Status Attraction
People, all, have attributes that are better developed than others.
Some are wiser, or more intelligent or even stronger.
In general, each one has a main status that dictates importance. And we mostly search for someone who has a higher score in our main status.
Why is this?
We usually excel in what we consider to be best, it is unusual to find someone who is such a devotee of intelligence saying that people should be strong and not intelligent. And when we try to find someone to like, we want this person to be the best available, the best for US.
As an example. Take this social girl, all focused on looks and charisma. Usually in this example the girl would never be seen with someone who is a social outcast. To her, not being social is worse thing you can do as being.
As with me, even thought I have a history of defending well balanced status, I have a primary status in this life. I have a very nice wisdom score. I do have also a good intelligence, and reasonable dexterity, but all else are below average. To me, someone who is not intelligent, is someone hard to live with, and someone without wisdom and common sense in unbearable.
There is a reason why most time people marry someone from work, or an old friend. It is because through time, only those you respect are worth your effort, and those are the ones with your preferred status.

The End of Luck
Since I was a child, I've considered myself to be lucky.
I don't know where it came from.
Maybe it was the games that I won, or maybe the way I roll dice.
Along with this, there was the legend, of those who were much more luckier, when around me, at the same time making me unlucky.
But I've been playing and saying that I have a basic bonus to all that is based on random chance.
Now, in the face of the recent events I can't say this anymore.
Since the year began, I've lost nearly all games I played, lost most opportunities to play the games that I wanted, had two orders stuck in customs, with a highly abusive tax over them (these were all of the games I ordered for me, those I got for others did not stop at customs), and of course, my car was stolen.
Only two weeks into the year, and I just know it will suck.
And now I'm in a new city, with a new job, that does not pay too much. And everything is just going to be hard.
I keep saying to myself, "I used to be a fighter.". I did. I tried not to let these kind of things get to me. But life took its toll.
In short, I have no fucking idea where it went, but I definitely have no more luck, not even to take a bus to a movie on time.

Change of Subject...
I was gonna say something different today, seeing that I was having some good time at work, but as usual, life makes a sudden change of subject.

Then I shall only say.

My car was stolen. Two days into work. Less than 15 days in my hands of the last 5 months, including the day I got it, and the accident.

The new year.
365 days we go through every year (give or take)
As you go old, each day/week/month seems to go by faster.
And with time passing faster, changes come every more often.
We may fight it, but we can't change it. We can barely avoid some of the worst changes.
It seems like yesterday. I had a terrible accident.
It's been 4 months.
I also changed jobs.
And with the new job, I'm going to another city.
I started wearing glasses.
It has been too much.
I took a time off, going to my aunt's country house. It was nice. But not perfect.
This new year has not started well.
And as dealing with some people has become a sad reminder of a past that shall be my future, and my parents have been demanding a lot from me, I feel really tired.
I want to get away.
I want to break free from my past.
Sometimes I think the only way I have to regain the lost part of my soul is to get away from everything from my past. Start fresh from scratch.
Of course, it would be a great sacrifice, one that I technically don't want to do, after all there is too much to lose, and no guarantee that something will be gained.
But I'm more than tired of walking alone. Of feeling inferior to others, because I don't excel at anything.
Most importantly, I miss that feeling of having someone to waste time with, someone that I don't want to do anything, just be together and waste time.
I'll miss those long talks on the bed/sofa and the random bursts of music that bonds. And I'll forever be grateful for that marvelous song you introduced me to.
But I must go. I've been slowly becoming evil, exactly the sort of person I dislike. The one that needs attention, that thinks of the reward of being nice to someone else. I hate wanting someone that goes through some effort for me. I probably hate this more because no one...
Maybe someday I'll go back to being a person dedicated to make others smile, just happy to see them smile.
To bad I'll never gain that smile back.
Either way, I'm trying to put the last of my strengths to becoming the best at my job.
I'll try to post more when I'm settled with internet at my new home.
And hopefully I'll get to live alone for time enough to relax.

