A Refuge
For the past days, and some days two weeks ago, I have read almost all of my blog, this all for the purpose of labeling my posts accordingly.
It is interesting to see all that has been written here. I look at old poetries and think that I used to be a good poetry writer, I think of my old inspirations, maybe I used to have more of them. There is also many analysis about life, which reflects mostly my point of view about this world. I see also my old sorrows, and realize that a lot has gone by, I've been through many things, and of course I whined quite a lot. And last, there is my Chronicles, which are very important to me, and where I put most my writing efforts.
Now, after a ten day trip, I see more than ever that this blog has become a great part of my life. It's not like a journal, I do not write my everyday events. Its not a diary where one talks about one's life, nor a place for confessions. It is what it is, a Whirlpool of Thoughts, my thoughts. I am an observer, most of my time, even while doing other things, I am constantly observing life, the mere cause and consequence of actions, and with so I never stop thinking about things. For many reasons I have no one to tell these thoughts. No one interested in hearing my Chronicles and discussing the history behind my book, no one there to hear me whine(at least not anymore) and none who has shown any sign of interest in my point of view of life. This is why I found an alternative, a place to put my thoughts out, and leave them out through time and space.
Oddly enough, even though this is a big part of my life, I never actually shared it with anyone. I never hid it, or would lie about it, I just failed to see a reason to tell people about it. I'm not a fan of all that, "Hey here's the link to my blog/flog, pleas comment.", and I had very few people who gave me reasons to tell them about this part of me. Of course the lack of proper approach to the subject, and failed external interest, no one asked me, so I personally told about this place to very few people. But during some times, it was there for people to discover, and I leave it to people who are paying attention, and of course are interested.
I would lie if I said I didn't want lots of people reading my blog and always commenting. As it reflects part of my life I think that some people would be bothered or feel awkward about somethings if they read it, besides, its always sad to see someone fail to give attention to something important to you because they are not interested.
On the good side, my choices led to very interesting surprises, as with each new person showing their interest, showing they actually read this and commenting I felt a little happier. Some people paid attention to the simple signs, some were at the right place at the right time and some just stumbled upon this place. And it feels great to see people showing interest in my life.
This place became special to me, and I hope it brings interesting and exciting things to someone else's life. I want to post more often, but of course I am limited by time and creativity. My chronicles, I have so many ideas for it, but its hard to find the words, and since they are very important to me, I put much effort into them, mustering all my expertise into my writing skills, so they can be the best, and I try not to post until they are satisfying.
As time passes many things may change, but I think I won't stop writing here anytime soon. Maybe in time this may become a very interesting place for people to read, and I hope everyone that reads it enjoys it more with each post. This is just a part of the great whirlpool of thoughts that is my mind.
Thanks for your comments. And for those who accompanied me through the hardest time of my life.
If I get the inspiration back I may post some poetry.
I'll try to put the chronicles more often.
If anyone wants to see my opinion on a subject, or a creative post about something, just put a comment or e-mail me. It never hurts to get new subjects.
And I'll try to set up Picasa and post some pictures here.

This is a part of me, of my life. Enter if you will, the doors are open, but beware of the traps and labyrinths. Its not a place you should damage, so think good about your actions while in there. Just learn how to search and you may find rare and hidden beauties. It is just up to you to venture into the unknown, but you'll be welcome if you have interest, and only wish well.

PS: It has been a real trouble to put this post up as the power here at home went down TWICE while I was writing, so it turned out very different from what it started at. But at last it is done.

All we need is a little magic.
This world is dull!
It doesn't take me a ten-day trip to realize that. Rather it took the ten-day trip plus a movie to get it in the right words.
Many people would disagree with me saying that the world is not dull. Well the dull I mean is not in the usual sense of dull.
When you travel about three thousand kilometers, where most of the time you are at 110 kilometers per hour, when you've dodged many huge holes and turned in some curves at the limit you begin to ask yourself why would anyone drive a car at approximately 300 kilometers per hour in a tight car doing rather sharp curves?
The answer is the same as to why would anyone do a parachute jump from a 30000 feet airplane.
Adrenaline.
Contrary to most species we humans do not have the constant threat to life, we don't need to hunt, escape a predator or fight amongst ourselves to mate. So one could say we live a very calm life.
Of course I am aware of the dangers of our society, and the very problems of our life stile. But in the end, few are the moments where our blood fills with adrenaline. And that is why we search to challenge ourselves and risk our lives. Because we miss adrenaline.
So not to go too far from topic, this is why I say that this world is dull.
We live our lives without stopping to pay attention to many things that surround us. We grow used to routines, and to conformism.
But it is very easy to get our attention to something near us. All it takes is a bit of magic. A new way to show something that sounds interesting and intriguing. If only we could incite people to enjoy a part of their world that has a lot of magic, but has been forgotten in the daily routine.
There is no need to risk our lives to get adrenaline in the blood, all we need is to realize all the interesting and unknown things that surround us, just waiting for us to explore, and get to know them. All we need in our lives is a little bit of magic.

