Natal.
Época para ser feliz e gentil.
Eu então agreço aqui a todas as pessoas que me ajudaram, que me fizeram sorrir, que me fizeram compania, que tiveram a paciência de conversar e me ouvir.
Graças a uns bons momentos nesse fim de ano, eu estou tendo um natal mais feliz do que esperado. Ao menos estou em paz, meu coração mais calmo e sinto esperança dentro de mim.
Desejo a todo mundo um Feliz Natal, muitas alegrias nessa época.
E felicidades extras para aqueles que a merecem.
Sejam todos muito felizes.

Sítio.
Acabo de passar alguns dias no sítio da minha tia, junto dos meus amigos da faculdade. Fizemos churrasco, jogamos futebol, fizemos macarrão, nadamos na piscina, brincamos na hidromassagem, usamos a sauna, pulamos na cama elástica, tiramos muitas fotos, jogamos cartas e falamos de muita merda.
Foi um tempo divertido, bom pra mudar de ambiente, bom pra conhecer melhor as pessoas lá.
Tive alguns momentos tristes, tentei enfrentar alguns medos, passei um bom tempo sozinho... ri bastante.
Pra mim... foi pouco diferente do dia a dia, mas fico feliz pois parece que todos se divertiram muito.
Tive uma volta um pouco mais feliz. Passei a noite no shopping, fazendo compras e conversando. Falei algumas coisas que meu coração queria gritar faz tempo. Confessei alguns segredos, revelei histórias do meu passado, ensinei coisas bizarras e me diverti muito. Apesar das discussões e de algumas palavras tristes, eu estou mais contente, em paz, eu precisava de um pouco de compania e o tempo que eu fiquei acompanhado me deu uma paz de espírito muito bem vinda.
Saber quando sua presença é necessária.
Saber ouvir quando o coração está a falar.
Saber perguntar quando se tem uma dúvida.
Saber brincar pra manter a amizade.
Lembrar o quão especial você é.
Lembrar que a sua presença traz felicidade para os outros.
Lembrar que a sua amizade é importante.
Lembrar que suas doces palavras trazem paz.
Obrigado pela compania.

Amigas!
É interessante analizar a minha relação com as minhas amigas.
Eu tenho uma afinidade natural por mulheres, me entendo melhor com elas em geral.
Fatos sobre isso são estranhos no entanto.
Eu tive amigas emocionais, racionais, extremistas, egoístas, gentis, analíticas, críticas, mente abertas, místicas, sumidas e eventuais companheiras.
Eu tentei estar por perto quando minhas amigas precisaram, dar apoio nos momentos de tristeza. Vi muita menina sofrer de amor. Vi garotas desistirem da vida e mandar tudo se foder. Vi mulheres desistirem das outras pessoas, e desconfiarem da própria sombra. Vi gente dizer na minha cara que eu era infeliz porque queria, e tempos depois ver essas pessoas sofrendo pois o mundo não é perfeito. Vi gente dizer que me ama, e fiquei três meses sem ver ela. Vi amigas sofrerem por minha causa, e me arrependo dos meus atos. Vi relatos de sofrimentos passados, quando falhei miseravelmente em estar por perto pra dar apoio. Vi desculpas pra não sair comigo, mas vi que quando querem sair nenhuma desculpa as para em casa. Vi muito convite meu recusado, mas vi poucos convites sendo feitos.
Estive lá(a maioria das vezes) quando fui chamado. Perdi horas tentando fazer outros se sentirem bem. Aprendi a engolir dor, pra poder sorrir quando elas tiverem felizes. Conheci o lado negro das amizades. Esqueci que minhas amigas me querem bem. Esqueci oque é ter compania no meio da solidão. Conheci o preconceito alheio. Aprendi que confiança se destrói fácil. Perdi muita esperança ao longo da vida. Estive sozinho, nos meus momentos mais tristes.
Sei que já incomodei uma margem grande de pessoas contando dos meus infortúnios na vida. Mas vi também que quando eu precisei, mesmo ligando pra muita gente, todos tem coisas mais importantes da vida do que dar trela pra alguém carente.
Notei que quando minhas amigas não estão namorando, elas conversam comigo mais regularmente, me fazem mais compania e são bem mais sociáveis. Mas quando começam a namorar, quase sem exceção, passam a ocupar seu tempo com namorado, familia e escola/trabalho, passando a ter tão menos tempo que quando arrumam tempo pra sair com os/as amigos/as geralmente juntam vários amigos de uma vez, pra poder dizer que saíram com todos os amigos, e ao mesmo tempo deixarem o maior tempo possível para os namorados.
Eu entendo, ao menos digo que entendo, que namorados querem passar tempo juntos, o máximo possível, mas os namorados das minhas amigas têm uma tendência de reclamar quando elas saem, pois têm ciúmes, ou acham que elas não devem ficar perdendo tempo com os amigos.
Eu acho isso uma tremenda pena, já que minhas amigas todas são bonitas e em geral estão namorando, e quem fica com saudades delas sou eu.
Minhas amigas são importantes pra mim, mas eu cansei de ser largado por elas, pois os namorados delas são as únicas coisas que importam. Minhas amigas de infância todas se foram pra longe, ou passam tanto tempo fazendo outras coisas que eu quase nunca vejo elas. Eu esperava ter um compania pro meu dia a dia. Alguém que fizesse parte da minha realidade e compartilha-se sonhos comigo. Mas cada vez mais isso soa impossível.
Aparentemente eu sou uma ótima pessoa pra melhorar o ânimo, levantar o espírito e massagear o ego um pouco. Mas quando se fala de compania eu fico largado.
Não tenho quem compartilhe comigo as coisas que eu gosto.
Nem ao menos alguém que deixe eu escolher um filme de vez em quando, e sai comigo só pela compania de estar comigo.
Mesmo triste, quando com uma amiga eu procuro se legal, gentil, engraçado e animar o espírito de todo mundo. Não garanto sucesso. Mas se num grupo grande ninguém se da ao trabalho de me dar atenção, eu fico triste mesmo, e em geral o grupo se afasta de mim...
Quantas pessoas no mundo estão dispostas a enfrentar um pouco de tristeza pra fazer outra pessoa feliz? Pelo jeito é mais fácil se afastar de quem está triste, especialmente quando você tem um namorado que te faz feliz. Achei que as meninas seriam diferentes.
Eu amo minhas amigas, mas a vida seria muito melhor se elas me fizessem compania.

Paranoia.

Would someone close to you lie? I say lie in a matter of a really big lie, for no necessary reason? Just so... no it couldn't be true... could it?
No...no, no, no... it would be a needlessly unstable lie, it would eventually fall apart, and it would be for no reason.
I prefer to believe it is just paranoia I feel some friendships of mine already falling apart, if it were a lie, I would probably lose two friends...
I already feel lonely enough. I hope nothing takes my friends away from me, at least not any farther. But I really wish they would show me that they still want to be friends with me. It would restore some of the hope I lost... it would give me reason to fight another year...

Smiles.

One of those moments. One people normally don't forget. An effort to make someone happy.
Gathering most of her friends, to surprise her. A simple gesture to say how special she is, and how many people like her.
It was nice to see her smiling like that. She was smiling, like that was one of the best things that ever happened to her.
One of the few conforting things in my life, is to see these moments.
She really deserves to be trully happy.

Envy.

This year I started to envy other people. Because they are living the dreams I wanted to be living.
I want them to be happy, but I can't avoid feeling sad, because they got what I wished for, and I still got nothing resembling my dreams.


Opening my heart to my friends, letting them reach it.
People say you shouldn't surroung you heart with barriers.
But mine is deeply wounded, my friends... they...
I miss them...
I have been so alone.

These battles, more hard than any soul.
These cries, full of pain.
This life, on road all alone.
Time has passed by, and the past was happy.
The present... to the future... not even hope.
So much warnings, so many signs.
Sometimes being alone is good.
Sometimes talking relieves.
Sometimes a fight can make you stronger.
Not anymore. Not even a little.
*Slash* a body falls.
*Woosh* a soul vanishes.
*...* a soundless voice dies.
so... only silence.

I am so tired... I want it all to end...
I've seem for maybe the 666th time that which I would love to happen to me. This situation that only happens in movies and cartoons, that does not happen in real life.
Good people do not usualy live happily, they usually suffer. Most of the nicest people I know suffer more than those who do not care.
Each time I see these situations, I feel happy, because I imagine I can have one relationship like those in the near future. But life has taken it's toll, and now I feel happy, but I feel also sad, because I feel each time farther from what I wished to have.
Maybe I should stop trying, it never works anyway, it would at least spare me some delusions.
What?!!! I don't want to quit! It is the only thing that I find worth fighting for, without that... without that...
But I am tired, this battle should not be fought alone, life should not be this way. But I guess it all balances in the end, universe must mantain equilibrium, for someone to be happy, someone has to be sad. I think I rather be sad and see that my friends are happy.
You know, I won't be able to carry this out for much longer, I need to smile, feel happy, I can't create energy from nowhere, I need a source...
If you do not cry when you want, you can never smile.
I want to cry... how can 5 bad things happen I row like this... and it has been some time since I last saw any good thing, how is this equilibrium?
As you said. Think that because bad things happen to you, they don't happen to others.
I just... I didn't ask for much... I wanted a simple life... I wanted a reason to be happy... is... is that asking too much?
Maybe it is, maybe it's not. Most probably you just have a severe case of bad luck.
I want to rest in peace... I want to... to calm my mind, give my soul peace, have a reason to smile...I am too tired for this.
We should rest. There are still fights to be fought this year. After that you can... you know...
Yeah... Selan... Let me sleep for a while next to you.

