The sleeping corpse.
Just another day at work.
The weather is out of control these days. Currently the air seems cold, from both the chilly night and the winter air the roams around. And following winter tradition, air is very dry, so no clouds in the sky, only the strong, warming sun.
I'd just gotten to the office from lunch. I walk to my desk, thinking about what should I do to solve my problem, when I glance out the window, just inspecting the landscape and the sunny day. Keep in mind that I work at the second floor (also top floor) of a building that sits on one of the highest grounds on the region, my window faces directly the low part, so you can see far away.
Also, I work in a restricted area, inside a complex, so he is not a hobo. And he also wears something that resembles the cleaning staff uniform.
But you don't have to look far away to take things out of the ordinary, because just low out my window, on a path that would seem to lead from the back of my building to some weird other building a about 25 meters away, on ground, next to a rock the size of a big human head, a human lay down on the ground, perfectly still.
Yes, on the ground rock, in the middle of the path, under the hot-ish sun, facing down and very quite.
Well, what to say, I point out the window, call the attention of my coworkers and say, "Hey a dead body.". They laugh, my joke was well taken, no one seems worried. I o the same routine with my boss, he laughs a bit, and I return to my desk.
The joke to me had ended there, I made a witty comment about the man unusually sleeping in the middle of the road and in the sun, so I think of leaving him to his business and try to return to mine.
But interestingly the joke doesn't fade so easily. People seem to turn back to him from moments to moments and keep up the small jokes and fun around the office. And as the guy does not wake up, we start with more jokes, about the end of days, or zombie movies and such, till someone notices, near the other building, behind the tree, there are two more people laying down.
At some point we notice the people in office one floor under us seems to have noticed the guy on the path. They yell something trying to wake him. No apparent effect.
Someone in our office points that he saw the body move a bit. We take the chance to make more jokes.
I'm switching between work and the guy, so eventually I notice that he really did move his legs.
So I let the joke die. Until someone starts to walk on a higher level path, as to get closer to the body and start to call for his attention.
Of course eventually the flips over his head, looking to his inquisitor, and they talk for some time.
We knew the guy was just sleeping.
But come on, it is pretty weird to see a guy, sleeping in the ground, under the sun, near a rock bigger than his head. Good laughs.

Maintenance.
Yeah, I've been neglecting the blog.
I had some troubles getting my hours straight since I had a new computer to install.
So today I'm doing full scale maintenance. Deleting doubled mp3, mp3 that I don't like, filing every song into it's appropriate folder. I'll be doing this this weekend.
It is fun to see some old and forgotten things.
I hope I can do it all in two days.

When I finish I'll probably have more time, so I can resume a more regular posting.
Until then...

A New Step
Time passes.
People go on forward.
Birds migrate.
New people are born.
And finally...
FINALLY!!!
I graduate from college.
Of course my diploma hasn't come out yet. But at least I don't have to study anymore. No more worries, no more late studies.
Now I get to come home and do whatever I want.
And as I said, I'm trying to catch up on things that are important to me.
But these two last weeks have been a little busy, with going out, and preparing for the championship tomorrow.
Well, back to training.

A Shaking Message
It is impressive how humans can be so shaken by something so simple.
Maybe it is just me then... who knows.
I got this message, pretty simple, nothing forward. But for some reason I'm captivated, mesmerized. I want to know who sent it.
I was already leaving when I got it, so I left.
But part of my mind stay behind.
I should have at least answered it, or maybe stayed a while to see who sent it.
After my evening plans, as I was heading home, I kept thinking I should have went back, to see if the sender was still there.
But I went home.
How can this unimportant event bestow such regret on me? After all, it meant nothing, and nothing has changed for me. So why do I care so much?
I guess this goes for everyone.
I guess that deep down, when we feel like this, it is because we know that there could have been a great outcome. We know that we rejected not a single event, but a potentially huge opportunity.
I can believe that part of us, the uncharted, spirit linked, unconscious part knows what is best. Before any other relevant piece of information is brought into the picture. We know that going left is better than right, even when we don't know what is on each side, but we have the natural ability to choose a different path. But very often we feel that we should have done things the other way around, like we felt like, but we listen to logic, which clouds the mind against this precognition we have. But this is what I believe, and of course, it isn't easy to follow your instincts, even when you believe in them.
But still, I'm impressed how much I'm hung up on this.
Maybe next time, I'll stick around to see what my future holds. After all every one should do one thing, every day, that scares them.

An old debt
My honor compels me.
I've wrong in the past.
And others covered for me.
People who should not have paid,
and yet felt like it was their obligation.
Now, as things have changed.
My plans delayed.
I can shift my priority.
And give new purpose for the money stored.
As of now, I'm settling this debt.
One which was never asked for.
One no one knew about,
only me and my code of honor.
Tears for acceptance.
For the unexpected surprise.
Now it begins.
The money shall return,
to those who deserve it.

Differences
I'd like to point that most people don't pay half the attention to things they should.
On the same note, about half the time someone pays attention to something they are just over thinking about some criticism about the detail.
No examples will be given as it is not the point here.

Having fun doesn't mean you are doing what you want, or prefer, right?! But even if you have fun, that only reflects part of you. Unless, of course, the part reflected is that inner self, the true self. Then there is probably little that would be better.

I'd like to say I'm an hypocrite for laughing when I'm feeling annoyed. Not that I laugh to hide my annoyance, but because there was something genuine to laugh, but my true self felt that I should be doing other things.

That is my only frustration about RPG. Not the activity, but the people involved. While I know most people in the table enjoy the game, and are there to have fun, each one has a particular reason within the RPG to it. It bothers me that maybe I'm one of the only one interested in developing the story, the character, seeing how he will live and what he will become, seeing the adventure turning into something worth of being a movie, or a book, with deep characters, and action filled story.
If you ask most people they probably will say that that is their reason to play. But actions speak louder than words, right?! While I have fun with each joke, and of course I'm part of it, I feel that the more we joke around the less into the game everyone is.
Some people are there, paying more attention to the loved one nearby, (yes I find it annoying, and you may not believe it, but it is not because I don't have my respective loved one there). While each one has no obligation to pay 100% attention to the game, when you ask for the description a second time, three times during the session, you are just no into it, and of course disrupting the flow.
Comfortable places to play may seem to me as a poison depending on the group, as 2 hours in the game, people are starting to lay down, sleep... Of course, this goes by many factors. If someone is sleeping in a stone stair, on the cold ground, then it is not a problem of attention, but a need to sleep. While much more understandable, people should not be this tired in the game, specially when they agree/suggest/prefer the time which the game is played. (Exceptions are exceptions, so a 2-hour night sleep, because of work/study/party, is an exceptions, as it should occur very rarely.
Some people play to be with people. This is technically not a problem. Well, no one plays because they want to be alone. But when you play because it is either that of being alone, meaning that you don't like to play, you do it because it is the only good alternative, then you will end up slowing the game down. Or you would be a GOD to play perfectly a game you dislike.
I even hate myself, because all hatred I surround myself in leads to a lot of unnecessary jokes during game play. While some are funny, I don't really hold back on them, and end up disrupting the game even more.

Sometimes I think I live up to friday nights, (the sacred RPG day), after all I think about the RPGs during the whole week. Of course I don't think about it all the time, but it is one of the few things I do naturally with determination. I study, develop, create. I do it during classes, when driving, when cooking, in the shower. (ok, I'm not geek enough to think about RPG during sex)
I'm filled with megalomaniac plans about RPG.
But with some many troubles, fridays are not that much fun... it is the best thing I could do, and wouldn't stop it for anything. But taking into account the stress to organize things, the get everyone ready to begin, losing hours you could play when people are still awake, and heavier than these two, that fact that you take six hours of the real world, to do nearly nothing in the game, with infinite distractions, interruptions, and the end you see everyone leaving your house, and you quietly go around the house, putting everything into other, reflecting on how much time was wasted, and how you wanted to play the part you never got to because everyone wanted to stop, you feel that bitter sad taste. I want to call it failure, frustration, anger or even deception, but it is so many things it is hard to put in words.
RPG has become like an expensive sweet candy with and awful aftertaste. It takes a lot to get, it is nice while it lasts, but in the end you suffer more.
People, even within a common ground, are so different from each other. And ironically, no one pays attention to this kind of thing, the kind that could make a significant difference.
Maybe this is all frustration because I never got to finish one of my campaigns, but I say I'd just like to meet someone that shares deeply the same interest and view about RPG. I feel so lonely at the table.