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 22 ~
"... over the mountain they saw a most terrorizing surprise.
- This is Mithrel? What is going on here?! - asked Selina with a ghostly expression.
- They... they are going... to war!! - stuttered Cid trying to scan how many people were there.
- What?! That can't be, with such an army they can take both of the south kingdoms, then there will be few kingdoms that can stop them.
- Not to mention the mass murder that will take place. - intervened Artanis.
- Thousands will be killed if we don't do so...
- There is about two hundred thousand warriors just in the from preparation, I bet there is much more inside and around. There is nothing we can do.
- There has t...
- There is something wrong here. - said Maelstron.
- What?
- I have no idea, but I feel weird, Cid check the history of the kingdom.
Down the mountain near a forest a bit to the east, stood the great helm of Mithrel Putinis, with its majestic castle. Near the center of the plains was a tall tower surrounded by a fort, probably the shield generator. A bit to side there could be seen a huge rectangular building, the world known Maze Cage of the Stars, a place know the have its own dimension, where great long mazes appeared for no reason, where monsters never seen before roamed freely, where tells the legend there is a treasure of unimaginable power at the end, if there is an end of course. Many played there, but most gave up after finding monsters too strong for them and some died trying to find the fabled prize.
They stood there, lost, with no idea what to do next, their plan could not go forward with this. Some venture to say this was a truly beautiful sight, but most agree it was more scary. Two hundred thousand people working together, preparing, training, building, planing and getting ready for war. An army unusually organized, so many people with weapons, and no ordinary weapons, with vehicles, mounts and many strange machinery and beasts roaming in their plains. If they were as good in a fight as they seem organized they surely would slaughter countless people.
- Come on Cid, before we get spotted here.
- What, oh sure, it says here that this kingdom was always in peace with the other two, their main business was the market and the cage which kept attracting people to the kingdom and lastly the never had a big army, but seemed to have a very successful market creating powerful magical weapons and equipment.
- So there's no reason for them to build a massive army and take down other kingdoms?
- None.
- Wait. - said Artanis - they may just be organizing their defenses against the other.
- No! - said Diterok calmly raising his head and looking seriously int Maelstron's eyes. - I've had a glimpse of a not so distant past... they've been here!
Most of the group seemed a bit confused, or maybe just in doubt, but they stood there in silence. Maelstron and Cid look at each other concern was taking over, this made things worse if their suspicion was right.
- Are you sure of what you saw right? Because you know this means they stop being just a bunch of powerful enemies with some masochistic desire to see the world destroy itself, and now become the same powerful enemies with desires, but now with a massive army almost ready to spread carnage through the world.
- I'm afraid I'm certain, though I have no idea on to what extent they are involved in this, I just said they came here some time ago.
- You mean those guys we fought are behind this army?!
- Now this is promising. We got beaten up when it was just them, but I KNOW you don't expect us to go against and army this big.
- No we won't, we are strong, but no nearly as powerful to take an army. I would say under other circumstances that we could organize our own army, but...
- Since most kingdoms are either ON war, or simply trying to defend their own people, we would have no success in gathering people to fight. It is hopeless.
They all looked concerned to each other, they felt the little hope they had fade. After some time of silence Diterok said:
- We should investigate, know what is going on here, and how did they build such an army in so little time.
- While we are at it, we may find some pretty good equipment for us. - said Maelstron with the usual grin.
- Ok so here..."

~ End of Part 22 ~

The End of The Year
So, I won't have access to a computer during the next few days, so I'll leave my wishes for a good New Year to everyone, may your resolutions become true, mey this new year be a lucky year to everyone who deserves and may this year bring new and exciting things to everyone's lives.
When I get back I'll post something, maybe I'll start the year with an Adveturer's Chronicle, as a promisse to work harder on my book.
Good festivities to you all, see you next year.
                                                                              ~ Maelstron, retired guardian, true friend. ~

Plans & Dreams
As I went on my way home, I wondered about my dreams. Dreams, not those like winning the lottery, learning how to cast magic or meeting the perfect girl, dreams like those you plan to do if the circumstances arise. I have many plans for most circumstances, some are normal, may happen or will happen in time, some are very ambitious, depending mostly on me getting a lot of money.
I guess anyone has their own plans, they work towards them most of their life, hopefully without disturbing the dreams of others. I have began to work on some of them, others I still have not enough maturity or money to begin. But some days I makes me very happy just imagining what would be if I realized my dreams. And for some strange reason I feel like sharing them here.
So to make things simple I won't mention dreams that have to alter reality to work, or simple things as where I would like to work and other things that are too generic. Like most people, there are the basic things you normally want, like having a family and stuff, but as many people are told, there is one thing every man should do in life, write a book. (the original sentence is, "there are three things every man should do in life, write a book, plant a tree and have a child"). I have no special interest in the two last, but I would be sad to leave this world without finishing my book. Many of you reading this have read some parts from it, as did some other people, I've finished the first chapter, I only have to put it in a digital format and pass it around to see what some friends have to say.
On dreams a little more difficult, I would like to create a successful RPG system. I have little hopes of it becoming a world know success, but if I get to publish it I would be happy enough. I am working on this dream, I have most of it defined, I just lack creativity to fill long lists of things needed to give players a choice.
But two dreams haunt me, as I would love to do them, but I can only accomplish them with a quantity of money far from normal. One is simple, to build a replica of an Opera House, shown in the game Final Fantasy VI. I don't know why, I simply want to build it, maybe because to me it is simply beautiful, but this king of construction would take probably millions. The other is to create a system, with a database, where people could play RPG in the same world, playing with official game master and keeping a track of every player and their location, so it would be possible to create events, quests and many other things so people could be a part of a ever changing world. Well my description probably confused every one, but it is simple to say that I would like to be able to play RPG, like the classic paper & sheet RPG, but online, like on a chat, but with many features to help.
These two dreams I have been carrying for some time, and I have no idea if I will be able to achieve them one day, but I surely will work for it. They are far fetched, I know, but many dreams are, and these are mine. Strangely I have no dream of getting rich, building a great family, finding the nirvana, traveling around the world or anything more common. Just these dreams, that are not for me, just for my personal achievement and for others to enjoy.
Guess I have much work to do still right?!
I'll update here if I have any good progress ^^.
Until then, merry Christmas to everyone.

