Tears and Happiness
As from some recent convesations, from some recent events, from some things I watched, from many times thinking with myself, I now am feeling strange.
I don't get this, is as if I wanted to create hope, but at the same time it is as if I prefered things this way.
As I stood looking at my computer screen, I observed the last moments of my video, I was hoping for one ending, and I didn't know how it could happen, but as things went on I heard words, sweet and simple words, words that maybe on similiar conditions I could have said, these words began everything.
Instants latter I was crying, and as things continued I saw the beautiful ending I wished for starting to happen, and with only simple words and gestures I could feel everything was in place again. But in a single moment time and space severed apart, and in that moment two of my voices said things to me:
"Are you crying because you are in pain, imagining that you are far from your happiness, that may never happen?"
Said the first voice followed by the second one.
"Are you crying because you hope that someday you may find your happiness this way, and that seeing it gives you hopes and dreams about this lovely future that awaits you?"
But time was still slow as my current personality, the one still breathing normaly, started to realize, the thing that rendered me paralized for some time, confused at the same time, and dazed watching time pass at slow rates, slow even for me. It simply replied.
"I do not feel happy, and I do not feel pain, there is no sadness here. These tears do not represent pain or hope, and I have nothing to do with them. Those tears are simply tears."
And I wanted to know why was I crying, was it the movie, and that alone? No, it couldn't. Then a sudden joy took over. This was the first time in months I was crying and I was not sad. I knew that this didn't make my problems go away, but I think it meant I was getting strong enough not to feel sad about the happiness that may be far.
Maybe I am regaining hope, but as two of my personalities, the two that take care of dreams and hopes, are down resting in a coma-like state, I think that this means that I want to cry from happiness, that I no longer want to feel sad when others are happy.
And as some of the words from my movie gave me this new feeling, I leave them here.
"While being together, many hard and painful things may happen. But being separated is much more painful.
I've had really hard times before. And even now my heart is still hurting. Really, really painful things. When I lose an important thing, the pain remais, and still hurts. But I am still looking for him, the one who likes me as I am.
Even if it will be pain, and even if my heart will hurt, I still... want that person"
I will keep fighting for my happy ending. But it really could come soon ^^.

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 18/III ~
"and the glow around them grew stronger, and as they finally could see into each other's eyes they knew that their energy waves were unsychronizing. He looked away, pulled a deep breath and started.
- Ever since ten year ago, when you all left our hometown to go study in other places, I wanted to keep in contact with everyone but the most I got was the replies from Cid that wrote to me until I was 13. I missed everyone, we used to have a great time, but eventually we lost our friendship, no one even showed up for my graduation.
She flinched as she lost the words she wanted to say, her soul seemed as if it was holding her back. She only put her hand in his arm and waited for his words. After a few seconds he continued.
- So I wanted to bury this feeling and went on my journey to get stronger. From all my teachings and from my own style I was always led to use my power to save humans, fight for justice and make people happy. And that it what I did, helped others.
He looked into her eyes... no, beyond her eyes, he was trying to reach deep into her soul.
- And now that the human race is in peril, I thought I would rise up and fight again, I thought I could gather all my friends again and fight together, but after the last fight I lost all reasons to fight.
As he turned away to look forward, the silence filled the time passing around them, the wind could be felt caressing their faces gently. After some time he continued.
- I can't fight for the human race if they don't want my help, if they don't want to be saved. I fought for human long enough, but I never got nothing besides thank you. I thought I didn't need more, but then again, this is the battle for all humans, why should I fight for them, this is their fight, I won't fight for them if they do not treat me with at least some respect and care but the way things are, humans won't change soon enough.
- Don't you at least want to be known for saving the world? - she asked hopefully.
- I think that kind glory faded as I grew old. I just wanted to be with my friends, I wanted to have someone to fight by my side. But I guess few people want to fight through their lives.
- But we are fighting with you, aren't we?
- You are fighting the same fight as me but not with me. I tried to bring everyone to fight with me, but some have things more important than saving the world. The friends I gathered, are not here to fight with me, but because someone told them to fight. The problem is that you are fighting for your own personal problems, and I would love to help you guys, but I have to fight for the safety of the whole human race, for the friendships of my friends, and against all my own personal problems. I am just tired of doing everything in my power to make everyone feel better, and in the end no one gives me a moment of care.
