Why is it so hard?
Hell, it shouldn't be so hard! Why does it have to be like this...
Why do people try to destroy each moment, is it so hard to let someone enjoy it?
Why is it so necessary to criticize others? Some are trying to do something nice, is it too hard to spare a nice word?
Why is it so hard to stop complaining, why don't I just shut up?
Why is it so hard to accept simple things?
Why am I unable to make someone feel better? Does no one care for what I can give, or I became a lousy helper?
Why is it so hard to find someone that likes you? Most people I know do not seem to have a problem with that, did I miss some basic definition?
Why is it so hard to make company to someone?
Why are people so stubborn, can't they admit what others say, accept what others offer or believe what others teach them?
Why is it so hard to give up, and at the same time so hard to keep trying?
Why is it so hard to be nice to others?
Why don't you hear me, why don't you call me, why don't you keep your promisses, why don't you tell me, why don't you share your problems, why don't you spare me from your troubles, why don't you make me company, why don't you come see me, why don't you do something for me, why don't you do me a favor, why don't you give me your hand, why don't you want to see me, why don't you sleep with me, why don't you stay here? Will I ever find someone?
Why don't I shut up, why can't I sleep in peace, why do I worry everytime you are not smiling, why do I try to help you even when you don't help me, why do I have to be alone, why am I so tired, why am I so sad, why don't I cry, why do I smile, why do I feel scared, why don't I leave you alone for a while, why can't I find someone that loves me? What should I do?
As I stand confused, I feel like I know as much as a five years old, I do not need to know the answer to these questions, maybe I would like to know only one answer.
So many relationships, so many troubles with people, did I cause all this? Is it because of my choices that I am here? Do I bring suffering to others? Will I ever find peace?
As I was watching this stupid movie I read this: If there is no point in life, what the hell would be the point in death? Even if I think I know the answer, I find amusing the funny sence it makes.
I don't know what to do in my life. Should I try to engage some talk? Shoul I stay quiet and let things cool down? Should I try to meet someone new, but where? Should I sleep 24 hours straight? Should I wait for someone to come? What should I do, let time fly away?
I sometimes wish I could hear your voices here, would like you to say something. But I guess no one should say something if they don't want.
As my eyes start to close without my permition I should go to sleep, but I am afraid of the tomorrow. I hope someone can say something nice in the next days, even if a simple I like you...

Ok...I admit.
I have been somewhat of a nuisance to some people in the last year.
I want to apologize. Maybe I should have kept my problems to myself. Maybe I should have tried to be a nice person. Maybe I could have done things differently, but now everything is done, and I can't take it back.
I want to tell everyone that I loved every single time you heard me, and I hope that I could give back the moments of joy you gave me, or at least I hope I can do that someday.
Thanks for being my friends.
I hope I can be your friend as well.
Please, tell me if I am bothering you. As a friend I never wanted to be a burden, but I get carried away when we talk.
I get sad when any of you is not ok. I know sometimes it is not in my power to make you feel happy, but I want to push my limit, so one day I may be able to help, when you least expect.
I feel happy whenever I remember your smiles. Your kisses and hugs are the reason I go on. They give me the hope and energy to dream.
I am here to talk whenever you want, tell me how to be a better friend, teach me new things, and learn with me if I can teach you something.
Sorry for every pain I caused. I know I lost some friends because of this, and I don't want the see that happen again.
I pray you will be happy, and I will try to do everthing in my power to make you happier every day.
It is a shame that most of you won't read this, but it matters not, I will do my best to make my wishes of happiness come true nonetheless.
I hope I find the energy for that... but I know it is hidden in your smile.

A Whirlpool
It has been a long journey. About seven years now, and I must confess I am pretty tired.
I look back into the places I have been through, and I smile thinking of how long it has been since any quiet moment.
I always enjoyed the feeling of relaxing calmly in a quiet place, just appreciating the view, and for the last years I have been running away as fast as I can so my problems, pains and regrets wouldn't catch up with me.
On the good side, I have been through a lot of interesting places. On the bad side I could not spend as much time in each one as I would like.
I remember that years ago I started travelling in the high grounds of some valleys, with some people, and after the hard hit of a fog, we got separated, and I ended up crossing the valley through a five miles bridge. The wind was very strong and the bridge was insanely high, and as I was wounded it took me some time to cross it.
On the other side I came to a forest, a very dark, very humid forest. The high number of trees made it difficult to cross, and the lack of light also made it a hard trial. I felt alone most of the time, but sometimes I could feel there was someone there with me, and that gave me some peace in the right moments.
As I left the forest I reached this region where it is always night, with no stars or moon to give any light. As I went on, I had to face some major challenges some of them took their toll, others took their time to heal and some were replaced by deeper wounds.
Recently I got out of that region, and came acrosse this huge plains, going as far as my eye can see. I have been going down with it, and it appears to be the crossing of valleys, as I can see opening in the mountains to the left, the right, and up front. The wind has been hitting very hard. Now I reached the center of the plains and got surprised by this whirlwind.
As my emotions were already severed, and things have been confusiong in all this travelling. I must admit, this whirlwind struct me with a confusion that took over most of my thoughts. I am now holding my left arm up to cover my face, my right arm in my chest to protect my heart, and I am trying to walk forward with only the deafening sound of rushing wind.
I feel lost, I have no idea where to go. I feel weak, and want to lie down for sometime. I want someone to take me out of this place, I am too confused, and just want to feel my self again. My knees are finally asking me to stop.
I want to hear a voice, a voice I know. I want to hear your voice.
I hope you are still there.

