Silence
After so many events in life, after so much has happened, now my voice is silent.
I can't even imagine myself saying to someone the things I feel.
I have no one to lean on. Or at least no one I want to lean on.
It is odd. I feel like I want to jump into someone's arms, but I don't feel like I can jump into the arms of someone I know.

Shit.

By the way... my PC is down for the mean time.

The Map, the Key and he Compass
Each Zelda fan knows there are some basic components to completing a dungeon.
There is the Map, which gives you detailed room disposition from all floors.
The Compass which indicates where the treasures are and where the final boss lies.
And of course, the Big Key, which can open the bosses door, and some times all other doors.
This of course is part of the fun of completing a dungeon, and finding all the treasures in it.
But I'm not here to talk about this marvelous game. I'm here to use this game pattern to talk about life.

In many ways, life isn't much different from completing a dungeon, or even an epic adventure.
Unfortunately for us, we don't have (as far as we know) a map that can give is the disposition of everything to come in our life. So we have to do it the hard way.
We each start our lives with a blank map. One that we fill with every experience. Each experience leads to others, revealing doors as we go through them, sometimes closing others. Sometimes we may find it easy to open a door, maybe we were prepared with a key, but this of course is not always true. Sometimes we have to complete a most difficult puzzle to bypass the closed door, or to reach the lever that opens it. To some these puzzles may seem trivial, while to others it is quite a challenge.
But even going through these doors, we still have no idea of where to go when we start. Some people might help us sharing knowledge of what is behind some doors so that we may enter more prepared or avoid it if desired, and at all possible. But still, where are all the treasures? Where is the last grand battle with the final boss?
Once again life fails to share with us a magical item that can point to all this. And more, we begin with no clue whatsoever of what is we are looking for.
But since we are on the hard path, might as well find these informations along the way. In every experience we can find pieces that we can put together to build our own compass, and so know what sort of treasures are we after, and where are the boss fights we have to go through in other to find our happiness. Some find soon what they want, some stumble upon the boss battles and sometimes even win the fight, without even looking for it.
In the end, we seek out the key to open that final door. For the final challenge.
The key that is not physical, but might still be found in any way that might allow you to reach your final goal.

The curious thing is that neither item is useful without the others.
A lonely map can show you how to move, but not the good places to go.
With just a compass you may know where you can to go, but not how to reach there.
And there is no good in reaching the final boss if you can't cross the door because you have no key.

And so we wander, gathering the pieces as we go.
Sometimes a little piece of treasure may show to us the location of the true treasure we are seeking.
We might see have to trail a path in the opposite direction of our treasure to find the missing piece, but eventually we may be lucky enough to see were happiness lies, before the path closes.
Heck, the trouble of finding the keys to go back in a path may lead you even farther away.

So it is usually better to search carefully every room. You never know if you will be able to back to that room.

Clash of Styles
Life keeps pressing on. All the rush, all the pressures, no one can stop. At least not anymore.
You have to take the offensive. Try to create you path, find your place in society. You can embrace what life gives you, but it is frowned upon if you don't do anything with it.
Everyone demands much of others. Tries to control everything.
When did we become like this?
Or more importantly... why did we become like this?
I'm not like this.
I was born to observe, to be passive, to analyze and to foresee every movement, every outcome.
I was born to take a single action to make the ripples affect everyone in a carefully planned manner.
I find myself in this paradox, where I can't sit idle and let life go by, while it is not natural for me to take point in this world. Pushing, pressing, manipulating, climbing over people.
The future is there, written... but changing every instant. Actions, passive or not changing things.
Observe the glimpses and try to make the best path you can... in your own style.

Time Sink
I've now found a new time sink.
And with it my time has decreased drastically. In inverse reason to the number of new games I purchase.
Steam's weekend deal's are too good an offer to pass. And so I experiment new games, and buy those I think will be nice.
I try to keep a good balance of things, but this is not helping.
But at least it is fun.
Especially when you get to play with friends.

Well, will try to find good words to keep posting here.

