Why is it so hard?
Hell, it shouldn't be so hard! Why does it have to be like this...
Why do people try to destroy each moment, is it so hard to let someone enjoy it?
Why is it so necessary to criticize others? Some are trying to do something nice, is it too hard to spare a nice word?
Why is it so hard to stop complaining, why don't I just shut up?
Why is it so hard to accept simple things?
Why am I unable to make someone feel better? Does no one care for what I can give, or I became a lousy helper?
Why is it so hard to find someone that likes you? Most people I know do not seem to have a problem with that, did I miss some basic definition?
Why is it so hard to make company to someone?
Why are people so stubborn, can't they admit what others say, accept what others offer or believe what others teach them?
Why is it so hard to give up, and at the same time so hard to keep trying?
Why is it so hard to be nice to others?
Why don't you hear me, why don't you call me, why don't you keep your promisses, why don't you tell me, why don't you share your problems, why don't you spare me from your troubles, why don't you make me company, why don't you come see me, why don't you do something for me, why don't you do me a favor, why don't you give me your hand, why don't you want to see me, why don't you sleep with me, why don't you stay here? Will I ever find someone?
Why don't I shut up, why can't I sleep in peace, why do I worry everytime you are not smiling, why do I try to help you even when you don't help me, why do I have to be alone, why am I so tired, why am I so sad, why don't I cry, why do I smile, why do I feel scared, why don't I leave you alone for a while, why can't I find someone that loves me? What should I do?
As I stand confused, I feel like I know as much as a five years old, I do not need to know the answer to these questions, maybe I would like to know only one answer.
So many relationships, so many troubles with people, did I cause all this? Is it because of my choices that I am here? Do I bring suffering to others? Will I ever find peace?
As I was watching this stupid movie I read this: If there is no point in life, what the hell would be the point in death? Even if I think I know the answer, I find amusing the funny sence it makes.
I don't know what to do in my life. Should I try to engage some talk? Shoul I stay quiet and let things cool down? Should I try to meet someone new, but where? Should I sleep 24 hours straight? Should I wait for someone to come? What should I do, let time fly away?
I sometimes wish I could hear your voices here, would like you to say something. But I guess no one should say something if they don't want.
As my eyes start to close without my permition I should go to sleep, but I am afraid of the tomorrow. I hope someone can say something nice in the next days, even if a simple I like you...

Ok...I admit.
I have been somewhat of a nuisance to some people in the last year.
I want to apologize. Maybe I should have kept my problems to myself. Maybe I should have tried to be a nice person. Maybe I could have done things differently, but now everything is done, and I can't take it back.
I want to tell everyone that I loved every single time you heard me, and I hope that I could give back the moments of joy you gave me, or at least I hope I can do that someday.
Thanks for being my friends.
I hope I can be your friend as well.
Please, tell me if I am bothering you. As a friend I never wanted to be a burden, but I get carried away when we talk.
I get sad when any of you is not ok. I know sometimes it is not in my power to make you feel happy, but I want to push my limit, so one day I may be able to help, when you least expect.
I feel happy whenever I remember your smiles. Your kisses and hugs are the reason I go on. They give me the hope and energy to dream.
I am here to talk whenever you want, tell me how to be a better friend, teach me new things, and learn with me if I can teach you something.
Sorry for every pain I caused. I know I lost some friends because of this, and I don't want the see that happen again.
I pray you will be happy, and I will try to do everthing in my power to make you happier every day.
It is a shame that most of you won't read this, but it matters not, I will do my best to make my wishes of happiness come true nonetheless.
I hope I find the energy for that... but I know it is hidden in your smile.