The Bright Night
As time seems to be playing a joke on me, the last event had a twins sister.
Sunday night, I was uneasy. Maybe it was all the study that is needed to be done, or I was tired of the few sleep hours, maybe I was worried with my friend, or my other friend, I couldn't tell, but because of it I was tossing and turning in bed until two thirty in the morning, when I decided to get a drink, and try to calm myself to sleep.
As I crossed the living room, I felt like something was out of place, the curtains were all open, when they should be closed, of course, my parents are away from home, so I am responsible for house maintenance. But still, it was not the curtains that was wrong, and as I went to close them I realized it was too bright for this time of the night. I thought it could be the outer lights of the house, but when I turned them of, I saw my garden with such light, that you could see everything in it. The light came not from the house, or from the neighbors, in a really odd way, the light came from the sky.
The night was really cloudy, and not even in a perfectly clear sky, with full moon, I have seen such clarity in this time of night.
I closed all the curtains, went to my bedroom, and after some time I fell asleep. I still feel uneasy, and I do not know why, but as I hope it passes soon, I just wish that someday near, I may have a friend to talk with me for a whole day.

A Dark Day
As the day before had it surprises, and some misteries, I woke up.
I was tired, had only a few hours of sleep for the past days. I was worried about a friend, but I was still relaxed from the company the day before.
When I steped out of my house, something strange caught my atention. It was past six in the morning, and as I was used to wake up this time of the morning, or sometimes sleep about this hour, I was used to the clarity of the first rays of sun light, still unable to reach my house, but already illuminating the sky. But today was different, it had no light, the birds did not sing, it still felt like night. When I play RPG with my friends, they sometimes leave at this time of the morning, before we go to sleep, and most times, when I go up the stairs to say goodbye, I find the next day newspaper in the front of my garage, but not today, even the delivery boy was late.
It was as if the world had shifted one hour into the past.
After sometime stand in the middle of the street, looking into this dark sky, on the dark day, I recovered and walked towards the car, as my next destiny was the airport.

Foresight.
Well, I bring on a proud statement. That very few things in my life did surprise me. Of course, the fact that I don't like most things that happened in my life would make me feel stupid, for if I knew it would happen, why didn't I avoid it?!
Well, in my defence, even if I believe one can see into the future, I believe that most times anyone sees into the future, they can see the future only because they can't change it .
In my case, I tried to avoid some things, failed to believe others or simply thought that sometimes it was for the best. I wouldn't say I regret my decisions, most of them, despite all the pain, most I would do the same over and over. It is stupid, but it is what I believe is right. So as my motto stands, I won't give up, at least not for now, and will try to make the best out of it.
Getting to the point, I am here so I can allow myself to brag a bit. Some things have been going on, and I want to give a warning, mainly to myself. I usually doubt my foresight until it already happened, but to be fair, I will try believing before.
As I stand now, one third of my soul, I would be suspicious to say this, but I sense the end of the last third. I can feel the reality shapping around me, it has this sound, like everything has an echo. It feels like I am in this black blanket of water, as far as the eye can see, I can hear these drops, and sometimes even see them, then I look down to the surface of the black water, and I can see the ripples of these drops, some are colliding with others, some are fading alone, some fall so close to another that they send a bigger ripple together.
As I see some events, and their ripples, the sound of the drops start to become a different sound, it still has this water efect around it, but it is not like the drops on the lake, it is more like...hummmmm...like steps in the water covered street.
The scenery changes, I start seeing as in from another's eyes. This third person view moves away from me, but it keeps me on the center of the picture. I am standing in the middle of the street, it is my soul, it has this glow around it and is covered with red spots, it seems tired. It is raining, but I am standing still there, watching over the people moving around in the street, these people are only black shadows of people, but somehow I seem to know some of those shadows. I stand there looking in the space between two houses, I seem surprised, and afraid, but from my point of view I can't see what I am looking at. The steps I was hearing are getting stronger, whoever is walking is getting close. Now I can see, this man, unlike the shadows he has a form, but he wears a black overall and wide black hat, so I can't see who it is, or if it is man, women or even human. He is coming from behind, but I don't seem to notice, it must be something really important to stand there with such attention. My view gets a little blurred, so I instinctively try to blink, I have no idea why this would ever work, I have no body, it is standing in front of me, guess it is just reflex. When I open my eyes, I am back in my body, I feel covered in fear, if anyone could see me I would be as white as a ghost, I know there is someone behind me, but I don't seem to be able to move. Then... my blood stops flowing, as I hear the clicking sound of the striker being pulled back, the sound of the bullet rolling from the chamber into the barrel. It was all confusing, how I could hear so clearly in the rain, why was this person doing this, why was I unable to move, and what in all seven heavens did I see between those houses. So, as I hear the trigger being pulled I know I can't dodge, I know this is the end, I will not know why, but at least I could die knowing what was beyond the houses.
As the light caught my eyes, revealing that simple, somewhat beautiful, image, I heard the sound of the pistol firing, it was only time enough for me to think that I should not have seen that image. Then I feel the sound of the water fading away, with all light, and the rest of my soul.
When I open my eyes again, I am back to third view, and I see myself, but I am not dead? Then it hits, that was my soul, and there is no glow around me, just a faint red color that is all over me, my soul was dead, but I was not, I was...was oddly peaceful.
This is just for the record. I pray that I am wrong, but if I am not, I at least get to say, I told you so.

