A slowly walk out of Paradise
So, I am back. It's been a long time(yeah 6 months seems like forever in this condition). But slowly I have burning my own wounds, since they didn't heal on their own I had to do something to stop the blood loss. The way I found to fdo this was to give up on my natural instincts and forcedly distance myself from anyone who has hurt me. So now I am dedicating myself to studies, trying to go out less with most I know. I'll try to enjoy better my free time, more sleep, playing nice games and working on personal projects. I officially give up trying to talk with people, I won't worrie anymore, if they don't want to talk with me screw them. I'll be nicer to anyone who is nice to me, I am still the usually sweet guy I always was, I just won't waste it on people who don't want.
This weekend I went to the park with a friend of mine. We went rollerblading. It was really nice feeling the wind passing by, my friend holding my hand, people respecting our unprotected bags and a perfect weather for a day at the park. After some playing around we went to lunch and to rest a little, hot day, had to drink a lot to quench my thirst. We decide to walk around the lake in the clycling lane, and eventually sat near the lake to observe the ducks and gueese and similar birds swimmin in the lake. We talked a bit there, then went back to the front side of the lake, near the water fountain, they were turned off, but at least we got a great spot near this huge beautiful tree. It was nice day, she tried to prowl into my life and with noble intentions she tried to make me feeel better. We shared secrets, we heard each other's problems we fished solutions and opinions from our lives. Such a nice friend, I hope she liked the day as much as I did.
Guess some things in life are really just not meant to be, besides my best efforts I stand watching some friendships fade. The difference is that now I give up, I won't fight and hurt myself for something or someone not worth it, and lots of things I once thought worth taught me they are not worth. Someone has shown me that there are still nice people to fight for, so I'll focus on solving my problems and if I have the time, I'll try to improve some friendships.
Some things also end up affecting you by quantity, even hearing song a thousand times some sentences ended up hitting me much stronger now. And following their wise words I will go on forward. Here are some sentences from songs that affected me a lot in the last year.

"So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time"

"Only a warrior with a clear heart
could have the honour to be kissed by the sun
Yes, I'm that warrior I followed my way
led by the force of cosmic soul I can reach the sword"

"You can't be a hero
Hiding underneath your bed
Got to live the life
You create inside your head
So I opened the window
Caught the wind one night
Now I sail with the birds in their flight
If you're tired of everything
Come hitch a ride with me
You'll cry out in joy
When you realize you're free
It's a trip like no other
For your heart and mind
Leaving all but the future for behind"

"Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. "

"So everything's not perfect
Don't matter 'cause you'll rework it
Nothing's holding you
Never stopping, never stopping, never stopping now"

"I wanna be cool, I also wanna be like him.
But that's not something,
I can do so easily,
This is not simply my way, my own style,
Gotta get a hold of my life.
...
If i just follow you,
I will never see the light,
Now's the time to find my way through this life,
Trying so hard to be strong."

"Moving over endless mountains oh so high
Walking to the light
Your heart will
See the path and you will find your way
Just wait and see"

"Holy flame burn again for eternity burn my heart to win."

"blind and dark along my way
I must go on wise and brave before a last hail"

"What the hell am I waiting here for,
expecting you to come and give away your life
Just for a moment of my time,"

"It doesn't matter now what happens,
I will never give up the fight.
Long as the voice inside drives me to run and fight,
It doesn't matter who is wrong or who is right."

"Trust your feelings, got to live and learn.
I know with some luck that I'll make it through,
Got no other options, only one thing to do!"

"Live and learn!
Hanging on the edge of tomorrow,
Live and learn!
From the works of yesterday."

"There's no time for me to mope and cry.
I've got to get started now.
Adventures are so much the meaning to life!"

I think that many things require different insights. Sometimes you have to realize that you're fighting a lost battle, so just give up, wander off a bit, discover new places, new people, new adveturs. Just stop fighting before you lose your sanity. I'm glad I was able to give up before I was too wounded to recover, I know the price was a very high one, but thanks to the king intentions of a friend I regained part of my hope. So I'll wander a little, trying to once again see the world with the eyes of a children, purify my heart and regain the lost innocence. I invite anyone interested to accompany me on this journey, I'll try to keep a log here of most interesting events, and in a near future I'll resume the adventurer chronicles, with new and exciting passages of the story yet to be written.
The winds are changing, they blow not against, nor in favor, they only refresh and inspire. The silent messages that roam through the air indicate the world is wainting to see what happens, and I know I'll be there when it does.
The sends of time are gone now, and time destroyed everything, but from the sands left behind I will rise, build a new empire, even if I have to bury all traces of the past, I hope I can salvage the best treasures of the anciente lives.
As Ixidor, The reality sculptor said: "My past holds only pain and loss. I will conquer it by creating the perfect future."
I hope you will be a part of it.
And I must thank someone, once more... thanks, you've done more than you imagine, and asked nothing in return but my smile, that is true friendship.