She was trying to sort out the words. She began remembering the last events, she thought about the fight that was up ahead, and the future after that. She felt sad thinking about his words. It came for only a few seconds, when she grabbed his hand and as she looked into his eyes she said.
- Humans will never fight for themselves, but I am willing to fight for them. I don't want to see more suffering, more death and I want fo fight for my loved one's safety. I will fight for your safety, as for the first time in ten years, but I must say I still would feel safe if you came along, your presence would give me courage and determination to fight on. Even if we are not helping your fights, your presence makes us feel better, and besides, if you do not go with us you won't give us a chance to make you happy. - she smiled saying this, and finished - I will try to give you the care you need, and I believe that everyone will come to give you some care when time is right.
He was surprised she was even trying, the sadness he felt was not going to go away this simple, but at least she was right, he could give it a try.
- Ok, I hope you all start giving me a little support. I can't fight for everyone, but then again if I do not fight apparantly no one will, so I might as well go.
She simply noded to him, she had in her heart the will to make him happy, now she just had to have the opportunity.
As he raised she stood by his side, holding hands together, she whispered something in his ear, and two seconds latter the glow around them faded."
~ End of Part 18 ~

Beauty does not vanish, it just gets hidden.
So, I love to complain how the sky in the big city has almost no stars, if it has at all. But today I take some of it back. I still believe the sky at night has no stars, that the moon begins with strange colors due to pollution. But now I know the sky in the big city hides its beauty.
Today when I was walking towards an event I was going to, on the sidewalk wating for the green light to continue my way, I raised my head and my attention got held in a piece of the sky. It was wierd looking into such a beautiful sight in a place where I thought all the beauty was lost.
It was somehow the white clouds made a first line, and behind them stood the gray clouds, to feeling of looking into a new dimension. The holes in the clouds made a big openning where you could see directly the blue sky, I was impressed there was a BLUE sky. This look, the two rows of clouds moving and playing to hide the true and beautiful color of the sky, and the sensation that the sunlight was shining between the coulds and giving light into someones life.
After come time I went on my way, but now I carry the feeling that there is beauty even in the most unexpected places, you just have to want to find, or get lucky to see it ^^.

Lives and Dreams
I guess every living being has dreams, at least that is what I believe. Each one dreams about being happy, and finding the things that will make one happy. Some believe that when you achieve a dream, you will feel empty and will find another dream, some people do not believe you can find happiness in simple things, at least not a happiness that will last. Even I, with so many reasons to belive otherwise, I still think one can find true happiness and live in peace with the world. Maybe I am wrong, but I think I will only find out the day I die.
So I live to fulfil my dreams, I have some dreams I won't be able to accomplish, at least I think I won't, those farfetched dreams with super powers and things like that. I was born to do one thing, and I am trying to do it. This one thing that almost no one does anymore, something that people give little respect, and that brings no reward, but it is something that makes me feel better as a human being.
Even so my dreams part with my purposes. I dream about finding happiness just like anyone else, finding someone that will be by my side, someone whos presence alone will make me smile, someone to share my life with. I dream about being able to finish college soon and going to work doing what I like most. I dream of finding people that will be with me, going out, playing games, sharing problems and helping with mine. I dream just like anyone else.
I always thought it was normal to look up to people, there was this friend more intelligent than me, I wanted to be like him. Same for my stronger friend, my tall friend, my popular friend and many others I admired and tried to evolve to suit their best qualities. But then it came...
The surprise life reserved for me, one of the few things I could not predict or even expect. I have seen most my pains approach slowly, and see my efforts to avoid them fail sadly. But not this time. It just snuck upon me this time. It was someone, someone I thought was just like me a few years in the past. I somehow related to this person, my own illusion was to believe that our thoughts were similar.
Not only has this person revealed its own ways, but now it seems as it was a different person back then. I was surprised. So much changes. So many masks.
Why has things gone this way I do not know. I do not hate this person, as I prefer being friends with. I like meeting new people, specialy interesting ones. I find something amusing about this being, it like there is no awareness inside the soul. So what is the big deal? Well... the problem is... this person is living my dreams.
I would like to say this is me overreacting, and at somepoint it may be, I would love it to be resumed as this person got the job I wanted. But it is not that simple.