Unchanging Changes
I realized, in the most bizarre way possible, that things have taken a course I did not expect.
As I was my whole life, I am afraid of changes. I didn't want to change schools, I was afraid of going to college because I did not know if I would meet anyone. I never wanted anything to change, and as life carries on I could not avoid some major changes, no changes were deeply bad, some may have caused some pain, but I never seen a change in my life that really made me regret it.
After many thoughts I came across the words I told myself. It was one unusual day, I was having some discussions over msn, and trying to get a grip of my emotions. As someone told me I would have to change, and as I said I could not change, one voice inside me said:
- Hey your life has changed many times, and you never had as much problem as you imagined the changes would bring, so just wait and things will change in time.
So came the answer that made me shake:
- But, even with some many changes in life, you are just as you were many years ago, your life is not much different from your past!
I stopped to think about this... and it was true.
I fought my whole life against the changes happening, and where I thought I had failed, in reality, I suceeded. Of course, many things in my life have changed, but looking over the great picture, it is just the same, I still am going do school(college), I am still single(oh crud! ^^), I still have troubles to see my friends(like that would ever change), and so on.
I live the same life as before, but with new components, new people, new challenges. Lets say I am still fighting the same battle, but now I have new enemies, new weapons, new clothes, new surroundings.
I wonder if I can, or should, change the great picture, most little changes I do not like, but I think it is because they are little that I don't mind the changes, I think things should change on their own natural way.
But as things go, the thing that bothers me is that it all was kind of expected... almost like I could tell before things happened, but that is going to be my next topic.

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 19 ~
"... then we just have to reach the top of the peak, should be easy if it weren't for all the monsters. If only he was here with us, this could be an easier mission.
- I get it will be dificult, but together we can face most monsters without much trouble.
- Probably. - he replied with a simple shrug, while he tried to spot anything unusual up ahead.
- So why he would make such a difference if he was here? He didn't seem so much powerful, as to my own understanding I could face him, and maybe win.
- You could win, maybe with not much effort, but that is only because he is much weaker than usual. He is much more powerful than you think.
- How come? - he asked with sudden interest.
- He should be using about one tenth of the power I know he can tap into. Just so you have a comparing ground.
- One tenth? - he asked in surprise, he fought many power people in his life, but such kind of power was still unknown to him. - But that would make him... no, that kind of power is far beyond human.
- Actually, some of us can reach about six or seven times his current power, and only with extreme need and danger. There is a slight difference in the ways to his power and to our power.
- What do you mean? - the look on his face showed the mix of passing surprise and coming confusion, it was quite funny, if anyone was in the mood to laugh.
- Ok guess you never learned this. Well, when it comes to power everyone has to have a source from where to draw this power. Like for example some have greed and lust, others have revenge and some have faith. Some of these powers are sources of great power, and many strong people draw their power from them, they are love, friends, family, honor, ideals, justice, faith and survival. Two reasons are worth of mentioning. Some people fight for love, not the relationship love, they fight for their love for someone, in this case the one fighting is willing to die to make sure the one they love is happy and safe, and if anything threatens the one they love they tap into a power and go beserk until they remove the threat, the problem is when you have no one you love that much, when that happens people who draw their power from this simply fight like a weak goblin, because they have no will to fight. Another type you should fear is those who have nothing alse to lose. These people are willing to fight against anything because they have no attachment to life, and since there is nothing to hold them back in battle they enter a stage of trance with the energy flowing around them and fight with imense power. As the one before there is also a drawback to this kind of power, give anyone who has nothing to lose something to be attached to, and they will stop fighting in fear of being separated from their reason to live.
He paused searching for words, his companion was listening with curiosity and attention so he would not be interrupted. He looked around their surroundings, the rocky trail going up the mountain had been their route, the one they would follow for one more day, at least he hoped that it would take only one more day. As he focused he resumed the subject.
- Even if he fights for the sake of the world, even if he fights because he thinks it is right, or to bring justice. He can fight for many reasons, but the fact is, he only fights because he is needed. You may have noticed he never drew his sword in battle, or he never attacked first in combat, he only attacks when someone near him is put in danger, or when he has to defend himself, but you never seen him attack to kill another living creature.
As he looked puzzled by this new insight, he said some words.
- Ok, he is a pacifist, that is true, but I never gave much thought about it. But if his powers come from being needed, why is he so weak when he is needed to save the world?
- It is simple! - He said turning to his friend - Along time ago, a monster attacked our town, is was night but we all were playing near the school ground, as the guards got caught up holding back other monsters this one entered the city to find us unguarded, five children with very weak powers, and no adult around. As we tried to run, the monster proved to be faster than us, and when to attack one of us. In a split second, he turned into the monster direction, crossed the space between them, and with one concentration of energy I will never forget, he cut the monster in many pieces using pure energy, only to stop the monsters claw about fifteen centimeters from her face. Our friend was white from the scare, and he fell on the ground with no energy to stand. He fought because she needed him, because he was her only hope to be alive now, and because she liked him and needed him around. He would fight for anyone like this, as long as the person needs him. But in the years, he lost touch with all his friends, with everyone that ever needed him, and when the people of Aganon told him that they didn't want him to help them, he realized that no one is this world needed him, he was something basically useless and only a tool someone was using to try to save the world. When is comes down to it, he will fight to save his family, and anyone of us who wishes to live with him. But as things stand now, no one of us needs him, no one in the world wants his help or his company, so he has nothing to fight for.
- And that is why he ran away? Because he wants to get some attention?
- No, he ran away because he knows he is weak now, and he fears in the deep parts of his heart that he may not be strong enough to protect us, and he wants us to give up, or stop in some strong monster that we can't pass, so this way none of us may die. He wants us to be happy, he wants to protect us, but he has no reason to fight to save this world, as neither do we, and as he is he can't protect us, probably you can protect us better. Until we make him realize that we want him with us, and that we want to see the future together with him, he won't fight at his best. Any one of us can lose our will to fight, but he is the only one that can lead us into this battle, that if he finds the will to fight.
They stood there watching over the trail, the other would be reaching them soon, and as he understood the deeper reasons of power, he felt like he wanted to give his friend a reason to fight, so that he could be by his side, but he felt sad as..."
~ End of Part 19 ~