A Whirlpool
It has been a long journey. About seven years now, and I must confess I am pretty tired.
I look back into the places I have been through, and I smile thinking of how long it has been since any quiet moment.
I always enjoyed the feeling of relaxing calmly in a quiet place, just appreciating the view, and for the last years I have been running away as fast as I can so my problems, pains and regrets wouldn't catch up with me.
On the good side, I have been through a lot of interesting places. On the bad side I could not spend as much time in each one as I would like.
I remember that years ago I started travelling in the high grounds of some valleys, with some people, and after the hard hit of a fog, we got separated, and I ended up crossing the valley through a five miles bridge. The wind was very strong and the bridge was insanely high, and as I was wounded it took me some time to cross it.
On the other side I came to a forest, a very dark, very humid forest. The high number of trees made it difficult to cross, and the lack of light also made it a hard trial. I felt alone most of the time, but sometimes I could feel there was someone there with me, and that gave me some peace in the right moments.
As I left the forest I reached this region where it is always night, with no stars or moon to give any light. As I went on, I had to face some major challenges some of them took their toll, others took their time to heal and some were replaced by deeper wounds.
Recently I got out of that region, and came acrosse this huge plains, going as far as my eye can see. I have been going down with it, and it appears to be the crossing of valleys, as I can see opening in the mountains to the left, the right, and up front. The wind has been hitting very hard. Now I reached the center of the plains and got surprised by this whirlwind.
As my emotions were already severed, and things have been confusiong in all this travelling. I must admit, this whirlwind struct me with a confusion that took over most of my thoughts. I am now holding my left arm up to cover my face, my right arm in my chest to protect my heart, and I am trying to walk forward with only the deafening sound of rushing wind.
I feel lost, I have no idea where to go. I feel weak, and want to lie down for sometime. I want someone to take me out of this place, I am too confused, and just want to feel my self again. My knees are finally asking me to stop.
I want to hear a voice, a voice I know. I want to hear your voice.
I hope you are still there.

The Bright Night
As time seems to be playing a joke on me, the last event had a twins sister.
Sunday night, I was uneasy. Maybe it was all the study that is needed to be done, or I was tired of the few sleep hours, maybe I was worried with my friend, or my other friend, I couldn't tell, but because of it I was tossing and turning in bed until two thirty in the morning, when I decided to get a drink, and try to calm myself to sleep.
As I crossed the living room, I felt like something was out of place, the curtains were all open, when they should be closed, of course, my parents are away from home, so I am responsible for house maintenance. But still, it was not the curtains that was wrong, and as I went to close them I realized it was too bright for this time of the night. I thought it could be the outer lights of the house, but when I turned them of, I saw my garden with such light, that you could see everything in it. The light came not from the house, or from the neighbors, in a really odd way, the light came from the sky.
The night was really cloudy, and not even in a perfectly clear sky, with full moon, I have seen such clarity in this time of night.
I closed all the curtains, went to my bedroom, and after some time I fell asleep. I still feel uneasy, and I do not know why, but as I hope it passes soon, I just wish that someday near, I may have a friend to talk with me for a whole day.

A Dark Day
As the day before had it surprises, and some misteries, I woke up.
I was tired, had only a few hours of sleep for the past days. I was worried about a friend, but I was still relaxed from the company the day before.
When I steped out of my house, something strange caught my atention. It was past six in the morning, and as I was used to wake up this time of the morning, or sometimes sleep about this hour, I was used to the clarity of the first rays of sun light, still unable to reach my house, but already illuminating the sky. But today was different, it had no light, the birds did not sing, it still felt like night. When I play RPG with my friends, they sometimes leave at this time of the morning, before we go to sleep, and most times, when I go up the stairs to say goodbye, I find the next day newspaper in the front of my garage, but not today, even the delivery boy was late.
It was as if the world had shifted one hour into the past.
After sometime stand in the middle of the street, looking into this dark sky, on the dark day, I recovered and walked towards the car, as my next destiny was the airport.