The price of peace.
- Oh wise one, are you in peace? - Inquired the girl sitting on the bench beneath the red tree.
- Peace is very personal feeling, but at this very moment I could say I am. - He answered looking past the blue tree, into the mountainous horizon.
- So, sometimes you are not at peace?
- You seem surprised. - He stopped for a moment, but she only shifted her eyes from place to place, searching for an answer to a question not made. He went on. - Peace is not something eternal, or a final state of mind. It is like every other feeling, it comes when the time is right, and it goes away without warning. Being at peace is like a country in peace, life is easier, better, people suffer less, but one day a monster, or a mad man, attacks the country, and with the war, peace goes away.
- And how do you achieve peace? - Her eyes dropped to the ground, where she swept the dirt of the ground with her shoe.
- Well, peace is something very costly. It depends on what are you willing to spend to have it. Mainly peace depends of what peace means to you. Peace may be found in the destruction of something, by enjoying a beautiful landscape or even fishing with someone dear. Primarily, you choose what you are willing to spend to achieve peace.
- But... what exactly could be spent that way?
- Well, time is the most common, since anything you do will require some sort of time. Additionally emotions are something that can usually hinder your peace, so taking care of them is something you might need to achieve peace. You may need to sacrifice some emotion, or regain another, it depends only in yourself. I've seen people sacrifice friends, lovers and even family, of course I mean they've cut relationships with those people, not killed them. But it is not unheard of people who did take a life to go for peace, be it by revenge, or be it by taking their own life.
He walked calmly up to the middle of the courtyard, he looked back to her over his shoulder.
- The quest for peace is a most complicated one. Only you can trail your path, and only you know which path leads to it. The only true advice I can give you is, while on your path, try not to mess with others', but I would still say, don't worry too much about reaching some sort of peace, you may find that after so much trouble, it only lasts for a little time. It is better to enjoy the walk towards a possible peace, then run all the way to it, and lose yourself on the way.

It is all about memories.
"On one hand, painful memories can sometimes help one grow. On the other hand, joyful memories can make one look only backward and forget about moving forward."
True.
It is nearly impossible to expect a life with no bad recollections, but I can't imagine a life void of troubles in our world.
One can isolate oneself as much one wants, but in the end there will come a time to face an unpleasant world.
This may sound sad, but its not the impression I want to give.
You see, to be happy no one needs a life without bad memories. Bad memories serve to learn lessons, to prepare. The longer you keep without experiencing anything bad the greater are the chances of something happening.
But happiness does not reside in the lack of bad memories, but in the presence of good ones. Any moment one should be able to hold on to a good memory, and draw power from your experiences to press on forward into life.
And of course bad memories are not 100% bad. Being able to recall on something bad and see a positive side, or a lesson learned, is the mark of a happy life.
Memories are a basic and necessary part of our lives. They are there to remind us of what is important, of things that are not to be done again and to keep safe the occasional inspiring words one may need on the course of a rough day. They are forgotten, sometimes remembered, sometimes so strong no force can separate it from one's soul.
But a balance must be kept at all times. Drowning in a great memory is as easy as falling into the darkness of the bad memories. One must avoid being overwhelmed by the stronger memories. If you know a formula to do this, share with me.

Dual Blooded
- So, I don't get the difference.
- You will when you grow older, you are probably also Dual Blooded.
- Then explain to me know what does that change for me.
- Well primarily you have two different blood types flowing through your body.
- Ok, go on.
- Not much I guess. I can say that you normally use your main energy, from your primary bloodline, in our case, human. But the energies are separate, so you can deplete your human reserve and retain energy, but then you risk tapping into the other's blood power.
- You make it sound like it is something bad.
- It is. At least if you don't know how to control yourself. The second blood usually has a more primitive nature, since you raise it in an unnatural environment and never gives it any attention. So tapping into it may result on some sort of frenzy.
She stared a bit whiter than before, considering whether that could turn to worse in her life. Only after some moments she thought about what that meant about her brother.
- What is our second blood? Have you been through this sort of frenzy?
- You can't have that information yet, is is not good for you.
- You can't seriously keep that a secret now.
- When you are ready I'll tell you, and you can try asking mom or dad, but they have no idea about our dual blood. - He came closer, and passing his hand in her hair, messing it up, he said - Besides, our second blood brings up a more bestial form, so to speak. You wouldn't want to undergo a temporary metamorphosis. And yes, I did, and fortunately I've learned how to tap into that power, without it taking over me. When you are older, I'll help you control it to.
- How do I know this thing won't take over me before that.
- Just stay out of trouble, and don't get too hurt, and you may live a full life, without touching your second blood.

See... no? Then feel.

He skipped a heart beat.
one less breath taken.
He then felt forsaken
looking from a far away seat.

Life meant even less.
Failure seemed eminent.
Faded the glow of the bless.
No fun, or entertainment.

Her face from the past.
Emerged perfect, delicate.
Oh the wish to meet her fast.
Wasn't enough to medicate.

He needed more time,
or maybe just a rhyme,
for his friends to atone,
to find happiness alone.

Desperate and weak,
no will or reason to live.
Into the night to seek,
the end to get relief.

Perception
- What?!!! I am overreacting?
- Yes.
- Then think about what happens when someone YOU like as you out, how do you reply? Now think about the same situation, but your friends are asking you out. Now tell me... what the hell does it mean when you refuse any invitation to go out with someone?
- But...
- To me the message is clear. In the end it doesn't matter what you say, but what you do... now get away from me.

Humans & Laws
Is everything a direct consequence of being a sapient being?
Any species with self-awareness, the ability to communicate and retain knowledge will eventually form a society. And as a consequence will eventually create laws to protect people?
I'd like to say, "Hey, laws are great, they serve the purpose of maintaining order.", but I can't lie like that. Having laws mean nothing for society without a better judgment and well enforced application of the law. But none of those reflect our world.
We live in different, but world sharing, societies. This leads to conflicts in beliefs and interests. While one land enforces her practices over others, other nations cast a shadowy look of disapproval, while at the same time, doing little to enforce their own beliefs.
Of course, if everyone tried to push their believes over others, wars would never cease. But technically laws are there to avoid this... avoid abusive power over others, not wars. Wars as a abstract confrontation with or without violence is unavoidable, but we can prevent large scale conflicts using common laws that should go through out our race, not our lands.
The problem with everything is that few places really enforce their laws, leading to corruption, because in the end, when pushed against the wall, 99,999999% of all living beings will only look for their own interests, (being of course in case of most animals, their own life).
While we can pretend there are places where laws are actually enforced, there is still the problem of whether the laws make sense. Because, no one will agree to ALL laws they are faced with in the land they live. We vary so much in opinion that we can't simply find a common ground. And there are still people who will say that no matter your opinion, the laws are there for the BEST of people's interest in mind. Like there could exist such a thing as the best of people's interest. Law systems are plainly flawed, and we don't care because we don't feel the obligation to abide by them, unless under direct supervision by someone who will enforce the law up our sorry asses.
In case you are wondering, if you have more than a certain age (let's say 20 years old), you most surely have already broken AT LEAST one law. Haven't you played a game forbidden to your age? Downloaded an mp3 you had no right to download? Have you ever looked deeply into your traffic laws, because I'm sure there are infinite stupid things to break the law there.
Laws represent something good, but in our world, it has become a 18000 headed monster. Ever looked into, say a microwave, and seen a warning, DO NOT PUT ANIMALS IN THE MICROWAVE? Well, what leads to such a warning? The fucking law actually is on the side of people without any common sense (this is a really bad expression in the english language, is means "sound and prudent judgment based on a simple perception of the situation or facts", but this is something that the common person DOES NOT HAVE. In Brazil we use the directly translated Good Sense.). Back to the subject, the law grants people who do stupid things the preference over people that used "good sense". Manuals all over are filled with stupid sentences, that simply defy all logic, to protect companies from people ill intended.
This way we end up with lots of laws that seem stupid.
Recently I hear the new snow patch on the snowball. Somewhere (I didn't get the place, but it seemed that is was either US or UK) they are trying (or actually did, I'm still not certain) to create a law prohibiting the possession of a kind of pornography. Of course, this came from a desperate parent, who lost a child to some weird lunatic and had nothing better to do than find some reason to explain why someone killed his child and found this sort of porn as an excuse.
You all recall that fucking kid that grabbed some guns and fire inside a movie theater, and because he had played shooting games, people believed that the cause for his actions was rooted in the violent games. Oh COME ON, stupid shrinks!!!!! This was a minor set back for the industry. And in the very same way, this will ripple badly through porn industry, and affect many innocent people.
What I find flawed is that while there was a peaceful existence with things that are now illegal (example, the kind of porn) for many years. Upon ONE incident, (or statistically a very low number of incidents), they feel that disturbing the lives of many, because of one persons fault, is justified by "avenging" an angry parent.
A death of a dear one is always tragic, but taking it out on people who had nothing to do with it is just wrong.
Here the legend goes that RPG were prohibited some years in the past because a crazy vampire player actually KILLED a girl during one of his sessions.
Yet they believe that playing video games, rpg and watching porn is something bad, or that can lead to violent behaviors. That all considering that television news are more than packed with violence, and death. And with some countries waging wars with terrorism as an excuse.
People don't understand that the laws should keep humans from interfering with other people's lives in a bad manner, but instead most laws just fuck up most innocent people, because some delinquent had not the control over his temper. The guy is never a crazy serial killer, noooo, he always had an abusive parent, or painful childhood. Newsflash, many people have those, and very few manifest those scars in such a bad manner. People so like to believe that humans are plainly good and that things corrupt them, but no one is born good or evil, we are all born with both inside of us. (We shall ignore for the sake of argument that there is NO such thing as good or evil)
Whenever you make a decision, simply do the right thing. Think how your action will affect others, if it may cause pain to someone, then don't do it (with personal exceptions, you should not sacrifice yourself for someone else's sake, unless you want to).