Tears and Happiness
As from some recent convesations, from some recent events, from some things I watched, from many times thinking with myself, I now am feeling strange.
I don't get this, is as if I wanted to create hope, but at the same time it is as if I prefered things this way.
As I stood looking at my computer screen, I observed the last moments of my video, I was hoping for one ending, and I didn't know how it could happen, but as things went on I heard words, sweet and simple words, words that maybe on similiar conditions I could have said, these words began everything.
Instants latter I was crying, and as things continued I saw the beautiful ending I wished for starting to happen, and with only simple words and gestures I could feel everything was in place again. But in a single moment time and space severed apart, and in that moment two of my voices said things to me:
"Are you crying because you are in pain, imagining that you are far from your happiness, that may never happen?"
Said the first voice followed by the second one.
"Are you crying because you hope that someday you may find your happiness this way, and that seeing it gives you hopes and dreams about this lovely future that awaits you?"
But time was still slow as my current personality, the one still breathing normaly, started to realize, the thing that rendered me paralized for some time, confused at the same time, and dazed watching time pass at slow rates, slow even for me. It simply replied.
"I do not feel happy, and I do not feel pain, there is no sadness here. These tears do not represent pain or hope, and I have nothing to do with them. Those tears are simply tears."
And I wanted to know why was I crying, was it the movie, and that alone? No, it couldn't. Then a sudden joy took over. This was the first time in months I was crying and I was not sad. I knew that this didn't make my problems go away, but I think it meant I was getting strong enough not to feel sad about the happiness that may be far.
Maybe I am regaining hope, but as two of my personalities, the two that take care of dreams and hopes, are down resting in a coma-like state, I think that this means that I want to cry from happiness, that I no longer want to feel sad when others are happy.
And as some of the words from my movie gave me this new feeling, I leave them here.
"While being together, many hard and painful things may happen. But being separated is much more painful.
I've had really hard times before. And even now my heart is still hurting. Really, really painful things. When I lose an important thing, the pain remais, and still hurts. But I am still looking for him, the one who likes me as I am.
Even if it will be pain, and even if my heart will hurt, I still... want that person"
I will keep fighting for my happy ending. But it really could come soon ^^.

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 18/III ~
"and the glow around them grew stronger, and as they finally could see into each other's eyes they knew that their energy waves were unsychronizing. He looked away, pulled a deep breath and started.
- Ever since ten year ago, when you all left our hometown to go study in other places, I wanted to keep in contact with everyone but the most I got was the replies from Cid that wrote to me until I was 13. I missed everyone, we used to have a great time, but eventually we lost our friendship, no one even showed up for my graduation.
She flinched as she lost the words she wanted to say, her soul seemed as if it was holding her back. She only put her hand in his arm and waited for his words. After a few seconds he continued.
- So I wanted to bury this feeling and went on my journey to get stronger. From all my teachings and from my own style I was always led to use my power to save humans, fight for justice and make people happy. And that it what I did, helped others.
He looked into her eyes... no, beyond her eyes, he was trying to reach deep into her soul.
- And now that the human race is in peril, I thought I would rise up and fight again, I thought I could gather all my friends again and fight together, but after the last fight I lost all reasons to fight.
As he turned away to look forward, the silence filled the time passing around them, the wind could be felt caressing their faces gently. After some time he continued.
- I can't fight for the human race if they don't want my help, if they don't want to be saved. I fought for human long enough, but I never got nothing besides thank you. I thought I didn't need more, but then again, this is the battle for all humans, why should I fight for them, this is their fight, I won't fight for them if they do not treat me with at least some respect and care but the way things are, humans won't change soon enough.
- Don't you at least want to be known for saving the world? - she asked hopefully.
- I think that kind glory faded as I grew old. I just wanted to be with my friends, I wanted to have someone to fight by my side. But I guess few people want to fight through their lives.
- But we are fighting with you, aren't we?
- You are fighting the same fight as me but not with me. I tried to bring everyone to fight with me, but some have things more important than saving the world. The friends I gathered, are not here to fight with me, but because someone told them to fight. The problem is that you are fighting for your own personal problems, and I would love to help you guys, but I have to fight for the safety of the whole human race, for the friendships of my friends, and against all my own personal problems. I am just tired of doing everything in my power to make everyone feel better, and in the end no one gives me a moment of care.
She was trying to sort out the words. She began remembering the last events, she thought about the fight that was up ahead, and the future after that. She felt sad thinking about his words. It came for only a few seconds, when she grabbed his hand and as she looked into his eyes she said.
- Humans will never fight for themselves, but I am willing to fight for them. I don't want to see more suffering, more death and I want fo fight for my loved one's safety. I will fight for your safety, as for the first time in ten years, but I must say I still would feel safe if you came along, your presence would give me courage and determination to fight on. Even if we are not helping your fights, your presence makes us feel better, and besides, if you do not go with us you won't give us a chance to make you happy. - she smiled saying this, and finished - I will try to give you the care you need, and I believe that everyone will come to give you some care when time is right.
He was surprised she was even trying, the sadness he felt was not going to go away this simple, but at least she was right, he could give it a try.
- Ok, I hope you all start giving me a little support. I can't fight for everyone, but then again if I do not fight apparantly no one will, so I might as well go.
She simply noded to him, she had in her heart the will to make him happy, now she just had to have the opportunity.
As he raised she stood by his side, holding hands together, she whispered something in his ear, and two seconds latter the glow around them faded."
~ End of Part 18 ~