The Pain of Loss
In several places, movies, cartoons and tv shows, we are presented with the situation where people only know how important someone is after this someone dies.
I wonder if it is true. I thought I lost someone, and only then I realized how important she was to me, since then I tried to give each person their rightful value.
I don't see this recognition very often. I wonder how many people would need to lose a dear friend or relative to learn the importance of every person near them.
People seem only to understand importance through pain.
Ok I am being a tad extreme here.
But it happens that happy people usually tend to think only of the thing making them happy and end up forgetting that there are other important things in life.
I have seen many losses, not mine, that made me very sad, to see someone so important to another, and to see them go apart.
I wonder what losses would make me sad.
I wonder if others would get sad losing someone close to them.
I wonder if I will ever find someone I don't miss. Someone I was certain I would never lose. Someone that would hate to lose me.
Well in the mean time I would just like to have a safe company, someone that will be there for me.

Outer-self Knowledge
I have heard many times that people should develop a greater self-knowledge. I have come to think that most people who have some self-knowledge, do lack some knowledge or interest about the lives revolving around them. Most who have no self-knowledge know nothing, or have no interest about others lives.
People tend to look deeply into their own lives, and as far as it concerns them, as long as they are happy, nothing else matters. I think this should be right, but I cannot agree with this, as some people depend on others to be happy.
I think seeking knowledge was one of my worst choices in life. I have learned many things in life, enough to learn about others just by observing. I became interested in other lives, more interested than in mine, but I wanted to incorporate those to my life, as I wished my life would become part of those other lives, and this wish would prove to be a deception as very few people have any interest in others lives.
I must admit, maybe I have less knowledge about others than I think. But at least I have the interest to know people surrounding my life.
I also admit I find interesting to see how very few people go off their wishes and ways to make others smile... and you either stand by their side, or you stand alone.
Makes my deeper soul very sad, to think this might be true, as I long to find someone who would stand by my side to fight against the problems in life.
I know that when you are happy you would not like to be near someone sad, as it would probably bring you down, but I tought that when you were sad, your friends would try to make you happy. But when no one will stand near you when you are sad, and you have to force happiness so you won't have to stand alone, that is a really depressing.
Tonight my prayers go to those who walk alone, stand alone, fight alone and die alone. I wish you all find someone pleasant that will live by you sides.
I know how hard it is to go home alone every night, fight your fights alone. No one should have to pass through this.
Get to know your friends, your interest, affection, company and/or dedication can make a live much happier.

Pois frente ao fim do semestre, ando obrigado a extrair forças do universo para poder continuar...
Vai lá Goku, Genki-dama não é só sua não...^^
Encontrei no meu aniversário um momento de paz e tranquilidade, um momento sem pensar nas outras pessoas e na vida, um momento sem esperar nada do mundo, só esperava ter um dia de sol, e Hecata me deu o apoio nessa área, valeu por todo o apoio nessas horas. Paz que eu tivesse encontrado, não me é satisfatória, afinal eu não quero ficar sozinho, quero andar com pessoas que gostem de mim, mas paz e calma sempre funciona melhor doque decepção.
Fugir da vida é impossível, assim como eu não podia escapar todas as decepções atreladas ao meu aniversário, ao menos devo dizer que é interessante passar um aniversário sem ouvir ninguém cantar parabéns pra mim.
Agora volto a minha rotina e todos meus problemas, tenho trabalhos a fazer, matérias a estudar, provas a enfrentar, e continuo sem apoio quando coisas ruins acontecem.
Eu me pergunto se um dia vou encontrar alguém que tenha bondade no coração pra ser gentil de vez em quando.
Agradeço as amigas que sempre me foram meigas e gentis, sinto saudades da presença de vocês, a vida é difícil quando ninguém ao seu redor se preocupa em ser gentil com você.
Mas agora está chegando no fim, faltam poucos desafios, e finalmente poderei ter um descanço. Sei que serão férias conturbadas, muitas coisas a estudar, não sei ainda se vou ver minhas amigas. Aguardo a volta do Adilson pra poder continuar o RPG. Terei curso de verão, devo ainda me preparar pra muitas coisas.
Semestre que vem devo lidar com a separação da turma, que agora seguirá cada um por suas escolhas na faculdade, onde provavelmente eu lutarei sozinho em muitas coisas.
Duvido que ano que vem seja melhor. Teremos provavelmente menos tempo sobrando, oque significa que de acordo com a lei de distribuição por prioridades, eu devo ver menos os meus amigos, muito triste isso.
Enfrento ainda os dilemas de lidar com uma turma onde minha opinião sempre cai solitária, a intolerância das pessoas e a falha em entender um ponto de vista alheio.
Não gosto das minhas espectativas futuras, e não faço ideia doque fazer pra mudar isso. Quero muito achar alguém que goste de mim e me de um pouco de apoio, seja nas discussões, seja moralmente, seja espiritualmente ou seja apenas pra me fazer compania quando eu ficar sozinho.
Estou seguindo em frente, não sei sobre que bases, muito menos com que forças, mas espero ser capaz de lidar com o futuro, ao menos meu espiríto encontra um pouco de paz na sempre eterna e gloriosa musica do "Suscreen".
"Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t. "
Maybe there is still time so I can find a reason to enjoy life.

Today is my birthday.
So I am running away.
Not that I have any reason to do this.
It has been several years since my last happy birthday. I remember my mom going out to buy tons of my favorite food, while all my friends were with me at home, swimming in the pool, playing my new games, laughing at life with no problems.
Life has become too complicated. It is not just having a fun day with everyone I like, many people I like a lot, wouldn't be with me on this day. I still don't know what I want to happen so I can have a nice day.
This day is supposed to be the one day of the year where people should be nice to me, give me things I want and try to make me happy. From what I have seen, no one knows what that means, what I want or how to make me happy. I honestly don't want to see anyone failing, on the only day they try, to make me happy.
(I hope no one takes me wrong here, I know the things you all have done for me this year, without some support and some days I might not have made it upp to this day. I thank you all for the many things you've done for me. I am sorry for all the bad things I did to you. But I must say I grew tired from all the discussions, I am tired to be always wrong, always the bad guy, my words being twisted so I will look bad, my opinions ignored, my preferences disrespected, people making constant fun of me, being alone when I want company, fighting my fights alone.)
I don't know what to ask of anyone, and I don't want to make anyone sad, specially me. So as soon as I finish this I will go away for the day. Try to find the peace I lost. Try to find a place where my soul can rest, rest where no one knows my name and I only will expect to enjoy the place until midnight.
I still believe that I do not belong to this planet. But I am trying to make people happier. As of many times I seemed to fail at this, yesterday someone told me how important I was to her. Opposite to what I would expect, I didn't get emotional, but somehow a strange wave of peace and happiness flowed through me, and I felt reenergized.
I know I am important to many people.
Some times it seems I have a low position on their priority list.
I miss having someone to fight by my side.
I miss being trusted.
I miss making people laugh.
I want to make each person feel as good as they make me feel.
As of this day, I want to smile, be happy and in peace. And I wish that everyone has a happy life.
Joyce, your sweetness has been soothing.
Elisa, your concern has been moving.
Thiago, your loyalty haas been energizing.
Adilson, your wit has been invigorating.
Guilherme, your peaccce has been contagious.
Bruno, your stile was inspiring.
Anderson, your devotion was awesome.
Leticia, your smile has been strengthening.
Rebeca, your care has been sweetening.
Andrea, your company was restorative.
Miriam, your perception was gentle.
João, your interest has been calming.
Gustavo, your knowledge has been intriguing.
Otranto, your spontaneously has been pleasurable.
Renato, your support has been appreciated.
Flavia, your presence has been undescribable.
To every other friend I have, thank you for all the talks, for all the new experiences, for every happy moment and for being my friends.
Good-bye, I am off to my search, be back on sunday.

Peace and Burden
So life has given me many opportunities, from my point of view I have screwed most of them.
So many things, so many pains, so many relationships.
My burden has become more than I can carry, so I dump part of it on others. I ask myself why should others bear with me this which is my choice to carry.
I am sorry for things I bring upon those around me, I never wanted to be such a hassle specially to those whom I really like.
My life has been lately nothing more than trying to find some peace. This has turned to be an unfruitful venture, as my life brings me constant worries.
But now I scream loud and clear...
I really want to rest, lay down and find some peace. The peace I once found in friends arms, now rests in the past. So I find myself lost, not knowing where to find such place.
So many things I would like to hear, so many things I wish I never said, so many things I would have done differently, so many futures I don't want to see, and among so many things, not a single light shines in my life.
Oh friends, that time to time bring me a shed of hope, your happiness is the only true reason for me to be here. I bless you all for the time and effort spent with me, I hope I can someday return the good moments, with twice as much happiness for you.
But my soul still wanders, in the lonely dark light of the night, in search for a time and place where it can sit and rest. Go away from the demands of life, and find the peace I only thought I could have near Selina.
Tears to those who fought and fell.
Tears to all my regrets in life.
Tears to pains I have caused.
Tears to the peace I've lost.