Laziness & Short Attention Span
Ahhh the chance to choose whether to go, or not, see a class. A dream come true. But yet, a nightmare in practice. At least to me.
Nothing like battling against your bed in winter. To bad I lose frequently.
In my defense I tell myself that I'm doing a rather exhaustive weekly schedule, considering work, college, and learning a new language.
So, I'll see if I can survive this easy, but completely full semester, and as soon as it ends, I'll get some free time.
But then again, if I don't program myself, free time becomes useless, I'll just skip it, and I don't want that.
So here are my future plans, for as soon as I graduate from college.
Once a week, dedicate my afternoon to honing my skills with 3D modeling. Probably I should learn how to use blender, but at first I'll keep on with 3DStudioMax.
Once a week, dedicate my afternoon to programming the grand system. This should be more than natural to me ^^. But I must apply myself not to lose too much time doing stupid things.
Once a week, go see a movie. At least once a week. With or without friends, this probably could be substituted by a night out with friends.
Once a week, seriously prepare for the next rpg session. Spend hours planning ahead of the group, generating stores, designing dungeons (this could be allied to the 3D modeling project), creating monsters and NPCs. Or even working on tools to help this creation (allied to the grand system).
Well, friday I should play rpg, which would basically take another day off my schedule, but then again, I can dilute things around and find the time to do this. Once a week, spend time working on my book, so it can finally go on.
Well, if I find the time, I'd like to finish some pending books. And manga, and Anime.
Play video game on spare time.
And that should be that.
I'll try to keep up that in the future, and of course try to post here more frequently.

The art of Game Music
Being an avid fan of video games, part of the whole experience comes from the music.
I've posted many songs here that really meant something to me. But as this place is limited to words, I've put only songs that had lyrics. At best I may have mentioned some songs that had no vocal at all (like Destati - Dive into the heart, that has a chorus, but no lyrics).
When video games began, little audio could be produced by them, having limited audio channels it was difficult to create a melody. But even so, that did not keep the major artists from achieving immortality. Mario, Sonic, Zelda and many other games whose music will live on for many years to come if not forever. Latter, video games achieved more audio channels allowing better songs and sound effects. This now represents musics that were award winning, and seemed more like something out of an orchestra. Now a days we can put mp3 into games, so we can produce any kind of songs we desire.
One thing that is interesting to observe about the general public. They will listen to rock, samba, jazz, swing, pop, black and even funk. But show them a song that is from a game, and they will criticize like hell. But recently I heard this new cd from a radio station that my friend got as a gift. If you took the lyrics out, that song was left with a two instruments beat, with no more creativity than the worse songs in video games. What made those songs top hits? Their lyrics.
Sure, lyrics are important, but not essential. Therein lies the beauty of video game soundtracks. The skill it takes to put emotion into a scene, or a moment, without using words, is as great as creating a historical melody. Doing so with limited tools, is worthy of recognition.
It requires this artistic mind to see the art within songs without lyrics. I love this band, Rhapsody, and in most of their CDs they put some songs with no lyrics. The ones with lyrics represent great progressive rock songs, but the ones without are the ones that set you into this medieval ambient. Same goes with games, a song without words, is no less artistic than one with, but it surely has to have a great artist behind to pass such vivid sensations without describing them.
I feel bad for the composers, both kinds, but specially the ones that compose for video game, since they'll be less credited for their creations. I believe they don't care, they sure shouldn't worry what the world thinks of them, but I'm greatly thankful for all the heart they put into their creations, for I believe they give much more emotion than most top hit songs.
I believe they are true artist, some of the greatest there ever were, and their names should not be forgotten.
People should learn to appreciate more types of art, or at least respect the others.

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 26 ~
"... metal rang upon impact. The force was unexpectedly strong. Not only strong but fast enough to connect against such precise dodge movement. The sword flew across the room, hitting awkwardly the wall. He stopped on a pillar half the way to the wall, and fell to the ground.
"Falling into a trap is one thing, being out bested by it is another thing." - he thought trying to regain his breath.
Many meters away, the others seemed to be in the same kind of trouble. Cid's lance barely scratched the foe's armor, while Selina's spells seemed more than effective, she could not get the break to cast them.
The metal arm swung wide, and Cid jumped high into the air just barely avoiding it. That did not stop the construct from attacking, throwing some of the knives it had for long distance strikes. Airborne creatures tend to have difficulty avoiding attacks, of course, that does change is you have wind on your side. Cid deflected some of the projectiles with his lance, and using wind blades he threw the rest out of the way, while he dove to strike.
He trusted the lance forward, aiming for the chest, but the metal arm intercepted the blow. Of course, this kind of attack is usually strong enough to break most defenses, in this case you and up with a construct with a spear lodged into his right arm. That makes a gentle twist of the arms throw Cid far away, without his lance.
Selina kept dodging and parrying around, but each parry threw her back some meters and were quite exhausting, considering mages have very little endurance.
Every time she used her powers to teleport away from the golem it just charged for her, throwing its knives whenever she tried to cast something.
She managed to cast a tremor spell, throwing the creature of its balance.
They say, whenever something major is about to happen, or when something important is about to suffer, the great warriors take a really deep breath instinctively and calmly look around, and see in a slow motion like experience, all the little things falling into place leading to that significant event.
She took that deep breath. Cid landed on his hands and feet gliding a few meters away. His enemy charged right past her going to face her unarmed friend, but what caught her sight, right in front of her, past the trembling golem, Maelstron in the floor, trying to get up, and the golem, swinging a sword right at him. As she sprung forth, building up energy, her body yelled "Nooooo!!!!!" against her will. She had to get past the first golem, but she was too close to do this safely, and yet she did not stop. She whispered to herself softly "Dimensional Portal" as the new image in front of her projected the the area in front of the pillar where Maelstron was, facing the golem, she ran as fast as she could, but the golem who had just recovered his ground did not wait mercifully for her, it trusted the not so thin piece of metal he called sword forward in her direction, the blade barely made it through the portal where she disappeared, but the blade was covered in blood.
Space, being opposite to Time, does not provide the most helpful hand when going from one place to another in an instant of time. But she needed more time or she would just get there to be hacked in two. She needed time to pull a barrier of some sort. "But how?" she asked herself trying to focus through the pain. Good thing about pain, it often leads to rage, and that can be the source of much greater power. The amulet. He had given it to her for a reason, the shield shaped, with a feather like pattern amulet she wore so dearly around her neck.
On the other side of the portal, Maelstron was still confused about the bashing, he thought he felt a burst of energy, he thought he heard someone yell "Grand Shield", but what brought him to his senses was the drop of blood that hit his cheek. He looked upward, his eyes opened wide, his pupils dilated, and as he gasped deeply he held his breath in fear.
The golem held its sword firmly pushing downward, a bright blue light emerged from the wing shaped shield that manifested in its way, holding the sword still. Behind the shield, the soft and gentle face from Selina, showed off more anger and pain that he had ever seen in her, she held one arms straight forward projecting the shield, and the other trembled as she held the pendant. Beneath the trebling left arm her waist was bleeding fast, through this wound that seemed to have cut her half way through. Her cloak and robes were completely red on the left side, and were dripping from every corner.
He wanted to yell "No!", but his body did not respond. The shocking sight brought up memories. In the slow paced scene that he so helplessly observed, he thought of an infinite number of situations, of how he could have avoided this, on how it all began.
He thought of drawing that sword. But his instincts held him back. Bow, pistols, daggers. He had nothing that was more powerful than his sword. His mentor used to say, "Your weapons, are not your source of power, but you are the source of power of your weapons. They can be of help, but eventually it all comes down to how you use them, and how powerful you are.".
He was not strong, but was considerably fast. But much more importantly, he had learned how to use his own power very well. He..."
~ End of Part 26 ~

NO
No car
No sound
No money
No love
No company
No knowledge
(No items, Fox only, final destination)
No conversation
Nothing important
No time (ha!!! like anyone has)
No will
No

We use this word too much. Of course we only feel it is effect when we stop do think about it, but no is a very strong word. It represents the contradiction, the denial of one's wish. It binds every time a bit more as one hears it.
This is a sad word.
I'd like to stop using it.

Infection and Thoughts
This past week I've had a stomach infection. I don't know the source of the problem.
It's been many more years than I care to remember since I last had something of this magnitude.
Somethings turn in a weird fashion.
One would expect that with this sort of infection, one would layoff some foods and drinks that are usually considered unhealthy, while focusing on healthy things.
Instead, some of the most natural and healthy things I eat dropped right of the selection, while one of the most common things I drink, which is not healthy, and some junk food like things I often have, were actually recommended.
This serves more as a reminder that no matter what seems logical, or expected, someone out there will still do their best to surprise you.
Of course, not going to work or college, and even sacrificing social events, all to heal one's body, leads to a lot a excess time.
I did sleep my share. And tried to do somethings more productive. In the end, I mainly skipped through the week.
Saw some anime. Read some manga. Watched TV.
But my mind will not skip time, and nor will my heart sleep through the ages.
So I did spend some time thinking about many things.
I really want to post more often here, but this semester is going to be very hard, and it barely started.
But on one notice, I'll try to follow the steps of Mary Schmich on her publication in the Chicago Tribune, and try to put wisdom into words. Maybe I can find the words fo move in the same way.