Beauty does not vanish, it just gets hidden.
So, I love to complain how the sky in the big city has almost no stars, if it has at all. But today I take some of it back. I still believe the sky at night has no stars, that the moon begins with strange colors due to pollution. But now I know the sky in the big city hides its beauty.
Today when I was walking towards an event I was going to, on the sidewalk wating for the green light to continue my way, I raised my head and my attention got held in a piece of the sky. It was wierd looking into such a beautiful sight in a place where I thought all the beauty was lost.
It was somehow the white clouds made a first line, and behind them stood the gray clouds, to feeling of looking into a new dimension. The holes in the clouds made a big openning where you could see directly the blue sky, I was impressed there was a BLUE sky. This look, the two rows of clouds moving and playing to hide the true and beautiful color of the sky, and the sensation that the sunlight was shining between the coulds and giving light into someones life.
After come time I went on my way, but now I carry the feeling that there is beauty even in the most unexpected places, you just have to want to find, or get lucky to see it ^^.

Lives and Dreams
I guess every living being has dreams, at least that is what I believe. Each one dreams about being happy, and finding the things that will make one happy. Some believe that when you achieve a dream, you will feel empty and will find another dream, some people do not believe you can find happiness in simple things, at least not a happiness that will last. Even I, with so many reasons to belive otherwise, I still think one can find true happiness and live in peace with the world. Maybe I am wrong, but I think I will only find out the day I die.
So I live to fulfil my dreams, I have some dreams I won't be able to accomplish, at least I think I won't, those farfetched dreams with super powers and things like that. I was born to do one thing, and I am trying to do it. This one thing that almost no one does anymore, something that people give little respect, and that brings no reward, but it is something that makes me feel better as a human being.
Even so my dreams part with my purposes. I dream about finding happiness just like anyone else, finding someone that will be by my side, someone whos presence alone will make me smile, someone to share my life with. I dream about being able to finish college soon and going to work doing what I like most. I dream of finding people that will be with me, going out, playing games, sharing problems and helping with mine. I dream just like anyone else.
I always thought it was normal to look up to people, there was this friend more intelligent than me, I wanted to be like him. Same for my stronger friend, my tall friend, my popular friend and many others I admired and tried to evolve to suit their best qualities. But then it came...
The surprise life reserved for me, one of the few things I could not predict or even expect. I have seen most my pains approach slowly, and see my efforts to avoid them fail sadly. But not this time. It just snuck upon me this time. It was someone, someone I thought was just like me a few years in the past. I somehow related to this person, my own illusion was to believe that our thoughts were similar.
Not only has this person revealed its own ways, but now it seems as it was a different person back then. I was surprised. So much changes. So many masks.
Why has things gone this way I do not know. I do not hate this person, as I prefer being friends with. I like meeting new people, specialy interesting ones. I find something amusing about this being, it like there is no awareness inside the soul. So what is the big deal? Well... the problem is... this person is living my dreams.
I would like to say this is me overreacting, and at somepoint it may be, I would love it to be resumed as this person got the job I wanted. But it is not that simple.
This person, is younger, has achieved more, and it's life has brought everything that I was led to believe that I ever wanted. Friendships, family, health, all the things everyone pointed in my life that I had, and therefore had no reason to be sad, everything this person has beaten me. The friends answer to every call, to do anything, even do nothing. The family has not the tension and pressure existing in mine. The health is near perfect, having not the problems I have. Life itself seems to agree, in a unexplainable way, and work out for the best for this person. People tend to side with and follow its very steps. Love has brought more than ever brought me. The games played, and the ways played, and the time to do everything, is just the way I wanted. The way I never could have, and probably never will.
It makes me wonder why. Everything I ever wanted, all my dreams, given away to some random person. Why is someone else living my dreams? I worked my whole life to be a nice person, but that is rewarded with what, nothing, instead I have to watch my dreams and hopes fade away within another persons life.
What may bother me the most, is to see that this person is sometimes sad. Living everything I ever wished for(almost everything), and still that is not enough. One wants more. My dreams are not enough for others.
I hope no one goes through this.
Ok I will stop being overdramatic, and soon will post the last part of the 18th chronicle, just as soon as I get in the mood.
I have done so many things to make others dreams come true, and make them happy, that I have no ideia what I should do for myself. Seeing my dream in someone elses hand has taken all my hopes away. I have nothing in the future to live for. When did this happen?

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 18/II ~
"... and the wind blew strong, waving all the plants in the same direction. A flower feel from a nearby tree, he watched thinking in grabbing it, but he was worried with the situation. As the flower hit the ground he asked:
- How did you get here?
The girl looked in his direction, not so sure where his face was, he looked back surprised with the look of indignation in her eyes. He knew she could not see him, but he was there listening.
- Did you already forget? You told me how to come here when I left uor hometown, you gave me the card to jump into this dimension and told me if I needed to find you I could use this and at least leave a message here. When you left everyone without saying where you went, I imagined you could have come here, so when I got the chance a warped here.
- I must be loosing my mind, I forgot completely about that. It has been what? Ten years already?! Remember how we used to hand out the five of us all the time? - he said trying to shake out the shame of forgetting - But... you never came. So why now?
He looked at her and saw her face turning away, her cheeks flushing. His face flushed as he didn't want to discuss these kind of things, he turned forward and gazed upon a lizard standing on top of a rock.
She didn't have an excuse, and she knew better than trying to make one up. So she skipped to the important matter.
- Why did you leave? We need you up there, everyone is kind of lost. We are headed to the Revaku peak, but they seem to be loosing hope. - she paused - Why?
- Well. - he started - I got tired of helping your hopes, giving everyone the strength to fight, the will to live, trying to help everyone get..."
~ End of Part /II ~