Human?
I am starting to think I am not human... it is just not feasible to exist such a prime difference between me and humans.
I always had evil toughts, just like anyone else I think, but opposed to what I hoped for, I seem to be one of the few rare people that fight against these toughts. Not that I can get rid of them, just that I wish they never happen and usualy feel bad when they do. It just deeply hurts my hopes to see that people actually enjoy seeing others misery, even if it is on an fictional world.
I do believe that my friends are good people, I think the best of them, but sometimes(like now) I fear that I know no one(or maybe one or two) that is really good, most seem selfinvolved, selfish or just sadistic.
So what, I am bitching about human kind here, just because I have had a few bad days. Not that it gives me the right to bitch around, but the problem resulting from this is that I am losing faith in human kind... in peace... in love... and sadly, in friendship.
I just never have been so much time away from people that were actually caring. I really miss having someone to talk about life, someone that would really give me hope, hope in humans, and in firends. I see so many people online, and only a few talk to me, but they rarely give me any support. I just wish someone would take me away from the crowd and make me smile again.
I gather hope from every funny chat, from every little thing I can, but at some point, hope will become really hard to find on my own.

Well I know that life has its up and downs.
So most of the time I try to think that no matter how down things may seem, there will always be an up waiting in the future.
This sometimes may turn to be very disapointing, but mostly it keeps you going.
Today I just don't seem to be able to comfort myself with the excuse of an temporary state, that will soon pass, bringing happy and unexpected future.
I really miss some parts of mi life.
I miss talking to my friends, loosing hours in knowing new things about friends.
Hehehehe, I some times have the impression that only one, or two friends come to talk with me, specially at MSN.
I miss having long talks, long chats, being part of other peoples lives.
I see many people conected, most of them I don't try to talk with anymore, the others come in silence and leave in silence.
So I gets late, and I go to bed, and many have left before me, without even saying "Hi!", to those who are still there, I wish a good night, in silence, because I am tired of going after everyone.
Good night to everyone.
I hope the silence in my life will fade away in time.

Today, a friend of mine said to me:
"Aahhhh, so you are a nice guy!"
This comes only to reflect my thoughts that most people have the wrong idea of me.
Not that I am not nice guy, I think I am, and I like being nice, it is one thing that seems true to my soul.
People misjudge easily others. I know I cooperate, but I feel that some people have little respect for me.
So I am a nice guy because I don't take joy and laughter in others suffering?! I never did, and probably never will, get the joy taken from your friends misery. Hehehe don't get me wrong, I know that the people I know aren't bad like that, no one really enjoys seeing their friends suffering. I just sometimes don't get what they get in laughing and saying that you are fucked, when you know that. In my opinion I don't like when something bad happens to me and someone laughs in my face because of it. ^^
I have heard so many times that I was a nice person, but I still don't know if that is a good or a bad thing. Nice usually suffers more, people tend to like bad boys better ^^.
So back to the point... I know I am a really complex person, and it is not easy to understand me(even I have trouble with that ^^), but people neglect to see the things at the surface, people look half way deep, never too deep, never too shallow, so they miss the thing screaming at their faces. I may be complex but my wishes are clear, my soul is true, but even so, few(if any) know what I want. It is something that cannot be given, or taken, it is something that must be shared, something that everyone has, and even if you spare all you think you have, you will still have more. See I am complex, but if you paid attention to what I said, what I have been saying for a long time, you should know, because I have been asking this since I was 18 years old(and that was long long time ago ^^).
I wonder if she would understand me... I think yes.
I wish I had more time.
~ May the sands of time heal it all, or take us to oblivion! ~

This weekend I went to a night club.
Strangely I was smiling all the time, I just could't avoid it.
It was a nice place, some great musics, and some very very beautiful girls.
My friends there wanted to get someone to me, but that was more of a bluff, or they were just involved in other things and forgot all about it. Better that way I think.
I danced all night, flerted a little, got really exausted, which is what I wanted.
But as the night went on, and a new day came I reallized something...
I may like to go to places like that, and I may like to flert, and I would like to kiss someone there, but there is one downside...
I find a need inside me, I need someone more calm... with things in commom with me.
I know nothing about people in night clubs, but those who go, usually have an agitated life.
I now feel somewhat sad. I miss those who have things in commom with me. I miss playing video game with my friends, I miss talking to some friends about life, I miss having company to study, I miss playing RPG, I miss people coming to me at MSN to talk about wierd stuff, but I think I miss most spending time with someone caring.
A friend of mine said that the world has led us to believe that we have to work/study so we can have money to afford having free time to have fun. Even if I believe that is an overanalisis I still agree with him in some part. I feel the lack of time in other people lives.
Sometimes I wish I could live in a place where people have time to spend with other people, maybe one day, when Other Worlds(see http://www.renatomacae.blogspot.com/) is functional, maybe then I can find such place.
For now I live according to what life dictates, just hoping that one day someone will go out from their lives and make my day happier ^^.
The problem about searching for people to have in your life, at least my problem, is that I have found some really special people, some that I wish would remain with me for the rest of my life, and I believe I have all that I want near to me, but because of the lack of time, interest or just pure lack of luck, this things so close to me are so far from my reach.
I wonder if there is someone really perfect out there for me to meet, or if I already met that someone. Either way I love my friends, all of you, each for your special traits I hope you all live happily ever after ^^

Fui pro sítio da minha tia esse fim de semana.
Foi bem legal, teve churrasco, piscina, sauna, jacuzzi e até cama elástica.
Pena que o sol sumiu, mas mesmo assim deu pra aproveitar.
Fica só um pouco triste de nãop ver os sorrisos usuais em seu esplendor completo. Vejo todos se divertindo, falando besteiras, discutindo até de noite nas mais altas análises filosóficas. Gosto disso tudo, mas sinto falta de parar no topo do sítio, no meio do terreno, longe de todos, com alguém pra conversar besteiras, falar coisas um pouco mais pessoais.
Me pergunto as vezes se seria muita perda de tempo conversar a dois. Esse pra mim sempre foi o melhor jeito de se conhecer uma pessoa, criando confiança, assim coisas mais pessoais podem ser reveladas.
Me preocupa um pouco o fato de se criar confiança. Isso é difícil, e quase sempre muito frágil. Algumas confiança, de algumas pessoas são muito importantes, e não quero eventualmente descobrir que certas pessoas não confiam em mim.
Depois de algumas coisas que eu fiz eu imaginaria que algumas pessoas não confiam em mim, mas o grande problema é que eu não sei como criar confiança entre nas minhas amizades. Espero um dia ver a confiança em seu esplendor, vigorar nas minhas amizades... até lá eu gostaria de aprender como aumentar a confiança dos outros.
O sítio foi muito legal, espero poder fazer denovo num tempo próximo... e espero ver todos sorrindo, como só eu sei que eles são capazes.

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 17 ~
"...and as the silence entered the tenth minute I just had to get out of there.
- I am going to scout ahead, be right back.
- Wait, I am going with you, this place is dangerous. - said Cid speeding up.
Then we hasted in front of the group, with quick long jumps, until we were out of hearing range, and sight for that matter. Then I asked.
- Why the silence? I don't get it, did I do something wrong?
- Well... kind of. Don't you know what it is? It's like screaming in your face!
- What do you mean?
- You really have no clue about this. What happened is that you were unfair with her. You spend so much energy trying to help everyone that you don't see that you are not the only one making an effort. You expect everyone to do their best, but sometimes you fail to see that they are doing their best, sometimes even more. Maybe because you know most things before they happen, or because you mostly know what every one is feeling, maybe the things we do, like what she did, may seem expected, but you forget that she was trying her best, and not only was she doing so, but she was doing it because she loves you. She is trying her best to make you happy, so you won't have to suffer any more than you already have, but she can't do miracles, and everytime you push your own limites you tend to expect more from us, and I find it a little unfair with her. The thing you don't realize is the same thing you think we don't realize.
That was a clear vision of the picture, one I hate to admit, but nonetheless true. I was going to say something, not to defend myself, but to clarify somethings, but my attention was caught by..."
~ End of Part 17 ~

Saudades do passado,
dos tempos antigos,
de bardos amigos,
e javali assado.

Saudosos estes cantos
que eu nunca ouvi
desta epoca de santos
onde eu não vivi.

Compaixão pelas ruas
nas amizades eternas
as noites eram suas,
a conhecer as tavernas.

Quando necessário
a ajuda era certa,
fosse o templário,
ou a mada esperta.

Diziam de seus medos
aqueles que eram poucos
contava-se nos dedos
menos dos que eram loucos.

Se na vida de aventura
lhe faltasse felicidade
descobriria na amizade
uma estranha ternura.

Pra se viajar sem rumo
conhecer novos lugares
cada dia levado sem prumo
pela compania sobre mares.

Minha alma aqui transcende,
onde meu carinho reside,
onde ninguém me preside,
onde existe quem me entende.

Onde partilho de alegrias
participo de outras vidas
sem tristes despedidas
acompanhado nas noites frias.

Onde partilho as tristezas
no carinho de outros braços
fortalecendo antigos laços
com amizades como certezas.

Diferente de onde vivo
onde essa vida sedentária
representa um papel ativo
nas noites solitárias.

Espero um dia aqui achar
um bardo a me acompanhar
alguem sempre do meu lado
este sim seria um achado.

Algo vindo do meu passado ^^ :

"Num dia tempos atras,
conheci uma garota
bonita e marota,
legal e muito sagaz.

Ela era muito calma,
talvez até demais.
Sem avisar minha alma,
de seus talentos especiais.

Mas conforme convivemos,
me inebriei em sua beleza,
e quanto mais nos conhecemos
mais eu tinha certeza.

Mais e Mais eu pensava nela,
e numa noite ao relento,
que mesmo sem lua era bela.

Pois sua presença me encantava,
e após tanto tempo,
meu coração de amor gritava.

Por ela fui buscar,
na terra e no mar,
um ser magico e encantado.
Um unicórnio, talvez alado.

Procurei em fotos,
nos lugares altos,
também nos pontos baixos,
sendo fêmeas, sendo machos.