First step is the worst.
As the week begins, all that I have planned seems to have fallen apart. At least concerning the plans for this monday.
With one more failure to go take the blood test, a day began, and I knew it was bad.
I tried to contact the doctor, and nothing. I tried to complain about my broken fridge and nothing.
And within the little time I had to complete my promise at work, suddenly all these paperwork appear for me to sign, I have to help others solve some problems, so I end up getting out of work late, hungry and a bit late to take my medicine.
But the best is for last right? I discover that the parking lot has lost my key, and I have to wait for 3 and a half hours til the locksmith comes, breaks the panel of the car to make a copy of the car key. And of course, I discover when I get home that the key does not lock the car, it only turns it on.
Seeing a monday like this really discourages the spirit for the rest of the week.
But of course, the worst seems to be over, so the week tends to get better. Or so the legend goes.
This is like most things in life.
Taking the first step, passing through the beginning is usually the most difficult part.
Guess in the end you just have to power through at the beginning and hope the rest is smooth sailing.

We can no longer assist you.
What would happen, in any great RPG, if suddenly, in the chamber before the final boss, your team members turned to you and said "Sorry, we can't help you anymore, you are on your own."
Guess it can't be worse than going all the way to the princess, fighting off lots of monsters to then discover that she is happily living with her kidnapper.
"She told me once, before I left. No matter how much you have to face, or how well you enjoy your day, what really counts is whether you have a reason to wake up in the morning, or to keep on fighting.
...
She was right"
This service has been discontinued for lack of maintenance.

Braid
When you become a game programmer, there is this frequent question you try to figure out.
"What makes a good game?"
From time to time there appears a game that is so mind blowing that it breaks out of every convention in creating good games.
That sort of game has this unique way of connecting to people.
Some connect by gameplay, with a game that reacts to the way they want and allowing them to do what they want.
Some go by story, enjoying plausible and very deep narrative, with consequences to players actions.
Sometimes we get superb character development, and either identify with a character, or sympathizes with the characters reasons/decisions.
In some other cases we get this connection by feeling deeply immerse in the world, feeling as if it were real, not because of realism, but from because of what it proposes to be, and is.
Jonathan Blow is a remarkable game programmer. He alone created a puzzle game that has this feature.
You sympathize for the main character, you feel satisfaction from completing the oftenly difficult puzzles, the sound and world are what you expect from the gameplay, and the game brings new ways of playing, while keeping you thinking in ways to solves the tasks to complete the game.
It was cute at first sight, and difficult, which alone is enough for my interest. But it is very mysterious, drawing you deep into it each time you play. It is sweet and romantic, at the same time as insightful and analytic.
It is a great game and I recommend to anyone who likes a challenging puzzle.
It is available for xbox360 and for PC. You can see a demo on steam.
It is simple... but incredible in epic proportions.

I wish more games were like this.

Sunday Night Shift.
I came out of work around 19:00... It was sunday and four more days of work ahead before any good night sleep.
Things were getting more stressful in my project.
I walked up the dark street up to the parking lot to get my car.
I was already dark enough, and the street lights were dim, barely enabling a full sight of the street.
Walking toward my car I looked up to a nearby office building.
It struck me as odd, as almost all the windows were lit, as if it was a regular week day.
Do people always work on weekends?
Was it just that building?
Maybe it was pure coincidence... but at that moment it felt like a normal day of work in any week day, and I was not one of the few working late.

