hurt, to avoid some mistakes in the future or protect him from himself. They knew what could be asked, and knew that somethings could not be done, so they started sorting out things.
Maelstron - So friendship is very important, but at the same time painful. He would rather die then lose a friend, but he should not suffer too much for this, after all it is the whole fabric of his existence.
Maxim - Love is something very sweet, but what is important is the care others can give. He should avoid being rejected by important people, but should never be closed to a new person.
Thomas - The world has proven to be unfair, but he will never lose hope of some return for his kind acts. He should just avoid doing good where he will be hurt.
Maelstron - He already lost a friend because his pain was too big, he should step away from his friends so they won't suffer the same fate.
Maxim - You do know he won't split from his friends, no matter how great is his suffering it won't help him.
Maelstron - Then he should try to avoid deep contact when he is very sad, sounds better?
Thomas - Yes. While on the subject, I think he should avoid the internet, this way he stops bothering other people.
Maelstron - Good idea, this is the way, he should avoid doing things that may hurt others, this way they don't complain and he does not get hurt by this. It does him no good knowing what others are doing while he is left out.
Maxim - Good one, but don't you think he will be lonely?
Thomas - It is not in our hands. He is lonely, and we can't change that, let's just hope he finds the company he needs.
Maxim - Well then it is settled, should we go for it?
The other two shook their heads in agreement. They stood up, looking far into the horizon, just a little up to the sky. They felt the wind pass through them until it was the right moment.
Maelstron & Maxim & Thomas - Hear us now, in this wind our words, our last message for your sake. We ask of you, stay away from the internet, at least anyplace where you can express your pain. You should only use communications in case of emergency. Since we can't be there to guide you, you should avoid hurting other people so you won't suffer. Be kind to other people, keep to yourself your pain, but don't let them hurt you, you too deserve to be happy, but since your happiness lies within your friendships, be careful who you let too close to your heart. If you ever find the energy to get any of us out of here, we'll gladly guide you once again, but until then we will be praying for you.
And saying that another wind blew, and the knew they could no longer be heard. So they sighed as they had done all they could. And each said their last words, before eternity took over.
Thomas - May everyone live in happiness, we'll miss being among humans, despite the loneness, it was very funny. Remember that every event in life has many aspects, so try to know them and be fair, specially when it affects other people's lives. May life bring happiness to those who deserve it, and I hope someday justice will prevail. I am sorry if I ever bothered anyone.
Maxim - May each person find love in their lives, even if love is not meant to be answered. I felt happy knowing I loved in my life, loved enough to go against my own health, I hope everyone feels the joy of true love, specially if one is loved back. Love is one of the few things in life worth fighting for, so don't give up, and strive to make your loved ones happy. I am sorry if I failed to do so myself.
Maelstron - One soul cannot stand alone. Not even the strongest ones. Don't be afraid to make friends, you may get hurt, but most friends will make you feel a lot better every day, and if you are lucky you may find a friend that supports you and walks life by your side helping each other. Show your friends you care, even with the simplest things as listening to them, knowing when you should be quiet, respecting them, not poking where it hurts, surprising with a chocolate bar, spending the night doing mindless things so he can take his head out of his troubles, doing simple favors or even important things. Trust you friends, but choose your friends wisely. I know I was never a good friend, but to someone who stood alone my whole life, I tried my best to make others happy. Make friends, never stand alone as long as I have, or you may end up like me. To those who stay, I wish the best of lives, until the day I return, or until an other life. Farewell.
And so, as they stood there looking into the sky, waving goodbye, the wind in their hair, the butterflies all around the sun shining over them, the screen starts to back away from them. They keep waving and when the screen is far enough, at the bottom of the screen, in old handwrite, the last message is written:
The End
And the image fades into darkness leaving only a relaxing music in the background.

The Flower Field
This place is my destiny!
It is simple, but it represents what my soul understands as paradise.
This place is huge, goes as far as your eyes can see. The sky is blue, and most of the time has a few white coulds passing by. The sun shines here, reflecting all the colors in the scenary, but it does not burn the skin, and it passes a gentle feeling of warmth that meets the cooling winds thar cross the eternal plains.
You arrive to see this plains extending from west to east, from south to north, and filled with flowers. There are some hills here and there, there are some trees standing tall and giving some shadow to the plains, but what grasps your attention are the flowers, that cover the whole ground. You can walk between them, you can lay down, but every place you go, you see a carpet of flowers, flowers that vary between tall and short, that has many petals, that has a cup shapped petal, with perfumes that would make anyone fall in love, and they make a sweet fragrance the resembles peace, love and friendship. The flowers are blue, yellow, red, orange, pink and virtually of every color you can imagine, some may even change colors, but even this mix seems harmonic, like if you could look from above they would seems to write something.
The place is calm, few animals reside here, but each gives a little more grace to the picture. You see butterflies all around, they dance from flower to flower, and write messages in the air, they come close and land on you just to make you company.
This place is the most beautiful place in my mind, but I am still trying to find this field on this planet. This is where it all comes to an end, when I die I will come here, to spend eternity in peace.
So when everything that I could take has happenned, I will come here and run away from the world.
I will lie in the flower field, seeing the clouds run by, the butterflies passing graciously, the warmth of the sun in my skin, and the cooling wind in my hair.