This person, is younger, has achieved more, and it's life has brought everything that I was led to believe that I ever wanted. Friendships, family, health, all the things everyone pointed in my life that I had, and therefore had no reason to be sad, everything this person has beaten me. The friends answer to every call, to do anything, even do nothing. The family has not the tension and pressure existing in mine. The health is near perfect, having not the problems I have. Life itself seems to agree, in a unexplainable way, and work out for the best for this person. People tend to side with and follow its very steps. Love has brought more than ever brought me. The games played, and the ways played, and the time to do everything, is just the way I wanted. The way I never could have, and probably never will.
It makes me wonder why. Everything I ever wanted, all my dreams, given away to some random person. Why is someone else living my dreams? I worked my whole life to be a nice person, but that is rewarded with what, nothing, instead I have to watch my dreams and hopes fade away within another persons life.
What may bother me the most, is to see that this person is sometimes sad. Living everything I ever wished for(almost everything), and still that is not enough. One wants more. My dreams are not enough for others.
I hope no one goes through this.
Ok I will stop being overdramatic, and soon will post the last part of the 18th chronicle, just as soon as I get in the mood.
I have done so many things to make others dreams come true, and make them happy, that I have no ideia what I should do for myself. Seeing my dream in someone elses hand has taken all my hopes away. I have nothing in the future to live for. When did this happen?

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 18/II ~
"... and the wind blew strong, waving all the plants in the same direction. A flower feel from a nearby tree, he watched thinking in grabbing it, but he was worried with the situation. As the flower hit the ground he asked:
- How did you get here?
The girl looked in his direction, not so sure where his face was, he looked back surprised with the look of indignation in her eyes. He knew she could not see him, but he was there listening.
- Did you already forget? You told me how to come here when I left uor hometown, you gave me the card to jump into this dimension and told me if I needed to find you I could use this and at least leave a message here. When you left everyone without saying where you went, I imagined you could have come here, so when I got the chance a warped here.
- I must be loosing my mind, I forgot completely about that. It has been what? Ten years already?! Remember how we used to hand out the five of us all the time? - he said trying to shake out the shame of forgetting - But... you never came. So why now?
He looked at her and saw her face turning away, her cheeks flushing. His face flushed as he didn't want to discuss these kind of things, he turned forward and gazed upon a lizard standing on top of a rock.
She didn't have an excuse, and she knew better than trying to make one up. So she skipped to the important matter.
- Why did you leave? We need you up there, everyone is kind of lost. We are headed to the Revaku peak, but they seem to be loosing hope. - she paused - Why?
- Well. - he started - I got tired of helping your hopes, giving everyone the strength to fight, the will to live, trying to help everyone get..."
~ End of Part /II ~

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 18/I ~
"...so this was the place and the time where he would be happy to be alone. He knew the place very well, so it took him little time to arrive at this place, this place only he knew that existed. You had to through some preety hard trails to get there, but mostly the secret doors and protective spells that he laid on the right places made it specially difficult to find this trail.
He jumped to a tall rock, about 10 meters high, from there he could see a nice distance and observe that place surounding him. He observed the beautys of the landscape, the wild shape of the trees, the breathtaking rock formations and the plants growing in the vicinity. He thought that he had already forgotten that he could only see this place so perfectly because he was half demon and had a dark spirit. He was in the Ninth Circle of Hell, where no light would prevail, where there were no light sources.
After some time he sat on the rock, and started talking as if there was some one there to listen, but he was only talking to himself, if there was another person there he was not aware, and he thought that alone was impossible.
"Funny thing about this Circle of Hell, - he paused a bit - this is one of the most beautiful places in the existence. Here were the sun does not shine, and most people can't see. Maybe the landscape helps to make them seem so pretty, but it is the way the trees have a strange but hamonic balance in their branches, their leaves each having and unique form, showing and progressive evolution inside the trees soul alied to the nature independent way to evolve. Or maybe it is how the rocks have forms that each seem like it is trying to atack something but at the same time they have a form of their own that makes um want to attack with them. There is also the flowers, each having the most colorful petals in some harmony that would make poets chant their lives about them, and the way they seem prepared to defend with spikes and razorsharp petals against an invisible attacker."
He knew that he only seen a very little part of existence but in all his traveling in his home world and in some of the elemental planes he knew this was probably the most beautiful place, even if there could be many others places more fascinating, he thought that everyone should see this place one day. He took a deep breath.