The Ending
The sun was shining in the blue sky. Butterflies were jumping from flower to flower. Lying down in the middle of the flowers there were two men. One with red hair and blue clothes, he got up and sat on the ground looking over the plains. The other had a short black hair standing up with some golden strands, he wore all black and had a tattoo on his left arm. They took turns lying on the ground, sitting, walking as the wind crossing over kept them cool despite the sun over their heads.
After some time the red haired tapped on the other's arm and said.
Maxim - Hey look!
Maelstron - What?!? - he said sitting and searching around.
Maxim waited patiently until Maelstron saw it.
Maelstron - So he has finally arrived.
Maxim - I guess things got tougher over there.
Maelstron - And still he lasted longer than us.
Maxim - I give him that.
Both stood there waiting for him to get closer. The winds cross the plains to announce his arrival, petals from the flowers swirl in welcoming patterns and butterflies stop to rest on his shoulder and chat while he walks up the hill to meet his friends.
At the top of the hill, they stood staring at each other. He stood about three meters from Maxim and Maelstron, he had brown hair somewhat short, also standing up, but he wore a black shorts and a black shirt with a dragon on the back. This was the first time they have been together in about 7 years.
Maelstron - Welcome to the end of world, where you can find all the peace you need, we hope you enjoy your stay.
Maxim - Care to tell us what happened?
He walked cross them and sat on the grass. He was really relaxing in this place. The other two joined him shortly after.
Thomas - Well I guess it happened as I expected, just wasn't a shot from behind, it was a fierce slash.
Maelstron - How bad was it?
Thomas - Well it felt like a sword was thrust from my shoulder to my heart and slashed around it cutting me in half. But I guess it wasn't so bad, after all I knew it would go like this, I have known for a long time.
Maxim - That must have hurt, but on the bright side he is still alive.
Thomas - You guys took a lot of blows yourselves, I only lasted that long because of you.
Maelstron - We all did a great job, it wasn't in our hands to protect him from everything.
Thomas - Well we have all eternity to talk to each other.
Maxim - And rest in this wonderful place.
Thomas - Yes!
Maelstron - It would be perfect, if it weren't for the future of the boy.
The three of them stood sitting side by side among all the flowers. It was paradise to them, it was the first rest, peace and relax they had in years. But their minds kept worrying about this boy, the one they guided their whole life, and now he stood alone.
After a few minutes a chilly wind blew through the plains, and with it the feeling that time was fading with their connections to their past. They felt that if they wanted to do something they had not much time.
Thomas - So, should we do something?
Maelstron - But CAN we do something?
Thomas - I wouldn't hurt to try, would it?
Maxim - So what should we do?
Maelstron - I think the best thing would be an advice, since we can't guide him anymore. But should be something that would help him, when he is finally alone.
Maxim - We should tell him the basics so he won't suffer even more.
Thomas - And I really doubt there will be something new to wound he more, we have taken all the greatest blows out of his way.
Maelstron - We have no power to make him happy, so what should we say to him?
The three of them sat facing each other, exchanging looks, thinking about what should be done. They knew they couldn't help much, after all if they could they would have done it before. But maybe they could protect him from basic things that hurt, to avoid some mistakes in the future or protect him from himself. They knew what could be asked, and knew that somethings could not be done, so they started sorting out things.
Maelstron - So friendship is very important, but at the same time painful. He would rather die then lose a friend, but he should not suffer too much for this, after all it is the whole fabric of his existence.
Maxim - Love is something very sweet, but what is important is the care others can give. He should avoid being rejected by important people, but should never be closed to a new person.
Thomas - The world has proven to be unfair, but he will never lose hope of some return for his kind acts. He should just avoid doing good where he will be hurt.
Maelstron - He already lost a friend because his pain was too big, he should step away from his friends so they won't suffer the same fate.
Maxim - You do know he won't split from his friends, no matter how great is his suffering it won't help him.
Maelstron - Then he should try to avoid deep contact when he is very sad, sounds better?
Thomas - Yes. While on the subject, I think he should avoid the internet, this way he stops bothering other people.
Maelstron - Good idea, this is the way, he should avoid doing things that may hurt others, this way they don't complain and he does not get hurt by this. It does him no good knowing what others are doing while he is left out.
Maxim - Good one, but don't you think he will be lonely?
Thomas - It is not in our hands. He is lonely, and we can't change that, let's just hope he finds the company he needs.
Maxim - Well then it is settled, should we go for it?
The other two shook their heads in agreement. They stood up, looking far into the horizon, just a little up to the sky. They felt the wind pass through them until it was the right moment.
Maelstron & Maxim & Thomas - Hear us now, in this wind our words, our last message for your sake. We ask of you, stay away from the internet, at least anyplace where you can express your pain. You should only use communications in case of emergency. Since we can't be there to guide you, you should avoid hurting other people so you won't suffer. Be kind to other people, keep to yourself your pain, but don't let them hurt you, you too deserve to be happy, but since your happiness lies within your friendships, be careful who you let too close to your heart. If you ever find the energy to get any of us out of here, we'll gladly guide you once again, but until then we will be praying for you.
And saying that another wind blew, and the knew they could no longer be heard. So they sighed as they had done all they could. And each said their last words, before eternity took over.
Thomas - May everyone live in happiness, we'll miss being among humans, despite the loneness, it was very funny. Remember that every event in life has many aspects, so try to know them and be fair, specially when it affects other people's lives. May life bring happiness to those who deserve it, and I hope someday justice will prevail. I am sorry if I ever bothered anyone.
Maxim - May each person find love in their lives, even if love is not meant to be answered. I felt happy knowing I loved in my life, loved enough to go against my own health, I hope everyone feels the joy of true love, specially if one is loved back. Love is one of the few things in life worth fighting for, so don't give up, and strive to make your loved ones happy. I am sorry if I failed to do so myself.
Maelstron - One soul cannot stand alone. Not even the strongest ones. Don't be afraid to make friends, you may get hurt, but most friends will make you feel a lot better every day, and if you are lucky you may find a friend that supports you and walks life by your side helping each other. Show your friends you care, even with the simplest things as listening to them, knowing when you should be quiet, respecting them, not poking where it hurts, surprising with a chocolate bar, spending the night doing mindless things so he can take his head out of his troubles, doing simple favors or even important things. Trust you friends, but choose your friends wisely. I know I was never a good friend, but to someone who stood alone my whole life, I tried my best to make others happy. Make friends, never stand alone as long as I have, or you may end up like me. To those who stay, I wish the best of lives, until the day I return, or until an other life. Farewell.
And so, as they stood there looking into the sky, waving goodbye, the wind in their hair, the butterflies all around the sun shining over them, the screen starts to back away from them. They keep waving and when the screen is far enough, at the bottom of the screen, in old handwrite, the last message is written:
The End
And the image fades into darkness leaving only a relaxing music in the background.