Isso que eu sinto,
é forte e verdadeiro.
Não escondo e não minto,
me faz tremer inteiro.

Tanta sorte, eu penso,
pelo dia que te conheci,
que cultivou amor intenso.

Que hoje eu declamo,
o que eu sinto por ti,
que eu realmente te amo."

Tempos bons...que o tempo não trará devolta.

Vor sechs Monaten, mein Leben drastisch geändert. Meine Willensenergie wurde über seinen Begrenzungen hinaus geprüft. Jetzt glaube ich, daß ich, ich überlebte sehr harte Herausforderungen stärker wurde. Ich bedauere, ein besserer Freund sein nur nicht zu können.
Ich bete, daß die, die verdienen, ein glückliches Leben leben. Ich hoffe einen Tag, den ich weniger Schmerz und mehr Freude verursache. Verzeihen Sie mir, denn meine Sünde sollte jemand lieben. Und für diese Liebe, wünsche ich Sie glücklich.
Mai holt die Zukunft Leute zusammen mit ihrer zutreffenden Liebe, also hat jeder Frieden. Glückwünsche auf diesen sechs Monaten, hoffe ich, daß ich nicht eine große Belastung für niemand war.
~ Thomas, Sonne von Hecata ~

Hypocrisy
I know I like to argue, discuss about life, the universe, and everything.
I think that disagreeing with others may cause evolution, the exchange of knowledge, the learning new points of view. Of course one would have to be willing to learn for this to work.
After many exchanges in my life, I find most thoughts to be unsuprising. I may not ever agree with others point of view, (ok most of the time I don't agree), but at least I know when someone is glad with what they believe, so I respect their opinion, for it might be right, or for all that counts, right for them, even if wrong for me. There is little point to disturbing a system that is in peace, as long as that system doesn't conflict with mine, leave it to be happy.
So I may believe unnecessary to learn more points of view, at least not at this momment, it is not something fulfilling for me, and most importantly I feel complete with all the knowledge of my life, now I must go for something more important than perspectives.
I makes me feel strange, the fact that what I wish for, is completely different than what I pray for every night.
I feel a hypocrist with this. Praying for something that isn't really what I want. Not that I don't want my prayers to come true, I want them to come true, but I know that if they did, they wouldn't satisfy me, not enough, so would find something new to pray for.
I can't pray for my wish. Not because it is nearly impossible, or because it would umbalance the world, (not that there is anyone concerned for the balance of the world), I won't pray for it because I would feel less human, it would be less according to my code of honor, because I don't want to admit such level of selfishness.
I hope one day to wish for something more like my prayers.

A fantastic definiton...
I read this passage recently and I found it perfect, not by an elaborate description, but by the simplicity of the most perfectly wierd situation describable!
"It's the wild color scheme that freaks me," said Zaphod whose love affair with this ship had lasted almost three minutes into the flight. "Every time you try to operate one of these wierd black controls that are labeled in black on a black background, a little black light lights up black to let you know you've done it. What is this? Some kind of galatic hyperhearse?"
~ The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, Douglas Adams" ~

Bonds
I was thinking... I was dreaming... I was wondering...
I was trying to understand a part missing in me. Something that was fading as time passed.
Then as I was discussing with a friend when he said to me that it was somehow sad that he didn't know very well his own friends, the ones he spends most of his time with.
It got me thinking, his words. I say my friends are the most important people in my life, but it is wierd that I didn't know a friend of mine was going through an operation, I didn't know my friend's sister almost died, I don't know where one of my friends is or that I haven't heard any new from one of my dearest friends for the last month.
So what is wrong? Did I stop, at some point, trying to know people? Or is it just getting harder to know people? Maybe both... but either way, I have to say I do not like this situation...
I love to sit down with someone, on a peaceful place, and talk away. I know I have some trouble coming up with subjects to talk about, but that is something to be thought at the moment of the talk.
I fear people are having less time to spend with friends, so they don't spend time alone with a friend, instead they try to spend "friend time" with all friends, resulting on what my friend said.
I would really love if I could go out with one friend at a time for a change, but that only happens when it comes to having to do work in pairs. I hope I can change the situation, and enjoy long talks about life with my friends, I would like to know what is going on, if there is any trouble I can help with, if there is something we could do together to have fun.
Efectively, I would just like to create bonds to my friends.
"Friends come and go, but with the precious few you should hold on."
~ Baz Luhrmann - Sunscreen ~

Pensamentos...
Depois de um longo dia, entre cenas estranhas, filmes gostosos, filmes tristes, conquistas pessoais, confissões desmedidas, silêncio, lágrimas, músicas, risadas, animações, testes, estudos, lembranças e muitos pensamentos, eu termino o dia pensando tantas coisas que eu quero mais é dormir. Penso em como as pessoas agem.
Aqui eu vou apenas ficar com uma referência, que no meio da confusão da minha mente poucas idéias fazem algum sentido, porém esses sentimentos representam uma parte de mim ainda imutável.
Uma parte daquilo que eu sinto está representado numa música, que não só por seu significado lírico, mas também por eventos de minha, ela representa algo especial.
Essa música, cujo nome eu não revelarei, tem em seu começo um pequeno comentário:
"Não alimente os sibers"
Imagino que algumas pessoas até saibam de que música se trata. Ela me fez compania em muitas noites regadas a sentimentos. Pra mim ele representa muita coisa doque eu estou sentindo.

Eu pretendia escrever uma coisa diferente aqui hoje.
No meio de todas as minhas lágrimas, eu resolvo mudar isso.
Eu queria prestar duas homenagens aqui.
A primera é para o escritor Douglas Adams.
Ao ler seus livros vejo um jeito gosto de falar da realidade, explicar coisas que não necessitam explicação, mas são explicadas pra trazer humor para o mundo.
Meus parabéns, suas histórias são dignas de entrar pra história do mundo, e serem lembradas e contadas até o fim dos tempos.
A segunda é para Daniel Wallace o escritor de "Big Fish", que mostra oque é tentar trazer alegria pra vida das outras pessoas. Adaptado por John August o filme é fantástico, um conto gostoso, pra revelar a bondade das pessoas que tentam trazer um brilho novo pra vida, mostrar um jeito gostoso de contar as coisas para que os seus ouvintes sorriam mais.
A vida não passa de muitos fatos, e em sua maioria não é interessante. Mas sempre existe um outro jeito do olhar pra coisas, porque a vida naum precisa ser algo simples, pode muito bem ser uma história fantástica.
Eu muito quis, eu ainda quero, que minha vida fosse assim, mais uma história a ser contada doque os simples fatos que a formam.
Eu queria homenagear as pessoas que se esforçam pra tornar a vida das outras pessoas uma vida mais alegre. Aqueles que não esperam nada em troca, mas mesmo assim fazem as pessoas sorrirem, dos jeitos mais bobos, ou mais elaborados, seja contando histórias, seja comprando flores, ouvindo as dores dos outros ou mesmo maquinando sem que os outros saibam, pra que no fim as pessoas estejam sorrindo. Eu admiro essas pessoas, queria ter o dom de trazer alegria pra vida dos outros, queria que meus pais soubessem que eu amo e admiro eles, que meus irmãos são especiais pra mim, queria dizer pras pessoas que já me deram um ouvido que elas não sabem as alegrias que elas me trouxeram, queria que meus amigos soubessem que a compania deles foi oque tornou possível eu estar aqui escrevendo isso, queria que minhas amigas recebessem em dobro todo o carinho que elas dedicaram a mim, queria poder fazer essas pessoas felizes porque elas merecem e muito ser felizes.
Um dia gostaria de escrever como esses dois autores, tocar a vida de outras pessoas, como eles tocaram a minha.

One More Time

You gave me sweet things and flowers
You gave me a sky so blue
You gave me a rock to lean on
And I gave myself to you

We wander through each other's secrets
We traded an honored word
We shared a solemn promise
But like the raven's cry, it must be heard

Please don't take away your love dear
One mistake is not a crime
Let's start again, my love is yours dear
Your love is mine
One more time, one more time

You tell me a cold wind's a'comin'
A chill that turns a heart to stone
And your eyes say it's time to move on
Down a road you'd rather walk alone

Now pride is a raging river
You could fell the tallest tree
When some need the wings of forgiveness
And tame the stormy seas

Please don't take away your love dear
One mistake is not a crime
Let's start again, my love is yours dear
Your love is mine
One more time, one more time

You say that nothing is forever
Like the tide that comes in but doesn't stay
But our journey has taken up our lifetime
And what you give you just can't take away

I can't take away my love dear
One mistake is not a crime
Let's start again, my love is yours dear
Your love is mine
One more time, one more time

Change
It is a well known fact that humans are one of the most adaptive beings.
And as such, I have changed lots of concepts in my life during the last 8 years.
I remember that as a child I used to think that love was something weird, that kissing was a bizar thing to do. At the time I was confortable to say that I would never marry nor have kids. I made no acctual distinction between girls and boys. That would sound strange if I weren't 7 years old.
Latter I came to discover why people were so concerned with this love thing, even if it were a really strange situation, I felt that heart-pounding sensation, that unreasonable adrenaline rushing in my body, that second stretched through time as if it were an hour.
It was a new thing, interesting but not yet really needed, so my mind focused on this thing about existencialism, to come to a conclusion of that what a longed for. In the next few years I came fond of a of a more complex relationship, one of mutual caring. This feeling of being taken care, or watching over for someone's happyness, I felt peace in the arms of some girls. This also was new.
After some many different experiences I face now the greatest change in my life, as a human I am expected to change, but I never wanted to come to this situation. Now I lack a piece of my soul, this love thing that I still don't really know what is, I once thought it was useless, unimportant, now I find it strong enough to render me weak and sad, with no strengh to raise and fight.
Today I still think that I will not marry or have children, but now it is not because I want that way, it is more of a fear, a sight of the future, but I think I will have no choice in this matter.
I have this void, I fear it will never be filled, and the pain my soul bears is greater taen I could ever have expected, now I am nothing but a child crying from its fears.
I don't want to die without ever being loved back,
I don't want to die alone,
I don't want to die...