Exhaustion
This end of semester has been quite demanding. Lots of work to do, things to study and things to get. The thing is, I haven't been able to really rest in a while, not even after my vacation started. I have been trying to see some people, go out with friends, invite people to do stuff and when I get some free time, play some games. With all that I haven't been able to take this semester's load of my back.
Not only time seems scarce but for some unfortunate turn of events in my college I'm still getting work to do, as the group project had a horrible turnout. With this I'm still a bit stressed with college. Not only that but I still haven't sorted out people related stuff. It took out some of the energy finding most people around me very inconsiderate, taking out other people's flaws on me, being offensive against me when my intentions are the best, people lacking touch or the ability to be caring and to be nice every now and then. So many consequences. I still dwell in conflict between regret, and the lonely relief.
Maybe a great frustration of mine is that for about a year, I have been waiting to get my hands on the Nintendo Wii. I've read many articles, I've followed the development of the console and its features, I've seen many videos, I defended it, I hoped it would be a success and it even launched the same day as my birthday. But for some sort of irony, it was such a success that it was sold out before I could try to buy one. Its ironic how from all people I know, I was probably the most eager to play it, and will end up being one of the last to do so. I suppose there is some fairness there somewhere, but I don't want to search for it. I'll have to wait until next year to get my long waited video game. I hoped I would have some game to play until then, but even though I got my friend his long waited game, and got a game borrowed from another friend, I either lack the console or a game to play. There goes my sanity.
There will be so much to do this vacation. I have two trips to plan, which I'll be doing with the assistance of only one person. I have work to do, my graduation project to begin and a semi personal project to do. All this in the few weeks I'll get. All this planning and trying to adapt everything to other people's schedule and very little help, hearing lots of complaints and with no time to rest.
On the bright side, one old friend has shown me that given time to her, she would be there with me, enjoying a good afternoon in the pool, hearing me troubles, giving support and sharing lives. I missed that. I have another friend whose simple touch and kiss if filled with most pure friendship. Have I grown so used to not having any care and sweetness in my life? My dead side would expect to be invited by the people I like to do things with them, for them to share things they know are important to me and even take me into consideration before doing something. But I think I proved to myself this semester that I gain more fighting alone, that few people, if no one, care about me and that if I don't keep going after my friends they, as sure as hell, won't move a muscle to come after me. I wish every day that I am wrong. I wish every day that someone will prove me wrong. I wish every day that I wasn't able to foresee the repercussions.
Well as for now, I am distracting myself with some sword play, some old games, a swimming pool, reading and blogging. Soon it will be Christmas which means I'll be in the kitchen cooking for Christmas dinner on the 23rd and 24th. Maybe then I can get some rest.

Sanity
I miss my old friendships,
I miss having someone to talk to,
I miss having hope,
I miss that thrill of a new game,
I miss dreaming that someone will someday surprise me with a nice day,
I miss sleeping without waking up every hour.
I can't take this anymore, I am completely tired, exhausted. All the troubles I have been through, and every discussion with others, all the stress studying, and no fun for me, no reward in the end, only pain and stress. And all that I have waited for is no happening. It will be a much more boring vacation than I expected.
It seems as people work against me. Everything I plan, want to do or invite anyone to join me, is a failure. People ignore, plan things over to do what they want, or simply don't show up. I wonder what has happened in my life to be in this point.
The only things that work in my life are when I try to do something for others, to make others happy. Yes I easy can get things from around the world if it means giving a nice present to someone. But every action to get something I want badly fail miserably.
As my hope and sanity crumbles with exhaustion, I believe once again that I was born to make other people happy, and that I was cursed never to be truly happy.
Sorry, I can't take any more problems.
Sorry, it's just the end of a bad day, maybe I'll be better tomorrow.