A Break Within the Storm
Rain fell heavily. Roads went wet, but not flooded, good for anyone passing through it.
The air got colder, maybe a good change from those hot days.
Clouds formed from everywhere, each one darker than the previous one. Flashes on lighting tore the sky into fragments of an already chaotic image.
Winds were strong. But not constant, they shifted from side to side, making the rain dance by it's will. Only lightning seemed to not care about wind. Even the sound of lightning got mixed up with the roaring wind.
Swirling figures in the sky, twisting and twirling with the nearly black clouds, brought only turmoil to the scene.
One could guess that a hurricane would join the symphony of chaos to help destroy the landscape. But no... not there... there couldn't be a hurricane there...
At least that's what everyone thought.
Only a small push away, the only thing needed was the right amount of energy in the right direction.
Everyone drew a long deep breath. They stared quite silently, not a single breathing to be heard, just waiting for the worse. We all expect the worse.
Then, it happened, like an ordinary event, of an seemingly ordinary day. Right on that damp road.
The storm broke.
Quickly... VERY quickly.
It was like all clouds burst away from a center.
And every heard the reason.
Where was once those roaring winds, thundering lightnings and splashing rain, now was the sound of one music.
All my friends.
At one moment, every little piece of the sky fell into place, just as if to hear this song.
Or maybe it was the power of the song.
No one knew.
But all of them listened.
And they felt it.
Not very often to see a music break through such a storm and bring peace with it.
But peace is as fleeting as the song that brings it, and the same way it came with the music, it also went away with the music's end.
And the storm continued from where it left, weaker from the break, happier for the pause.
Even nature will open way for a song in the right place, in the right time.

The Value of a Dream
Among lots of thoughts, and inner discussions, I said to myself, in a special context which is not important, "at least that way I get to dream".
Not the most insightful sentence in the world.
But looking deeply, it is more meaningful than it looks.
Children are special, in many different ways. One very important one is that they dream about their future. So many untapped potential, just waiting to be molded by their desires and dreams.
Yet so many adults like us face a life without dreams. They may be happy, have a good job, a loving family. Even may look like everything is fulfilled. But one little variable wasn't taken into account.
Ever questioned why did we go to the moon when we should try to save our planet? Or why small groups of people try to fight against a system that could not care less about them? Why does the hero go far and beyond, face horrible dangers and traps, slay foul beasts just to save a (Not necessarily cute) princess?
Because they dream of accomplishing something far greater than reality. Because we dream to discover something special, because they dream of making a difference, and because he dreams of finding a fair and gentle princess who will love him.
We like to joke that women drive this world forward. We say men only build the things they did, or do stupid, unnecessary things for one reason. To impress females.
Of course we know it is a joke. (with some truth behind it)
But I honestly believe that everything that is more difficult is being done for the sole purpose of fulfilling dreams. We see so many scientists who work like slaves, countless hours, overtimes, with little or no perspective of discovering something significant in their fields, but they still do it with passion, just for the odd chance of making this simple, yet powerful, dream come true.
Probably, one of the saddest things I've seen in my life was a person without dreams. Someone who gave up on life in a way that they have no will to fight, reason to wake up. That is the lack of dream. Not that they don't have dreams, they dream of a day when things may be better, but that dream is so unreachable that they don't go for it, it is not that important.
Dreams are the only reason why we fight without taking odds into account. Why would a human fight a dragon, that is suicide, but yet, dream of greatness drives them forward into the lair of the beast.
That is what makes most children so special.
Dreams are something fragile and precious. Just be careful not to break anyone's dream. That is a most vile crime.

Nobuo Uematsu ~ The Greatest Composer ~

Audi famam illius.
Solus in hostes ruit
Et patriam servavit.
Audi famam illius.
Cucurrit quaeque tetigit destruens.
Audi famam illius.
Audi famam illius.
Spes omnibus,mihi quoque.
Terror omnibus,mihi quoque.
Ille
Iuxta me.
Ille iuxta me.
Socii sunt mihi.
Qui olim viri fortes
Rivalesque erant.
Saeve certando pugnandoque
Splendor crescit.


I have heard of his rumor.
He alone rushed into his enemies
and saved his homeland.
I have heard of his rumor.
He ran across the lands and everything he touched was destroyed.
I have heard of his rumor.
I have heard of his rumor.
He gave everyone hope, as he gave me.
He gave everyone fear, as he gave me.
He is now...
next to me.
He is now next to me.
My allies are with me.
My allies, who were once heroes
and old enemies, are here.
As they fiercely competed and battled
their splendor grew!

This song requires no introduction.
And it means more than most songs to me, as it also is the most important song to enter my life in ages.
I would one day like to meet him, he made me feel at peace so many times, I'd like to thank him.

A small log... just to say somethings I can't say to anyone...
Tostiche, respect--
The Spiderwick Chronicles, respect++
Moved by evil, torn by good. Who'd have guessed that my good side was going to kill me.....
I fail... I'm not good at anything...
The cake was not technically a lie.
No, I'm not alive, not that you care.
It's been too long... I miss that feeling... I even miss the pain it caused...
Indeed, it is much harder to go on when you have no reason to wake up the next day, or an objective to fight for.
I wish for a silent eternal night.
Juno is a great movie.
Asuna, Rosette, Saber, Tia, Sakura... I'll remember your pain so long as I live, as a reminder of the good things to fight for, and those who fought for it
I'm tired. I'm so tired, Selan. Let me sleep for a while next to you.
I'm so sorry my companion cube...
Square and Disney make a phenomenal combination.
And so does Square and Nintendo.
Masahiro Sakurai, congratulations.
Lumas are great.
No one to share this with.
I don't want to wait six more years.
109 years old is a lot, don't you think.
Three seals aren't enough to keep my soul under check.
I'd rather be lonely alone, than lonely surrounded by other people.
Yes, it does bother me to see so many couples in the mall, and to see couples kissing...
One side does not care about sex (even thought it enjoys it), the other wants so badly to experience new things...
I don't walk like an egyptian, but I do like the song.
I still want to buy that sword for him.
And that telescope for him.
And that plush for her.
I will someday buy the things I want.
For your own safety, all communication services have been suspended.
Japanese is a hard, (and fairly stupid), language, but I still want to learn.
I miss you three.
I still hope the RPG will proceed and conclude well in time.
I have five important books to read, none of them which I have the time for.
I do waste lots of time in unimportant things.
But then again I must admit, I don't see anything important to spend my time on.
You can call me cheap, but I do spend a lot of money on things that matter, too bad I don't have enough....
I know the meaning of life, but I wont tell you.
Yes, 42 IS the answer.
Nothing beats bad luck.
No one has worst aim than a vogon.
There are NO snakes on the plane ~.~
Yes, I do believe in Dragons.
One day the world economy will collapse, and the world will suffer one of the greatest crisis since dawn of civilization. Don't say I didn't warn you.
(Almost) Everyone loves my dog... the poor thing is as stupid as a door.
No one regrets nothing.
You do NOT look as fat as you imagine.
Blah blah blah.
Yes, my internet SUCKS =P.
Brawl, is a fucking awesome game.
John Williams is STILL the man.

End of log...

Coin Attraction
It took some time, I wanted to hold it in my hands.
Stare at it for all its beauty, and feel all the meanings involved.
To most, it's a simple object, without any considerable value. I could consider it the proof of a conquest, not a worthy conquest, but the prize for stepping up to a challenge, and seeing it through the end.
Saying like that makes it sound more like a consolation prize =P.
In the end, it should mean more to me.
As my life, and all the webs that form my devious mind, are all formed by links, some strong, others weak... but memory links. It is how a simple scent can jog up the memory of your childhood adventures into the kitchen while someone baked something delicious, or may remind you of a person important to you, by the perfume they used to wear.
This coin, has more to it to me than anyone can guess by looking.
It has so many memories attached to it, all of them recent enough to be still printed in the dark corridors of the labyrinth that is my mind. May they be sound, great melodies discovered by experience, or even the feeling it felt at some point in the fun of my recent past.
I could hold it all day.
I wish I could bring it everywhere with me. But as the memories and bonds tighten each time I look at this round thin object, I fear for my incompetence.
It has become so important, becoming one of my most cared possessions, that I seal my urge to take it everywhere with me, just like with this stone, so I won't lose it. It would make me really sad to lose this.
Funny how something so seemingly unimportant becomes such a valuable treasure just because it lies in place in the web of your brain, that ripples to other good memories, and becomes the center for a more pleasurable part of your life.
And this I know...
We all need more pleasurable things and memories in our life.
Ill treasure this coin with all my strength.