Shaken to the Core
I'm to say, I'm always impressed by how unstable, weak, I am.
Most people are, I believe.
It only takes the right amount of words at the right time to throw someone off track.
Of course I may fall easier... after all, I can see the ripples. I see meaning where others see not. I see intentions where only words stand.
Everyday, every decision I plan to make, is followed by a flash. Think of it like this.
You're standing in the middle of a forest, and it is reasonably dark. There are four trails to follow from where you are. Each time you look into a direction, you see a vision as if you chose that way, and were going at a very high speed, with the trees in the path passing really fast. You can't make details of the path, but you can see some of the dangers, some of the challenges.
That is the main feeling of a ripple. When you make a decision, that wave of consequences that leaves you passes all around, changing things.
People like me can sense ripples. I could always tell when something odd was about to happen. I felt the ripple before the event. Now I'm not in the shape to do this.
But I still get shaken by some simple words, and glimpse through the ripples of these words, and follow the trail of meanings and consequences of this sentence, only to be reminded that in the end...
It is strange how we weave shreds of hope. Where we find reason to go on.
It is equally odd, to see a small shred being ripped from you, like a patch on a farmers pants being ripped away.
I know not what is sadder. To have lost, or not feeling too sad about the loss.
It was one of the few shreds I had left.
All because of one sentence.
Maybe I should stop looking into the meaning of things...

Chances
I could hear that sound: "tu-tum", followed by the sound of chains grinding against each other.
Something held back.
Hesitation?
I pushed forward. The sound faded. Or I grew used to it.
Something moved. It did little but to shift sideways, enough for me to feel its presence.
Hope?
The path followed a long way before it came to a trisection.
There was a decision to be made, and not much time about it.
How to decide, when they all seem so different and lead to unknown futures?
It all comes to chance in the end.
We try to analyze the status, I for one usually trail only those with high status, we think about the consequences in the other paths and sometimes we give it to random chance.
I had only one high status path, but it lead towards a road I knew would be a dead end, if it didn't change along the way. And as though it would be a fun path, it did not seem to lead to a good outcome.
The other two were reasonably new, even though I had passed near one of them in the past. None showed much promise and they didn't meet the basic expectations I usually have.
But I took the chance, and went for the most clear, accessible and with high gamble way.
I may regret along the way not having chosen another path, but I would regret it the same anyway. Maybe this will turn for the best.
Contradiction?
But I still believe the path for me lies beyond that huge blanket of water.

Paths
It is around my birthday that I become uncomfortable.
It is the defined time of the year that I become anxious. It's been like this for 110 years now.
Mostly to me it is a reminder of things that are not.
But it's also usually a time of weird things happening.
I'm facing paths.
Weird and unbalanced ones.
Unstable and without promises.
Either way I go, doesn't seem to change much for me. Some seem to lead to enjoyable moments, that may be followed by some regret and pain, while others lead a more familiar and bland path.
It is always the simple gestures that get me.
A kiss, some kind words, or even the slight gift of hope.
Company is usually appreciated, but less important since it is a reflection of a custom in our society.
In the end, I'm left lonely, with a lot to think about. And each day less time to either think of enjoy the stuff I like.
But maintenance must be done... and with it, I must choose paths and products that will result in a better road.
At least I don't put hope in finding a good road anymore. After all, there is now less than 6 years.

Shut Up!!!
Have you ever felt the quiet and unsatisfied urge to raise from your desk and yell "shut up" to someone who was saying something completely, mindbogglingly stupid?
I am proud of knowledge, and arrogant about my attitude. I say this now, because of what I'm gonna tell.
I recently joined this course about computer animation applied to games. The first part of the course encompasses art concepts, drawing, perspective and such things. The classes consist of series of exercises about drawing. And it is not something very serious, so most of the time there are people conversing, be it about the concepts seen in class, asking the teacher about something or plain talking nonsense with a friend.
I remain silent most of the time, placing a witty comment here and there where it seems fit to apply. I prefer the role of observer, as I stated many times, and so I hear what others say, all while trying to make use of the little artistic skill I have.
I first was in the saturday night class. I had an acquaintance there, and people were nice. But sometimes the things I had to hear were just too much for me. Those people are very strong minded, showing opinions without knowledge, or with biased facts. Not to mention, inappropriate topics, such as discussing hentai. Heck, I don't mind it, but there is a place and time to talk about it, and doing so publicaly is not appropriate with people you don't know. I could not restrain myself from thinking "what the hell, I'm I surrounded by 14 year olds?".
Maybe I'm being too uptight. Still, I managed to keep silent.
I changed to the tuesday/thursday class so I could free my saturday, which has proven to be more than precious to me.
This is a change I came to regret. Though I will not change back, there were some inconveniances about it. The first and offtopic was the train is extremely crowded all the way.
But continuing, I've seen one class only in the new group. New people, new talks. Unfortunaly far more stupid topics.
Come on, it has been some time since I've heard this level of stupidity. At one point I really considered getting up and shouting "shut up you ignorant twerp". There seem to be a group of old friends who wouldn't be silent for even a minute. I'd venture to say the brain age of the group was near 10 years old. While the group seemed older, between 15 and 20, their words clearly did not mach their bodies.
The irony of it all. The "leader" of the group, was the one who had a girlfriend there. A beautiful one to. It's not only that I can't get up and yell "shut up", or that I "HAVE" to listen to all the crap, but in the end I don't even get to say that he won't get laid so soon.
I wonder if people are becoming more stupid, I'm becoming more demanding about people and/or I ventured into this weird place of low intellect.