A Symbol
Humans have a tendency to try to see more meaning to things than they sometimes have. Of course, up to some point I can't escape from that. Many things represent more than the object itself, be it a country flag, a very old painting, a perfume or even a present.
People usually have a lot of objects, but do they know why they have that object? You see, most things anyone possess have a purpose, and usually they are useful. These take cellphones, computers, books or anything one may do something with. You may gain these things as presents, or buy them as the most common option. But these objects mean nothing more than they are. Well of course you can have something for so long that you grow fond of it, and then it may become a symbol to you, like that mug that symbolizes the chocolate milk you drink every morning, or the headphones you put on every time you want to take your mind off the world.
Symbols are something important, from the simplest person to the most complex villain. It may be a symbol of faith like a cross, a symbol of peace like a feather, a symbol of love like a medallion, a symbol of pain like an old girlfriends perfume and any type of symbol for any feeling there exists.
Now, symbols don't just appear from nowhere, objects become symbols the moment it gets tied to a feeling. Some symbols grow feelings over time, but most frequently objects become symbol when they are bought or given as a present. You see, you get that lovely crystal statue from someone you love, it becomes a symbol, it reminds you of that special someone even being completely useless. This goes on even when you buy things, like that ring you bought because it made you remember someone important.
As you enter a place you can see many symbols, most may be just decoration, but a symbol nonetheless. But you may come to see this in time, very few people have a "negative" symbol in their possession. This is because humans hate pain and every memory attached to it, and get rid of anything that reminds them of a bad experience. You had an awful experience when you broke up after years of relationship, if the experience was really bad, most people throw away anything from that relationship, of course to some people don't throw away somethings for monetary reasons. But some people will keep these symbols as a reminder of a lesson, or respect, or even someone they had dear once. Even if it makes them cry when they look at it, it is a memory and to some people that may be an important memory.
But something puzzles me. What happens when you face an item that you have no idea what it is doing there? I mean, you have this object, it has no use, I mean besides paper weight, and for some reason you can't recall from the day you acquired it, you have no feeling attached to it. So basically you have an object that you can't use and that it is JUST an object, not memory on it, no symbolic existence. What do you do? It feels weird to see this, you fiddle with the object hoping to jaunt a memory, maybe a reason, maybe a purpose. But your heart refuses to give it a meaning, and your mind seems unwillingly to share a memory of it. You know deep inside of you, you want to make it a symbol, but finding no reason you can't.
I have held many symbols, most of them were personal to me, many and probably most I bought. Some I held for ages until I found someone to give it to, some I gave away for my own safe, some I sadly lost and some face every day and every minute with me. Symbols are things that can give you support, may have words of wisdom for troubled times, or may give you the energy and inspiration you need to go on. I believe each person has its own symbol, and treasure them, sometimes with life. Things need not to be useful to be important, they just have to mean something.
This is why I find it strange to see a meaningless object, with no purpose in existence. Maybe it is just waiting for the right moment.
Take care of your symbols, they may mean more to you than you realize, and may mean something to other people.

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 21 ~
"... and with gentle shrug he started searching the book shelf on his front.
- There has to be something here. This is the biggest library I've ever seen. If there is nothing here I have no idea where to search.
-Well, all I can see here is how to create magical equipment but none stronger than any equipment we can buy on a store, at this rate we'll look over the whole library and find nothing. This is just a waste of time. - she said with an annoyed tone in her voice.
- I hope there others are having more luck than us.
After some book were tossed aside, they were getting tired of all the unfruitful search. Many hours had passed on this room, and they only managed to learn how to deep fry a dragon, which is almost useless because to deep fry a dragon you have to kill one, and there is a problem as big as finding a book with useful information on a town with no books. After some time a yell crossed the library shelves barely reaching a listener.
- I'm hungry. - she yelled from the left wing of the library - Lets get something to eat!
- What? - he replied from the right wing with little attention to the unintelligible sound.
- Lets g...
- Hey, - he said interrupting - come here!
"Guess he ain't hearing me, better if I go there" - she thought as she walked over there.
On the way she took her whip firmly in her hands and looked at it. She had that whip for a long time, but felt no attachment to it. But she had no hope in getting a really powerful one, "who would create a legendary whip anyway", was the thought trailing her head. She realized how big the library when she found him, only five minutes after she started searching.
- Lets eat, I'm hungry. - she said grappling her waist.
- Wait. - he looked at her with a smile on his face and extended his arms showing a book to her - I think I found something.
- Jiita's Whip. - she grabbed the book and began to read the entry -
During the first age of Dragons, many kingdoms on Osfei went to war. After some bloodshed, Felia, queen of Herago a small kingdom involved in the war, called upon the help of Jiita, the greatest forger and merchant of her kingdom, and asked him to forge something to bind the souls of all the kings at war.
- Jiita thought for sometime - she continued - on how he could do such a thing. he recalled some of his research and had an idea. He called upon a very huge favor to get a big supply of aleimn, the soul crystal. With the crystals, and some other special ingredients, he forger a long chain, that could bend space, and with some elaborate plans from Felia he managed to bind the souls of all kings, including Felia. The chain held a connection between them and if any of them got killed so would all of them. The connection would only be broken with natural death, and since none of the kings could manage to break the chain, they stopped war before one of them died. Time passed and after all the other kings died of age only Felia was left alive, and so the chain belonged to her. She searched for Jiita to give him back the chain, but when she found him he said he was too old to have any use for the chain, but he asked her to do him a favor. He had to pay back a huge old dept, he had to give an old friend a very powerful very exotic weapon. Felia knew what to do, she called upon the greatest forgers on the land and asked them to create a whip out of the chain. So they did, and created one most wonderful whip, named after Jiita the great forger. The whip never had all its powers tested but was know to have extreme defensive power, and great link with one's soul. After it creation, Felia took it to Pageron, and paid back Jiita's dept. And after that the whip was never seen or commented again.
- Wait - she said in amazement - Pageron is..."
~ End of Part 21 ~