Trust
As the only living beings who claim that has a highly developed society, trust should be something very important to human kind.
As humans insist to show, there are too much people who can't be trusted, people who will betray you for the most idiotic reasons, people who will backstab any friend for personal benefit, people who will blackmail family to get power or money, and people who will simply take joy out of others misery.
Because humans have low rate of being dependable, it is often to hear someone say things like this, "Don't trust anyone!", and also find those who assume that everyone they meet is a bad(not trustable) person.
I still believe thet this is one of the worst problems in our society. Having no one to trust makes life much harder than it ever should be. I am one of those who believe that most people can be trusted to a certain point, and that people should not be pre-judged.
But maybe I am wrong. Maybe there is no one I can really count on, no one will hear my pain and treat me well, no one that would take an effort for other people and no one innocent enough to trust me.
I perfer to believe that there are people out there that can be trusted, and those people work in silence to make their friends' life better, and that is the only reason why our society structure doesn't fall apart, that there is some hope in human kind.
I hope I can find a trusting peace in someones arms.

A Dream
She which plagues my dreams, comes and goes as she pleases.
I may never get to really know her, but just thinking of her makes me smile.
She is the negative and the positive united in perfect harmony.
She never worries about unimportant things, and she will never stress about something important, she will always make you believe that everything will work out just perfect.
She will go out even if you don't want to get out, but she will smile at you when she invites you, and before you know it will be too late to refuse, and she will show you a good time you weren't expecting.
She will always know many things you don't, but you will know things she does not, and she will believe every word you say to her.
She may be very mature, she will take care of so many things you will not be able to keep track, and even so she will come quietly near you, look into your eyes with those gleaming eyes, and say: "I am cold, give me a hug!", and you will get a bigger chair so she can sit with you until she sleeps in your arms with the same peace of a baby.
She will come when you least expect and slap you butt, say you are getting fat, just to see the look on your face, and she will never do that again, but she will to something different and strange when you least expect.
Even if you won't go with her to all the places, she will always be there with you when you need, when you just want to share a moment with her and specially when you weren't expecting she will show up with a picnic basket and follow you around.
She will be interested in what you do, like a curious child, even if she doesn't like what you do.
You will spend so much time together, you will never miss her, or need to call each other, and no matter what, you know you will see her again.
You will see that even if you manage to spend twelve hours with her without any actual conversation, she will drag you away from the mob, even if that means she will yell at your boss, just to talk to you when you are in the need to talk.
You will never worry about her while she is happy, but the moment she stops smiling you will know, even if you are miles apart.
She will come to you to pour her heart, but you will never hear her say anything bad from anyone.
She will never complain about her hair or how she is fifteen grams over weight, but one day she will storm out yelling at everyone just because someone ate the last cookie, you will remember taking that cookie as she stomps on the ground and looks at you with the only fury in her eyes, and then she will just smile and say:"Oh well, I am going to buy some more cookies, do you want something?", and smile and leave just as if nothing ever happened.
She will never be demanding, she won't cry because her clothes are different shades of pink, because there is no milk in the fridge or because she just didn't get what she wants, but she will always have strong opinions. She will do what makes her happy at the moment, she will wear pink because she wants, even if going to a law school. She won't do anything she dislikes just because someone says it is better.
She will sometimes disagree with you, but if you don't end up agreeing with her or vice-versa, she will smile and respect you wishes and opinions, she will help you even if she thinks it is wrong, and will always hope that makes you happy, because at least that will make everything worth and meaningful.
You will see her smiling with no reason, just to discover that she saw a dog chasing a butterfly.
By her side you will learn that everything and everyone has a good side. She will try to see all points of view, she will agree with the one that makes her feel better, but she will never fail to understand your side, respect it and support you however she can.
She will stop staring at an outdoor, and tell you what that reminds her, or some curious fact about her life or that outdoor.
She will hold your hand, drag you to the beach, she will introduce you to so many people you will lose count, but even is she know half of the world, she will give you all her attention.
She is so independent, so self-sufficient, she will never need someone by her side, but she will always want you by her side every time possible, just because she enjoys your company. If you offer help she will accept even if she needs no help, even if it is the only excuse for you to be together at that moment.
You will play games and roll through the grass, time will fly but you will always feel like it was worth to spend every second with her.
She will know all your friends, they will get along very well. You will know her friends, and you will like them. But no matter what, you will always know that what you have is more special than you could have wished for.
Your heart will find a heavenly peace when you are near her, even if she is not talking to you. You will feel like a better person because how she looks at you.
She will make you blush in public every time possible, and smile at you while doing so, and you will blush proudly because that smile is for you.
You will try to make her happy every second possible, and you will know she deserves, she will never ask of you anything more because of this, and even if you screw up big time and end up hurting her, she will just smile and say it is ok, she will tell you she knows you didn't mean to hurt her, and you will feel sorry because you were bad enough to hurt that smile.
She will bring your life to a complete chaos and disorder, but you would never have had a happier life other way, and in the end you will see that chaos resulting in a way better than you would have expected.
You will be thankful for having her in your life, and she will be simply happy because you are happy.
You will grab her off the ground and take her to places that you never taken anyone else, and she will say, while gazing at the beautiful place, that you should have brought her there before, so you could have spent more time there together.
She will never leave you.
She will be at your wedding.
You will be at hers.
And when you have any doubt you will remember that everything you have to endure, each deception, each pain and each energy spent for others is worth because at the end of the day you have someone that most people won't have.
She will make it all worth.
And you will be happy.
As she will to.
I just wish I knew her real name...^^

I have been thinking...
How far are we from the Ideal Plane?
As is known by most that every reference you use is just a way to call something from the Ideal World that does not existe here, but it represents a concept we all understand. (Like the basic example of the chair, the one you imagine is diferent than mine, but has the same concept as mine.)
I said today, "It's strange how things never go by the idealistic way.", that sentence got me thinking about the ideal results of an effort. I never had an Ideal Result, but I think I have seen others have Ideal Results, I may be wrong, but assuming I am right this time, I started to believe that we are not far from obtaining Ideal Results.
So what is keeping most people to reach those results?
I could only imagine people are just not trying to reach out so far, it would require more work than they want. People are actually willing to sacrifice a better result out of being laizy!!!
As I said before, people are just too confortable the way they live because it is easier to live with what you have than what you REALLY want. (Those iginorant bastards.) But fair is fair, if they want that way good for them, bad for those who want the best... as we know the result of many many little flaws can escalonate into a catastrophe.
It's frustating to know that to reach a nice result I will have to work because people are once again too much self centered to help, or give support.
Even if I am complaining, I have to recognize that each person has it's own problems, and mayba they can't help, so it is unfair to expect that every has to help. But I will admit that I know a fair amount of people who are really(or so they say) happy! My dilemma stands, should I leave and let them be happy and risk my whole life in one twist to the future, or should I fight for an Ideal Result that may change many lives?
I do belive that ignorance is a blessing, but until what point should I let others, specially my friends be blinded that way?
I just hope I can find a way to enlighten everyone without making anyone less happy, and find that way soon.

Eu volto minha mente para o passado, após ver alguns textos, lembrar de algumas falas, e observar o rumo atual do meu espírito...
Sinto saudades daquelas épocas que eu passava um tempo gostoso conversando com as minhas amigas. Olhando bem... eu nunca passei muito tempo conversando com as pessoas, pelo menos não como eu gostaria. Tive meus dias que eu carrego na memória onde eu passei toda a tarde, ou toda a noite conversando. Mas a época boa se foi, aqueles que estavam sempre do meu lado agora se preocupam demais com coisas pessoais. Eu me sinto cada vez mais afastado daquilo que eu queria, abrindo mão de um lado, de outro, e adaptando o resto aos estados emocionais.
Me falta conversas pessoais, sem tempo pra parar ou pessoas pra interromper.
Me falta... tanta coisa, coisas derivadas de uma mesma coisa. Cada um ve as coisas que falta na sua vida, seja motivação, objetivo, amor, amigos, família. Considero no entanto injusto que algumas pessoas reclamem, consideraria injusto eu reclamar não fosse o meu ponto de vista, tem pessoas que se dizem ter tudo de importante, dizem estar plenamente felizes, e justo pessoas assim são as que tendem mais a só ligar pro mundo delas. Como as pessoas podem se auto centrar tanto?
Claro, de um ponto de vista eu devo ser o auto centrado, fico aqui reclamando porque eu não tenho aquilo que eu quero. O que me consola é que eu estou sempre preocupado com o bem estar dos outros.
Talvez tenha chegado a hora de eu me calar. Minha voz expressa apenas dor, não trago assim coisas boas para os outros, melhor então que se faça o silêncio. Não sei quando vou postar aqui denovo.
Se no mundo eu me calar será que alguem perceberia, deixar que os outros levem a vida como eles quiserem, um dia espero poder realizar alguma vontade minha, nem que seja descansar em paz pra sempre...

