Proxy

   I wish I would stop projecting, that I could take this into my own hands and somehow fix it.

   I've tried many times to take action, to choose a path, and to steer towards some direction in this mad sea, but every time I feel the consequences leave me worse than before. Now I'm afraid to act.... to hurt people, to be as evil as I fear I might be, to discount my frustration on people I wish to be happy and understand the reasoning behind their actions.

   I try not to be selfish, but I imagine most people want some part of their life to be the way they want. I've chased my desires for so long, but now the labyrinth of dangers to avoid leave me unable to act, waiting time to pass, to see if the pressure of those unstopping sands can change the world, or claim my bones.

   Watching the flow of time can be a burden on a soul. Specially in the paradox I find myself in, wanting to change paths, but unwilling to take action. And that is where things become unfair.

   I know I have no right to ask this of you, and that is why I don't. But I silently wish you'd take up arms in my name. That you'd find revolt in my situation and be stirred to do something to help me change paths. To say the words I so desire someone would say in my behest.

   I know the words can hurt... I imagine their purpose IS to hurt, and in discomfort cause change, but I've caused more hurt than I can bear for this life, so I know that if those words ever leave my mouth, they will no longer serve any purpose, for I would be dead or no longer care about the changes they could cause.

   Hence the silence I so desire to be broken.

   But I can't ask you to fight this battle for me, this wildly unfair request will remain along side all those unspoken words.

   Yet, I wish you'd be the voice that breaks the silence.

One Last Question

What will you regret not doing once I'm gone?

Desired Lost Content

As I sink into loneliness,
I find myself perplexed.
All the media content,
Now suddenly on point.

Telling stories of old,
Of new friendships,
Of being together,
Of sharing time and life.

They may resonate the heart.
The desire that is now gone.
But I ask myself why now?

The pain may be gone.
But so is the power to move.
I just want to sleep, forever.

The Beating Paths

I was given a choice,
In fact, many times,
Now with no voice,
just a few rhymes.

I tried to be different.
Wished to be better.
Failed to really matter.
I just ended absent.

Past was left behind,
present a chaotic mess,
bleak the future mind,
no power, or access.

Soon my heart may stop.
But blood will still flow.
You can see the void grow.
In time, no more co-op.

Farewell, good bye.
Thank you, so long.
For what was not a lie.
Never made me strong.

It Ends With a Bye

I guess there isn't much to say.
It has been years since I found a source of happiness.
And while things were bad for some time. It is now that it ends.
With a simple and incredibly painful bye.
It is not that we are apart, or that we need to be apart. It is that there is nothing we could share in the future.
Love should be able to transcend all problems.
Yet love cannot get past the differences in love itself.
One would hope that love would find a way to enjoy a little bit.
But in order to heal, sometimes it must be thrown away.
There is no way for me to tell how much I will miss her. How much I wished we could do our plans together.
How much I regret the problems and the sad days.
How much I wished I was different, better suited to her.
How much I would just like to yell "stay with me".
It is hard to love, know the suffering there is in being together and having to choose not to be together.
Whoever said that love is all you need, was lucky in the type of love he/she had.
Maybe I was not meant to have this love.




It is sad when it ends.

But it is sadder when it ends with just a bye.

By your side

I felt I was invincible.
That every pain was worth it.

I miss you.

There is nothing we can do. Now move out of the line.