 One Day
One day a year.
The day where people tend to be nicer to you.
The day that will go in my memory with many deceptions, but what I'll take this day with me are the marks of a great day.
The launch of the next generations console.
The victory of the national soccer championship by my team.
The great lunch I had.
And most importantly, 25 years of songs from the game industry played by an Symphonic Orchestra with great expertise. The Video Games Live concert was magnific, and I hope they come again next year.
Well, another day has gone, with it one more year, but... what has come during this time?
All blessings to every person who is good.

One Year More
Well, today one of my oldest friends is getting older, yes one year more, and another birthday. Since she is going to a wedding I won't be able to see her, and due to lack of time we probably won't be able to see each other until mid december. Well, it is a little sad, but I guess we have no other choice.
But, well, even knowing she will never see this site I have no better option than do this here.
Happy birthday Joyce, I hope everything keeps working for you like it has up until now. I wish that you challenges are less stressing and make you grow even stronger. I admire the way you keep up the energy to go around, always smiling and always helping other people, specially making them feel better all the time. You're a very special person, too bad we can't be together more often, but at least it seems your life is taking through a very happy road, I hope you keep on it. But if you ever need any help or support you know you can call me.
Forever your friend, always praying for your happiness,
Thomas.

Well like only fate could have it, tomorrow is MY birthday, some people may recall this from the event last year on the same day. Well tomorrow many things were supposed to happen, many good things, reason for me to believe I was going to die... but thats just a little joke of mine. This year's november 19th is the day the new generation console of Nintendo is released, the Nintendo Wii, I'm expecting to get mine around december 10. Also on november 19th, there was going to be the Eletronic Game Show, event where they show and display the interesting news of the entertainment industry, unfortunately for some reason unknown to me it was canceled. And almost most important, on this day, here in São Paulo, there will be a presentation of the world tour of Video Games Live, where a Symphonic Orchestra plays some great songs from the video game industry, I've been wainting for this event for many months, I already have my ticket, and I'll be hoping to hear some of my favorite songs.
Well lots of good things for tomorrow, but this somehow got me scared, as today many things went differently from what I expected. But I guess changes in plans do not scare me, but something struck me this weekend, I've been living without support, company, compassion, understanding, or put it simply, without any friendship I am trully proud. Except for one person, I have drifted so distant from everyone that was dear to me. Yeah, days near my birthday usually get me in this mood. I don't know, so many things to make me happy in the future, but I don't see anyone near me to share this happiness, is this right? I feel kind of empty, maybe I'm just tired.
Well I guess I'll go take a long bath in the tub and try to relax.
Happy birthday Joyce, and the same to everyone having a birthday today ^^'

The Morning After
Dawn, the sun still behind the moutains, the sky still fighting between dark and light. The path along the road was still dark, but there was enough light to see the path clearly.
"Now this is a waste of a good shade!" - he thought.
He squezed his eyes to protect from the sun light, the sun made his usually black eyes shine with the golden reflection. He was now preparing to get on his way.
He yawned there, and started to stretch. Right arm down and a little to the back, left arm bent aup in the air. The sun now lowering over the road reflected on the left wing standing up in the air, the right wing was lower, so no light hit it.
He looked back at the road ahead, he saw in the distance a wolf attacking a sheep, it reminded him of te day before. He stepped forward, but anger took over, he hit a nearby tree with the side of his hand.
Some leaves fell around him, bouncing over his head, arm and wings.
"This is so unfair." - he thought - "I tried the best I could, but no good comes out of it, everything in my life still goes wrong. The near future has so many promisses, but somethings in the past still keep my mood down."
He started to walk again, but this time he used his wings to shield his face from the rising sun.
Wind blew strong, and his hair waved with it. Soon he'll arrive at the next city. It's going to be a long walk in the sun now, but the journey will seem much longer with hope and disapointment clashing inside him.
"This is so unfair." - he thought again.
And with his thoughts pouring he walked the curved road, leading to his next destiny, hoping for good things, and carrying a sad look.