Voice of freedom.
I'm all for justice, anyone who knows me knows this.
So I'm in favor of freedom of speech, and the internet serves that well.
But people forget that your freedom should end when it crosses the barrier into someone else's life.
I'm a silent reader. I read web comics, my discussion groups, among some other things, but as a silent reader I only comment or say anything when it becomes clearly relevant.
While I can ignore most inane comments in most places, I sometimes have to raise and join the band to say that the internet has in some ways gotten some people more dumb.
I can let the awful grammar slide, even though I should not.
I can look away from the pointless spamming just for the fun.
But it really gets under my skin when I go to newgrounds.com or youtube to watch something funny and for some reason end up reading the comments.
I do recognize there are some insightful comments, and some are at least a simple representation of one's opinion. But most of them... and I mean MOST of them, are pure babbling about how stupid some one is, or how they praise something REALLY stupid.
The need to say incongruent words, to curse needlessly, to criticize for the sake of saying something is the worse thing to happen to the internet.
Come on, didn't anyone else's mom say to them that if they don't have something useful to say that they should (jump off a bridge) shut up?
I keep hoping that people will realize this. XKCD put it in great perspective with this comic strip: http://xkcd.com/481/
I ask if the people behind this are 8 year old kids, or maybe someone that has REALLY nothing better to do with their lives than to try to demean others', or maybe it is someone with no intellect that feel superior by doing this. By searching for flaws in others and pointing, so that they never have to look to their own flaws.
This is something I like to tell.
When I was little, insulting someone 10 years older meant pummeling. Simple and hard. And we knew it, we respected older people, and they mostly left younger ones alone.
Nowadays you see a 8 years old insulting people as if he/she was the dictator of a country with a million man army behind him/her. I don't know if it is the way kids are raise, the game/TV/movies they come into contact, or if the social pressure in school has risen to the point where this is a mean of survival. All I know is that it is wrong.
You know that feeling of wanting to toss someone in front of a bus?
Humans will never learn to respect the unknown this way, because they don't fear the consequences anymore.
Pitiful.

Time passed, time owned.
Time is one of the prime forces of the existence.
So it is no big surprise the amazing power it has. Especially when it comes to collect unpaid interests.
No I'm not talking about money here.
I know a wide range of different people, each with a sleeping characteristic. Some HAVE to sleep at least 8 hours, some need absolute silence and darkness, some get sleepier when they sleep more than 7 hours and some can sleep through any circumstance which is my case.
I've slept about 6 hours per day for as long as I care to remember. People have told me along the years that this life style would eventually catch up with me.
I was never a believer, but sometimes it does seem to be true.
We say that each body restores a certain amount of energy by sleeping some time. If you fail to meet your body requirements but still push on, someday you'll have to pay up. As a child, the weekend can be used to this end.
As a young adult your weekend is more busy than your weekday. So you have little time to pay up. Eventually the dept become to large for you to control and you end up facing some consequences.
For me it is interesting how I have much more trouble getting out of bed when I sleep a lot, but I can sustain a focused mind better after lunch.
Now when I sleep 6 hours only, I have more trouble focusing my mind, even though my body is still in perfect condition.
Time has a way to collect its interest. After all, it is a prime force.

A Brief Moment
That most beautiful sound, echoed endlessly throughout the empty room to reach a lonely heart.

Wandering
By the time you realize all that I said was true.
By the time you discover that I was away, in the streets, observing while you enjoyed your party.
By the time you notice I'm no more.
You'll see only but the shadow that I leave behind, in the dark corner of that room.
The same as everywhere I go.

Reaction.
Who do you react when something really important to you is taken away?
When you REALLY like a job, but get fired over mass cuts due to economic problems?
Or when you lose a loved one, be it family, friend, or lover?

Humans react each in their own manner. Not something any one can analyze. But it is curious to think of how people react.
My said she dreamed her mother was dying. The despair she described as her reaction shows she would most likely fall apart to lose something so precious.
It got me thinking.
In the end, do we think about how other will take an event before we set it in motion?
I know we are that self involved. But hopefully people will be more thoughtful once they are aware of the harm.
As for things out of our control, well, we need to be prepared.

Finally
After so much time...
after so many troubles...
countless worthless tries...
many moments where I wanted to fall apart...
after so much skip and wait...
after wake and go try again...
after the many blank times with no internet.
I've got an apartment.
One with MY name on the rent bill.
Even though I do not live alone (the complications of this are not mentioned on this post).
It is my place, and I have internet in it.
It is walking distance from work, even though I go by car.
It is reasonably cheap.
Though not well furnished, as I have little money to do so.
It has the essentials, fridge, stove, microwaves, washing machine and a bed for two in my room.
I just need a desk to keep my PC in my room.
So I should resume writing here as soon as my time stabilizes.