That is how my trip to Disney started.
I got up at 4 am, after a 2 hour night sleep. But I was not really tired, I was too anxious about travelling.
I got to the airport around 5:30 am, and went on my way to the chekin for Virgin Australia. When I got there there was a very big line, and no one to provide instructions. After a few minutes lost understanding the deal about the form for leaving the country I got back to stay in line. There were only three attendants trying to get through all the passengers that were trying to check in.
A little over an hour I stood in line, behind a mom alone with a little girl and a baby boy, she was trying to see if there was a special line for her so that she didn't have to wait all that time while handling two energetic children. But no one was there to help her, the only attendant that appeared talked to her briefly and vanished for half an hour. Only when she got near the end of the line they opened a easy path for her to cut ahead of the few people in front of her. A few more minutes it was my turn to checkin.
Now, mind you, I never had any problems during checkin. It was always a simple process of asking the questions I had and handing the documents they asked me. So I was very surprised when after most things were given and all the questions were answered the man taking care of my checkin frowned and said that he had to check something up.
After a couple of minutes looking in the system he told me as bluntly as emotionless that I required a transit visa for Australia to board the plane, so he couldn't process my boarding pass, and this was around 1 hour before my flight. As my brain tryied to wave off all the implications of what he said, in favor of forming questions on what I could do he simply stared at me, barely blinking. After I asked what I could he said that I needed to get the visa, but since mine was a Brazilian passport I need a stamp from the embassy, as opposed to the eletronic visa that other countries' passport requires and can be obtained on the fly, but since it was a saturday I would need to wait for monday to go to the embassy. Then he handed my documents back and stood back as if waiting for me to leave the line.
I tried asking what else could be done, if he could check with immigration on australia to see if there was an alternative, but only said he could provide me a phone and I could try calling them on my own but it would have no effect. After a few minutes of me looking desperately looking for solutions, a supervisor showed up. Hoping that she would have the authority to provide a viable solution I tried explaining my situation again. She looked over the monitor that the attendant had open, and turned to me and said: "Yes, there is nothing that we can do, now please move out of the line" and she called for the next customer to take my place.
After being removed from the line I went to the Flight Center facility in the airport to try and sort out the mess that I was in and was never even warned by the person that booked my flight. There I had to wait an hour to be heard, as since my flight was leaving in an hour there was nothing that could be done fast enough to allow me to be on my flight, so I was not urgent. Understandable, but when you have an hour to wait around and think about the shitty situation you are in, the depression thends to sink in.
When the only lady working there got a moment to help me she looked over my situation and told me I'd have to wait until the manager of the store where I bought my ticket got there, and I could either go back to the city, or try working it out from there, but I'd have to wait around 2 more hours. And so I did.
I talked with him over the phone, trying to figure out a way to get me to USA without going through Australia. A lot of hours lost in this process and a lot of money spent that I didn't have, I got a ticket for 10 pm that same day. With an 8 hour connection wait in LA.
So after 40 hours inside airports and airplanes, with barely no sleep, I was very happy to arrive in Orlando.
But as the curse goes, my problems were not over.
My bag got checked by the TSA, and without having a TSA approved lock (I did not know those existed), my lock was broken into, and with a polite message the costs of it were NOT responsibility of the TSA. So -1 lock.
I got a glass shard inside my finger almost as soon as I got to the hotel.
My glasses broke on the second day there.
I had to deal with lots of issues money wise, not only my own, but also the others.
Stresses with people.
Parks closing early with nearly no warning.
Rides that I wanted to go on closed, or me arriving only after they closed.
My umbrella, that my father gave me, was lost.
The ticked that I requested an extra bag for on the way back AND payed for, did no go through, so I had to save some money to checkin a second bag. And a LOT more money to pay for the excess weight, despite the two combined being under the combined limit.
So of course my flight back had to have some issues. My first flight got delayed for one hour before departing due to paperwork. And I had to endure a Brazilian lady next to me complaining the whole trip. And and extra 30 minutes after we landed just waiting for a gate to open so we could taxi into it. But that is not bad... noooo. I can wait no problem, but my flight can't, so all these delays resulted in a missed connection and after long trips around terminals I got my flight booked for the following night, and since Delta was responsible for the delays, they gave me a cupon for a stay in a hotel, and after a lot of begging some meal vouchers because I didn't have enough money to eat.
And after all that, and of course the extra waiting I finally got back. I day latter than expected, so with lesse time to rest or organize my home or get food, but no other big issues, apart from a blown fuse in the transformer I use to charge my DS.

I'm just venting off at this point. It was a horrible experience. And despite the serious lessons learned, what I will take with is, NEVER TRAVEL WITH VIRGIN AUSTRALIA. And until I find enough reasons, I will avoid Australia as well, because been treated differently because of my country of origin, not my current country of residence, having to go through a different process than other that takes nearly a month to complete, and cost who knows how much, just to spend 2 hours waiting for a connecting flight is a fucking stupid jerkish move, and fuck anyone who does that. (Not that Brazilians don't deserve that sort of treatment, we do deserve all the flak, but I reserve my self the right to hate anyone who engages in this generalized sort of discrimination)

Never missed my routine this much.
But I still have to fix a lot of things that got messed up in my life, so no rest for the wicked.