Amigos ~ Vinicius de Moraes ~

Tenho amigos que não sabem o quanto são meus amigos. Não percebem o amor que lhes devoto e a absoluta necessidade que tenho deles.
A amizade é um sentimento mais nobre do que o amor, eis que permite que o objeto dela se divida em outros afetos, enquanto o amor tem intrínseco o ciúme, que não admite a rivalidade.
E eu poderia suportar, embora não sem dor, que tivessem morrido todos os meus amores, mas enlouqueceria se morressem todos os meus amigos! Até mesmo aqueles que não percebem o quanto são meus amigos e o quanto minha vida depende de suas existências...
A alguns deles não procuro, basta-me saber que eles existem. Esta mera condição me encoraja a seguir em frente pela vida.
Mas, porque não os procuro com assiduidade, não posso lhes dizer o quanto gosto deles. Eles não iriam acreditar. Muitos deles estão lendo esta crônica e não sabem que estão incluídos na sagrada relação de meus amigos.
Mas é delicioso que eu saiba e sinta que os adoro, embora não declare e não os procure. E às vezes, quando os procuro, noto que eles não tem noção de como me são necessários, de como são indispensáveis ao meu equilíbrio vital, porque eles fazem parte do mundo que eu, tremulamente, construí e se tornaram alicerces do meu encanto pela vida.
Se um deles morrer, eu ficarei torto para um lado. Se todos eles morrerem, eu desabo!
Por isso é que, sem que eles saibam, eu rezo pela vida deles. E me envergonho, porque essa minha prece é, em síntese, dirigida ao meu bem estar. Ela é, talvez, fruto do meu egoísmo.
Por vezes, mergulho em pensamentos sobre alguns deles. Quando viajo e fico diante de lugares maravilhosos, cai-me alguma lágrima por não estarem junto de mim, compartilhando daquele prazer...
Se alguma coisa me consome e me envelhece é que a roda furiosa da vida não me permite ter sempre ao meu lado, morando comigo, andando comigo, falando comigo, vivendo comigo, todos os meus amigos, e, principalmente os que só desconfiam ou talvez nunca vão saber que são meus amigos!
A gente não faz amigos, reconhece-os.

Esse texto, de um grande escritor, representa tudo, ou pelo menos muito daquilo que se pode ser representado. Cada linha contém mais sobre o tópico do que realmente está escrito, mas cabe a experiência dee cada um, saber oque mais pode ser lido.
Resolvi postar esse texto aqui depois que uma amiga postou ele no fotolog dela.

Odeio amizade, que sentimento mais infeliz. Em toda sua grandeza, está fadada a ser sempre substituída por coisas "mais importantes". Os seres humanos só são capazes de dar valor para amizade uma vez que a tenham perdido.
Mas eu viveria mil vezes sem amor doque sem amizade.

Here is the traslation of that text, because I believe it is worth to be read.

Friendship ~ Vinícius de Moraes ~
I have friends who don't know how much my friends they are. They don't realize the love I give to them and the absolut need I have in them.
Friendship is a more noble sentiment than love, for it allows me to spread it over other affections, while love has a natural jealousy within it that does not admit rivalry.
I could support, although with pain, that all my loves had died, but I would go mad if all my friends died! Even the ones who don't realize how much they are my friends and how much my life depends on their existences...
Some of them I don't go after, it is enough to know they exist. This simple condition encourages me to move forward with my life.
But, because I don't go after them assiduously, I can't tell them how much I like them. They wouldn't believe. Many of them are reading this chronicle and have no idea they are included in the sacred list of my friends.
But it is lovely that I know and feel that I adore them, even though I don't say it or go after them. And sometimes, when I search for them, I notice they have no idea how they are necessary to me, how they are essential to my vital balance, because they are a part of the world I, trembling, built and they've become the foundation of life's charm.
If one of them dies, I'll be tilted to one side. If they all die I'll break down!
That is why, even without them knowing, I pray for their lives. And I feel ashamed, because this prayer is, to synthesize, directed towards my own well being. It is, maybe, product of my selfishness.
Sometimes, I dive in thoughts about some of them. When I travel and stand before wonderful places, I shed a tear because they are not with me, sharing that pleasure...
If there is something that consumes me and makes me grow old is the furious wheel of life that does not allow me to have always by my side, living with me, walking with me, talking with me, spending time with me, all my friends, and, specially those who are only suspicious or maybe will never know they are my friends!
We don't make friends, we just recognize them.

Breaking and Welding Chains
The silent night is the background, where a slow walk is the only sound to be heard, but the walk remains hidden in the dark. Each step is followed by the sound of a chain, the chain grinding to itself as if something is pulling it apart. Little sparks jump from the chain trying to break out a light to the ambient, but the darkness is too heavy. Only fleeting shadows roam from the sparks.
As I walk, I am welding a new chain. This time, to someone who I hope can give me the happiness I need. To someone which has given me many good moments. But somehow, there is something holding me down, a weight over me, I think it is an old chain, but it is dark, and I can't see well enough. It seems to me, the this weight is the reflection of an very important chain which I tried to break, and stopped midway as an request from a very important person...
What I see from it, from the very little that is given to me, it seems that this chain was somehow connected to a web like structure of chains. It seems that the vibrations I created in my end of the chain created a rupture in that structure, and I feel that an old group, which stood together, and wasted many hours playfully, is now breaking up, and stopping to hang out, or doing so less frequently. I know it may seem I am conceited thinking this, but sometimes I feel that I was one of the few trying to hold that structure intact. Maybe this is this weight I've been feeling some days, it seems it was what struck today.
Some chains add weight, some pull from different sides, I see nothing at the end, it is too dark, I can't see which chains are breaking, some chains are holding me together, and some are pressing agains my wounds as I try to go forward. This walk is a very hard one, but at least the silent night has been a "sight", no worries, no noise, just me, my chains, and a very long, VERY dark, path.