Rocknrolla
This is a great movie.
Really well put together.
The music fits it like a glove.
And the ending is great.
Expectation build up is good.
And the intro music - "I'm a man" from Black Strobe - just won't leave my head. I just want to hear more of it.
If you're not into the type of movie, at least search the music on youtube and see if you like it.

The firefly night.
They say it takes a catastrophe to make us appreciate something in our lives.
I never disagreed but this last one was rather unusual.
There I was surfing the net, and watching the last two laps of the F1 race, when suddenly this lightning strikes in the middle of the rain and blackouts the whole region.
Ok I didn't see the last laps, but heard on the radio the results. Unimportant. After some time and a nap, it was already night and no prospect of getting the lights back.
My parents had things to do, and I much preferred to have something electronic to play with. But nothing. Eventually we hear a strange sound in the street and hoping it had something to do with the repair guys I went outside to see if there was one of those spinning lights from an official car.
It was pitch black. The clouds covered the sky, no lights in some good distance.
That is when I saw. There were an incredible amount of fireflies blinking in my yard, all of them hoping to find a mate. But to me, it was all a light show.
Go fireflies, I hope you find your partners, or whatever the hell works for you.

Poetry
I've been looking into some old poetry.
I was once good at it.
I could rhyme.
Put feeling in a harmonious way.
And say beautiful things to someone.
What makes me sad, is to think that I haven't written any poetry in years. That that part of me is dead, or at least in deep slumber.
I miss those old days.

Tired
Lately I've been too tired to come and post something worthy here.
I just don't feel like looking around for something anymore.
I can only go forward by ignoring what I'm doing and why.
All seems so futile.
Now I only remain tired.
Well no point hanging here, off to the showers and then to bed.

Not Average
I believe in something more.
That is not very new.
I just can't accept that humans are just that. That this world sucks the way it does, and there is no hope of something mystical and interesting for us to discover. There has to be some variable that general sciences forgot to take into consideration.
But that is not the point.
I find that while I lack any explicit power, I have my own set of "powers" the while not so palpable still mark me as not average.
My own perception, about things, people and surroundings is very strong. And so I keep an eye for any person that is out of the average.
Recently I've seen two worthy of mentioning. I still wonder whether they knew about themselves or even about me, but I left quietly, just wondering.
The bus stop brings many different people. It is easy to find someone that get your attention. But this girl had something different. Something nearly invisible. A thin thread. One that extended from her and went lost into the crowd. For some time it seemed to come in my direction, but it changed courses as soon as I noticed it. The thread kept strong with the girl who after some time was moving through the crowd outwards to see if her bus was coming. Interesting how 20 people failed to notice the thread among them, and I sat there far away, just watching the thread to see what it was doing. Of course, I was limited to seeing it whenever the sun reflected in it. At all other times it was completely invisible.
I take the train a lot, during this last month. But I've taken the subway very few times. There are always good and bad things about this. But when it comes to people, both are about the same as in quantity, but only one had this man.
I was going to meet with my friends, so I took the subway, fastest way, and free connection with the train I was already in. When I got to the station, I went underground, and took a right to go to one end of the subway. I've seen many strange things, like people kicking the air, but this guy really got me. It was a brief moment, he was standing the way super heroes pose in stories, head forward, a bit upward, hands in his waist, one leg a bit higher and bent, the other straight. He wore a white coat, like a doctor, or a scientist. Even with no subway passing, his coat fluttered in the wind. I could feel his presence, he stood out. Not many have this aura.
It seems ordinary.
But these things you can only feel.
I can't say it is about faith, but it my faith and that is all that matters to me.