Eu me pergunto se é ruim imaginar aquilo que algo poderia ser.
Por um acaso é errado o pintor olhar pra tela em branco e pensar que poderia ser uma obra de arte?
Por um acaso o arquiteto naum deveria olhar para um espaço em branco e sonhar com a futura casa naquele lugar?
Eu acredito que as grandes coisas da humanidade, coisas essenciais que nem percebemos o quão importantes elas são, vieram das pessoas que imaginaram o melhor possivel.
Eu sei que isso gera uma possível decepção, mas não seria o mais correto arriscar pelos nossos sonhos?
Eu odeio ver potencial jogado fora!
Não sei se tem algum motivo pra isso, que seja destino na concepção de algumas pessoas, mas eu vim a conhecer muitas pessoas que possuem um potencial enorme para crescer na vida. Pessoas que um dia poderiam ser aclamadas como "heróis", pessoas que podem fazer a diferença na vida da maioria das pessoas, pessoas que não percebem que elas podem ser melhores...
claro, sou pego agora dizendo que EU sei qual é o conceito de melhor. Claro talvez isso seja apenas o meu ponto de vista, talvez essas pessoas não queiram ser melhores.
Odeio ver alguém que pode jogar um jogo tão bem parar por besteira.
Odeio que algumas pessoas acreditem serem incapazes de melhorar naquilo.
Pessoas podem até nascer com facilidade, mas isso não impede de alguém se tornar bom em algo diferente daquilo que tem facilidade.
Talvez eu seja o meu próprio exemplo, talvez por isso eu odeie tanto que os outros cometam esse erro.
Eu vi uma semente da mais bela árvore se distorcer em algo bem pior do que podia. E eu não pude fazer nada, ao menos minhas tentativas foram em vão.
Vi uma semente exótica se tornar naquilo que deveria.
Espero que um dia as pessoas tenham da minha amizade a vontade de melhorar, evoluir, e serem seres humanos melhores. Isso valeria grande parte dos meus esforços.
Melhorar, apenas um atalho para fazer aquilo que te faz feliz.
Desnecessário para aqueles que estão mergulhados em felicidade.
Odeio pessoas acomodadas!
Para aqueles que melhoraram das piores situações possíveis, e também das mais confortáveis, desejo pra vocês a felicidade suprema.

Why do I hear these noises, why I don't just ignore them?
I hear these voices, and I want it to stop. Stop the noise.
Noise...hummm
this which is nothing but the truth.
Why do I fear so much the truth?
People, usually my friends, often tell me the truth, most times I know it, but even so it hurts sometimes. I can't explain why, I just know the way some people tend to tell the truth is mostly hurtful.
I exist now only for a job that is no longer required. I am but a memory of what was once great, once needed. My purpose, my life, my fight now ends lost in time, because of lack of objectives, I now just roam...
I roam driven by anger,
My anger filled by my deception,
My deception powered by love,
Love replenished by time.
So in the end, in time being, I will keep on going, walking a road no one uses.
I have no purpose.
I am not of help.
I am a memory.
To be lost in time.
I bid farewell.
I shall leave to a place where time transends space. Where there is a tree so old, that no one remebers before her. So tall that no one could climb to the top. With so many leaves that I would give shadow to a whole town. But most importantly, in a place so quiet that even my thoughts would be silent. So then I can rest, under a Tree, at the top of a Hill, feeling the Wind, and away from life.
~ Maelstron, the Limit Breaker ~

Inspiration has left me, just like everything before.

"Retribution"
I wonder how many people in this world live by the retribution system.
"If someone does you a favor, if possible you should return it."
This system can be extended for every kind of situation.
If someone offer you something, sometime you should offer back.
If someone gave you a lift, you should try to return it someday.
If someone shared a secret, you also should share one.
Even in bad things.
If someone hurt you, you deserve to hurt one back.
But nice people try to avoid using this system for the bad side.
"If someone hurt you, try to forgive, and hope that your kindness is rewarded."
Many people respect that, but most try to take advantage of it.
On the other side there are those who avoid being included in this system. Those who do no like to have a debt of gratitude with others. These people are those who avoid accepting an offer, a favor, help or admitting they could use aid from another.
These people, of great pride, only result to others when they have no other solution or when they feel like they won't need to return the favor.
I may not be impartial this time, but I really feel troubled by people full of pride. I think they are hurting themselves and people who care for them.
But I guess it is better than being a mean, or a vindictive person.
But for all that matters, retribution is one way to help each other.
And good is made by those who help.

I was wondering.
In so many thoughts one was stronger than the others.
I was trying to enjoy being alone, away from people, with no work to do, just me and myself to relax.
But I felt uneasy. I miss having people around me.
In some way, their company is distracting, and even having trouble dealing with them is better because of their company.
It got me thinking if the feeling would be the same for them.
Do they like being alone or with friends?
That lead to the last wonder of my mind...
Am I a better company than nobody?
I would like to know what I should do to be a better company.

"The Summon"
I know I have failed to attend a friend in need.
Though I never failed to come to you.
In my life I wished to be always there when you needed.
I would like you to be there for me.
Be there when I am happy, because you are a part of me.
Be there when I am sad, because I like your company.
Be there when I call, because no one else will be.
Be there now, because you should be in my destiny.
This time I only whisper,
soon I will shout your name.
If you can, come, I promise I´ll try to make you happy.
And if you make me happy again, I will sing melodies of life,
just to make you smile.
And if you sing to me, I will place my eyes on you, to admire your voice.
I miss you by my side.
Life is so dull, you were a star shinning over the dark clouds.
May you light the lives of other people, just remember me once in a while...

"Window"
'In the search for peace, you visit many places, and get to know new people...
Then you come to this quiet place, where you stand looking over the window as outside there is nothing but rain.
But then you see, over the soothing sound of the rain on the ground, you see a pure and brute soul. Like the children that plays in the rain, happy with no reason.
You wonder if what you see is real, why would it be outside in the rain, with its gentle glow, is light triumphs over the dark clouds in the sky.
It was not there a momment ago, or maybe you just didn't pay attention.
You contemplate that image, wondering if the quiet peace would be disturbed by this new force.
Aprozing the window you can see more clearly. The image triggers memories, most of them good, but these memories steal you away from the quiet peace.
As you refocus, you realize that the glow is near your window, staring right into you eyes. As you look in awe at it, you imagine if you should say something, or if it gets what is in your mind. You ask your self how does this soul survive in the world, and how long will it stay like that before it vanishes in the dark.
You want to go out and reach for it, but you know you would cause more pain in doing so, than you would bring happiness.
You draw a spiral in the window with your finger, and from outside your finger is followed by a glowing trace, over your drawing.
The glowing shape burns in your soul as you fade into the dark, to be lost in Oblivion, but know that the spiral in the window will remais there forever as the symbol of the purest soul roaming this world.
And every one that looks into the shape can feel the peace left by her heart, and wonders if it will ever be another spiral.'
~ To you if you were to have this glow, your peace cannot be replaced, and it will be missed... ~

I once swore to fight for justice, friendship and love.
I always thought that I would have the energy to keep on fighting.
Keep on fighting...
No matter what obstacle you overcome, there will always be Still More Fighting.
So renewal of energy is very important.
To lack a source of energy is hard path to follow, but not one you could choose.
So if in need of a source, and your options have ended, you can always look back.
And ask yourself why...
Why an all Nine Hells?
Why did you even start fighting?
And if you remember...
And if you look around you...
Then maybe... just maybe...
You will see, closer than you think, the reasons you once had to fight.
And if your heart was true, and remained uncorrupted.
You will raise again to fight.
So now I would like to renew my old vows.
For those who fight the same fight as me...
For those whose kindness brought happiness to many lives...
For those who suffered in silence for the sake of others...
For those whose will and determination serve as inspirations to others...
For some people to whom I own my life...
For Sakura...
For Rosette..
For Tia...
May you serve as inspiration to me, as I once again raise to fight.
I swear to keep fighting for Friendship, Justice and Love!

Lost...
What is this feeling?
My mind must not be here. I know it because I have no idea of how I feel!
This must be anger. Or deception. Mostly oblivion.
Why do I feel like this?
I am so confused...
I need to rest. I need good companie.
I wish for peace.
I just can hope that the sound of the rain outside the house, brings me a good night rest, and calms my spirit.

Déja Vu
This expression that describes something so strange and yet there is no better way to describe it.
As I came to the highest point of the cliff, I find myself with this strange sensation. Like I have been here before.
This wind that calls me. This call I hear, is also one I fear, and hope to be the last, as I´ve heard it in the past.
This is like the same wind that blew through me so many years ago. Even if the place is different, and the reazon it calls is another, the melody in the wind is the same.
The wind brings to my memory the hopes I once had, reminds me of the important things. Why I fight.....
this fragments of my memory makes me want to rise in flames and fight like my love depended on it, fight with life and death by my side.
Fragments of soul, they carry an enormous power to restore will. But as fragments they are not complete, they lack one thing. This thing that I had with me the last time... this did not come back with the wind.
This, and only this... the difference between the past and the present, is somehow the most important thing. I miss it dearly, and hope every day that I will regain this thing.
Life is fight... but every fight has to have a purpose.