Foresight.
Well, I bring on a proud statement. That very few things in my life did surprise me. Of course, the fact that I don't like most things that happened in my life would make me feel stupid, for if I knew it would happen, why didn't I avoid it?!
Well, in my defence, even if I believe one can see into the future, I believe that most times anyone sees into the future, they can see the future only because they can't change it .
In my case, I tried to avoid some things, failed to believe others or simply thought that sometimes it was for the best. I wouldn't say I regret my decisions, most of them, despite all the pain, most I would do the same over and over. It is stupid, but it is what I believe is right. So as my motto stands, I won't give up, at least not for now, and will try to make the best out of it.
Getting to the point, I am here so I can allow myself to brag a bit. Some things have been going on, and I want to give a warning, mainly to myself. I usually doubt my foresight until it already happened, but to be fair, I will try believing before.
As I stand now, one third of my soul, I would be suspicious to say this, but I sense the end of the last third. I can feel the reality shapping around me, it has this sound, like everything has an echo. It feels like I am in this black blanket of water, as far as the eye can see, I can hear these drops, and sometimes even see them, then I look down to the surface of the black water, and I can see the ripples of these drops, some are colliding with others, some are fading alone, some fall so close to another that they send a bigger ripple together.
As I see some events, and their ripples, the sound of the drops start to become a different sound, it still has this water efect around it, but it is not like the drops on the lake, it is more like...hummmmm...like steps in the water covered street.
The scenery changes, I start seeing as in from another's eyes. This third person view moves away from me, but it keeps me on the center of the picture. I am standing in the middle of the street, it is my soul, it has this glow around it and is covered with red spots, it seems tired. It is raining, but I am standing still there, watching over the people moving around in the street, these people are only black shadows of people, but somehow I seem to know some of those shadows. I stand there looking in the space between two houses, I seem surprised, and afraid, but from my point of view I can't see what I am looking at. The steps I was hearing are getting stronger, whoever is walking is getting close. Now I can see, this man, unlike the shadows he has a form, but he wears a black overall and wide black hat, so I can't see who it is, or if it is man, women or even human. He is coming from behind, but I don't seem to notice, it must be something really important to stand there with such attention. My view gets a little blurred, so I instinctively try to blink, I have no idea why this would ever work, I have no body, it is standing in front of me, guess it is just reflex. When I open my eyes, I am back in my body, I feel covered in fear, if anyone could see me I would be as white as a ghost, I know there is someone behind me, but I don't seem to be able to move. Then... my blood stops flowing, as I hear the clicking sound of the striker being pulled back, the sound of the bullet rolling from the chamber into the barrel. It was all confusing, how I could hear so clearly in the rain, why was this person doing this, why was I unable to move, and what in all seven heavens did I see between those houses. So, as I hear the trigger being pulled I know I can't dodge, I know this is the end, I will not know why, but at least I could die knowing what was beyond the houses.
As the light caught my eyes, revealing that simple, somewhat beautiful, image, I heard the sound of the pistol firing, it was only time enough for me to think that I should not have seen that image. Then I feel the sound of the water fading away, with all light, and the rest of my soul.
When I open my eyes again, I am back to third view, and I see myself, but I am not dead? Then it hits, that was my soul, and there is no glow around me, just a faint red color that is all over me, my soul was dead, but I was not, I was...was oddly peaceful.
This is just for the record. I pray that I am wrong, but if I am not, I at least get to say, I told you so.

Unchanging Changes
I realized, in the most bizarre way possible, that things have taken a course I did not expect.
As I was my whole life, I am afraid of changes. I didn't want to change schools, I was afraid of going to college because I did not know if I would meet anyone. I never wanted anything to change, and as life carries on I could not avoid some major changes, no changes were deeply bad, some may have caused some pain, but I never seen a change in my life that really made me regret it.
After many thoughts I came across the words I told myself. It was one unusual day, I was having some discussions over msn, and trying to get a grip of my emotions. As someone told me I would have to change, and as I said I could not change, one voice inside me said:
- Hey your life has changed many times, and you never had as much problem as you imagined the changes would bring, so just wait and things will change in time.
So came the answer that made me shake:
- But, even with some many changes in life, you are just as you were many years ago, your life is not much different from your past!
I stopped to think about this... and it was true.
I fought my whole life against the changes happening, and where I thought I had failed, in reality, I suceeded. Of course, many things in my life have changed, but looking over the great picture, it is just the same, I still am going do school(college), I am still single(oh crud! ^^), I still have troubles to see my friends(like that would ever change), and so on.
I live the same life as before, but with new components, new people, new challenges. Lets say I am still fighting the same battle, but now I have new enemies, new weapons, new clothes, new surroundings.
I wonder if I can, or should, change the great picture, most little changes I do not like, but I think it is because they are little that I don't mind the changes, I think things should change on their own natural way.
But as things go, the thing that bothers me is that it all was kind of expected... almost like I could tell before things happened, but that is going to be my next topic.