The Flower Field
This place is my destiny!
It is simple, but it represents what my soul understands as paradise.
This place is huge, goes as far as your eyes can see. The sky is blue, and most of the time has a few white coulds passing by. The sun shines here, reflecting all the colors in the scenary, but it does not burn the skin, and it passes a gentle feeling of warmth that meets the cooling winds thar cross the eternal plains.
You arrive to see this plains extending from west to east, from south to north, and filled with flowers. There are some hills here and there, there are some trees standing tall and giving some shadow to the plains, but what grasps your attention are the flowers, that cover the whole ground. You can walk between them, you can lay down, but every place you go, you see a carpet of flowers, flowers that vary between tall and short, that has many petals, that has a cup shapped petal, with perfumes that would make anyone fall in love, and they make a sweet fragrance the resembles peace, love and friendship. The flowers are blue, yellow, red, orange, pink and virtually of every color you can imagine, some may even change colors, but even this mix seems harmonic, like if you could look from above they would seems to write something.
The place is calm, few animals reside here, but each gives a little more grace to the picture. You see butterflies all around, they dance from flower to flower, and write messages in the air, they come close and land on you just to make you company.
This place is the most beautiful place in my mind, but I am still trying to find this field on this planet. This is where it all comes to an end, when I die I will come here, to spend eternity in peace.
So when everything that I could take has happenned, I will come here and run away from the world.
I will lie in the flower field, seeing the clouds run by, the butterflies passing graciously, the warmth of the sun in my skin, and the cooling wind in my hair.



Extra message.
I am sorry for all the arguing, I know it is my fault. And as to stop this from bothering you, I will quit. I can't keep up doing this if it annoys you.


Added Message: I told you so! I hate seeing the future, and as much as I could have prepared, I knew this would end up like this. Anyone may say it was obvious, and it was, but still I had the hope it could have gone differently, maybe the same hope that keeps me going, that those words..."Your day will come"... are true, and future holds something to make me happy. But still, it happened, and time has shattered the last pillar, not even if the universe exploded I could be stoped, but this has mad me give up. Screw it, may anything happen, I can't care anymore, I just hope everyone lives happily, that everyone forgives me for the troubles I have caused.
See you all in the flower field. 1

Limitless - Money
Ok, this may be a complete stretch, after all with limitless money the economy would crash.
But imagine you have enough money to do/build/buy whatever you want. Just for purposes of reality you can only spend money with things for you. Maybe presents for other people you know, but no giving a billion dollars to a beggar, to charity. You can say you would give some money to charity, and help some people, just don't try to solve all the problems of the world.
It's basicaly a personal question, if you had the money, what would you like to do?
As for me, I have perfectly clear the money does not bring any happiness for me(not that anything does, but money is because of me). But even so, I would love to do many things with money.
Build a house, a very unique house, with mazes, dungeons, secret passages, and secret rooms. With a large garden, with a flower field.
I could buy those things you never do because they are uselessly expensive. You know, powerfull eletronics, cars, food, games and some other things I rather not tell.
I would give some presents to my friends, of course ^^. Maybe help some of them with their freedom. I admit I would only give to charity if I had lots of cash to spend around(I fairly rare situation). I would probably give a financial help for my college.
I would build two of my dreams, one opera house, a copy of one I saw in a game, simply perfect. And I would like to create a nightclub, a special one, with music related with the game industry.
I would hire people do help me create my website, and my RPG system. And then I would take my time writing my book, after all I do not have to worrie about money ^^.