Orientation School - First Class of Spiritual Guidance
- Energy is the essence! All beings in this world are fundamentally made of energy, be it human, animal, beast plant, not only them but all objects such as rocks, weapons and clothes. The only exception for this are creatures and objects created through magic spells, not summons as these bring creatures from other places.
The teacher walked to the front of his desk slowly. He wore a dark green overcoat, with a black shirt, and brown pants. His belt had some items attached to it, mostly potions and other utensils for teaching. He held his hand upfront.
- As you all know, every living being has the ability, with few exceptions, to manifest this energy upon the world, like this. - He said concentrating his own energy in the palm of his hand, which after some instants began to glow, and with a bright flash appeared a small bird in his hand.
The young ones didn't seem greatly surprised, but more as dazzled by the beauty of the power.
- Most of you have experienced a bit with your own spirit. Of course most of you can't do much more than simple manipulation of the elements, but we are all here to learn more about these powers and how to develop them. So, first of all, does any one remember how many spirits are there?
Some of them raised their hands shyly and said sixteen.
- Good. Sixteen elements, being Life, Death, Time, Space, Light, Darkness, Fire, Water, Earth, Wind, Thunder, Neutral, Animal, Plants, Mind and Body. They each represent one of the elements from nature. So why do you think our spirits are important?
- Because we can't survive without it. - Said a boy in the front.
- Because it is what gives us power. - Said a girl near the window.
- Because it makes us what we are. - Said another girl in the back of the class.
- When we are born, the energy from around us come to gather in our body, and give us life, allowing us to be part of nature. Even the most isolated creature in the universe, and any parallel plane, is given the spiritual gift. One may not even use it, but having it allows our conscientiousness to be within our body, and thus making us a whole being.
The teacher walked towards the window. Only to say in calm but gloomy voice.
- We all know that no being can exist devoid of spiritual energy, but even so, people talk of beings who have no soul, no spirit, and live only to hunt those who have spiritual energy. I've never seen one, and highly doubt they do in fact exist. With energy we are a part of this world, and as we live, we borrow this energy from existence, so that when we die, this energy returns to be recycled with all the purest energy of the world.
The children seemed to be mixed the awe and fear, but were all paying close attention to their teacher's words. He stepped back to behind his desk, and started writing into the projection screen.
- During this course we will see the nuances of each spirit, where does it come from, and where does it go to. The delicate balance in nature among the spirits. A little history. And of course, will practice a lot to control our own energy.
The sound of pencils writing down the topics filled the class. This was the first class, the first of many. Those were the children who would learn to use their own spirits for their own will. From then on, theory would come to practice, and that they needed a lot.

Eerie Feeling
Where I come from, we've got a different religion. Not we as a nation, we as a collective of people.
We basically chose what we wanted to believe in, from all the things that are unexplainable things.
And even for some things physics try to explain, we simply believe there's something more, because even physics know there is something missing in their equations.
The thing is.
Some days ago I was feeling this adrenaline surge. This crushing feeling in the heart.
From what I believe, this kind of sensation means some sort of premonition. Not the classic one where one dreams about something that is about to happen, but more like when you know there is something out of place, or someone you care for is in danger.
It had been a long time since the last time I felt this way. Years.
This one came crushing down with such force, sometimes I couldn't even get up from the bed.
It is sort of panicking to feel that which is most precious to you being ripped away and yet not knowing why, when, where, who or even if.
Some people, I believe, have the gift to feel their surroundings and extract more from it than just what sight, hearing, touch, smelling and tasting gives them.
I felt... so many things. Things I once called rips in the fabric of time space. Mainly an anomaly in the world. Be it precognition, omen, farsight or whatever, I had a knack for knowing when something odd was about to happen.
It felt like time had collapsed around me.
Powerless
Without knowledge
Oblivious
Dark
Even though I searched for what was wrong, I did not find anything.
Good I guess. But I wonder nonetheless if something had just started to snowball from that point.
Twists and turns, spikes of feeling nearly seeming like that one, the last few weeks have been confusing.
But in the end, all was to remind me... of what I knew, of what I signed in for.
I live cursed.
Or that is what I was led to believe.
Can one have so little luck?

The Legacy of the Future
Future is uncertain and unknown.
Forgetting people who believe in fate, and destiny, and that the future is already certain.
What we fail to perceive among uncertainty and our only interest in one's own life, is that there are things about the future that are bound to happen.
Most of the time we consider the future can hold great things, and that solo perspective is what makes some people fight against all odds.
Sometimes people talk about but never really stopped to perceive what the future of this world is.

I for one, have been saying for many years that I won't have children, not so much because I don't want to, but more for many reasons that escape my control. Among these reasons, stand the logic that bringing a child into this world is just wrong for a child. Not drastically, but I reason like this.
As years pass we are reaching the end of some natural resources that we can't restore. So in some years, not a lifetime, but maybe in the next millennium, water will become a critical issue, not to mention the shortage of oil will cause great chaos in the economy system. We have global warming, we have the raise of the sea levels. Basically we are headed towards a more chaotic world and in my vision, worse. Worse unless something huge is done.

Well, recently I saw this video about economy. About how our baking system works, and were the money comes from. After 40 minutes, lacking 7 because it didn't load the end, I renewed my faith that we are headed towards really rough times.
Our economic system is naturally flawed, and doomed to crash, the thing is, it's crash can be forever delayed as long as we can extract natural values, resources, from the planet. That will take who knows how long, but as population grow, resources fade, eventually will face a world wide economic crisis.

I don't like being bleak, but the future is going to be though, on anyone there to face it. As for the present, I'll do my best for a better life/world. But people really need to acquire some consciousness about what is going on, and what will be in time. Economists have foreseen it, but they are a very little minority.
As long as we delay it, the more difficult it will be to fight it.

Countermeasures
The seal loosened with each blow.
The seal used to contain the beast.
Were it to break, there would be once again a long period of darkness to face.
It seemed like the fight would go on for a while. So measures were taken.
First, hide, where the blows don't reach. Let some time pass so the wounds stop bleeding.
Isolation would be but temporary, as the time demanded confrontation. So prepare for battle.
Take in the breeze fresh air.
Prepare another talisman to keep the seal under check.
And last, silently step through the shadows, avoiding needless confrontations and stick with what is important.
No more joining extra fights.
No more expecting help.
Fighting alone is better training, and is more reliable.
May this new bond hold the inner demon. May it allow a clean fight.

Dive!
In an unexpected turn of events, I entered a diving course.
On more of a new, I got a job, it began this last week.
Seems like a really great turn of events right ^^.
Diving, though, is a risky business. Leaving your own environment, going into an unknown place. It can be great, but you may find yourself surrounded and facing more grief than you prepared for.
So it was how I learned that a seemingly good week turns to a bad one on the flash of a lightning, and that presence of light, followed suddenly by it's absence.
So, on work, I had no computer to work there, since it is in programming I can do very little without a computer, so I would go to work at home. Huge mistake... I forgot Murphy was watching. Two days I had blackouts here at home, one for eight hours, and the other for four, right on the time a was going to work.
Oh just two days right? No... the other day I went out with a friend for a movie. Had to wait for half an hour, and the movie stirred up those sad feelings buried deep inside, but she seemed more unconcerned than I'd like. Upon my arrival home, I went to my computer thinking of working, only to find the internet down. One day I had to take a friend to the hospital to check up her stomach, which was hurting, once again, no internet when I got home. And the last day was just about the lack of internet.
At the end I produced more during the time I spent at work, even without a computer. But I produced a lot less than I find acceptable.
On the diving class, on the last class (the one that is more practical, therefore more fun) my air ran out first, leaving me doing nothing for the last half an hour of the class.
At the end of the week, to relax, I went to play on my nintendo Wii. Ten minutes into the game, both of my battery pairs were dried out. So no fun for me.
Well... things now seem a bit more normal. The extra theoretical class for the diving course went really smoothly today.
The course was really nice, especially the practical parts ^^. I can't wait to go to my baptism on Parati. I say it is a nice experience for anyone who likes water, swimming. So if you have a chance, do it. The wonders under the sea are great things to observe... one of those must try experiences.
As for me, I end this week feeling sad, for many reasons, wishing to find something to cry about, and just trying to plan next week with the little time I'll have.
Diving into anything in life is uncertain, but at least diving at sea is more predictable, and you'll most likely have an instructor the first time, so if you wanna dive into something, go for Scuba Diving.

Collective Restraint

You, who softly touched my chest.
Who looked into my eyes, and smiled calmly.
You came near my face, lips close to ear. You spoke gentle words, words so intimate that my belt should not hear them.
You held my hand. You asked about my past. You told me about yours.
You seemed so perfect. We seamed great together.
But you... YOU... you were the one who mocked me in front of our friends.
You barely spoke with me, and when you did, you always called others into conversation.
You frequently ran to greet and talk to others, leaving me alone.

Masks. Restraints. Acts. Posers.
Most people have a closet full of masks. One mask for each occasion. For some people in particular, for groups, of friends, coworkers, family, teammates. Internet has proportionated a vast chance to do this. In each forum, online game, instant messaging and chat rooms identities are lost, replaced with masks of who we wish to be.
Normal, common.
I hate it... for two main reasons.
Because of people who you know (by experience, or intuition) that could be great friends with you, if only you had the time to be alone and become friends, but the person is NEVER alone, always wandering in groups of friends. When you propose to do something, the first reaction is to invite the rest of the group.
And because of people who are the nicest friends, you get along really well, only when alone. In groups it is if you never existed.
Surely most people do this, even your's truly. You don't play around with sex jokes around your family, and you can't mock people from your work. Each social interaction is unique in it's own way, and so you need to act accordingly.
I won't say it is wrong, because it probably isn't, but I feel very frustrated when I meet someone who only knows how to function in a group, never goes out without the group, and in the group you just can't become friends, you may only become part of the group.
You see, these restraints imposed by social interaction, limit the proximity of people in your life. With REALLY rare occasions people in a group are just close, rarely being intimate enough, like pairs of friends usually are.
I know being alone with someone, other than boy/girlfriend, is rare, with the few time we have in our world. That comes to be really annoying when you know a really great person, with great conversation, that when with others isn't the same. The conversation aren't as fun, as intimate, as comfortable.
Comfortable. That's the difference.
Statistically speaking, the chance of one feeling comfortable enough to talk personal things is much higher with one friend than with six. This serves as a restraint about conversations.
The so called collective restraint. The things one won't talk within a group, but would when sitting alone.
I hate to lose a possible friend to such a stupid social barrier.
Masks are there to ease adaptations to new and different situations, not to isolate us from a true bond.Publish Post
Just remember to sometimes take of the masks, and let your true self breath and maybe make some friends, it's important for you, and for them.