Beginning of Ages
Every time to time, new ages rise, marked by some specific group of things. Of course, depending on what area you are on, these marks, may differ a lot. For me, things that mark ages are the generations of video games, this is because in the rest of my life, there has never been anything so defining of a period of time, just some major events that came, and went fast, leaving marks, but none that would be considered tipical of an "age". So I tag things from those vivid memories, the ones that will always pop up when I hear that song, or see that picture.
I remember even now that time, one of the first revolutions, one that wrought a music upon my soul, my friend broght a Playstation to my house, with one game... only one, and we let the entrance music play in loop. There were other moments, like playing Mario 64 for the first time. Or waiting anxiously to get back to Brasil to play Lufia 2, or expecting the arrival of my Super Smash Bros Melee.
Now, times are changing. A new age is about to arrive. A new video game era is being born. But not only that, things in my life are changing. Friendships are still unstable and trying to fall in place, but college is flowing naturaly, and for the first time... I think I have someone to walk by my side, maybe not always, but she has been giving me some very special moments... at least one piece of the puzzle fell in place. I hope the other pieces will fall in place soon enough, at least it would make me very happy.
New era, new games, new people, and new sources of hope and happiness. I still have many troubles in my mind, but I am very glad I found these new things to keep my heart happy, so I'll live to see my birthday, the day which MANY things will begin, the day I hope marks this new age.

One Year
One month, less than a month to my birthday. It will be a year since I ran away, and took that 24 hours off of the world, away, unreachable, alone. I think back, one year may sometimes seem like a lot of time, specially when you think all that has happenned, but in the end, it seems that I ran away just yesterday. Like I probably said last year, this year I have been through a lot. I see my current situation, and find myself much stronger than before, and as I choose a new path, I found the pain to subside a bit, giving me a better ratio of strength over pain. Some of the confusion in my life has led to some bad days recently, but not even near as bad as I were before, and I have been having some fun lately, with a special lady. I lost many things, including some people who were very special, some things I may never get back, but some friendships I'll try to safe, as long as they want to be saved. I am having some satisfaction in the study, after some troubles. My project for the conclusion of the course is starting at last. I may be beginning a new RPG with my RPG system, finally. I still have a lot in my mind, my sleep is very unstable, but at least I have that inner peace of knowing what I am doing.
This year has brought me many experiences, many bad, from which I have learned and became stronger, and some good, from which I hope to regain hope and peace. This last month hold many surprises, some may be good, and I hope that none will be bad, but I will be there, walking down this road, towards some things I have been waiting for so long.
November nineteenth, the day of the year, for some reason many good things will happen on this, and I am afraid I don't know what to think of this. 19/11/06 - American official launch of Nintendo Wii, mine is reserved, should be here in the beginning of december. Also there will be a presentation of Video Games live here, in São Paulo, and I'll be there, it will be the best presentation I have ever seen. I just hope people will be nice to me this day, at least considerate enough not to make me sad.
For the first time in many years I actually look forward for my birthday. I hope I don't get disappointed.

A Movie Moment
It was today, at lunch time. I went out to the bank to draw some money and since I was there I lunched at a nearby place which sells "pastel" (I still think there is no word in english for this, one day I'll try to describe it). After my calm and peaceful lunch I was heading back to college when I saw the most amusing sight. You know how in some movies they show employees at storage rooms playing cards?! I know that those people you usually ignore, like the cleaning people, or construction builders, basicly people who do the maintenance in everything around you, they are humans just like us, and therefore have to have their moments of rest and fun, but I often fail to imagine what they do. I've seen them sleeping among students, gossiping and in movies playing cards. And there they were, with the door of some sort of storage room, right next to ECA's restaurant, four uniformed working people, playing cards. Very fun, but I didn't stay long enough to discover what game were they playing, but I must say, I never thought I would actually see that ^^.

