Astral Hell
This term, I don't know if exists in english, refers to the period preceding one's birthday. Usually the 30 days before.
It is regarded as a bad period, where things tend to wrong, bad luck strikes all the time, and people just stay in a bad mood.
I know some people who believe in this. I myself have suffered from this bad period, but I see it a little differently.
While I did think that worse things happened around this time of year, as well as bad things happened more frequently, it was the part of me that had to question my worth, my meaning in this life that got me depressed every time.
The reasoning behind this was questioning why people were nicer to me this time of year, and only at this time of year. Could be just in my mind. It is after all a human made excuse to have a specific time to give the ones you hold dear a token of appreciation. It's just the time of year elected to do it, so it's embedded in our culture. That doesn't mean they care less the rest of the year. Or maybe it does.
My deepest wish, for the past birthdays, was that my friends would show me that they cared about me the whole year. No presents, no demands. Just "I like you", "You are important", "I miss you" and (more importantly) "I'd like to do something with you, let's go out" on random days through the year.
This has been my drama for, let's say, 15 years. I HATE THIS TIME OF THE YEAR.
I hate thinking that people are being nice out of a social obligation.
I hate to think that my friends don't know me enough to buy me an adequate present. But hey, most people can't do this effectively. And even if they could, I'm complicated. I have most things I want, if I want it and don't have it, is either because it's too expensive for me (and therefore something one wouldn't ask of a friend) or it is inaccessible to me (due to my country and laws and such). I'd much rather have the gift being a "favor" in making the thing I want accessible to me, and I'd be glad to pay for it. (Just like I did with a friend last year, who got her sister to bring me a game which I wanted so much, but couldn't import at a feasible price).
It was never about getting a physical object, it was about having a friend show you that they'd do something to make you happy. To be honest, I still wish it very simply: that my friends would simply play with me, give me some priority in life.
But I digress =P
And for the FIRST time in 15 years, ohhh it's been a long time, I'm happy (around my birthday).
This last few weeks have been the best in ages. So great that I feel I could win the lottery any moment. Or that the only way it could get better is if I did win the lottery.
Job offers, Diablo 3 beta key, fun games, fun times. Oh, and a girlfriend. Who until further notice I will hold responsible for my smiles.
You see, Astral Hell is about the time in which you question the values of your life. In which you gaze upon the reflection of yourself in the people around you. And the most common time to do this, is around your birthday when people are paying attention to you.
But whether you feel happy or sad, depends only on whether you care about what you see or not.
All the troubles I had a month a got, relationship issues, feeling insignificant to life, games that won't work for no reason. They don't matter anymore.
I have someone that makes me feel silly happy. Whose smile makes me feel happy. Whose kiss just can't be put in words.
Oh heavenly kiss.
I wish people will understand one day how I work regarding presents, how all I need to be happy is my friends by my side (wanting to be by my side)
But for now, I don't care, I just want to see her smile.
Thank you, for giving me this gift. For my 113th birthday.

Prepared
Oh how it hurts.
No matter how prepared you are.
You've heard it a thousand times.
You imagined how it would play out.
But you can't tell yourself how much it will hurt.
There will never be enough preparation.
I miss you.
I miss even the most stupid things, like the path to you.

Oh how cruel is life.
But there ain't no rest for the wicked.

Language, Culture and Disappointment
You know, I've always had mixed feeling about preserving culture.
Like, I'd like the world to speak only one language, to be easier to communicate around the world, but at the same time I think each country should have it's unique style.
In France there's been some controversy with the ban on Islamic Veils. For one I think it's one of the stupidest thing humans can do, banning choices of clothes. But I can respect the idea of keeping the population from adopting a norm that I naturally find stupid. I think if you go to another country to live there, the least you could do is to adapt to their culture. Which is my next point.
I've been to Miami and Orlando last week. The differences are incredible. Miami has been taken by latin people. 90% of the people I met spoke horrible english and were more fluent in spanish. While I have nothing against they migrating there, I think it's a disrespect that they don't even try to learn the language of the country they live in. I entered a KFC and everyone was speaking spanish, even the cashier spoke in spanish.
Orlando on the other hand, while being packed with tourists visiting Disney as I was, almost everyone spoke perfect english. I saw far less brazillians in there then in Miami, considering how the city is build around tourists, the proportion of foreigners to americans was impressively low.

It's weird how these things are... each country has an impressive and different culture, and I think everyone should be able to experience any culture they want. But living in a country should mean respecting their culture. And culture should never get in the way of communication, understandings and a more connected and evolved world.