Christmas
Well, long has passed and I've neglecting this blog.
Well, we passed through that 200th post, and I have lots of subjects lined up.
But I've been enjoying some rest after all the struggles I faced.
So soon I'll be writing more often hopefully.
For now, merry christmas to everyone, and good celebrations all around during this time of year.

From us all,
Maelstron, Maxim, Thomas

The Death of an Angel
Well, I don't mean an actual angel, she could be from any race. Maybe part angel, maybe part shadow, maybe part demon. What matters is how she acted, and she did it like only the angels you imagine do.
Steph. That's her name... or at least part of it.
She grew as a timid person. She didn't know lots of people, but she still wandered around smiling and observing. She was very calm, extremely patient and thought before acting.
She had few friends. Those she had she vowed to protect. She formed a special kind of bond, even though they did not know it. She was the one behind the simple things, the one who went after that special gift, or the one to give support whenever needed.
Life was simple. Her only troubles were things that made her stronger.
Her observations gave her unique insight of the world, or that's what she believed. But she knew she had lots to learn yet.
She realized how people around the world related to one another. How there are groups of peoples, split by what they do in life and how their priorities stand. The funny thing she discovered was this hidden, barely known group. She saw how life took it's course, but near everyone happy, there was someone working the extra mile, cleaning the stones in the path.
Most people aren't aware of these people. Well of course these people aren't invisible, they talk with everyone, like any ordinary person. The difference lies in their actions. The way they do things to make other feel better, they work on simple things, like carrying your drunk friend home or paying attention to their preferences. They do nice things, but... they don't take credit. You see, people complain whenever something bad happens in their life, but they rarely question when something good happens. Sometimes it's luck, some are fruits of hard work, but when one is having fun and enjoying a good streak one almost never stops to think it could be because of someone else.
As she grew her own identity, she felt that this was her style, to help, in the silent of the night. She took every opportunity she could, was it a sad face, or the nickname in the messenger or simple tone in someone's voice. She tried to get to know people, just to help. She listened to others, that made them feel better. She paid attention to details. She tried to be nice. This was her routine.
Bound to her own life cycle, she continued each day with her routine.
Bonds with friends were loosened through the years, old companions left her life. She didn't realize the consequences of this, so she focused on her friends.
New friendships began. Old ones broke. She was in transition to a new stage of her life.
Things were different, more mature. She still had not found her missing knowledge.
Critical changes were at her front, she had to react in order to preserve her vows. So she adapted.
This critical change, the loss of a friend, the now more mature part of her, and the need to stand on her own gave her the snap of knowledge she needed.
She would come to regret this.
She felt for the first time helpless. No action could save this old friendship. She felt that this was something important to people. Friendship was a feeling worth preserving. So she dedicated herself to her friends.
After some choices, a road lead to a pot of happiness for her, this second chance with her past.
This was the time to learn. She was beside one of the greatest angels of all time, and she met another one during this same period.
One thing about this particular group of people. You know how most people tend to live with people like them. So geeks go with geeks, artists hand with artists and well, most people follow this pattern. It is all about finding the group where you identify yourself. But contrary to these groups, "angels" don't hang with angels. They seek people who need them, or for some natural unexplained reason, people who need them seek these guardian angels. From what she observed, she never saw two true angels hanging together. Usually, we consider the group of these guardian angels, and the group in need of help. The thing is, this one way relationship does not help the angels. Since angels don't usually help each other, angels are bound not to get help.
Helping, like doing anything, without recognition is a consuming action. Being an angel implies not to expect recognition.
She found this mirror of her own identity, she look at what she was. She saw what she wanted. She wanted to be able to depend on someone. She wanted an angel for her. She wanted the one thing she could have.
These two angels in her life saw her on the ground, weak, in despair. They took her by the hand, and put her back on her feet. They helped her to survive her own breakdown.
When you're about to break up, you have the small chance of seeing beside you an angel, maybe more, even if you are an angel. You realize you have someone to protect you.
So she found renewed strength in the comfort of other angels. And so she went on with her mission in life, helping people.
She lost countless afternoons talking with people, trying to give them confidence. Hearing their problems, helping them solve them, even the simple ones like math homework.
A lot of learning and growth followed through that time.
But as years pass, time becomes more scarce, and people more distant. But still, the will to help held on. Driven by the will to pass forward the help received she went forward.
A friend's marriage fell, an old colleague passing through a rough time. Some friends with trouble with dates. And each time less time to pay up her own maintenance cost.
She felt the distance with her friends on her wings. A huge weight keeping her from moving in a good pace. She blamed the angels for leaving her, just to elude her from her fate. She was once again alone.
Eventually she found a new set of people to be with.
As she tried to help, make this new set of people feel happier, hope grew with her, the hope her wish would come true. Time was just enough for her dream do scale out of proportion, rendering her depending of that false hope.
This, as it may sound, is quite big. To hope so dearly on one thing, depending on how one person will react, is a really risky gamble. Going against all her common sense, and her own advices, her dream went on.
She felt bad, she knew not why, she had some perception that her dream was about to end. But no one, and I'm yet to find an exception, can brace themselves to see their dreams fall apart.
So it hit the road, on a sharp left turn, it all ended. But wait, we are used to see our dreams die, change or adapt. We do it since kids. Those who dream of becoming soccer stars, astronauts or even curing cancer, but eventually end up in something more "realistic".
It's sad, but it's how we are raised.
So, this critical stop on the wall on the road wasn't that big of a deal. In fact, she knew she could get through it. The catch was, was could not do it alone.
Getting yourself up is hard. It's far more easy to get someone else up. But angels get no help, if they are usually unseen, when they lie on the side of the road, silent, they are even more invisible.
She sat there alone.
Silence...
Deep silence.
Then a little sob.
Her mind was cracking, she kept questioning her own self, asking herself if she was a nice person, if she hurt anyone, if she deserved to be alone. She began to convince herself she deserved to suffer.
Angels should never strive for justice. It's against their nature. Yet, when everything is down, we all wish things were fair. That the rich didn't have so much money, and the poor so little.
Now, when you're suffering, and you rather believe in justice, the only conclusion is that either something really good will happen, or that you deserved to be where you are.
Time passed. Too much time. She did not recover. And no one... waited.
She felt truly alone, and since there was no prospect of good turns, she went with the only possible thing to accept. She was not nice.
She developed this trail of thought. She did what was nice to her, and that hurt people, even if they were her most inner and natural actions. So, in order to help others, the best way was to stay away.
She raised, the little she could, and went on her way. Slowly, everyday farther from others.
No one missed her.
The echo of her voice gradually faded into oblivion.
She was alone.
She ignored her calling.
She ignored those in need. And she felt worse each time.
A year passed down this road.
A year is a long time. It may seem to pass quick. But when each day you look into your own actions and judge yourself, one year is far too much.
The guilt drove her weak.
The feeling of failure drove away all sense of purpose.
She lost a reason to go on.
Why take the next step she asked.
No one answered.
Angels, may fade away. The don't simply die. They fade, disappear from everyone's lives.
They vanish, until not a shred of them is traceable.
She was so sweet.
She is now, nowhere to be found.
She left this world, into a place with flowers as far as the eye can see.
The sad thing... is that...
she will not be missed... because no one ever saw her work...

Meltdown
While I do admit I have been stalling to post here, I did it only because I had no time and wanted to do a quality post. Since this is post number 199, there will be some time until the next post. Unfortunately I have no time at all. My brain is in the current state of a yellow mold, just like a gooey weak substance with no power to do anything but sit there.
It's been some months, I done some tests, have been developing my graduation project. And on the very little time I've had I played some games.
Now, just out of a test, I have some homework to do, but my brain has collapsed. I've been feeling nauseated and woozy since yesterday.
I'm fed up...
I want to relax a bit.
And lately people have been pressing on my last nerve.
I also had some psychologically straining family matters to deal in my head, and my own abilities have been leading me to suffer before time.
Life seems now too fragile to challenge it.
Well, I'm here just to say I'm alive, soon to return to my usual postings. I have some interesting things lined up to post.
Let's see, maybe I can post 200 on my birthday.
Well, I should go back to my obligations.
Until next time.

Luck!

O Fortuna                           O Fortune,
velut luna                          like the moon
statu variabilis,                   you are changeable,
semper crescis                      ever waxing
aut decrescis;                      and waning;
vita detestabilis                   hateful life
nunc obdurat                        first oppresses
et tunc curat                       and then soothes
ludo mentis aciem,                  as fancy takes it;
egestatem,                          poverty
potestatem                          and power
dissolvit ut glaciem.               it melts them like ice.