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 18/I ~
"...so this was the place and the time where he would be happy to be alone. He knew the place very well, so it took him little time to arrive at this place, this place only he knew that existed. You had to through some preety hard trails to get there, but mostly the secret doors and protective spells that he laid on the right places made it specially difficult to find this trail.
He jumped to a tall rock, about 10 meters high, from there he could see a nice distance and observe that place surounding him. He observed the beautys of the landscape, the wild shape of the trees, the breathtaking rock formations and the plants growing in the vicinity. He thought that he had already forgotten that he could only see this place so perfectly because he was half demon and had a dark spirit. He was in the Ninth Circle of Hell, where no light would prevail, where there were no light sources.
After some time he sat on the rock, and started talking as if there was some one there to listen, but he was only talking to himself, if there was another person there he was not aware, and he thought that alone was impossible.
"Funny thing about this Circle of Hell, - he paused a bit - this is one of the most beautiful places in the existence. Here were the sun does not shine, and most people can't see. Maybe the landscape helps to make them seem so pretty, but it is the way the trees have a strange but hamonic balance in their branches, their leaves each having and unique form, showing and progressive evolution inside the trees soul alied to the nature independent way to evolve. Or maybe it is how the rocks have forms that each seem like it is trying to atack something but at the same time they have a form of their own that makes um want to attack with them. There is also the flowers, each having the most colorful petals in some harmony that would make poets chant their lives about them, and the way they seem prepared to defend with spikes and razorsharp petals against an invisible attacker."
He knew that he only seen a very little part of existence but in all his traveling in his home world and in some of the elemental planes he knew this was probably the most beautiful place, even if there could be many others places more fascinating, he thought that everyone should see this place one day. He took a deep breath.
He was filled with the energy flowing freely in this place. He wanted to stay there, run from the troubles in his planet. There was no point in fighting anymore, and this was the place to rest for the next year.
So much was his awe that he failed miserably to notice the girl reaching to..."
~ End of Part /I ~

Shiatsu
It was on a clouded day, a little rain fell from the sky. I had had two bad days before that day. It did not start well, but at least it did not start bad.
I started taking care of some pending business, I had to make some calls, buy some stuff and put in motion my quest for some presents.
When it was time, around 4 in the afternoon, I prepared my things and took off to my destiny. I arrived near 4:30, I remember thinking if I should take my coat with me in case the rain got worse latter on. Decided to leave the coat on the car and went on my way, up the ramp leading to the house where I would get my massage. I was welcomed by a nice lady, took my shoes off, completed the first time form, and after a few minutes I was called by my masseuse. In the room I changed into a pijama they offered, and went on with the Shiatsu session. One hour latter I left the place.
I say I preffer traditional massage over shiatsu, my muscles were still in need of some rubbing, but I must admit, when I left the day was clearer, sky was blue, and as I gazed in the mirror of my car I looked into my eyes and I appeared two years younger, deep in my eyes I could feel the purity and innocence I once shared with myself. It was as if the sky represented what my own soul knew.
So my day continued, and onward to the shopping mall I went...
That day was today. I still feel physicly restored, but my soul yearns for peace and care. Maybe I will find someone that can do that for me. At least now I know where to enjoy a good massage.

I sometimes think that I should not br writing these kind of thoughts here.
These thoughts show the bad aspects of my life, they are not essencialy good, so it would do better for the world if these words never fell under public access.
But this is a Whirlpool of Thoughts, so the thoughts I feel like publishing should be posted here.
I know that sometimes I seem to be complaining about life, and mostly it may seem as if I were a child that didn't get ice cream after the dentist. I have seen many problems, not mine, others', but each person complains about things that are important to them, I know I disagree with the way others scale the importance of things, but when a friend said that that was her way of feeling I tried to help her from her point of view. Accepting and trying to understand differences is crucial.
I know that somethings that get to me and annoy me make no sense to others, but that should at least mean that I don't like to be made fun of regarding things that annoy me. I am clear minded enough to understand that jokes are jokes and I should not let them get to me, most of it I can't control, but what ends up to be really annoying is that people tend to try to annoy me for fun and kicks repeatedly even knowing that that bothers me, that I find to be lack of respect, something that saddens me coming from my friends, people I would never tackle this way, or any other for that matter.
Whenever I said I had no happiness in my life, I was usually said that I had no reason to be unhappy, I have a great family that treats me well, I have many friends, I have health and no troublesome condition(I would say asma, but it is not what they mean), I study in a great college, I do not starve, I live in a decent place. Well I do not contest that my life is not the worst possible, and I have things to be thankful for, but none of those, inside my life, actually means I have to be happy. But most importantly, mostly when people say those are things to make one happy, those things would make them happy, but even my friends having those things and much more, that varies from friend to friend, they still manage to be unhappy sometimes, so they have to have something so important in their lives that it overrides the happiness broght by these kind of stuff, so I suppose that their happiness is linked to the absence of this important thing, or better yet to the presence of something that gives them the happiness for which, family, friends, health, college, food and shelter, are not enough. When I say I have no happiness, I mean I lack something that gives me happiness, all things that are important enough to me are not, lets say, stable, so I have no happiness, something that makes you wake up with energy and disposition to face the everyday challenges, I have good moments that make my day happy(when they actually work) and make living something possible, but these things are fleeting, they end their effect, so it comes a time where the only certain things in my life, make me unhappy. The fact that I tend to have some pretty awfull days are a soo well known fact that I heard from a friend that I must be the most unlucky person in the world, because bad things do not usually concentrate this way.
So many times I thought that I found something that would make my life perfect for a long time, but eventually something happens to take away from me those things. The number of friendships that would die if I didn't call and work so constantly, the number of friends I lost because I just stoped "hi" at MSN, the number of friendships weakened because of distance or lack of time spent together, the number of friends that lost contact because of girlfriend/boyfriend, the number of heart breakes and lost loves.
My friends do not spend time with each other, I am that which connects most of my friends, and yet I have to learn many things about one friend, from another. I miss having a friend that comes to talk and share his/her life, I miss someone that comes to talk to you and will tell you things about their live, I miss having a friends that knows what to say to me, I miss having someone that really trusts me, I miss having someone that gets when I am sad and tries to help, I miss having someone that can sit by my side and make me feel like I will solve my problems and he/she is there to help.
Life could give me one reason to smile every day. It would suffice until my death.
I don't get my friends, they have the extraordinary ability to make me feel like crap most of the time, they rarely seem to care if I am happy, and those of you who have another opinion of this please find in your heart to forgive me and show me, because I am yet to see someone go out of their lives to try to make me happy. My friends promisse to call and do something and they never call, during normal days they say that they don't have time and during vacations we can get together and do something, during vacations they travel and say the will call when they get back so we can do something. I am still waiting for some calls.
Each friend is incredibly important to me, but I can't work on the friendships alone.
Yes I had the worst day of the year, which only had seven days, but it was a really crappy one, I feel very sad, I really want to cry, but things at this point seem so pointless that I feel unable to cry, I feel the pain and feel sad, but the tears that would calm the storm of my soul are dry.
This week promisses to get worse. I hope I am wrong.