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 19 ~
"... then we just have to reach the top of the peak, should be easy if it weren't for all the monsters. If only he was here with us, this could be an easier mission.
- I get it will be dificult, but together we can face most monsters without much trouble.
- Probably. - he replied with a simple shrug, while he tried to spot anything unusual up ahead.
- So why he would make such a difference if he was here? He didn't seem so much powerful, as to my own understanding I could face him, and maybe win.
- You could win, maybe with not much effort, but that is only because he is much weaker than usual. He is much more powerful than you think.
- How come? - he asked with sudden interest.
- He should be using about one tenth of the power I know he can tap into. Just so you have a comparing ground.
- One tenth? - he asked in surprise, he fought many power people in his life, but such kind of power was still unknown to him. - But that would make him... no, that kind of power is far beyond human.
- Actually, some of us can reach about six or seven times his current power, and only with extreme need and danger. There is a slight difference in the ways to his power and to our power.
- What do you mean? - the look on his face showed the mix of passing surprise and coming confusion, it was quite funny, if anyone was in the mood to laugh.
- Ok guess you never learned this. Well, when it comes to power everyone has to have a source from where to draw this power. Like for example some have greed and lust, others have revenge and some have faith. Some of these powers are sources of great power, and many strong people draw their power from them, they are love, friends, family, honor, ideals, justice, faith and survival. Two reasons are worth of mentioning. Some people fight for love, not the relationship love, they fight for their love for someone, in this case the one fighting is willing to die to make sure the one they love is happy and safe, and if anything threatens the one they love they tap into a power and go beserk until they remove the threat, the problem is when you have no one you love that much, when that happens people who draw their power from this simply fight like a weak goblin, because they have no will to fight. Another type you should fear is those who have nothing alse to lose. These people are willing to fight against anything because they have no attachment to life, and since there is nothing to hold them back in battle they enter a stage of trance with the energy flowing around them and fight with imense power. As the one before there is also a drawback to this kind of power, give anyone who has nothing to lose something to be attached to, and they will stop fighting in fear of being separated from their reason to live.
He paused searching for words, his companion was listening with curiosity and attention so he would not be interrupted. He looked around their surroundings, the rocky trail going up the mountain had been their route, the one they would follow for one more day, at least he hoped that it would take only one more day. As he focused he resumed the subject.
- Even if he fights for the sake of the world, even if he fights because he thinks it is right, or to bring justice. He can fight for many reasons, but the fact is, he only fights because he is needed. You may have noticed he never drew his sword in battle, or he never attacked first in combat, he only attacks when someone near him is put in danger, or when he has to defend himself, but you never seen him attack to kill another living creature.
As he looked puzzled by this new insight, he said some words.
- Ok, he is a pacifist, that is true, but I never gave much thought about it. But if his powers come from being needed, why is he so weak when he is needed to save the world?
- It is simple! - He said turning to his friend - Along time ago, a monster attacked our town, is was night but we all were playing near the school ground, as the guards got caught up holding back other monsters this one entered the city to find us unguarded, five children with very weak powers, and no adult around. As we tried to run, the monster proved to be faster than us, and when to attack one of us. In a split second, he turned into the monster direction, crossed the space between them, and with one concentration of energy I will never forget, he cut the monster in many pieces using pure energy, only to stop the monsters claw about fifteen centimeters from her face. Our friend was white from the scare, and he fell on the ground with no energy to stand. He fought because she needed him, because he was her only hope to be alive now, and because she liked him and needed him around. He would fight for anyone like this, as long as the person needs him. But in the years, he lost touch with all his friends, with everyone that ever needed him, and when the people of Aganon told him that they didn't want him to help them, he realized that no one is this world needed him, he was something basically useless and only a tool someone was using to try to save the world. When is comes down to it, he will fight to save his family, and anyone of us who wishes to live with him. But as things stand now, no one of us needs him, no one in the world wants his help or his company, so he has nothing to fight for.
- And that is why he ran away? Because he wants to get some attention?
- No, he ran away because he knows he is weak now, and he fears in the deep parts of his heart that he may not be strong enough to protect us, and he wants us to give up, or stop in some strong monster that we can't pass, so this way none of us may die. He wants us to be happy, he wants to protect us, but he has no reason to fight to save this world, as neither do we, and as he is he can't protect us, probably you can protect us better. Until we make him realize that we want him with us, and that we want to see the future together with him, he won't fight at his best. Any one of us can lose our will to fight, but he is the only one that can lead us into this battle, that if he finds the will to fight.
They stood there watching over the trail, the other would be reaching them soon, and as he understood the deeper reasons of power, he felt like he wanted to give his friend a reason to fight, so that he could be by his side, but he felt sad as..."
~ End of Part 19 ~