All In One.
"... so the main difference would be her attention. Having such distinct and independent parts of her minding their own business leads to a multiple spec of attention.
- So one the down side she's never paying 100% attention. Or even so, one could overload her attentions and get a easy break. Even though it would be tricky. It still rather have my single focus mind.
- Oh but it is more subtle than that. While you think your mind is focused on only one thing, like most people's minds yours processes more things in the background, so you can react, think, and plan without wasting your concentration. But you are not aware of this. Not actively at least.
They looked at each other, she nodded in agreement. They drank a bit and ate part of their sandwiches before resuming.
- On the other hand, she is aware of that, and has trained to keep each one apart, with minimum interference of each other, leaving only a bit of communication within her, so that she might switch attention quickly and keep focused on each task at hand. It would be fairly naive to try to overload her, since that would require a fragmentation of power, once again less effective. But I guess it would still be the best solution.
- What do you mean?
- Well you see... one thing is really dangerous when someone has such a focused and trained mind. She may multitask most of the time, and that serves her well, but if anything would make every single part of her focus on the same thing at one time, she would be far more lethal, becoming a greater opponent than with less attention devoted, even if she became vulnerable to other events, she would be able to dispatch her main trouble so quickly that no other event could take place at the same time.
She kept a scared look, wandering through her glass, while picturing the terrible scene.
- Those kind of people should be dealt carefully, any such event that would trigger the cornered beast effect would be..."

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 29 ~
"... sitting in a rock nearby the lake.
No one answered. The silence fell over, barely disrupted by the soft shuffling of armors as they looked at each other waiting for some words to come out.
She then asked again.
- Have you observed the fears of others? - She paused as they returned their attention to her - It is quite interesting how each individual has a set o fears and a way to deal with them. Some venture forth to overcome them. - She said pointing to a young man, who was feinting to jump from a high rock into the lake for some time, and finally took the courage to jump.
They turned to look, and some of them started to find a place to sit and let their gear off their shoulders.
- We all have some fear, with some odd exceptions. Some fear instability and won't let themselves be carried. Others can't hear bones cracking. Others take a busy path home, just to avoid feeling alone.
- But fear is a bad thing, right? - Inquired Pentisca kneeling by the lake.
- Right... and wrong. Being afraid is what prepares is to face something we consider horrible. Yet fear can freeze us, and render us weakened. Fears should be respected. One should understand their fears and learn to work alongside with it.
- That is not easy. - Said Maelstron calmly leaning on the rock beneath him.
- True. That is why we are here today. We are to learn an important lesson here. So each one of you should..."
~ End of Part 29 ~

Downfall.
Its finally come to this.
I got this opportunity to break with the bonds of my past, so that I could form new bonds, in the hope of finding my place.
I only got to break some old bonds. Some remain as a fallback... because I couldn't form a new bond.
Interestingly I seem to have lost a very important bond.
And I guess in all my grieving I became a cold, sarcastic, snooty, horrible person.
Now I find that the people in my work don't like me. Just because I was liking going there and doing my job. I was feeling that I was producing something, that I was being productive.
Sweet delusions.
My boss said I was still a waste of money.
Now I find that I'm more lonely than before, with no one (nearly) to give me a support to go on.
Before me a road full of troubles and challenges, in a place I'm not entirely welcome, where I seem to be the worst employee.
I've failed in my life as a game programmer, as a friend, in romance and in family.
*deep breath*
Suddenly I question if breaking with the painful past is the way to better future.
I've sunk so low, I'm questioning whether I should quit this job before I cause more discomfort to others.
I need to get some money and disappear from this world.
It is interesting how I used to be quiet, always listening, and now I can't keep my mouth shut.
For what is worth, I'm sorry for all the bad things I did to anyone...
Maybe I'll find the strength to become a better person and avoid any unkind words.

I'm not the saint I wanted to be.