With a little help from my friends.
This song has been haunting me for some time now since the accident.
I have a wonderful remix of it, the kind that makes you jump through the streets wanting to sing it, like in a movie or musical.
Most people know this song from The Beetles, written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney.
It is overall a great song, but I'll focus on one sentence here.
"I get by with a little help from my friends."
This is something really nice to say.
Most people can.
It is interesting how this can be perceived. I went for the more literal interpretation, as in friends actively helping, being nice, doing favors and planning things for you. There was an approach I didn't contemplate about this sentence. Little help, in the REALLY little meaning, can mean the case in which your friends play the role of plain distraction. And I don't mean distraction in an insulting manner.
We need distractions, because our life is a toad. The more we get, the sooner we get to a new place, with new perspectives. So it works as having a nice enough time to go on another day.
We get a distraction to gamble another day.
It is in fact accurate to the song, but a little frustrating if you ask me.
Still in this world, where I barely see the people I like, and I have one distraction that is important with my friends, and I play tabletop games with my boss, that despite the differences is becoming a nice friend, giving advice, and seemingly taking an interest in my life.
Things are weird.
Then again... I'm in no condition to expect more from life.

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 28 ~
"Yesterday I've visited the kingdom of Altenac. It is famous for the science it develops, and a good use of new technologies.
The city had a very interesting layout, though I prefer the more classic kingdoms. One thing struck me as interesting.
I know we all come from different backgrounds, and while I'm a traveling spiritualist, I don't expect people to be all in tune with their spirits. By all means. But these people, strong in spirit or not, they don't seem to have any perception at all about their surroundings.
People from all kinds of places walking hastily through the city, all minding their own affairs. But this was all too quick, no one stopped to greet one another, or even look around.
There I was, walking the street, calmly one step after the other, everyone passing by. No one noticed me, but a few kids who bumped into me at a corner. I'm used to not being noticed, but while I was not, I did notice everyone.
The sir in blue overcoat did not notice the paint almost falling on him from the support at the stair he passed under. The lady in the yellow dress did not notice she nearly bumped into the swordsman carrying a set of new swords, all pointing out. The man in a lab coat was walking and reading a news journal, he didn't even bother to look at the beautiful young girl, with less than usual clothes carving on a wooden side in the middle of the sidewalk. In fact, no one but her boss seemed to notice her. And she did not notice the orlagus walking towards her with wet intentions.
People walk around, oblivious to what happens around them, they ignore other people. It is a weird world this one. I have much to see. I hope my business here does not take long, so I can leave before I become lost like them.
It is still good to feel everyone near me. Thought these troubling times have taken away the fun in feeling their emotions. Specially in this cold town.
~ End of Part 28 ~