He was filled with the energy flowing freely in this place. He wanted to stay there, run from the troubles in his planet. There was no point in fighting anymore, and this was the place to rest for the next year.
So much was his awe that he failed miserably to notice the girl reaching to..."
~ End of Part /I ~

Shiatsu
It was on a clouded day, a little rain fell from the sky. I had had two bad days before that day. It did not start well, but at least it did not start bad.
I started taking care of some pending business, I had to make some calls, buy some stuff and put in motion my quest for some presents.
When it was time, around 4 in the afternoon, I prepared my things and took off to my destiny. I arrived near 4:30, I remember thinking if I should take my coat with me in case the rain got worse latter on. Decided to leave the coat on the car and went on my way, up the ramp leading to the house where I would get my massage. I was welcomed by a nice lady, took my shoes off, completed the first time form, and after a few minutes I was called by my masseuse. In the room I changed into a pijama they offered, and went on with the Shiatsu session. One hour latter I left the place.
I say I preffer traditional massage over shiatsu, my muscles were still in need of some rubbing, but I must admit, when I left the day was clearer, sky was blue, and as I gazed in the mirror of my car I looked into my eyes and I appeared two years younger, deep in my eyes I could feel the purity and innocence I once shared with myself. It was as if the sky represented what my own soul knew.
So my day continued, and onward to the shopping mall I went...
That day was today. I still feel physicly restored, but my soul yearns for peace and care. Maybe I will find someone that can do that for me. At least now I know where to enjoy a good massage.

I sometimes think that I should not br writing these kind of thoughts here.
These thoughts show the bad aspects of my life, they are not essencialy good, so it would do better for the world if these words never fell under public access.
But this is a Whirlpool of Thoughts, so the thoughts I feel like publishing should be posted here.
I know that sometimes I seem to be complaining about life, and mostly it may seem as if I were a child that didn't get ice cream after the dentist. I have seen many problems, not mine, others', but each person complains about things that are important to them, I know I disagree with the way others scale the importance of things, but when a friend said that that was her way of feeling I tried to help her from her point of view. Accepting and trying to understand differences is crucial.
I know that somethings that get to me and annoy me make no sense to others, but that should at least mean that I don't like to be made fun of regarding things that annoy me. I am clear minded enough to understand that jokes are jokes and I should not let them get to me, most of it I can't control, but what ends up to be really annoying is that people tend to try to annoy me for fun and kicks repeatedly even knowing that that bothers me, that I find to be lack of respect, something that saddens me coming from my friends, people I would never tackle this way, or any other for that matter.
Whenever I said I had no happiness in my life, I was usually said that I had no reason to be unhappy, I have a great family that treats me well, I have many friends, I have health and no troublesome condition(I would say asma, but it is not what they mean), I study in a great college, I do not starve, I live in a decent place. Well I do not contest that my life is not the worst possible, and I have things to be thankful for, but none of those, inside my life, actually means I have to be happy. But most importantly, mostly when people say those are things to make one happy, those things would make them happy, but even my friends having those things and much more, that varies from friend to friend, they still manage to be unhappy sometimes, so they have to have something so important in their lives that it overrides the happiness broght by these kind of stuff, so I suppose that their happiness is linked to the absence of this important thing, or better yet to the presence of something that gives them the happiness for which, family, friends, health, college, food and shelter, are not enough. When I say I have no happiness, I mean I lack something that gives me happiness, all things that are important enough to me are not, lets say, stable, so I have no happiness, something that makes you wake up with energy and disposition to face the everyday challenges, I have good moments that make my day happy(when they actually work) and make living something possible, but these things are fleeting, they end their effect, so it comes a time where the only certain things in my life, make me unhappy. The fact that I tend to have some pretty awfull days are a soo well known fact that I heard from a friend that I must be the most unlucky person in the world, because bad things do not usually concentrate this way.
So many times I thought that I found something that would make my life perfect for a long time, but eventually something happens to take away from me those things. The number of friendships that would die if I didn't call and work so constantly, the number of friends I lost because I just stoped "hi" at MSN, the number of friendships weakened because of distance or lack of time spent together, the number of friends that lost contact because of girlfriend/boyfriend, the number of heart breakes and lost loves.