Extra message.
I am sorry for all the arguing, I know it is my fault. And as to stop this from bothering you, I will quit. I can't keep up doing this if it annoys you.


Added Message: I told you so! I hate seeing the future, and as much as I could have prepared, I knew this would end up like this. Anyone may say it was obvious, and it was, but still I had the hope it could have gone differently, maybe the same hope that keeps me going, that those words..."Your day will come"... are true, and future holds something to make me happy. But still, it happened, and time has shattered the last pillar, not even if the universe exploded I could be stoped, but this has mad me give up. Screw it, may anything happen, I can't care anymore, I just hope everyone lives happily, that everyone forgives me for the troubles I have caused.
See you all in the flower field. 1

Limitless - Money
Ok, this may be a complete stretch, after all with limitless money the economy would crash.
But imagine you have enough money to do/build/buy whatever you want. Just for purposes of reality you can only spend money with things for you. Maybe presents for other people you know, but no giving a billion dollars to a beggar, to charity. You can say you would give some money to charity, and help some people, just don't try to solve all the problems of the world.
It's basicaly a personal question, if you had the money, what would you like to do?
As for me, I have perfectly clear the money does not bring any happiness for me(not that anything does, but money is because of me). But even so, I would love to do many things with money.
Build a house, a very unique house, with mazes, dungeons, secret passages, and secret rooms. With a large garden, with a flower field.
I could buy those things you never do because they are uselessly expensive. You know, powerfull eletronics, cars, food, games and some other things I rather not tell.
I would give some presents to my friends, of course ^^. Maybe help some of them with their freedom. I admit I would only give to charity if I had lots of cash to spend around(I fairly rare situation). I would probably give a financial help for my college.
I would build two of my dreams, one opera house, a copy of one I saw in a game, simply perfect. And I would like to create a nightclub, a special one, with music related with the game industry.
I would hire people do help me create my website, and my RPG system. And then I would take my time writing my book, after all I do not have to worrie about money ^^.

End of Limitless'


Added Message: Now I travel the final path. I had foreseen this, I warned everyone. I knew this day would come, and I only went towards it. Maybe it is for the best. I feel very cold, like never before, I do not know what I will do, maybe sit down and cry. 2

Limitless - Wish
Suppose you were granted a wish, only one, a once in a life offer.
What would you wish?
Suppose this wish has no limits, you could destroy worlds, build new ones, reshape reality, or simply wish for a piece of apple pie. No one will know you had this wish unless you tell them.
I have had lots of wishes during my life. With a limitless wish I would probably ask something on the level of reshaping reality, or would be in distant planet. Just now I am starting to question my wish, maybe I should do something more drastic, more simple. I have many wishes for diferent kinds of limitations.
So, reveal your creativity, reveal your deepest wish.



Added Message: Warning! Mass System Failure, last request failed. Initiating countdown for final shutdown! 3

Limitless - Time
What would you do if you had all the time in the world?
If anyone one can answer, please do so, I would like what you would do.
Imagine it like this: An angel comes from the sky, a demon from the ground, a genie from a lamp, god himself or whatever being you want to imagine for this purpose, he comes and says.
"In the next week, at anytime you can say 'I wish to stop time.', and then time will stop, for all the time you need, until you say 'May time flow free again.'. During this time you will not age, you won't need to go to the bathroom, you won't have to eat but you may still have to sleep. Everyone else will be frozen in time, not moving, not aging, not thinking, and not being able to be hurt. If it was day when you stoped time, then day it would remain until time began to flow, the same goes if it was night. Any object you need to move you can, but as soon as you stop touching it it will freeze where ever it is.
Basic forms of energy would remain moving, such as electricity, air, light and water in some cases.
You body will work normally, and if something happens for you to die, time will flow normally again.
Remember this is a once in a life time opportunity"
Suppose now that you take this offer. What would you do with this time?
I think I would do a fair amount of things. Maybe travel and see the world. Maybe just explore every inch of my city. I would probably sleep until I was completely relaxed. Until I was sick of sleeping. Then I would go over to the internet and see every movie that I ever had curiosity but not enought time, then I could see the most recommended movies. I could play every game I ever wanted, heard about, or most of the ones existing. I could hear music to find out the ones I like the most.
Ok, I would need about 100 years to do all the things I wanted. I would like to go and learn to do things I like, how to play the piano better, how to make computer animations, how to make games and I would read all about it. I would take my time and create this game I have in my mind, and make it to be perfect. I would finish developing my RPG system. I would create my website for the RPG World Manager and study everything needed for it to be good. I could read many books of my interest. I could look things up to satisfy most of my curiosities.
I would do everything I could find interesting, but for now those are most of the things I would do that I remember, maybe I could build a house. Maybe I could stretch out to imagine some more things I would do, but I rather not mention those here.
I know I can do many of those things in my life, but not close to all I want to do.But I would take my time, time to heal, time to rest, time to learn, time to develop.
What would you do if you had all the time you need at the palm of your hand?