Forbidden Excitement
Yey, ranting month. How I hate this, but at least the month is almost over.
This last month has been a constant reminder that I can't get what I want.
False, that is not entirely true. I just can't get anything that is just important enough to make me excited about it.
I'll dispense some examples, trying to enumerate all that has come and gone in the course of about 25 days or so.
For some time I had been thinking about getting a new car, and saving some money for it. Suddenly (not without warning) my parents get me a new car, close enough to what I would buy. I was enjoying it very much, being very careful with it, and planning the new car sound system. Then came the accident, and with it the destruction of the car. It was so new, I didn't even have time to take it to place the tracker for the insurance company (which I was going to do the next day).
My best friend spent a whole year in Switzerland working on the construction of the Large Hadron Collider, and after so much time he was coming back and I could see him. Of course I was excited, I was thinking about all the games we would play, how he would join the rpg group again. Unfortunately for me, he came the same fatted day of the accident, so I could not go and greet him at the airport, as planned.
I got in touch with some people from a company that developed games. I was very hopeful I could get a minimally decent sallary from them and finally go to work with something I like. turns out I would gain almost the same as the intern sallary, but would have the expenses of living in another city.
For those who know me, I've showed that I don't care much for fancy cellphones. The proof of it is that I have a 6 years old celular, that has no games, no basic visual interface where one could put a wallpaper, it can't take pictures, it doesn't have alarm, you get the picture. I rant a lot saying the phones should do what they are meant to do well. They should call from everywhere, should be able to send text messages and some basic features such as alarms are more than welcome. But everything else is just uneccessary fancyness, that does very little for the owner. No, the pictures will never be as beautiful, it will never store as much mp3, or will have good games as will the respective dedicated devices. The only point anyone has in this is that they now do everything, but with inferior quality. So ok, back to the point. Finally for many circunstances I've been persuaded to buy a new celular. At first I wasn't very happy about it, but seeing a simple model, that could play mp3s as ringtones (the main attraction for me), I was starting to get happy with the idea, thinking about calling my friends without fear of wasting money, and things like this. But two times I went to the store, only to leave empty handed because I didnt have enough documents to set things up. Ironically enough, this is the same service provider my current cellphone uses. I was just trying to go from prepaid, to a postpaid service, and exchange the phone for a new one according to their offers, but keeping the same number.
For two times already, in the two weeks I've been on the new job, I've been programming enthusiatically, finally enjoying a bit of what I do, when I bump into a problem, a bug. But not just any bug, one that makes me lose about 10 hours of work, and have to redo most of what I did. And this only happens when I'm having fun.
Last, and least important. There is this girl on the building where I work. I've asked if we could have lunch together someday, and she smillingly said yes. Eventually we agreed, not firmly I believe, on a day. The day began very nice, I don't think very often that the day seems like a good day. The wheather was nice, there was sun shinning, the train was considerably empty, and all was well. Well, that was it for nice. The rest we spiralling to a sucky day, work was going awfull, she declined the lunch, weather turning bad. You know, I don't expect her to be interested in me, I'd only like to have a nice lunch with someone nice. If she doesn't want to associate with me, fine, say it to my face. But after some days of nice and simple small talk, the day I'm excited about having lunch with someone potentially interesting, is the day she doesn't seem to be interested in giving me any attention.

Full rant written. But there is also the analisys.
Like I said, the chances of me getting something, even the satisfaction from it, is inversely proportional to the excitement I'm feeling about it.
The last girl I was exited about being with brokeup with me before I could celebrate we being together.
The last ending I saw of a game that I had great hopes for turned out to be one of the worst endings I've ever seen.
When I got into the singing class at USP, I got kicked out of the quire because I didn't have the skill needed. Not something unfair, just one more thing that failed when I was into it.
Even in the Smash Brothers Brawl championships I go, whenever I'm exited I just go worse. The one I won, I was so apathic about it that I barely celebrated.
Heck I'd like to find a counter example but it has been so long since I've gotten a good output from something I had high expectations that I can't even track back that far.
Last time I felt this was about 12 years ago when I bought this video game, but since I was in the US I could not play it for the next two weeks of the vacation, so I had to keep reading the game's manual. The thing was so mesmerizing that after a few days I was actually feeling like going back home earlier, because I wanted to play the game, and the trip seemed less interesting. For my luck, the game turned out to be better, and to this day I consider it the best game I have ever played.

It is incredibly costing to live a life where your hopes are crushed without chance. Where you'd better have a life without hope, because only then things turn out better. It is hard.
And I am too damn tired to do it.
I'm really considering taking a timeoff this world. Not the job since I can't take a vacation or anything yet, but from my world. Isolate myself in a caccon of games, food and internet, until I heal a bit... let's see what I shall do.

Staring
- I find myself looking into my past.
- How so?
- I look into the ripples from my past, sense them, observe them.
- Things that happened and changed your life?
- Things, objects. You pick up a piece from your past. Be it abstract as a song, or solid as ring. It is a direct link to your past. You only need to cross the wall dividing mere memory, from a piece of life.
- Sounds difficult. Isn't it dangerous?
- Of course. One's past is always dangerous, but just as much as one's future. The difference is that you can't walk into the other way.
- Why do you stare?
- ...
- ...
- ...
- ... wh...
- Because it holds the only clues I have to find what I've lost. To understand my choices. To pass the time until a better present comes. There are too many reasons to stare. The only thing that makes me look forward is a mixture of fear and repulsion.