Sors immanis                        Fate - monstrous
et inanis,                          and empty,
rota tu volubilis,                  you whirling wheel,
status malus,                       you are malevolent,
vana salus                          well-being is vain
semper dissolubilis,                and always fades to nothing,
obumbrata                           shadowed
et velata                           and veiled
michi quoque niteris;               you plague me too;
nunc per ludum                      now through the game
dorsum nudum                        I bring my bare back
fero tui sceleris.                  to your villainy.

Sors salutis                        Fate is against me
et virtutis                         in health
michi nunc contraria,               and virtue,
est affectus                        driven on
et defectus                         and weighted down,
semper in angaria.                  always enslaved.
Hac in hora                         So at this hour
sine mora                           without delay
corde pulsum tangite;               pluck the vibrating strings;
quod per sortem                     since Fate
sternit fortem,                     strikes down the string man,
mecum omnes plangite!               everyone weep with me!

Ever changing, luck can drive you crazy. One day you feel lucky, win prizes, bets, nothing seems to be able to stop you, the next day every little thing, from forgetting your wallet, to being arrested for driving without license, goes wrong.
Luck will always change, untamed. Some have more luck than others, just look around you. Isn't there a person that seems to have all the luck. Someone you've never seen anything bad happen to.
In balance there is people who seem to fight against luck itself. Everyday struggles to get to a destination without something bad happening.
Why is our lives tied to something so unpredictable? What to do then?
Nothing... live.
Try to flow with it. Seek harmony, and go beyond the problems of luck.
Luck, the very essence of the randomness in life.

The Outer Triad
Our life takes us through many things. And even with many decisions to take, and things to balance in life, we still must keep up some principles.
But each person lives in different places, and therefore may have to live up to different principles.
But important things should be global. If possible, universal.
But then again, this will never be true. But I have my own principles. Some that I believe defines a person and one's worth.
After all. We are social beings, so we cannot live alone. But this requires us to have social rules that can guarantee a pacific life, without clashing about every little misunderstanding.
So what is important? To your life you must fight for your happiness, but so that you don't have to brawl with people you know, you must not interfere negatively in someone's life or even against their will. This is tricky, I know. Many moments in life you have to think ahead and see how your next decision, next action will affect the lives of people around you. Just so that we're clear on this, sometimes your decision may affect others, and when you choose not to hurt someone you get hurt, this case is where your decision is neutral, after all, the same ruling goes all ways.
Well, then lets start.
Honor. One of the oldest values in life. One each day more rare to see. People each day are less prone to stand by their word.
Dealing with honor is hard. Means to have respect to others, never back down on your word. This may not seem important, at least not much at first. But in the long run of your relationships, this is what can always be remembered and considered about yourself. A person that lives with honor is usually dependable, and people will know that.
Honor is very subtle thing. I goes from a variety of situations, like not attacking your enemy from the back.
Complicated, but still, a great virtue to balance.
You may think that honor is all it takes to balance socially, or even include this in what honor comprehends. But I feel that this has a meaning of its own, being specially important to have trust in the people close to you. Loyalty.
Loyalty is the greatest key to trust and depend on someone. When you are in danger, you will count in someone loyal to you, someone who does not wish your harm.
Loyalty comes in many ways. You may see the groups of jocks who band together always loyal. A friend who vows to never let a man come between you two or the people who will follow you through hell to help you accomplish your goals.
Balancing this means you are reliable. And of course, you can only expect people to be loyal to you if you are loyal to them, it's a two-way deal.
As any action taken has deeper ramifications than it appears, one should be more aware of his/her decision. What to choose? Good question. Most likely, whenever you had a decision to make you chose the least selfish decision, but, to make this clear, it was probably not a selfless decision.
People are in general, hummm...., kind. Kind meaning good, but not very good, just a bit towards good... nice. So when those people have to make a decision, they don't go upfront doing whatever pleases them most, they tend to think a bit about the people they care about before they do anything harsh.
Should one think about everyone in the world before a decision is taken? Yes... ideally. But of course this is impossible. So who should you think about? Well, there is no easy answer to this. But the simple form of thinking that should lead to the most balanced solutions is just be fair!
Fairness, this is tricky. You have to take a hard job to do this... become a judge. You have to look from the most points of view possible, than think about the consequences to anyone involved. And make a fair decision, even though someone important to you may dislike it.
Being fair will not make you more popular with your friends. But will improve your valor as a person. Siding with your friends, with the winning side, doing the easy thing, these kinds of decisions are easy to make, but probably will lead to destruction. Taking sides is socially important, but manifesting your point over other's lives should be done with extreme caution and fairness, after all you wouldn't want to deeply wound someone for your mild comfort, would you?
In the end, even if some people close to you dislike your fair decision, true friends and those capable of understanding, will know that your decision was for a greater good.
Honor, Loyalty & Fairness. Three values in life that should be balanced, for the sake of your social life and the peace among mankind.

The Sun Hidden in the Veil
The usual path, though normally dull, reveals surprising things sometimes.
Maybe it was the good mood, or the odd weather that has been going on... you know, with people freezing around here. But still, it was a great sight, maybe even a good omen.
The sky has this veil of clouds, gray, small, roundish, very close to one another and going from one side to the other side of the horizon. It covered all the sky, even though they were clearly segmented.
All sky except for the end of the path in front of me, where for some reason they halted all at same time, creating a thin line, very straight line. The way it ended gave the clear impression that the veil of clouds was as thick as a normal veil is, despite the fact that it blocked visual access to the upper parts of the sky.
At that very end, the sun was either rising still lower than the horizon or rising already behind the veil. But the sure thing was it's proximity. The rest of the horizon, above all other distractions, and under all clouds was the shinning light of the sun, painting the end of the path yellow.
To the left smoke rose from somewhere. Too distant to see where. But the small rising blackish rising cloud just left of the golden horizon and going upwards to meet their gray counterparts made this path seem right.
The strange thing was that the clouds. When you looked upwards to see them they had this blot pattern, and were so still that one could swear they were looking into a painting, one with lots of single, strong strokes to make clouds.
Great sight to pass through any path.

The Elements: Introduction
As I find a mood to discuss this, I come here to introduce my concept of the elements that form our universe.
This is only to explain what I'll do.
I'll be trying to show what our culture believes of such element, try to put my opinion about those beliefs, explain my understanding of each elements and analyze a bit about life in the process.
There are many things one could say about life and creation. Of course, being it all a mystery all we can do is guess and play with elaborate plots. In the it probably won't matter, being that will never discover the absolute truth.
Some people believe weird things. I'm no exception. But as people believe in horoscope, and that a single daily phrase maybe true to 1/12 of whole population of the world, we observe how people want to see a pattern, anywhere, in their lives, in the news, in their test exams or even in the sidewalk. We have some reluctance about accepting the randomness in life's daily routine. So I will try to bring up one more pattern for us, not about some as accurate as the horoscope intends to do, but nearly some behavioral patters one might find useful to pay attention.
For starters, I'll leave something for people to imagine. I say there are 16 elements that are the base elements of life. Some are extremely common, some just common, some a bit unusual, and one that never is perceived as an element. If I'd ask you, what do you think are those 16 elements?

Unstable Feelings
Contrary to what the topic might suggest, this is not a bad thing.
Just something strange that happened to me today.
I was at the super market, buying some things to cook/prepare tomorrow. I was at the speed line (the one destined to people with up to 20 products, I'm not sure of the term in English) behind two clients. The first one, already passing things through the clerk, had lots of things, and was deciding about taking or not an extra set of plates. Took some time for the speed line, but ok.
The second client, which at first I thought was with the first, was just and old (I think he was old) man carrying just a bread pack, if I'm not mistaken a pack with 12 small breads. When the clerk finished with the first client he stepped up, handed a two-Real (name of the currency here =p) bill. The clerk passed the bread, picked the money and handed the bread to him again, then he left.
Strangely, this is the reason for this post, at that moment, just before he paid the clerk, I felt somehow happy, that comfortable, at peace happy. I thought of this old man, coming alone, quietly and peacefully coming to the super market just to buy a pack of breads, leaving as simply as he must have come. Though this set may seem sad, the simplicity of the act, and undisturbed peace he seem to have made me feel more human.
Maybe it all culminates to me from the events of the day, and the full strain of my emotions. But I felt happy, for apparently NO reason... and that feels good in the end of the day.

So, soon it will be the post number 200. I'm trying to come up with something very special, though maybe sad, to post as number 200. If it goes as I plan, it should be the second best post I've done here. I look forward to it...