A Touch of Steel
I know... as a man it may seem strange that I say that I like to accessorize. But I find it somehow to be a part of me, maybe my medieval side, it just makes a natural sense inside of me to wear armor, weapon, rings, bracelets, necklaces and many other things. Most of my life I had something to wear besides my regular clothes, when I was little I had wristwatches, when I was more of a teen I wore a ring, and nowadays I go on wearing a necklace. I know how strange it may sound, but I kind of like the feel of steel against my body, it just seems natural to me.
Of course I don't wear just anything for the fun of it, like any warrior I choose my accessories carefully. Most of the time I either wear something because of the memory it carries or the beauty of it. My firts important accessory was a ring I bought it thinking of one of my best friends, she was very sweet, and the simple thought of her made me happy, I wore it for about four years almost non stop, I didn't like to take it off, but sometimes I had to like during handball games (and even so I sometimes managed to play wearing it). Eventually the memory of that girl was too heavy to be remembered every day. Now the ring is with her. Without any accessory I felt after some time that I had to get a new one, so I searched a bit. Eventually I came across a lightning shapped hematite necklace, it was a new treasure from which I drew energy to defend myself, to have more will and more concentration. I found some new rings, all just good looking, with no memory, but some were weak and broke with time, or were too loose and didn't fit well into my finger, so I mostly had the necklace. Some years ago I lost it at my sisters birthday party, the chain which held it broke and it feel somewhere in the grass I think. So once again I had no accessory, the ones I had I couldn't wear that much, and the few that I wanted I couldn't have, either because I didn't have the money to buy or because they didn't have a size that would fit me. You know, I feel more naked when I am without any accessory. Recently I felt the need to get some protection to myself, so I started to wear an old necklace, and eventually got the money to buy one necklace that I wanted for some time. And for some time I had a chain, simple steel covered by silver chain around my wrist, and the medalion on the necklace, but the lock of the chain broke (too much use of internal energy) and I am waiting to get another.
I believe that every material in the world holds some energy, and when I need I try to draw from that energy, but few materials seem to have enough energy for me to absorb. But whenever I need I turn to them, like these days, I have been using the energy in the steel/silver from the medalion, and in my worst days I use the Obsidian stone (one of the scorpio's sign stone) that my mother gave me along time ago, this stone is one of the three things I treasure most.
People often forget the energy of the things that surround them. I try to make the best out of it, and I think that I own many moments of peace, concentration and nights of sleep to their energy, may be just in my head, but to me it works.
I like to accessorize, in my own way, for my own reasons. I like the feel of steel. What do you like? Stones or metals? Which kind? Or do you prefer to be without accessories.

A Flashback
I hate this, once again I let my inner child take the chance... try once again to have some group fun. Why do I even bother? It is almost like I didn't knew what was going to happen.
I now stand, evading, there is something in front of me, something I don't want to look at, something I know what it is almost too well, something I ran away once after fighting to the ground. Now I have to find a way around it, or take a great turn a leave it behind once more. Before me is my past, it was more powerful than me before, and it will be again. After it is my future, or at least one future, to face my past in order to go to this future would take some major wounds, that could lead to a bad future.
You know, I feel sad, this is one of those things that shouldn't happen twice. But even when I try to avoid it, it comes after me, to break my spirit. Now in a relationship that is more complicated than I would imagine, with an old problem and fighting back the hope inside my heart, I can feel my sanity splitting. That feeling of let out, the feeling of confusion, love, friendships blinking, despair towards the college and at the same time the will to build some friendships, to persue a love I can't, to finish my RPG system and many ideas for my book sprouting everywhere. This from a mere glimpse at my past...
Once again I find my mind to be a whirlpool of thoughts, my body to be a vortex of clashing energies and my soul to be a boiling mixture of feelings.
I wish you would rise and take me away, make me laugh, put me on or lad and gently caress my hair saying that it will all be ok. I wish I could find a friendship solid enough for me to lean on. I wish to would stop, or at least my life... but nothing stops in this world.
I work softly behind every ones eye, I search for things that may bring happiness, and I succeed frequently. But I am yet to see something that will bring happiness to me.
May my name echoe in time, and lay beside yours.

A Good Demon
People fear what they find different. They outcast people who are not like them, surelly you know someone who has been outcast, maybe you yourself have outcast someone. I have been outcast since the day I was born. Demons are not accepted well into society. But my noble birth has tought me to be a good person, good in the way of helping other people, not causing trouble to them and trying to make them happy. But once again... how many people do that? So I once again am outcast for being nice?!
Humans are the reason I don't open myself anymore. Whenever I found a friend, a good person, which I actually felt happy near, something happens to come between. I tried to separate from my current daily group of friends, as they stopped treating me well(did they ever?), at first they didn't seem to mind, but a simple manifestation was enough to make me want them back, hang out more, rebuild the old friendships, but I still don't know what to make of it, will they ever want to be my friends? On the other side, the person who recently entered my life, who gently blew a gentle relieving wind, cause some confusion, trying to help me but without knowing what would actually help me. What bothered me more was not that she tried to help without asking me waht I wanted, I appreciate that a lot, but it bothers me that we have stopped talking, she started to avoid me sometimes.
So things have been a lot confusing. I have been trying to make this girl happy, but she seems to want to scare me away every time. I know deep down she is not what I want, and I won't be able to make her happy for too long, but I know this decision will bring bad consequences in the future, but I don't know how soon will this future be.
This is why being a good demon is so hard, people will rarely come near you, even after you make them happy and do things for them no one else will. Frustrating I tell you. But I keep my hopes up, I believe there is some justice in the world, and someday things will be good for me.
I just wanted my friends, like they were once my friends...
Someone out there wants a demon, a good demon as a friend?