Astral Hell
This term, I don't know if exists in english, refers to the period preceding one's birthday. Usually the 30 days before.
It is regarded as a bad period, where things tend to wrong, bad luck strikes all the time, and people just stay in a bad mood.
I know some people who believe in this. I myself have suffered from this bad period, but I see it a little differently.
While I did think that worse things happened around this time of year, as well as bad things happened more frequently, it was the part of me that had to question my worth, my meaning in this life that got me depressed every time.
The reasoning behind this was questioning why people were nicer to me this time of year, and only at this time of year. Could be just in my mind. It is after all a human made excuse to have a specific time to give the ones you hold dear a token of appreciation. It's just the time of year elected to do it, so it's embedded in our culture. That doesn't mean they care less the rest of the year. Or maybe it does.
My deepest wish, for the past birthdays, was that my friends would show me that they cared about me the whole year. No presents, no demands. Just "I like you", "You are important", "I miss you" and (more importantly) "I'd like to do something with you, let's go out" on random days through the year.
This has been my drama for, let's say, 15 years. I HATE THIS TIME OF THE YEAR.
I hate thinking that people are being nice out of a social obligation.
I hate to think that my friends don't know me enough to buy me an adequate present. But hey, most people can't do this effectively. And even if they could, I'm complicated. I have most things I want, if I want it and don't have it, is either because it's too expensive for me (and therefore something one wouldn't ask of a friend) or it is inaccessible to me (due to my country and laws and such). I'd much rather have the gift being a "favor" in making the thing I want accessible to me, and I'd be glad to pay for it. (Just like I did with a friend last year, who got her sister to bring me a game which I wanted so much, but couldn't import at a feasible price).
It was never about getting a physical object, it was about having a friend show you that they'd do something to make you happy. To be honest, I still wish it very simply: that my friends would simply play with me, give me some priority in life.
But I digress =P
And for the FIRST time in 15 years, ohhh it's been a long time, I'm happy (around my birthday).
This last few weeks have been the best in ages. So great that I feel I could win the lottery any moment. Or that the only way it could get better is if I did win the lottery.
Job offers, Diablo 3 beta key, fun games, fun times. Oh, and a girlfriend. Who until further notice I will hold responsible for my smiles.
You see, Astral Hell is about the time in which you question the values of your life. In which you gaze upon the reflection of yourself in the people around you. And the most common time to do this, is around your birthday when people are paying attention to you.
But whether you feel happy or sad, depends only on whether you care about what you see or not.
All the troubles I had a month a got, relationship issues, feeling insignificant to life, games that won't work for no reason. They don't matter anymore.
I have someone that makes me feel silly happy. Whose smile makes me feel happy. Whose kiss just can't be put in words.
Oh heavenly kiss.
I wish people will understand one day how I work regarding presents, how all I need to be happy is my friends by my side (wanting to be by my side)
But for now, I don't care, I just want to see her smile.
Thank you, for giving me this gift. For my 113th birthday.

Prepared
Oh how it hurts.
No matter how prepared you are.
You've heard it a thousand times.
You imagined how it would play out.
But you can't tell yourself how much it will hurt.
There will never be enough preparation.
I miss you.
I miss even the most stupid things, like the path to you.

Oh how cruel is life.
But there ain't no rest for the wicked.

Facing the Truth
6 years ago my life changed... drastically.
We look at our past, and remember events.
Since that day, so many things happened.
I've seen deep fears come true. I've seen the selfish side of humans.
I've seen how helpless I was, and in the process, how self absorbed I acted.
I know, when people are plunged into their worst nightmares, there's little they can do to act civil, and I see how poorly, despite my age, I reacted.
My actions had their ramifications, and consequences. I've lost important friends. I saw how fragile the bonds around me really were.
I learned how to turn despair into resolution, and took arms to fight for my own freedom. But I fought the wrong battle, I fought to free myself from the shackles of responsibility, instead, I should have fought for myself, for my humanity, for being a better person.
I've paid the price. With the road I choose, the power I used, there was a cost. As I knew, it was steep, but blinded I saw no other way.
I traveled. Far, close... to many places. I've seen beauties in my country that make me proud and humble to live in this planet. I've gone abroad, with friends, and for a slight moment, on my own.
I traveled with friends. And with family too. I've seen that different places, are not so different.
Neither are people.
I've had lots of fun. I had friends to keep my mind busy most of the time. I created stories, games, songs, adventures.
I've changed jobs a few times.
I moved to a new city. And met new and incredible people.
I was robbed... twice. But, despite the frustration and injustice. It is as insignificant as a grain of sand in the beach.
Countless movies.
I've got engaged in worlds that now I hold so dearly with me.
I've bought two videos game consoles.
I got to know a face of beauty and kindness. And even though, we are apart, she gave me a lot, and I am thankful and wish everyday for her happiness.
I've got to live some adventures.
Being at a distant view, I saw the changes in bonds around me. Bonds filling with tears. I saw unexpected bonds blooming incredibly.
I heard people telling to wait.
I heard people telling me to take action.
I learned that it's not about either one. MY life, is about reacting, doing the things needed when they are needed, and waiting when it's right.
I miss the life I had.
I miss what I was.
But it's not about what could have been, or what I should have done. It's about making my life the best it will allow me to achieve.
I won't forget that day. I think I can't. I'll take it with me to my grave, or to the crematory if anyone pays attention to my desires.
But six years latter, I realized something I've known for some time.
That day, that day of the year, contrary to the first few years, is no longer a part of my life.
Despite it being a reminder that I now don't even pay attention to, I does not affect me.
My life now is fully independent from that event.
Despite what I do feel now, despite the price I paid or the memories that will serve as lesson, I don't care about that particular event anymore.
My life has found a path with no intersections with that event.
Not that I'm celebrating of complaining.
It's about accepting.
It's about me fully understanding that my life has moved on. Full of troubles and sorrows. But glowing with friends and fun. Still with a lot of opportunities. I don't need to look to the doors that were closed, or the doors that opened. I just live in a knew situation, and I'm focused in dealing with it, and not the past that led me there.
We can't fight things stronger than us. But it is still our own story, and we can answer to the call of the wind, take the stage without questioning, and act the lead role of our lives.