Great things in Life

Since the day I met you
I knew you were special
For the sky was more blue
Your company seemed crucial.

Maybe the light and glow
that shone from your eyes
colorful like the rainbow
brought love to the skies.

Maybe your gentle touch
with unique love in such
can shatter an iron wall
and give peace to recall.

Your efforts to be rewarded
being sweet and lovely
fighting your pain lonely
you deserve your heart warded.

The chance you gave me
a week full of joy and hope
the sweetest kiss to be
finally made my heart lope.

Few things compare to loyalty
your respect and devotion
has worked like a potion
giving the feeling of royalty.

Somethings you can't explain
a friendship worth to obtain
everything I ever dreamed
your soul my own soul calmed.

Many places for a memory
in a ring your every care
in a kiss a year of glory
of peace and hope all so rare.

Somethings are hard to obtain
with fight and maybe some pain
I am thankful to have found
the people to whom I'm bound.

Why is it so hard?
Hell, it shouldn't be so hard! Why does it have to be like this...
Why do people try to destroy each moment, is it so hard to let someone enjoy it?
Why is it so necessary to criticize others? Some are trying to do something nice, is it too hard to spare a nice word?
Why is it so hard to stop complaining, why don't I just shut up?
Why is it so hard to accept simple things?
Why am I unable to make someone feel better? Does no one care for what I can give, or I became a lousy helper?
Why is it so hard to find someone that likes you? Most people I know do not seem to have a problem with that, did I miss some basic definition?
Why is it so hard to make company to someone?
Why are people so stubborn, can't they admit what others say, accept what others offer or believe what others teach them?
Why is it so hard to give up, and at the same time so hard to keep trying?
Why is it so hard to be nice to others?
Why don't you hear me, why don't you call me, why don't you keep your promisses, why don't you tell me, why don't you share your problems, why don't you spare me from your troubles, why don't you make me company, why don't you come see me, why don't you do something for me, why don't you do me a favor, why don't you give me your hand, why don't you want to see me, why don't you sleep with me, why don't you stay here? Will I ever find someone?
Why don't I shut up, why can't I sleep in peace, why do I worry everytime you are not smiling, why do I try to help you even when you don't help me, why do I have to be alone, why am I so tired, why am I so sad, why don't I cry, why do I smile, why do I feel scared, why don't I leave you alone for a while, why can't I find someone that loves me? What should I do?
As I stand confused, I feel like I know as much as a five years old, I do not need to know the answer to these questions, maybe I would like to know only one answer.
So many relationships, so many troubles with people, did I cause all this? Is it because of my choices that I am here? Do I bring suffering to others? Will I ever find peace?
As I was watching this stupid movie I read this: If there is no point in life, what the hell would be the point in death? Even if I think I know the answer, I find amusing the funny sence it makes.
I don't know what to do in my life. Should I try to engage some talk? Shoul I stay quiet and let things cool down? Should I try to meet someone new, but where? Should I sleep 24 hours straight? Should I wait for someone to come? What should I do, let time fly away?
I sometimes wish I could hear your voices here, would like you to say something. But I guess no one should say something if they don't want.
As my eyes start to close without my permition I should go to sleep, but I am afraid of the tomorrow. I hope someone can say something nice in the next days, even if a simple I like you...