Facing the Truth
6 years ago my life changed... drastically.
We look at our past, and remember events.
Since that day, so many things happened.
I've seen deep fears come true. I've seen the selfish side of humans.
I've seen how helpless I was, and in the process, how self absorbed I acted.
I know, when people are plunged into their worst nightmares, there's little they can do to act civil, and I see how poorly, despite my age, I reacted.
My actions had their ramifications, and consequences. I've lost important friends. I saw how fragile the bonds around me really were.
I learned how to turn despair into resolution, and took arms to fight for my own freedom. But I fought the wrong battle, I fought to free myself from the shackles of responsibility, instead, I should have fought for myself, for my humanity, for being a better person.
I've paid the price. With the road I choose, the power I used, there was a cost. As I knew, it was steep, but blinded I saw no other way.
I traveled. Far, close... to many places. I've seen beauties in my country that make me proud and humble to live in this planet. I've gone abroad, with friends, and for a slight moment, on my own.
I traveled with friends. And with family too. I've seen that different places, are not so different.
Neither are people.
I've had lots of fun. I had friends to keep my mind busy most of the time. I created stories, games, songs, adventures.
I've changed jobs a few times.
I moved to a new city. And met new and incredible people.
I was robbed... twice. But, despite the frustration and injustice. It is as insignificant as a grain of sand in the beach.
Countless movies.
I've got engaged in worlds that now I hold so dearly with me.
I've bought two videos game consoles.
I got to know a face of beauty and kindness. And even though, we are apart, she gave me a lot, and I am thankful and wish everyday for her happiness.
I've got to live some adventures.
Being at a distant view, I saw the changes in bonds around me. Bonds filling with tears. I saw unexpected bonds blooming incredibly.
I heard people telling to wait.
I heard people telling me to take action.
I learned that it's not about either one. MY life, is about reacting, doing the things needed when they are needed, and waiting when it's right.
I miss the life I had.
I miss what I was.
But it's not about what could have been, or what I should have done. It's about making my life the best it will allow me to achieve.
I won't forget that day. I think I can't. I'll take it with me to my grave, or to the crematory if anyone pays attention to my desires.
But six years latter, I realized something I've known for some time.
That day, that day of the year, contrary to the first few years, is no longer a part of my life.
Despite it being a reminder that I now don't even pay attention to, I does not affect me.
My life now is fully independent from that event.
Despite what I do feel now, despite the price I paid or the memories that will serve as lesson, I don't care about that particular event anymore.
My life has found a path with no intersections with that event.
Not that I'm celebrating of complaining.
It's about accepting.
It's about me fully understanding that my life has moved on. Full of troubles and sorrows. But glowing with friends and fun. Still with a lot of opportunities. I don't need to look to the doors that were closed, or the doors that opened. I just live in a knew situation, and I'm focused in dealing with it, and not the past that led me there.
We can't fight things stronger than us. But it is still our own story, and we can answer to the call of the wind, take the stage without questioning, and act the lead role of our lives.

The Consuming Power
For a while now I've been wanting to analyze the difference and main aspects of both Rage and Hatred. First we begin by the dictionary definitions.

Rage:
1. a : violent and uncontrolled anger b : a fit of violent wrath c archaic : insanity
Hate:

1 a : intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury.

Even though they seem to refer to almost the same emotion, even by looking at the definition we can see the nature of both is different.

Rage, often associated with fire, is as said, uncontrolled. Rage comes as a severe reaction to an event. Rage usually bypasses all rational judgment, fueling one's desire to action. It makes them act violently, being straightforward and trying to solve the problem instantly. The downside, is that when ignoring all rational thoughts, one is very prone to make some mistake, or take an action they might regret. It can be seen as something that consumes the body, empowering it, while rendering one's mind disabled. It make your body more ready to take action, ignoring fear or personal safety. Any animal trying to protect their young from predators, is showing anger.
Hatred works very differently. Hatred is not something one suddenly feels, it does not lead to immediate action and it does not cloud someone's judgment. Hatred is a byproduct of other emotions, if one can't properly process one's emotions, they might end up turning into hate. Being mistreated, abused or psychologically wounded may lead to hatred. Hatred has a point, it's own agenda, and it leaves one's mind free to calculate, think and plan how to complete this agenda, with least personal damage. Hate does not prepare the body to do anything, it occupies the mind to think, but the mind is left intact, but there is one problem with hate. Hate consumes the soul. It changes people's attitudes, the way they see the world. It kills innocence. It may not lead to action, but those willing to take action, are likely to do something drastic.
None of these are good to feel. While anger may lead to a solution to an immediate problem, it does not last, it leaves no scars, but the occasional regret of some action taken. Hatred on the other hand may seem like a way to end pain and other negative emotions, but is a one way road, it consumes and changes.

Gratitude
Recently, I'm going through some changes in life. Some experiences happened in my life, and with some of them, I've got to realize some of my dreams... those minor ones... those inner desires and curiosities that you want, not the life project ones.
Everyone has dreams like these, and most people accomplish some of those, maybe all. But most of the time, they do so with the "help" or participation of another person.
What I've been wondering is how to properly thank these people for what they've done for you, even if it was mutually beneficial, or wasn't specifically a favor for you. But these people represent an important part of your life, so they deserve both recognition and appreciation. But I don't know how to do it.
Would it suffice to go straight to them and just say it? Would it be embarrassing depending on the dream? Would they be happy with more than just words? It it even necessary?
I feel like going to them and saying it.
But new dreams keep on appearing and being fulfilled, so I want to tell the new people, but somehow I want to tell everyone at the same time.
I could keep a track of it.
I would like to give some gifts... but then they might feel diminished regarding the event.
It's a weird concept. But still...
In the end, for now, the best I can do is this.
To all of you who gave me a dream, something to say that I did before I die, thank you... you made a child smile more ^^