My friends do not spend time with each other, I am that which connects most of my friends, and yet I have to learn many things about one friend, from another. I miss having a friend that comes to talk and share his/her life, I miss someone that comes to talk to you and will tell you things about their live, I miss having a friends that knows what to say to me, I miss having someone that really trusts me, I miss having someone that gets when I am sad and tries to help, I miss having someone that can sit by my side and make me feel like I will solve my problems and he/she is there to help.
Life could give me one reason to smile every day. It would suffice until my death.
I don't get my friends, they have the extraordinary ability to make me feel like crap most of the time, they rarely seem to care if I am happy, and those of you who have another opinion of this please find in your heart to forgive me and show me, because I am yet to see someone go out of their lives to try to make me happy. My friends promisse to call and do something and they never call, during normal days they say that they don't have time and during vacations we can get together and do something, during vacations they travel and say the will call when they get back so we can do something. I am still waiting for some calls.
Each friend is incredibly important to me, but I can't work on the friendships alone.
Yes I had the worst day of the year, which only had seven days, but it was a really crappy one, I feel very sad, I really want to cry, but things at this point seem so pointless that I feel unable to cry, I feel the pain and feel sad, but the tears that would calm the storm of my soul are dry.
This week promisses to get worse. I hope I am wrong.

New Year.
As the celebration of a time passage. The celebration of challenges passed, of battles fought and the hopes of a better time ahead.
Well, since I was little I knew that the next year would always hold more difficult challenges. I have beem saying "Last year was so much better than this one, I was happy and didn't appreciate it.", of course if you have a troubled time, when you feel at the botton of the pit you always think "Well it can't get worse.", so you wait for a better year and live shows its neverending ability to break the limits.
Of course some people have better years, I guess it all balances out in the end.
I just survived through 2005, I was not a matter of having a good year, it was about living to see 2006, not that I have any particular reason to want to see the future, at least not any other than to feed my hopes of living a happy life.
Even feeling like 2006 couldn't be worse, I know that it could be a lot worse.
This year I had to deal with more than my soul was ever prepared. The complicated relationship I hold with everyone, the friends trying to get closer, the pain of a blow that hit inside my defences, inside my body, and made my soul bleed as never before, the challenge of college and the trembling failure face my troubles, the distance of one of my greatest entertainements... the RPG, the face of many unhappy friends, the tears of my friends that torn my heart, the lonely time, the moments crying, the moments I was ignored, the pain if have caused, the shameful birthday, so many deceptions and the loss of love...
This year I have done some interesting things. I have survived a semester with 32 hours of class per week, I have finished many games, I have tried out in new RPG systems, I discovered some funny comics, and started to buy some others, got to know some new people better, I saw some of my friens go away, I discovered some interesting facts about some friens, I went with my friends two times to my aunts coutryhouse, I went along in Bohemias drinking circuit, I played an official Super Smash Bros Melee tournament(even if I lost), I started a project with my friends to make an RPG and a racing game(even if they seem a little discouraged at this time), I got closer to a dear friend of mine(even if we grew apart lately), I helped some friends, I tried to make some friends laugh(and come times succeeded) and I discovered a new level of love, one I didn't think could be possible and one I am proud to have felt.
I think I left 2005 stronger than ever, even if at this moment two thirds of my soul are "dead". I hope I can find the energy to put this new strengh to use.
I expect nothing from 2006, I just have a little bit of hope that life will take some time to make me happy, but it is just hope, I am preparing to face the new worst year of my life, I just hope to be overpreparing.
I will try and do better this year. I will try to gather some energy so I can try to make my friends life better, make them happier. I wish my friends have the best year of their lives, I hope everyone of them finds happiness. My special wishes of happiness for those special friends who deserve, those who make the lives of everyone near them better.
As for me, the battle goes on. I just hope to find the happiness in the caring arms of someone, someone that will keep me fighting, and will fight by my side.
May this year bring new battles and more challenges, may this year make me stronger, may it lead to happier times. May this year make your life perfect as you deserve it. May this year solidify our relationships.
Wishes of happy lives to everyone, and
"Save the cows, they roll low on fortitudes" ~ Thomas ~
"My sword to bring you happiness, your live to make me fight" ~ Maelstron, fallen ~
"Smile it makes everyone near you happy, trust me" ~ Maxim, fallen ~