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 16 ~
"...so my master started to explain about the way´s to evolve. He said that most people only evolve when needed, but they did evolve quite fast, of course on the downside they didn't always evolve enough to overcome their challenge. Some people search for challenges to overcome and become stronger little by little. There is a really good point of this way of evolving, because the challenge is only momentary, which means that when you overcome it you will be stronger and with no challenge. That is why there are many people who constantly train in this world. There is one way similar to that but with a very big downside, that is when you have a constant problem which you can't overcome, you can only survive it's tests. That way, if you survive, you get stronger each time you pass another test, and evolve actually fast, but there is one problem with that one, as because you are constantly under a challenge, most of your energy is focused into it, leaving little energy for the rest of your life. If you do not overcome sometime your challenge you are never going to be stronger, at least not relatively. So the option..."
~ End of Part 16 ~

I came to a point in my life.
Here where I stand now makes me see so many things.
I see names, I see messages, I see probabilities, but I miss seeing possibilities.
I fear for my friendships...
I am confused, I do not know what to do, who to talk, what battles to fight.
I want to tell some people that they are hurting me.
I want to ask them to be my friends and try to help me.
But the more I see the things surrounding me, the more I fear to make a move.
I just want to leave this message to say that I love my friends, and I hope not to see any of them fade away in my life with no reason...
I hope we can leave in peace.
Until Time gives me time.

It is impressive how even little things, if in great numbers, can afect you as much as the Big Bad Thing.
I came to an dead end once again. I lost all my power and can no longer take it. Being with them has become too much exausting.
So I didn´t go today to college in order to rest my soul. Even if being alone won´t help, it still beats having to see them glued to each other every second.
Please, if any Guardian is hearing me, please give me power, give me peace, at least give me something so I can have a normal life.........

I feel so alone...
Searching through the dark I find my close friends not close enough or just not helpful. I am sorry if I fail with my obligations as a friend.
If I had any Strength left I would help every one.
But I loosing a friend and seeing my life colapse around me is taking a toll much greater then expected.
I miss doing fun stuff with you. I miss going to the movies with you. I miss playing games with you.
I just hope to have a chance to be a part of your life again.
I will try to find strength in my friends, in my studies. But you could help so much and you have no idea...

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 15 ~
"...she looked into my eyes and asked:
- Why are you here?
- I came here because I want you by my side.
after a gentle smile she spoke again.
- You look troubled, is there something wrong?
- As you must know by now, the world is in grave danger.
- Yes I know...
- So I set out on a journey to save the world. But after all I have seen, after the enemys I´ve faced, I now find this task impossible for me to do.
- Then why are you here, I is not like I can save the world in you place.
- I came here because I feel in the middle of a storm, and I need somewhere I can rest and calm myself. I need to recover my faith in me, in the world. So I came here to be by your side, to see your smile. You can´t imagine how good it feels to stand by your side and feel this peace. And last I came here to se if you would like to go with me to save the world, so that I will have peace wherever I go.
her eyes were shinning as if she had tears in her eyes. Then she came near to me placed her arms around my body and held me strong near to her in the warmest hug she had ever given me. The relief that came over me almost put my soul to sleep as if she was in so much peace she could finally rest. After some time like this she start to whisper into my ears..."
~ End of Part 15 ~

Ok... vou apenas justificar por que eu não tenho postado aqui mais...
Eu não ando bem. Não aguento mais a dor. Tanta coisa acumulada...
Se eu encontrar um momento de paz, um esboço de carinho ou um toque de amor eu volto a postar aqui...
até a próxima.
Thomas

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 14 ~
"...after some time I began to wonder if there was a point to persue a goal you can't reach.
I asked myself if I should keep fighting even knowing that there was no way I could win, or better, I would need a real miracle to win. There was nothing I could do to make a difference, so why should I keep killing my soul in vain. I wandered for days without aim, just going where the wind blew me. Until I ended up discovering that the real purpose of this fight was not for me to win, it was just to make the world different, so that someone who can win would actually step up for the fight. So I kept fighting until now, only hoping that I could change the outcome of the war even if I do not win.
I never cared much about getting myself killed. But now I just fear that I could die with never feeling..."
~ End of Part 14 ~

I must say.... happiness is a really strange thing...
I was feeling normal, almost happy with no reason...
I was even trying to help a friend...
But why? Why this sudden change of mood? Is it just jealousy?
No it can´t be... jealousy does not hurt like this...
Envy? Maybe...
But I actually imagine this is the pain of loosing a friend. I feel stolen, abandoned... oh Hell.
I am lost...

It is impressive...
I always said that Time if too much could destroy anything.
After seeing a massacre I thought that my heart would be so deeply wounded that all the love I had would have vanished.
But now I know.
Even after all I have passed I still have old feelings left. They weren´t destroyed, though they were really weakened, they still exist..... and that calms me....
There may be hope in the horizon.... maybe not in the future, but in the past...

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I have been to many places, I have seen a great deal of suffering, I have heard of people killing themselves just because of little things.
But in all my life I have never seen anyone be so tormented by a pain like I am.
Why can´t I have just a little bit of peace? Why the pain goes on? Is this the feeling of loosing your soul, or just the feeling of loosing someone too important?
This is a battle I fear I cannot win... so what option do I have?
I have to wait, even if I don´t want to. I just hope my life changes quickly.
To all of those who survived true pain and now are happy, I hope I become one of you.
To all who never felt true pain, I hope that none of you ever feel this.
And to all who have a friend in true pain, for all sixteen gods, help your friends! I don´t know how you should do that, but this is a battle most can´t survive without friends, so please be the friends they need and give them a better day, a better life.
If I had a wish, I would probably wish that my friends would never have to undergo such pain, that they should have a happy life. I just fear that I won´t be there when they are happy.
To the next generation of fighters I would like to share my wisdom, and for now goes just an advice... make your friends happy. They deserve...
The chilly winds of the south caves of the Ninth Circle of Hell are calling me...
Farewell... happiness to all who deserve....

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 13 ~
"...I think it is fair. Once a year I travel to the Valley of Atonement, where I go deep into the Cave of Grudge, where the mysts that fill the cave bring to your soul the pain and resentment you have brought upon the living creatures of the world. You feel all the grudge that everyone has for you, and the mysts are so thick and confusing that you can only leave the cave once you reached peace with the grudge you are feeling.
This ritual gives you a chance to feel what other people feel for you, and so you take the responsability for all the pain you have caused. I feel it is only fair that each person should feel the pain they bring upon others, and I do my part to keep the justice of my words. That is why I think I am entitled to cause such a great pain to those who deserve..."
~ End of Part 13 ~

In this life we come upon situations very hard...
some of them we are not meant to face, some are battles we should fight alone and some are the battles we fight with our friends because we can´t do it alone.
Well, whenever you can fight, things go easy, because no matter how hard the task is, or how harsh is the war, if you can rise and fight, with either your pure courage, or the strength of your friends, you can end up victorious, and it is mostly up to you. This is good, even if normally you can´t see it.
But when you can do nothing, when you feel like an ant in the hands of a cruel kid, when your most drastic actions can only bring up your own demise, that is where the real pain lies. It is the pain that only your soul can feel, it is that wich alone can destroy you body and make you insane. The better chance you have is to unload all pain from time to time, and you will find a way you would never imagine...
I discovered that no matter how much my heart is hurting, no matter how much blood my soul may have dropped, that I still can lose my mind in a full-study afternoon. It is enough to relax your mind for some hours, to make the pain stop for a bit so that your wounds may heal at last. This time may seem very little compared to the time you suffered, but it is very good to give a break to your soul and spend the energy of your mind, or you body, therefore this little time can seem like an eternal moment of peace... for some time, even if just a couple of minutes your soul was at peace, a peace you would think had been lost forever.
Give your soul a break once in a while, it deserves to rest to.

Everybody's Free
(to wear sunscreen)
Mary Schmich
Chicago Tribune

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97... wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now...
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.
You are NOT as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen..."

Some of the wisest words I have ever heard in my whole life...

~ The Fellings of Blood ~
As I walk now I try to clean the blood in my pure feelings and keep them safe from all this bloodshed. I know my path will take from me more and more blood, but at least I can try to preserve what I feel, for these feelings deserve to stay untainted. The blood may corrupt them in time so now they are isolated from the world so that I can live without fear that my blood may destroy such a beautiful feeling....
What is worth to preserve I was asked, and as much as I wanted to answer, I couldn´t do it because there is no way to describe it. But now I have one way to pass a close idea to what I feel. It is worth fighting, to die for, if you know that feeling makes you suffer and brings you pain and even so you recognize the beauty of it.
I may have no concrete idea of what I feel, but still I know it is wonderful, and I will keep it pure as it deserves, even if I have to suffer for that...

Ok.... foi-se o feriado, não fiz nada das minhas obrigações...
Me sinto envergonhado.... porém, em minha defesa eu naum tive condições de fazer nada. Nos dias que naum teve gente aqui eu fiquei passando mal e agonizando sozinho, e quando teve gente eu fiquei vendo filme, jogando RPG, ou UT... agora q as coisas estão voltando ao normal espero conseguir cumprir com minhas obrigações...
Bem a vida segue, sem o apoio necessário, mas com força vinda do fundo da alma...
*Usando bateria de emergência*
oh well....
and so we go on... Never Giving Up on Our Instincts....

Just a bit of pain, and these words call my memory....
as a wise saying I read once..... I feel these words in their full meaning...

"To love and not be loved...
there sure are fates more painfull
but none more cruel."

I'm tired. I'm so tired, Selan. Let me sleep for a while next to you...

As I fall once more, this time covered in blood, I realize that I have nothing to do...
I can´t change history, fate or whatever, I can´t live with this situation... each image, each sound, each time I don´t look, each wonder and each time I sense... each time is a new cut, a new slash in my soul, this is wearing me out very fast, and each time is getting more frequent and more close to ultimate demise.
As I say this last words, I leave only one message. To all my friends, each of you know how much I love you, and proportional to that love I wish you eternal happiness. May your roads be sweet and kind, may your love bring peace to you mind, may your friends be true and loyal, and your fortune be great and royal.
As from now on, I WILL NOT answer any messages, will not talk, will not call for anyone, until..... until...... something happen....