End of Limitless'


Added Message: Now I travel the final path. I had foreseen this, I warned everyone. I knew this day would come, and I only went towards it. Maybe it is for the best. I feel very cold, like never before, I do not know what I will do, maybe sit down and cry. 2

Limitless - Wish
Suppose you were granted a wish, only one, a once in a life offer.
What would you wish?
Suppose this wish has no limits, you could destroy worlds, build new ones, reshape reality, or simply wish for a piece of apple pie. No one will know you had this wish unless you tell them.
I have had lots of wishes during my life. With a limitless wish I would probably ask something on the level of reshaping reality, or would be in distant planet. Just now I am starting to question my wish, maybe I should do something more drastic, more simple. I have many wishes for diferent kinds of limitations.
So, reveal your creativity, reveal your deepest wish.



Added Message: Warning! Mass System Failure, last request failed. Initiating countdown for final shutdown! 3

Limitless - Time
What would you do if you had all the time in the world?
If anyone one can answer, please do so, I would like what you would do.
Imagine it like this: An angel comes from the sky, a demon from the ground, a genie from a lamp, god himself or whatever being you want to imagine for this purpose, he comes and says.
"In the next week, at anytime you can say 'I wish to stop time.', and then time will stop, for all the time you need, until you say 'May time flow free again.'. During this time you will not age, you won't need to go to the bathroom, you won't have to eat but you may still have to sleep. Everyone else will be frozen in time, not moving, not aging, not thinking, and not being able to be hurt. If it was day when you stoped time, then day it would remain until time began to flow, the same goes if it was night. Any object you need to move you can, but as soon as you stop touching it it will freeze where ever it is.
Basic forms of energy would remain moving, such as electricity, air, light and water in some cases.
You body will work normally, and if something happens for you to die, time will flow normally again.
Remember this is a once in a life time opportunity"
Suppose now that you take this offer. What would you do with this time?
I think I would do a fair amount of things. Maybe travel and see the world. Maybe just explore every inch of my city. I would probably sleep until I was completely relaxed. Until I was sick of sleeping. Then I would go over to the internet and see every movie that I ever had curiosity but not enought time, then I could see the most recommended movies. I could play every game I ever wanted, heard about, or most of the ones existing. I could hear music to find out the ones I like the most.
Ok, I would need about 100 years to do all the things I wanted. I would like to go and learn to do things I like, how to play the piano better, how to make computer animations, how to make games and I would read all about it. I would take my time and create this game I have in my mind, and make it to be perfect. I would finish developing my RPG system. I would create my website for the RPG World Manager and study everything needed for it to be good. I could read many books of my interest. I could look things up to satisfy most of my curiosities.
I would do everything I could find interesting, but for now those are most of the things I would do that I remember, maybe I could build a house. Maybe I could stretch out to imagine some more things I would do, but I rather not mention those here.
I know I can do many of those things in my life, but not close to all I want to do.But I would take my time, time to heal, time to rest, time to learn, time to develop.
What would you do if you had all the time you need at the palm of your hand?

Great things in Life

Since the day I met you
I knew you were special
For the sky was more blue
Your company seemed crucial.

Maybe the light and glow
that shone from your eyes
colorful like the rainbow
brought love to the skies.

Maybe your gentle touch
with unique love in such
can shatter an iron wall
and give peace to recall.

Your efforts to be rewarded
being sweet and lovely
fighting your pain lonely
you deserve your heart warded.

The chance you gave me
a week full of joy and hope
the sweetest kiss to be
finally made my heart lope.

Few things compare to loyalty
your respect and devotion
has worked like a potion
giving the feeling of royalty.

Somethings you can't explain
a friendship worth to obtain
everything I ever dreamed
your soul my own soul calmed.

Many places for a memory
in a ring your every care
in a kiss a year of glory
of peace and hope all so rare.

Somethings are hard to obtain
with fight and maybe some pain
I am thankful to have found
the people to whom I'm bound.