Ok...I admit.
I have been somewhat of a nuisance to some people in the last year.
I want to apologize. Maybe I should have kept my problems to myself. Maybe I should have tried to be a nice person. Maybe I could have done things differently, but now everything is done, and I can't take it back.
I want to tell everyone that I loved every single time you heard me, and I hope that I could give back the moments of joy you gave me, or at least I hope I can do that someday.
Thanks for being my friends.
I hope I can be your friend as well.
Please, tell me if I am bothering you. As a friend I never wanted to be a burden, but I get carried away when we talk.
I get sad when any of you is not ok. I know sometimes it is not in my power to make you feel happy, but I want to push my limit, so one day I may be able to help, when you least expect.
I feel happy whenever I remember your smiles. Your kisses and hugs are the reason I go on. They give me the hope and energy to dream.
I am here to talk whenever you want, tell me how to be a better friend, teach me new things, and learn with me if I can teach you something.
Sorry for every pain I caused. I know I lost some friends because of this, and I don't want the see that happen again.
I pray you will be happy, and I will try to do everthing in my power to make you happier every day.
It is a shame that most of you won't read this, but it matters not, I will do my best to make my wishes of happiness come true nonetheless.
I hope I find the energy for that... but I know it is hidden in your smile.

A Whirlpool
It has been a long journey. About seven years now, and I must confess I am pretty tired.
I look back into the places I have been through, and I smile thinking of how long it has been since any quiet moment.
I always enjoyed the feeling of relaxing calmly in a quiet place, just appreciating the view, and for the last years I have been running away as fast as I can so my problems, pains and regrets wouldn't catch up with me.
On the good side, I have been through a lot of interesting places. On the bad side I could not spend as much time in each one as I would like.
I remember that years ago I started travelling in the high grounds of some valleys, with some people, and after the hard hit of a fog, we got separated, and I ended up crossing the valley through a five miles bridge. The wind was very strong and the bridge was insanely high, and as I was wounded it took me some time to cross it.
On the other side I came to a forest, a very dark, very humid forest. The high number of trees made it difficult to cross, and the lack of light also made it a hard trial. I felt alone most of the time, but sometimes I could feel there was someone there with me, and that gave me some peace in the right moments.
As I left the forest I reached this region where it is always night, with no stars or moon to give any light. As I went on, I had to face some major challenges some of them took their toll, others took their time to heal and some were replaced by deeper wounds.
Recently I got out of that region, and came acrosse this huge plains, going as far as my eye can see. I have been going down with it, and it appears to be the crossing of valleys, as I can see opening in the mountains to the left, the right, and up front. The wind has been hitting very hard. Now I reached the center of the plains and got surprised by this whirlwind.
As my emotions were already severed, and things have been confusiong in all this travelling. I must admit, this whirlwind struct me with a confusion that took over most of my thoughts. I am now holding my left arm up to cover my face, my right arm in my chest to protect my heart, and I am trying to walk forward with only the deafening sound of rushing wind.
I feel lost, I have no idea where to go. I feel weak, and want to lie down for sometime. I want someone to take me out of this place, I am too confused, and just want to feel my self again. My knees are finally asking me to stop.
I want to hear a voice, a voice I know. I want to hear your voice.
I hope you are still there.

The Bright Night
As time seems to be playing a joke on me, the last event had a twins sister.
Sunday night, I was uneasy. Maybe it was all the study that is needed to be done, or I was tired of the few sleep hours, maybe I was worried with my friend, or my other friend, I couldn't tell, but because of it I was tossing and turning in bed until two thirty in the morning, when I decided to get a drink, and try to calm myself to sleep.
As I crossed the living room, I felt like something was out of place, the curtains were all open, when they should be closed, of course, my parents are away from home, so I am responsible for house maintenance. But still, it was not the curtains that was wrong, and as I went to close them I realized it was too bright for this time of the night. I thought it could be the outer lights of the house, but when I turned them of, I saw my garden with such light, that you could see everything in it. The light came not from the house, or from the neighbors, in a really odd way, the light came from the sky.
The night was really cloudy, and not even in a perfectly clear sky, with full moon, I have seen such clarity in this time of night.
I closed all the curtains, went to my bedroom, and after some time I fell asleep. I still feel uneasy, and I do not know why, but as I hope it passes soon, I just wish that someday near, I may have a friend to talk with me for a whole day.

A Dark Day
As the day before had it surprises, and some misteries, I woke up.
I was tired, had only a few hours of sleep for the past days. I was worried about a friend, but I was still relaxed from the company the day before.
When I steped out of my house, something strange caught my atention. It was past six in the morning, and as I was used to wake up this time of the morning, or sometimes sleep about this hour, I was used to the clarity of the first rays of sun light, still unable to reach my house, but already illuminating the sky. But today was different, it had no light, the birds did not sing, it still felt like night. When I play RPG with my friends, they sometimes leave at this time of the morning, before we go to sleep, and most times, when I go up the stairs to say goodbye, I find the next day newspaper in the front of my garage, but not today, even the delivery boy was late.
It was as if the world had shifted one hour into the past.
After sometime stand in the middle of the street, looking into this dark sky, on the dark day, I recovered and walked towards the car, as my next destiny was the airport.