Get ready, love will leave you crying
Its gonna hurt you, till your heart is dyin'
Can't excape it, ain't no use in trying
No exception, love will leave you crying too
Till your a broken man, poor you

The day you see her, a lovely stranger
You only pray that soon you'll know her name
You finally touch her, and your in danger
It won't be long before you feel the pain

Cause your emotions will overtake you
You'll look for heaven in her big brown eyes
But she's no angel, and she'll forsake you
It shouldn't come as any great suprise

Passion really isn't happiness
There is trouble in her sweet caress
Lost in confusion
You'll drown in your delusion
If you don't run

Get ready, love will leave you crying
Its gonna hurt you, till your heart is dyin'
Can't excape it, ain't no use in trying
No exception, love will leave you crying too
Till your a broken man, poor you

You think you're macho, a real soldier
But you have never seen this woman smile
You can't resist her, you can't control her
Soon you'll be as helpless as a little child

You feel so foolish, but just remember
There is no man who wouldn't be her slave
She's hot as fire, cold as december
Her kiss will drive you to an early grave

Every time you try to run away
Your desires gonna make you stay
Still in her power weaker by the hour
Why even fight

Get ready, love will leave you crying
Its gonna hurt you, till your heart is dyin'
Can't excape it, ain't no use in trying
No exception, love will leave you crying too
Till your a broken man, poor you

Passion really isn't happiness
There is trouble in her sweet caress
Lost in confusion
You'll drown in your delusion
If you don't run

Get ready, love will leave you crying
Its gonna hurt you, till your heart is dyin'
Can't excape it, ain't no use in trying
No exception, love will leave you crying too
Till your a broken man, poor you

This song... my soul... these words...

If Only Tears Could Bring You Back

How will I start
Tomorrow without you here
Who's heart will guide me
When all the answers disappear

Is it too late
Are you too far gone to stay
This one's forever
Should never have to go away

What will I do
You know I'm only half without you
How will I make it through

If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give
If you returned to me someday
Somehow, someway
If my tears could bring you back to me

I'd cry you an ocean
If you'd sail on home again
Wings of emotion
Will carry you, I know they can

Just light will guide you
And your heart will chart the course
Soon you'll be drifting
Into the arms of your true north

Look in my eyes
And you will see a million tears have gone by
And still they're not dry

If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give
If you returned to me someday
Somehow, someway
If my tears could bring you back to me

I hold you close
And shout the words I only whispered before
For one more chance, for one last dance
There's nothing that I would not give and more

If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give
If you returned to me someday
Somehow, someway
If my tears could bring you back to me

~ Presentation ~
I feel it is my duty to present myself.
The name is Maelstron.
I came here with the only purpose of protecting Thomas, who is having a hard time in his life. Since he was too weak to protect himself, I came to take some blow in his place while he recovers.
I have been resting in a place almost like heaven, it is known only as: "The Flower Field". I heard he call out for me sometimes and when I reallized that he was in deep need of help I came.
So for sometime, I will be the one posting here, even if it is something he wants to say.
Just so that everyone who reads this know that I am another person...
Cordialy,
Maelstron.

I wander through the dark forest, as I persue a unique treasure...
I has been hard to keep track of it, my path is full of dangers, and discoveries that hurt, but as I go deep this way, I now find myself alone, standing in a unknown forest, far from my friends, far from help...
As I find myself close to my objective, my soul rest in a strange way of being in peace, but the closer I get the more vulnerable I become to the other dangers that surrounded me. So many voices, I hear them try to convince me to give up, to keep away from this treasure, so many voices, that my own voice has become an echoing mix of the other voices. I know deep inside that I must keep going after this one thing, but even my reason thinks that I should go away and try to find confort in the arms of a safe, common shiny crystal, the one you know that will be by your side, even if it does not satisfy you.
Though I hear these voices, I still feel alone, and as the distance between me and her grows bigger, I feel lost, desperate, unable to do anything, unable to love and appreciate life, I feel weak, and the only thing that gives me strenght to keep walking in the dark forest, is the slight chance of finding her...... or finding another treasure, one that will be by my side........
I feel weak, lost and alone...
my cry for help is not heard,
what should I do???

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 12 ~
"... In the year I spent in the cross-sky 7 peaks, I once was in a long discussion with my master... He asked me a question: - There is only one situation where the war is lost, and there is no point in battling, do you know what is it?"
I tried to argue with him, for a long time I said, the war is over when your opponent is stronger I said, the war is over when you have no more strength to fight, the war is lost when you die... I now recognize that I said many things wrong...
When he came to me the day Iwas parting, he asked me if I discovered the answer. I said that there was no answer to that question, he looked at me and said after a few seconds: "You have a nice journey, but until you find the real answer to that question you won't be able to attain the true power of my teaching, maybe thatis the most importante thing I will ever teach you. Farewell."
And then I left, giving little thought to his words. Recently I began to think about all that I have been through. I overcame Death, fought much stronger enemies, found strength when I didn't imagine I had... I basically did the imporrsible in my life.
So I thought never the war would be lost... but now I finally understand when the war would be over......... when there is no more reason to fight."
~ End of Part 12 ~

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 11 ~
"... waited for the blood to stop flowing, as the wound in his arm started to heal. A few moments later, he stood up on his foot, shook off the blood and reajusted his cape as he walked away from his friends, who were now regrouping and taking care of their on wounds. They turned just in time to see him far away, walking in the ruined hall south of where they had just fought, they thought to call him back, but hesitated knowing their words would have no effect.
Driven in deep anger, he jumped over a fallen pilar, going deep into the dark hall, then holding his arms together up his face, he whispered in obvious anger some words then threw his arms open, then as the hall got darker and he walked on, a rift appeared in his way, and as he cross it he was no longer near his conrades.
A few steps brought him to a red carpet, leading into a open room, with a fireplace, walls full of books, look more like a library, he crossed the room, ignoring the looks of wonder in the faces of those who were reading until his arrival. As he reached the main door, about three meters from it, he turned right to face the green-brown wall, one of the only parts of the room without a book. With the wave of his hand shapping strange symbols, he watched as the wall shone were his fingers just were and opened into the ground revealing an equally large room which he charged in as if trying to reach someone before everyone could react. In quick speed he crossed part of the new room and shouted: "- You know I am the only one who knows how to kill you, you do not want me to do that and you know I will. Why did you break our bargain... and do not try to run, you know you can´t..."
The man in a dark green suit just as if by instinct, jumped away about 5 meters to grab the handrail of the second floor, just in time to avoid the grappling hand in his neck. He..."
~ End of Part 11 ~

I normally wouldn´t post anything like this but I feel the need to claim high and bold... from top of the mountain.... I am completely desperate!!!!

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 10 ~
"... then he dove in the deep lake, even though he would have no problem with air, going under alone having no exact idea where to find the three objects of our search, on a place surrounded by fierce water monters, with just his lance to protect him, that just didn´t seem like the best way to aproach the situation...
I laid down my hands on the surface trying to feel what was happening, but the waves of energy on the water were too uneven for me to get accuracy.
The valley kept the weather warm at all times, which made the dive a lot easier, the sun over the top of the mountain gave a path o light into the lake, maybe not enough to reach the bottom of it, but surely was helpful.
After about twenty-five minutes, the cold chill up my spine..."
~ End of Part 10 ~

How to tell some one you love that you really love her?
I feel the need to shout to the wind that I love her, but I can´t, I almost can´t tell my friends.
I wait day by day, effort by effort, favor by favor, for a smile, a look or some sweet word, I wait to her that I am not just anyone, that I am important, that I will not become a distant memory, that she needs me in her life. I know how bad is to expect to be needed, but I just want to make her happy, but I must admit that in the brute core, I want her to like me, to feel better by my side, to feel safe with me.
If she would just care a little bit more, things wouldn´t be so hard...

~ A Prayer ~
May my mind be crystal clear,
always ready, with no fear.
May my body be strong as stone,
of fiery flesh and impervious bone.
May my soul be pure and innocent,
bright before the dark so imminent.
May my road be clean and swift,
as passing through the cloud´s rift.
May my heart never fail,
as I search far for her trail.
May my love reman in memory,
even divided by a wall of ivory.
May this fight not end in vain,
so my soul can endure this pain.
May my fight be worth the while,
for all is worth to see her smile.
~ Entry in the "Book of Tales" ~

~ Void ~
"...I could feel the energy flow, somehow all energy around was being pulled toward de center of the mountain, I knew I shouldn´t go on, but something familiar was drawing me there.
The wind stopped for a moment and gave way to the sensation of being in the void, some steps farther I found this hole in the wall, it was pulling everything there, so I tried to stand my groung while I observed that strange phenomenom. For a while I could see the light vanishing inside, time seemed instable, like tima could not pass around there.
I could feel my merory´s cleaning up, toughts, worries, feelings all slipped from me into the rift. For almost all the time I felt home, my mind was clear, and the void inside me felt like many times before. It was hard to understand, or even explain, but I knew I felt connected with the void outside me.
Some time later, I could feel my very existance being taken from me... I hesitated, i wanted to go all in, be lost in tima and space, so my mind and heart would finally rest forever. Then I broke my toughts and went back, when I got far enough I realized the only thing that was completely uneffected by the void was one, and only one, memory...yours...
Though it felt good to be unworried, I felt lonely without you, now more than ever. I set out to find another way in life, to search for you, for a way to be with you. I thought that maybe some day in the future when is were to die, this could be a way..."
~ Part of the Lost Diary ~