Why is it so hard?
Hell, it shouldn't be so hard! Why does it have to be like this...
Why do people try to destroy each moment, is it so hard to let someone enjoy it?
Why is it so necessary to criticize others? Some are trying to do something nice, is it too hard to spare a nice word?
Why is it so hard to stop complaining, why don't I just shut up?
Why is it so hard to accept simple things?
Why am I unable to make someone feel better? Does no one care for what I can give, or I became a lousy helper?
Why is it so hard to find someone that likes you? Most people I know do not seem to have a problem with that, did I miss some basic definition?
Why is it so hard to make company to someone?
Why are people so stubborn, can't they admit what others say, accept what others offer or believe what others teach them?
Why is it so hard to give up, and at the same time so hard to keep trying?
Why is it so hard to be nice to others?
Why don't you hear me, why don't you call me, why don't you keep your promisses, why don't you tell me, why don't you share your problems, why don't you spare me from your troubles, why don't you make me company, why don't you come see me, why don't you do something for me, why don't you do me a favor, why don't you give me your hand, why don't you want to see me, why don't you sleep with me, why don't you stay here? Will I ever find someone?
Why don't I shut up, why can't I sleep in peace, why do I worry everytime you are not smiling, why do I try to help you even when you don't help me, why do I have to be alone, why am I so tired, why am I so sad, why don't I cry, why do I smile, why do I feel scared, why don't I leave you alone for a while, why can't I find someone that loves me? What should I do?
As I stand confused, I feel like I know as much as a five years old, I do not need to know the answer to these questions, maybe I would like to know only one answer.
So many relationships, so many troubles with people, did I cause all this? Is it because of my choices that I am here? Do I bring suffering to others? Will I ever find peace?
As I was watching this stupid movie I read this: If there is no point in life, what the hell would be the point in death? Even if I think I know the answer, I find amusing the funny sence it makes.
I don't know what to do in my life. Should I try to engage some talk? Shoul I stay quiet and let things cool down? Should I try to meet someone new, but where? Should I sleep 24 hours straight? Should I wait for someone to come? What should I do, let time fly away?
I sometimes wish I could hear your voices here, would like you to say something. But I guess no one should say something if they don't want.
As my eyes start to close without my permition I should go to sleep, but I am afraid of the tomorrow. I hope someone can say something nice in the next days, even if a simple I like you...

Ok...I admit.
I have been somewhat of a nuisance to some people in the last year.
I want to apologize. Maybe I should have kept my problems to myself. Maybe I should have tried to be a nice person. Maybe I could have done things differently, but now everything is done, and I can't take it back.
I want to tell everyone that I loved every single time you heard me, and I hope that I could give back the moments of joy you gave me, or at least I hope I can do that someday.
Thanks for being my friends.
I hope I can be your friend as well.
Please, tell me if I am bothering you. As a friend I never wanted to be a burden, but I get carried away when we talk.
I get sad when any of you is not ok. I know sometimes it is not in my power to make you feel happy, but I want to push my limit, so one day I may be able to help, when you least expect.
I feel happy whenever I remember your smiles. Your kisses and hugs are the reason I go on. They give me the hope and energy to dream.
I am here to talk whenever you want, tell me how to be a better friend, teach me new things, and learn with me if I can teach you something.
Sorry for every pain I caused. I know I lost some friends because of this, and I don't want the see that happen again.
I pray you will be happy, and I will try to do everthing in my power to make you happier every day.
It is a shame that most of you won't read this, but it matters not, I will do my best to make my wishes of happiness come true nonetheless.
I hope I find the energy for that... but I know it is hidden in your smile.

A Whirlpool
It has been a long journey. About seven years now, and I must confess I am pretty tired.
I look back into the places I have been through, and I smile thinking of how long it has been since any quiet moment.
I always enjoyed the feeling of relaxing calmly in a quiet place, just appreciating the view, and for the last years I have been running away as fast as I can so my problems, pains and regrets wouldn't catch up with me.
On the good side, I have been through a lot of interesting places. On the bad side I could not spend as much time in each one as I would like.
I remember that years ago I started travelling in the high grounds of some valleys, with some people, and after the hard hit of a fog, we got separated, and I ended up crossing the valley through a five miles bridge. The wind was very strong and the bridge was insanely high, and as I was wounded it took me some time to cross it.
On the other side I came to a forest, a very dark, very humid forest. The high number of trees made it difficult to cross, and the lack of light also made it a hard trial. I felt alone most of the time, but sometimes I could feel there was someone there with me, and that gave me some peace in the right moments.
As I left the forest I reached this region where it is always night, with no stars or moon to give any light. As I went on, I had to face some major challenges some of them took their toll, others took their time to heal and some were replaced by deeper wounds.
Recently I got out of that region, and came acrosse this huge plains, going as far as my eye can see. I have been going down with it, and it appears to be the crossing of valleys, as I can see opening in the mountains to the left, the right, and up front. The wind has been hitting very hard. Now I reached the center of the plains and got surprised by this whirlwind.
As my emotions were already severed, and things have been confusiong in all this travelling. I must admit, this whirlwind struct me with a confusion that took over most of my thoughts. I am now holding my left arm up to cover my face, my right arm in my chest to protect my heart, and I am trying to walk forward with only the deafening sound of rushing wind.
I feel lost, I have no idea where to go. I feel weak, and want to lie down for sometime. I want someone to take me out of this place, I am too confused, and just want to feel my self again. My knees are finally asking me to stop.
I want to hear a voice, a voice I know. I want to hear your voice.
I hope you are still there.