New Year.
As the celebration of a time passage. The celebration of challenges passed, of battles fought and the hopes of a better time ahead.
Well, since I was little I knew that the next year would always hold more difficult challenges. I have beem saying "Last year was so much better than this one, I was happy and didn't appreciate it.", of course if you have a troubled time, when you feel at the botton of the pit you always think "Well it can't get worse.", so you wait for a better year and live shows its neverending ability to break the limits.
Of course some people have better years, I guess it all balances out in the end.
I just survived through 2005, I was not a matter of having a good year, it was about living to see 2006, not that I have any particular reason to want to see the future, at least not any other than to feed my hopes of living a happy life.
Even feeling like 2006 couldn't be worse, I know that it could be a lot worse.
This year I had to deal with more than my soul was ever prepared. The complicated relationship I hold with everyone, the friends trying to get closer, the pain of a blow that hit inside my defences, inside my body, and made my soul bleed as never before, the challenge of college and the trembling failure face my troubles, the distance of one of my greatest entertainements... the RPG, the face of many unhappy friends, the tears of my friends that torn my heart, the lonely time, the moments crying, the moments I was ignored, the pain if have caused, the shameful birthday, so many deceptions and the loss of love...
This year I have done some interesting things. I have survived a semester with 32 hours of class per week, I have finished many games, I have tried out in new RPG systems, I discovered some funny comics, and started to buy some others, got to know some new people better, I saw some of my friens go away, I discovered some interesting facts about some friens, I went with my friends two times to my aunts coutryhouse, I went along in Bohemias drinking circuit, I played an official Super Smash Bros Melee tournament(even if I lost), I started a project with my friends to make an RPG and a racing game(even if they seem a little discouraged at this time), I got closer to a dear friend of mine(even if we grew apart lately), I helped some friends, I tried to make some friends laugh(and come times succeeded) and I discovered a new level of love, one I didn't think could be possible and one I am proud to have felt.
I think I left 2005 stronger than ever, even if at this moment two thirds of my soul are "dead". I hope I can find the energy to put this new strengh to use.
I expect nothing from 2006, I just have a little bit of hope that life will take some time to make me happy, but it is just hope, I am preparing to face the new worst year of my life, I just hope to be overpreparing.
I will try and do better this year. I will try to gather some energy so I can try to make my friends life better, make them happier. I wish my friends have the best year of their lives, I hope everyone of them finds happiness. My special wishes of happiness for those special friends who deserve, those who make the lives of everyone near them better.
As for me, the battle goes on. I just hope to find the happiness in the caring arms of someone, someone that will keep me fighting, and will fight by my side.
May this year bring new battles and more challenges, may this year make me stronger, may it lead to happier times. May this year make your life perfect as you deserve it. May this year solidify our relationships.
Wishes of happy lives to everyone, and
"Save the cows, they roll low on fortitudes" ~ Thomas ~
"My sword to bring you happiness, your live to make me fight" ~ Maelstron, fallen ~
"Smile it makes everyone near you happy, trust me" ~ Maxim, fallen ~

Natal.
Época para ser feliz e gentil.
Eu então agreço aqui a todas as pessoas que me ajudaram, que me fizeram sorrir, que me fizeram compania, que tiveram a paciência de conversar e me ouvir.
Graças a uns bons momentos nesse fim de ano, eu estou tendo um natal mais feliz do que esperado. Ao menos estou em paz, meu coração mais calmo e sinto esperança dentro de mim.
Desejo a todo mundo um Feliz Natal, muitas alegrias nessa época.
E felicidades extras para aqueles que a merecem.
Sejam todos muito felizes.