Daily Life
Wounded foot.
Bad salary.
No time.
Little motivation.
No company.

This is definitely not worth it.

Tending to the neglected.
Well, its not the lack of inspiration, but the lack of time that keeps me from posting here.
I'm keeping here for the important events happening, but eventually, after all this commotion passes, I'll resume my normal life, and eventual posting here.
I honestly would love to be able to make my life out of writing here and my book, but I see no income down that road, so I have a normal job, which I like, but isn't as satisfying as it could be.
In the mean time I'll be taking my vacation now. I'm going to Las Vegas for two weeks with a couple of friends.
I hope my english is up to the challenge.
Maybe I'll put up some pictures here.

See ya on the other side.

Tattoo
Just to update here with something.
I made a tattoo this weekend. And with it I wish to set apart the past from the future, leaving behind many memories and griefs, and renew the hopes of a great future.
All in all, for anyone who cares, it does hurt, what would you expect from being pierced 100 times per second?! But it is not that bad, it takes some self control, and of course good company helps, but when you come to it, it will already be over. And it is really nice to a symbol of your own. If any of you wish to make a tattoo, do it, don't take too long, and most importantly do something that means a lot to you and will forever be a part of you.

Book 2
As the story of book 1 requires lots of attention, but my mind has led me to thinking of the story of the second book. I'm proud to present my site and the publishing of the first page of my new book.
Mission Earth
I'll put a link on the side bar for anyone interested in keeping track of the story through here, though I believe it would be easier to use the RSS in the other site.

Maelstron.

Cycle.
111...
Only 4 more years left... or more precisely, less than 5 years left.
I can only wish now that next year may prove to be better, though that would be quite easy considering this year was really terrible.
Unity project has began. Maybe next year I'll have a fun prototype. I plan to begin some interesting things next year.
Lets see how things play out. Currently the cards are not in my hand.

Thank you... for... everything.

Silence
After so many events in life, after so much has happened, now my voice is silent.
I can't even imagine myself saying to someone the things I feel.
I have no one to lean on. Or at least no one I want to lean on.
It is odd. I feel like I want to jump into someone's arms, but I don't feel like I can jump into the arms of someone I know.

Shit.

By the way... my PC is down for the mean time.

Clash of Styles
Life keeps pressing on. All the rush, all the pressures, no one can stop. At least not anymore.
You have to take the offensive. Try to create you path, find your place in society. You can embrace what life gives you, but it is frowned upon if you don't do anything with it.
Everyone demands much of others. Tries to control everything.
When did we become like this?
Or more importantly... why did we become like this?
I'm not like this.
I was born to observe, to be passive, to analyze and to foresee every movement, every outcome.
I was born to take a single action to make the ripples affect everyone in a carefully planned manner.
I find myself in this paradox, where I can't sit idle and let life go by, while it is not natural for me to take point in this world. Pushing, pressing, manipulating, climbing over people.
The future is there, written... but changing every instant. Actions, passive or not changing things.
Observe the glimpses and try to make the best path you can... in your own style.

Time Sink
I've now found a new time sink.
And with it my time has decreased drastically. In inverse reason to the number of new games I purchase.
Steam's weekend deal's are too good an offer to pass. And so I experiment new games, and buy those I think will be nice.
I try to keep a good balance of things, but this is not helping.
But at least it is fun.
Especially when you get to play with friends.

Well, will try to find good words to keep posting here.

Wandering
By the time you realize all that I said was true.
By the time you discover that I was away, in the streets, observing while you enjoyed your party.
By the time you notice I'm no more.
You'll see only but the shadow that I leave behind, in the dark corner of that room.
The same as everywhere I go.