The Bright Night
As time seems to be playing a joke on me, the last event had a twins sister.
Sunday night, I was uneasy. Maybe it was all the study that is needed to be done, or I was tired of the few sleep hours, maybe I was worried with my friend, or my other friend, I couldn't tell, but because of it I was tossing and turning in bed until two thirty in the morning, when I decided to get a drink, and try to calm myself to sleep.
As I crossed the living room, I felt like something was out of place, the curtains were all open, when they should be closed, of course, my parents are away from home, so I am responsible for house maintenance. But still, it was not the curtains that was wrong, and as I went to close them I realized it was too bright for this time of the night. I thought it could be the outer lights of the house, but when I turned them of, I saw my garden with such light, that you could see everything in it. The light came not from the house, or from the neighbors, in a really odd way, the light came from the sky.
The night was really cloudy, and not even in a perfectly clear sky, with full moon, I have seen such clarity in this time of night.
I closed all the curtains, went to my bedroom, and after some time I fell asleep. I still feel uneasy, and I do not know why, but as I hope it passes soon, I just wish that someday near, I may have a friend to talk with me for a whole day.

A Dark Day
As the day before had it surprises, and some misteries, I woke up.
I was tired, had only a few hours of sleep for the past days. I was worried about a friend, but I was still relaxed from the company the day before.
When I steped out of my house, something strange caught my atention. It was past six in the morning, and as I was used to wake up this time of the morning, or sometimes sleep about this hour, I was used to the clarity of the first rays of sun light, still unable to reach my house, but already illuminating the sky. But today was different, it had no light, the birds did not sing, it still felt like night. When I play RPG with my friends, they sometimes leave at this time of the morning, before we go to sleep, and most times, when I go up the stairs to say goodbye, I find the next day newspaper in the front of my garage, but not today, even the delivery boy was late.
It was as if the world had shifted one hour into the past.
After sometime stand in the middle of the street, looking into this dark sky, on the dark day, I recovered and walked towards the car, as my next destiny was the airport.

Foresight.
Well, I bring on a proud statement. That very few things in my life did surprise me. Of course, the fact that I don't like most things that happened in my life would make me feel stupid, for if I knew it would happen, why didn't I avoid it?!
Well, in my defence, even if I believe one can see into the future, I believe that most times anyone sees into the future, they can see the future only because they can't change it .
In my case, I tried to avoid some things, failed to believe others or simply thought that sometimes it was for the best. I wouldn't say I regret my decisions, most of them, despite all the pain, most I would do the same over and over. It is stupid, but it is what I believe is right. So as my motto stands, I won't give up, at least not for now, and will try to make the best out of it.
Getting to the point, I am here so I can allow myself to brag a bit. Some things have been going on, and I want to give a warning, mainly to myself. I usually doubt my foresight until it already happened, but to be fair, I will try believing before.
As I stand now, one third of my soul, I would be suspicious to say this, but I sense the end of the last third. I can feel the reality shapping around me, it has this sound, like everything has an echo. It feels like I am in this black blanket of water, as far as the eye can see, I can hear these drops, and sometimes even see them, then I look down to the surface of the black water, and I can see the ripples of these drops, some are colliding with others, some are fading alone, some fall so close to another that they send a bigger ripple together.
As I see some events, and their ripples, the sound of the drops start to become a different sound, it still has this water efect around it, but it is not like the drops on the lake, it is more like...hummmmm...like steps in the water covered street.
The scenery changes, I start seeing as in from another's eyes. This third person view moves away from me, but it keeps me on the center of the picture. I am standing in the middle of the street, it is my soul, it has this glow around it and is covered with red spots, it seems tired. It is raining, but I am standing still there, watching over the people moving around in the street, these people are only black shadows of people, but somehow I seem to know some of those shadows. I stand there looking in the space between two houses, I seem surprised, and afraid, but from my point of view I can't see what I am looking at. The steps I was hearing are getting stronger, whoever is walking is getting close. Now I can see, this man, unlike the shadows he has a form, but he wears a black overall and wide black hat, so I can't see who it is, or if it is man, women or even human. He is coming from behind, but I don't seem to notice, it must be something really important to stand there with such attention. My view gets a little blurred, so I instinctively try to blink, I have no idea why this would ever work, I have no body, it is standing in front of me, guess it is just reflex. When I open my eyes, I am back in my body, I feel covered in fear, if anyone could see me I would be as white as a ghost, I know there is someone behind me, but I don't seem to be able to move. Then... my blood stops flowing, as I hear the clicking sound of the striker being pulled back, the sound of the bullet rolling from the chamber into the barrel. It was all confusing, how I could hear so clearly in the rain, why was this person doing this, why was I unable to move, and what in all seven heavens did I see between those houses. So, as I hear the trigger being pulled I know I can't dodge, I know this is the end, I will not know why, but at least I could die knowing what was beyond the houses.
As the light caught my eyes, revealing that simple, somewhat beautiful, image, I heard the sound of the pistol firing, it was only time enough for me to think that I should not have seen that image. Then I feel the sound of the water fading away, with all light, and the rest of my soul.
When I open my eyes again, I am back to third view, and I see myself, but I am not dead? Then it hits, that was my soul, and there is no glow around me, just a faint red color that is all over me, my soul was dead, but I was not, I was...was oddly peaceful.
This is just for the record. I pray that I am wrong, but if I am not, I at least get to say, I told you so.