Ground Control.
"Hey, you there, what do you think you are doing up there?! Get down here immediately!!!
Ha! This place is awesome, why would I go down?
Ok, you asked for it.
*Lot's of odd clunks and bonks with grunts of pain*
And don't you dare go up again!!!"

"Sometimes you just get caught up in all the excitement and forget your place.
People don't invite me to things.
Why in all heavens would I think I could become friends with her?
How blind am I if I can keep eluding myself of my wrongs by thinking I do nice things.
Now, I'm told I'm snooty. Now that is a lesson in humility.
I've become far more evil than I thought.
If you would read this, know that I think I should get out now, before I become a hazard to you or the others, but I can't simply bring myself to take this ultimate back step, while this path entrances me with fake promises of hope.
If I don't break free soon, I don't know if I'll last.
We take sometime to cry off our pains, and re-shackle our inner-most pains, so we can put on that fake smile everyone wants.
How long has it been since someone took me out?
Only 5 more years."

Group Formation
People have tendencies far beyond their imagination.
We tend to group, to band.
We tend to do so many things, that some go unnoticed.
Have you ever paid attention to how you position yourself while in a moving group?
Each person, according to his own personality, tends to assume certain positions within a group while moving, lets say, on the street going to lunch.
So I can exemplify my point I shall illustrate with these pictures, in the assumption of a 5 people group.
I for one, have either one of two preferences to position myself, either as a leader, taking point, or in any leftward position of guard. In my case, leadership is natural, but only within my group and when I'm leading. Left wing is because my left side is my defensive side, stronger to absorb blows, but less precise.
Even though I associate positioning with aircraft formation, anything workd

First off, the arrow formation.
There are basically 3 places to position in this case. The other two are symmetric. You can either be the leader, taking up front, the inside protection, or the outside wing.Pentagon Formation.
This is very common within five people group, as it maintains the generally equal distance among opposites. Assuming basic orientation, it goes much like the arrow, with the difference that there is no outside wings, and no we have back positions. If oriented downward (that is, with two people in front of the group) we get left and right leaders, left and right wings, and back row shield.

Bat Formation. (in the lack of a better name)
Mostly this is an intermediate formation between reverse-pentagon and arrow. The roles are much like pentagon formation, except that the back row shield now is a center back shield. Arrow Tip Formation.
A variation of the arrow formation, with the outside wings assuming left and right back wings. This way they protect each other, and share defense over the sides with the, now, left and right front wings, leaving them more prepared to defend the back. Cross Formation.
This unusual formation is rarely static. It usually is a hybrid of orbital satellites. While in this we have a center person, either a weak one to be protected, or the center in which everything revolves. The other four, may take a plus sign formation, with each one protecting a side, a X formation, which usually functions the same way, but with the responsibility for the main facings divided among the nearest two, or, most commonly, they can keep dynamically revolving over the center.

These are just some examples.
Most people, just fall under a part of the formation as a natural thing, either because they prefer to follow from behind, walk without anyone in front, or talk with someone at their own pace. No one pays much attention, and I stress that making an effort to position yourself in a specific place is a sign of OCD, so watch out. This is something that you should not do on purpose, rather just go with the flow of the group.

Status Attraction
People, all, have attributes that are better developed than others.
Some are wiser, or more intelligent or even stronger.
In general, each one has a main status that dictates importance. And we mostly search for someone who has a higher score in our main status.
Why is this?
We usually excel in what we consider to be best, it is unusual to find someone who is such a devotee of intelligence saying that people should be strong and not intelligent. And when we try to find someone to like, we want this person to be the best available, the best for US.
As an example. Take this social girl, all focused on looks and charisma. Usually in this example the girl would never be seen with someone who is a social outcast. To her, not being social is worse thing you can do as being.
As with me, even thought I have a history of defending well balanced status, I have a primary status in this life. I have a very nice wisdom score. I do have also a good intelligence, and reasonable dexterity, but all else are below average. To me, someone who is not intelligent, is someone hard to live with, and someone without wisdom and common sense in unbearable.
There is a reason why most time people marry someone from work, or an old friend. It is because through time, only those you respect are worth your effort, and those are the ones with your preferred status.