The Life is a Toad
So, one day I'm the proud owner of a new car, had the house to myself, was enrolled in a japanese course, going to a free training in Photoshop & Maya, had the perspective of getting a job in the area I wanted.
Suddenly, I'm walking about a mile to get to the train to got to work, not enrolled in the japanese course, not going to the training, and stuck for some months on a job that is quite dull and mindless, not in the area I like, for the next 4 months or so.
No, I did not hit the twilight button or something.
This is all simple reverberations from the accident. I'm still getting used to the new life, considering it all changed in about a week or so.
Last week was really random, some days I had a lift from my boss, other my dad took me shopping for some basic things I would need, like social clothing (ha... imagine me using a social pants and shirt to go to work. Almost seems like a nightmare.), food and to take care of some insurance problems.
I've been throwing around the "I've been in an life changing accident." lately. Not to get sympathy, as this does not seem to strike sympathy. But more to get people to think more before they complain about things.
People from all the places still come to me and say the know people who have brain problems like mine, and that they live under medication, but live a normal life. My parents also keep saying I'll live a normal life. Little they are able to realize that I haven't lived a normal life in quite some time now, and now I'm a lot farther from it. Where did human kind go that saying others are worse than you should make you feel better? Come on, if I'd think that meant something I could always think about african cities that live under wars, people starve, and have to work 16 hours a day from 7 years old, just to make it alive.
The irony, is that some of those people are far happier than me. Not because I am ungrateful, but because happiness varies from person to person. And my life has taken me down a road that is hopeless, in the lack of a better word.
My boss tells me the things he has to organize in order to get some business, how he works on the weekends to keep a contact with a possible contract for us to work. He tells me about the taxes we pay.
In the end he shows the simple things, which I've come to realize a long time ago, but accomplishing has been more than hard, while life sucks, all you can do is enjoy the things you like, because next week it all starts again. He said: "The life is a toad." in a literal and accurate translation. And I find it a perfect description.
This life we are forced to life is more than ugly. Poisonous sometimes. It gets by with weird hops, slimming its way from here to there. But from time to time we find a special gift to make it seem more fun and happy.
There is no way to predict the future. That is what most believe.
Maybe you'll win the lottery next week.
The only thing to do is keep on going. It is either that, or die.
Why worry about life. It is all random chance.
So take your odds. Gamble a bit every now and then. Maybe luck will shine your way.

The Value of a Second
An hour has 3600 seconds. We have 24 hours in our day.
This may seem like a lot of seconds.
A second may seem like such a small fragment of time. And that is why everyone takes it for granted.
But people tend to forget that most important things happen in a split second.
The second has a special property of stretching when appropriate.
You've seen this. Just think back.
That second during a deep breath before making a life changing decision. The instant you gaze upon your love's eyes right before you confess your feelings. The second of the first kiss. The moment you jump to intercept a bullet for someone special.
A second can mean the difference between life and death. You can leave early and avoid a car accident, or be just in time to become part of it.
Every single event in your life is ruled by the seconds leading to it. Either that yellow light you choose to cross, or extra time you take in the morning to wake up.
It is easy to waste a second, but one should learn to enjoy those precious seconds, because you never know when a second will stop your life short, or when that special moment will end. Enjoy those seconds to their fullest. Don't complain about not having more time, because you have just enough, you just keep forgetting.
Everyone forgets.

Impairment
I've avoided it my whole life.
I've lied about it.
I've found ways to circumvent this problem.
But life let me live in peace for too long.
This friday I was in an accident. I had a convulsion, hit the car in front of me, and hit a lamp pole a few meters back.
You see, I have a condition, and even though I take my medicine everyday without fault, my body sometimes has these episodes.
Physically I am fine. The only thing that hurts is my tongue. But since when do I care about the body's condition?!
The thing is, now that even under medication, I had an accident in my car, I'll probably won't be able to drive ever again. I like to drive. And... and I'd just gotten a new car from my parents 8 days prior to the episode.
Now, I face a severely sadder future. I won't have the freedom to have a car and move around. I have no idea how this will affect my future jobs.
Most of the time I think I should not have survived the accident. Things would be easier.
I can't stand people coming to me and trying to convince me that I'm normal, that a huge percentage of the population has the same problems as me.
I guess no one has any idea how this affects me.
And all to think that I've done my best to be a good person. Helpful, caring. In the end, there is no justice in the world. At least not in my life.