Unchanging Changes
I realized, in the most bizarre way possible, that things have taken a course I did not expect.
As I was my whole life, I am afraid of changes. I didn't want to change schools, I was afraid of going to college because I did not know if I would meet anyone. I never wanted anything to change, and as life carries on I could not avoid some major changes, no changes were deeply bad, some may have caused some pain, but I never seen a change in my life that really made me regret it.
After many thoughts I came across the words I told myself. It was one unusual day, I was having some discussions over msn, and trying to get a grip of my emotions. As someone told me I would have to change, and as I said I could not change, one voice inside me said:
- Hey your life has changed many times, and you never had as much problem as you imagined the changes would bring, so just wait and things will change in time.
So came the answer that made me shake:
- But, even with some many changes in life, you are just as you were many years ago, your life is not much different from your past!
I stopped to think about this... and it was true.
I fought my whole life against the changes happening, and where I thought I had failed, in reality, I suceeded. Of course, many things in my life have changed, but looking over the great picture, it is just the same, I still am going do school(college), I am still single(oh crud! ^^), I still have troubles to see my friends(like that would ever change), and so on.
I live the same life as before, but with new components, new people, new challenges. Lets say I am still fighting the same battle, but now I have new enemies, new weapons, new clothes, new surroundings.
I wonder if I can, or should, change the great picture, most little changes I do not like, but I think it is because they are little that I don't mind the changes, I think things should change on their own natural way.
But as things go, the thing that bothers me is that it all was kind of expected... almost like I could tell before things happened, but that is going to be my next topic.

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 19 ~
"... then we just have to reach the top of the peak, should be easy if it weren't for all the monsters. If only he was here with us, this could be an easier mission.
- I get it will be dificult, but together we can face most monsters without much trouble.
- Probably. - he replied with a simple shrug, while he tried to spot anything unusual up ahead.
- So why he would make such a difference if he was here? He didn't seem so much powerful, as to my own understanding I could face him, and maybe win.
- You could win, maybe with not much effort, but that is only because he is much weaker than usual. He is much more powerful than you think.
- How come? - he asked with sudden interest.
- He should be using about one tenth of the power I know he can tap into. Just so you have a comparing ground.
- One tenth? - he asked in surprise, he fought many power people in his life, but such kind of power was still unknown to him. - But that would make him... no, that kind of power is far beyond human.
- Actually, some of us can reach about six or seven times his current power, and only with extreme need and danger. There is a slight difference in the ways to his power and to our power.
- What do you mean? - the look on his face showed the mix of passing surprise and coming confusion, it was quite funny, if anyone was in the mood to laugh.
- Ok guess you never learned this. Well, when it comes to power everyone has to have a source from where to draw this power. Like for example some have greed and lust, others have revenge and some have faith. Some of these powers are sources of great power, and many strong people draw their power from them, they are love, friends, family, honor, ideals, justice, faith and survival. Two reasons are worth of mentioning. Some people fight for love, not the relationship love, they fight for their love for someone, in this case the one fighting is willing to die to make sure the one they love is happy and safe, and if anything threatens the one they love they tap into a power and go beserk until they remove the threat, the problem is when you have no one you love that much, when that happens people who draw their power from this simply fight like a weak goblin, because they have no will to fight. Another type you should fear is those who have nothing alse to lose. These people are willing to fight against anything because they have no attachment to life, and since there is nothing to hold them back in battle they enter a stage of trance with the energy flowing around them and fight with imense power. As the one before there is also a drawback to this kind of power, give anyone who has nothing to lose something to be attached to, and they will stop fighting in fear of being separated from their reason to live.
He paused searching for words, his companion was listening with curiosity and attention so he would not be interrupted. He looked around their surroundings, the rocky trail going up the mountain had been their route, the one they would follow for one more day, at least he hoped that it would take only one more day. As he focused he resumed the subject.
- Even if he fights for the sake of the world, even if he fights because he thinks it is right, or to bring justice. He can fight for many reasons, but the fact is, he only fights because he is needed. You may have noticed he never drew his sword in battle, or he never attacked first in combat, he only attacks when someone near him is put in danger, or when he has to defend himself, but you never seen him attack to kill another living creature.
As he looked puzzled by this new insight, he said some words.
- Ok, he is a pacifist, that is true, but I never gave much thought about it. But if his powers come from being needed, why is he so weak when he is needed to save the world?
- It is simple! - He said turning to his friend - Along time ago, a monster attacked our town, is was night but we all were playing near the school ground, as the guards got caught up holding back other monsters this one entered the city to find us unguarded, five children with very weak powers, and no adult around. As we tried to run, the monster proved to be faster than us, and when to attack one of us. In a split second, he turned into the monster direction, crossed the space between them, and with one concentration of energy I will never forget, he cut the monster in many pieces using pure energy, only to stop the monsters claw about fifteen centimeters from her face. Our friend was white from the scare, and he fell on the ground with no energy to stand. He fought because she needed him, because he was her only hope to be alive now, and because she liked him and needed him around. He would fight for anyone like this, as long as the person needs him. But in the years, he lost touch with all his friends, with everyone that ever needed him, and when the people of Aganon told him that they didn't want him to help them, he realized that no one is this world needed him, he was something basically useless and only a tool someone was using to try to save the world. When is comes down to it, he will fight to save his family, and anyone of us who wishes to live with him. But as things stand now, no one of us needs him, no one in the world wants his help or his company, so he has nothing to fight for.
- And that is why he ran away? Because he wants to get some attention?
- No, he ran away because he knows he is weak now, and he fears in the deep parts of his heart that he may not be strong enough to protect us, and he wants us to give up, or stop in some strong monster that we can't pass, so this way none of us may die. He wants us to be happy, he wants to protect us, but he has no reason to fight to save this world, as neither do we, and as he is he can't protect us, probably you can protect us better. Until we make him realize that we want him with us, and that we want to see the future together with him, he won't fight at his best. Any one of us can lose our will to fight, but he is the only one that can lead us into this battle, that if he finds the will to fight.
They stood there watching over the trail, the other would be reaching them soon, and as he understood the deeper reasons of power, he felt like he wanted to give his friend a reason to fight, so that he could be by his side, but he felt sad as..."
~ End of Part 19 ~