Taking Cover
Our weird society led us to a life with, for an almost unknown reason, a life more filled with misery, stress and sadness than a happy careless life.
This is widely known, even Douglas Adams made a joke about this in his epic collection.
But still, if you pay attention closely, you may find some strange, and unusual, things in our lifestyle.
I was heading for my car, after a long day in my college where I finished two, somewhat troublesome, programs I had to make. Even knowing I could sleep more at peace at night, my attention turned to the, extremely troublesome and painfully hard, program I'll have to make until the end of the week.
It struck me, not as unusual, but as a memory, something that I knew, and thought I should post. People, tend to put easier, more pressing troubles upfront, so they can hide their disappointment until the unavoidable, boringly annoying trouble can't be delayed anymore. This makes them go longer with a better humor, because they "block out" the trouble in their minds. Of course, some troubles and some people just don't work this way, but this may happen more often than you imagine.
I see lots of people, filling their lives with things to do, just so that they don't stop, and see the real problems in their lives. The ones that they don't want to face.
Funny like we managed to conceal pain with less painful troubles just so that we can keep a smile and positive mood most of the time.
I wonder if this is good?!.

The Edge Between Extremes.
There is a place, some weird and uncharted place, where extremes meet. Not any extreme, the most common one, happiness versus sadness.
This place, is kind of a fluke, you don't realize when you enter it of even when you leave it. This place, has a thin line, commonly seen in many different places, where two different states are separated only by this line. The difference here is that you have states with such a difference, where they would normally have many states in between and that much lines dividing them.
So I know not how I got there, or how (if) I got out, but there was I.
When I saw that scene, classic happy ending, at the same time I felt that empty feeling like that same ending was missing in my life. So process took me to a familiar place, the tear filled eyes.
As the tears feel, the pain and sadness collided with the warmth of the happy ending, among the chaotic breathing, with the classic running nose, I was crying because I was happy, AND because I was sad.
This, my people, is truly confusing.
Maybe there are more lines between extremes, but this one I've seen in person.

The Beauty of Death
What do you think about death?
If you ask any person on the street, around you, a friend or just someone you know, good chances are that the answer will be around "death is bad, I don't want to die"
Of course people don't want do die, and those who want usually try to kill themselves. Eventually there will be people who will say they don't care, that life is bad, that they look forward to death. This can be because killing oneself is not as simple as the will to die, and of course many people who "look forward to death" will cower when time comes to meet the grim reaper.
Some say death is part of life. Well, if you live you'll die, hence they are intrinsically connected. But even if we know well die someday, people fear death like it is the weirdest thing in life, like they didn't know it was coming. This is strange to me in someway.
Life, as much as people generally like to live, is not even close to fair... and so while some people seem to get everything they want, some seem to be cursed to fail at anything that might make them happy. Some people, I believe, really do have nothing to live for, this leads to one powerful but sad thing, they do not fear death. Like a movie once joked, you don't have to fear a man afraid to die, you have to fear the one who is NOT afraid to die.
Some people live, but aware that they'll eventually die, and they enjoy every single moment of life because someday they won't be able to do so anymore. I guess this philosophy is a great one.
But that is not the seven headed hydra that they say around it. Death, as much as life is part of something really beautiful, just look around nature. Many people have understood this, death brings life, from death the most beautiful things grow, and they one day will die, this cycle remains constantly bringing this awesome flow into the universe.
If you've seen some good dramas, you probably have seen another great thing about death. People are unusually true to their nature around death, be it the one who lie to get his ass out of it, or the one will joke around because they have no respect for death or the one who cries desperately because they find death to be the ultimate tragedy. And for this same reason deaths brings out one good thing... literally a good one. People, usually, are "gooder" when in the face of death. When someone close to you is dying you treat him/her better. When someone died, people arise to comfort those suffering from the tragedy. And of course, my personal favorite, when one dies, this legion of people, friends, family, co-workers, people from old days, they all appear, sometimes as if from nowhere, to say everything they didn't say because they are (I apologize for this) stupid. They come to pay respect, they come to show sympathy, they come to regret their bad-timed words, their unspoken voice the not getting to know one better. Of course, those who feel the backlash of death suffer, and my sympathy goes to them. I believe in this moment arises a kind of unique opportunity, not that anyone will take it, but this may be the time for some people to reflect, upon their own life, are they happy, are they treating everyone fairly any question about life. This can, and probably will, lead to personal growth.
Dealing with death is always hard, but life is not easy, why should death be?! But there may be important consequences in death. If you have an encounter with the reaper and survive, just think about your life, don't take such event for granted. In the same fashion, if you know someone who is dying, observe, talk with him/her get to know the life of someone who has not the luxury of changing his/her own fate. See what motivates them in their life, the rest of it. This may prove to be enlightening to you.
Death is here to show us what really matters. And it is important to know what makes you wake up the next day. Why do you live?!
My personal advice, if you have nothing to live for, DON'T look for death, it will find you when the time is right. Until then, live on doing something you find important, even if it's not something that will make you wake up the next day, but you may change people's lives to the best, and maybe in the process find something that makes you want to see the next day.
And remember, honor the dead, those who are dying and death itself.

Energy Waves
- You remember when we were little, we used to play around with our energies all the time.
- But that's because we were hyperactive children. Grown people don't just spread energy waves around for no reason.
- Yeah, but grown people also do many stupid things, so... they're not the best model for this comparison. But still, energy waves can be felt all around, even without expanding it, or actively using it. They are part of our "personality".
- But there are those who can conceal their energy.
- Yes, I should know. - he grimed - But they are not a majority and neither do they conceal their auras all the time.
- So you believe these auras, even if we don't consciously try to track, we feel and our response changes accordingly to other people's energy?
- Mainly. It would explain more things than thinking it is wrong.
- Like what?
- Well too many things to keep us here more time than we should. But I could exemplify one more evident.
They turned the chairs in which they were sitting to face each other. The place was a bit more crowded than usual, so the noise was covering most they were saying. So mainly no one was paying attention to them.
- See people here?! Well, they all seem to be talking to someone they know. But why do people talk with others?! You probably wondered about this. Most of these people had no reason at all to be together this day. Hell, we didn't have a reason to be friends.
- We didn't?
- Well, think about the things in common. We have some great things, but mostly we are completely different. So are most people. What binds them... energy waves.
- No wait, there are many reasons to be together with someone, even if you have nearly nothing in common.
- Agreed. But still, you probably know a lot of nice people. What stops you from being with them all the time, and getting to know them better? People eventually know much more people than they actually pass time with. And some of them surely are great people. But study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision of the former and the success of the latter. still, they lack something that allows this binding. This is the same with love at first sight. Or why some people arouse others' curiosity while others don't. This all happens because at some point they got together, for some random and unimportant reason, and as their energy waves were proper for them to want to get to know each other. This sudden interest, in someone you don't know has no logical reason. But it happens somehow. I can only give it to energy waves.
- Well, it does have no logical explanation.
- Yep. I realized this a long time a go, when I looked around my classmates and even though many of them were cool, some very nice people, some very beautiful, some with many interests in common with me, I had no special interest in becoming better friends with them. But for some reason, I wanted to meet some very random people from my class, or friends of my friends, even though they seemed not interested in me, some treated me with disdain, or just ignored me. Some I've become very good friends despite the odds. That can only be due to our matching energy waves.
- Probably.
- Likewise, even if you have such an affinity for someone, if they don't have the same feeling for you, the relationship probably won't work, at least not on the long run.
- I think that happens more often then the first case.
- Hehehe, I agree. This is a strange part of things. But remember when you see someone that interests you for no apparent reason, there are things there that may turn this person in one of the best you've ever met.

Memory Check List
Recently I realized how weird my memory is. Well, at least I realized a new level I didn't perceive before.
I had a tendency to forget things I told myself to remember over and over. Like those things you remember that you must do the next day, and say to yourself, don't forget, but when it comes to it you never remember it. But I got used to, important things I sometimes send an e-mail to myself as a reminder, sometimes I focus really hard and kind of "save" in my memory what I had to do, so I keep remembering from time to time.
This saving things in the memory leads to something I can only describe as memory check list. You brain thinks all the time, even when you don't realize it (probably not during your sleep, who knows), but it is hard to keep it thinking on the right track. So I think we have a part of your memory destined to check up things. Important things eventually end up there and so when your brain wonders off in random thoughts it sometimes glimpses at this check list sees if there is some upcoming pending important thing to do.
Have you ever remembered something kind of urgent on your way home, just out of nowhere when thinking about something completely unrelated? So that would be the function of this check list.
But as any list it requires maintenance. You can't remember everything after all.
So what I came to realize is that I have a bug in my maintenance function.
I had something important I had to do, simple, like warning someone about something. I was waiting for the opportunity to do it, so from time to time I checked if I could do it. Eventually an event occurred so I didn't have to do anything anymore. But still, I check about 6 times if I could do the thing I had to do but didn't have to do anymore. Then I went to bed and reset the check list.
It was kind of annoying saying to myself for the sixth time, you don't have to check this anymore, so stop wasting your time. Instinctively I went to check for something I didn't need anymore, even though I knew I didn't need to check. But this check list access is so fast, that it goes and does not warn the rest of the memory, resulting in unprocessed actions.
Weird huh?
I've done this several times, but only really registered it recently.
My memory is one of the worst I know.
I wonder if these things happen to others as well.

Attached Memories
Sit.
Wait.
Stop.
Breath.
Listen.
Listen well.
what does is remind you?
this familiar song. It carries so many memories.
Great ones.
You don't need to do something great over again to feel the same feeling.
All you need is to sit.
Listen. Listen well. This song was a mark in time, it has ALL the feelings you need with it.
Songs & Memories. A very powerful duo.
All you need is to listen.
Stop.
Sit.
Listen.