Sítio.
Acabo de passar alguns dias no sítio da minha tia, junto dos meus amigos da faculdade. Fizemos churrasco, jogamos futebol, fizemos macarrão, nadamos na piscina, brincamos na hidromassagem, usamos a sauna, pulamos na cama elástica, tiramos muitas fotos, jogamos cartas e falamos de muita merda.
Foi um tempo divertido, bom pra mudar de ambiente, bom pra conhecer melhor as pessoas lá.
Tive alguns momentos tristes, tentei enfrentar alguns medos, passei um bom tempo sozinho... ri bastante.
Pra mim... foi pouco diferente do dia a dia, mas fico feliz pois parece que todos se divertiram muito.
Tive uma volta um pouco mais feliz. Passei a noite no shopping, fazendo compras e conversando. Falei algumas coisas que meu coração queria gritar faz tempo. Confessei alguns segredos, revelei histórias do meu passado, ensinei coisas bizarras e me diverti muito. Apesar das discussões e de algumas palavras tristes, eu estou mais contente, em paz, eu precisava de um pouco de compania e o tempo que eu fiquei acompanhado me deu uma paz de espírito muito bem vinda.
Saber quando sua presença é necessária.
Saber ouvir quando o coração está a falar.
Saber perguntar quando se tem uma dúvida.
Saber brincar pra manter a amizade.
Lembrar o quão especial você é.
Lembrar que a sua presença traz felicidade para os outros.
Lembrar que a sua amizade é importante.
Lembrar que suas doces palavras trazem paz.
Obrigado pela compania.

Amigas!
É interessante analizar a minha relação com as minhas amigas.
Eu tenho uma afinidade natural por mulheres, me entendo melhor com elas em geral.
Fatos sobre isso são estranhos no entanto.
Eu tive amigas emocionais, racionais, extremistas, egoístas, gentis, analíticas, críticas, mente abertas, místicas, sumidas e eventuais companheiras.
Eu tentei estar por perto quando minhas amigas precisaram, dar apoio nos momentos de tristeza. Vi muita menina sofrer de amor. Vi garotas desistirem da vida e mandar tudo se foder. Vi mulheres desistirem das outras pessoas, e desconfiarem da própria sombra. Vi gente dizer na minha cara que eu era infeliz porque queria, e tempos depois ver essas pessoas sofrendo pois o mundo não é perfeito. Vi gente dizer que me ama, e fiquei três meses sem ver ela. Vi amigas sofrerem por minha causa, e me arrependo dos meus atos. Vi relatos de sofrimentos passados, quando falhei miseravelmente em estar por perto pra dar apoio. Vi desculpas pra não sair comigo, mas vi que quando querem sair nenhuma desculpa as para em casa. Vi muito convite meu recusado, mas vi poucos convites sendo feitos.
Estive lá(a maioria das vezes) quando fui chamado. Perdi horas tentando fazer outros se sentirem bem. Aprendi a engolir dor, pra poder sorrir quando elas tiverem felizes. Conheci o lado negro das amizades. Esqueci que minhas amigas me querem bem. Esqueci oque é ter compania no meio da solidão. Conheci o preconceito alheio. Aprendi que confiança se destrói fácil. Perdi muita esperança ao longo da vida. Estive sozinho, nos meus momentos mais tristes.
Sei que já incomodei uma margem grande de pessoas contando dos meus infortúnios na vida. Mas vi também que quando eu precisei, mesmo ligando pra muita gente, todos tem coisas mais importantes da vida do que dar trela pra alguém carente.
Notei que quando minhas amigas não estão namorando, elas conversam comigo mais regularmente, me fazem mais compania e são bem mais sociáveis. Mas quando começam a namorar, quase sem exceção, passam a ocupar seu tempo com namorado, familia e escola/trabalho, passando a ter tão menos tempo que quando arrumam tempo pra sair com os/as amigos/as geralmente juntam vários amigos de uma vez, pra poder dizer que saíram com todos os amigos, e ao mesmo tempo deixarem o maior tempo possível para os namorados.
Eu entendo, ao menos digo que entendo, que namorados querem passar tempo juntos, o máximo possível, mas os namorados das minhas amigas têm uma tendência de reclamar quando elas saem, pois têm ciúmes, ou acham que elas não devem ficar perdendo tempo com os amigos.
Eu acho isso uma tremenda pena, já que minhas amigas todas são bonitas e em geral estão namorando, e quem fica com saudades delas sou eu.
Minhas amigas são importantes pra mim, mas eu cansei de ser largado por elas, pois os namorados delas são as únicas coisas que importam. Minhas amigas de infância todas se foram pra longe, ou passam tanto tempo fazendo outras coisas que eu quase nunca vejo elas. Eu esperava ter um compania pro meu dia a dia. Alguém que fizesse parte da minha realidade e compartilha-se sonhos comigo. Mas cada vez mais isso soa impossível.
Aparentemente eu sou uma ótima pessoa pra melhorar o ânimo, levantar o espírito e massagear o ego um pouco. Mas quando se fala de compania eu fico largado.
Não tenho quem compartilhe comigo as coisas que eu gosto.
Nem ao menos alguém que deixe eu escolher um filme de vez em quando, e sai comigo só pela compania de estar comigo.
Mesmo triste, quando com uma amiga eu procuro se legal, gentil, engraçado e animar o espírito de todo mundo. Não garanto sucesso. Mas se num grupo grande ninguém se da ao trabalho de me dar atenção, eu fico triste mesmo, e em geral o grupo se afasta de mim...
Quantas pessoas no mundo estão dispostas a enfrentar um pouco de tristeza pra fazer outra pessoa feliz? Pelo jeito é mais fácil se afastar de quem está triste, especialmente quando você tem um namorado que te faz feliz. Achei que as meninas seriam diferentes.
Eu amo minhas amigas, mas a vida seria muito melhor se elas me fizessem compania.