Tears and Happiness
As from some recent convesations, from some recent events, from some things I watched, from many times thinking with myself, I now am feeling strange.
I don't get this, is as if I wanted to create hope, but at the same time it is as if I prefered things this way.
As I stood looking at my computer screen, I observed the last moments of my video, I was hoping for one ending, and I didn't know how it could happen, but as things went on I heard words, sweet and simple words, words that maybe on similiar conditions I could have said, these words began everything.
Instants latter I was crying, and as things continued I saw the beautiful ending I wished for starting to happen, and with only simple words and gestures I could feel everything was in place again. But in a single moment time and space severed apart, and in that moment two of my voices said things to me:
"Are you crying because you are in pain, imagining that you are far from your happiness, that may never happen?"
Said the first voice followed by the second one.
"Are you crying because you hope that someday you may find your happiness this way, and that seeing it gives you hopes and dreams about this lovely future that awaits you?"
But time was still slow as my current personality, the one still breathing normaly, started to realize, the thing that rendered me paralized for some time, confused at the same time, and dazed watching time pass at slow rates, slow even for me. It simply replied.
"I do not feel happy, and I do not feel pain, there is no sadness here. These tears do not represent pain or hope, and I have nothing to do with them. Those tears are simply tears."
And I wanted to know why was I crying, was it the movie, and that alone? No, it couldn't. Then a sudden joy took over. This was the first time in months I was crying and I was not sad. I knew that this didn't make my problems go away, but I think it meant I was getting strong enough not to feel sad about the happiness that may be far.
Maybe I am regaining hope, but as two of my personalities, the two that take care of dreams and hopes, are down resting in a coma-like state, I think that this means that I want to cry from happiness, that I no longer want to feel sad when others are happy.
And as some of the words from my movie gave me this new feeling, I leave them here.
"While being together, many hard and painful things may happen. But being separated is much more painful.
I've had really hard times before. And even now my heart is still hurting. Really, really painful things. When I lose an important thing, the pain remais, and still hurts. But I am still looking for him, the one who likes me as I am.
Even if it will be pain, and even if my heart will hurt, I still... want that person"
I will keep fighting for my happy ending. But it really could come soon ^^.

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 18/III ~
"and the glow around them grew stronger, and as they finally could see into each other's eyes they knew that their energy waves were unsychronizing. He looked away, pulled a deep breath and started.
- Ever since ten year ago, when you all left our hometown to go study in other places, I wanted to keep in contact with everyone but the most I got was the replies from Cid that wrote to me until I was 13. I missed everyone, we used to have a great time, but eventually we lost our friendship, no one even showed up for my graduation.
She flinched as she lost the words she wanted to say, her soul seemed as if it was holding her back. She only put her hand in his arm and waited for his words. After a few seconds he continued.
- So I wanted to bury this feeling and went on my journey to get stronger. From all my teachings and from my own style I was always led to use my power to save humans, fight for justice and make people happy. And that it what I did, helped others.
He looked into her eyes... no, beyond her eyes, he was trying to reach deep into her soul.
- And now that the human race is in peril, I thought I would rise up and fight again, I thought I could gather all my friends again and fight together, but after the last fight I lost all reasons to fight.
As he turned away to look forward, the silence filled the time passing around them, the wind could be felt caressing their faces gently. After some time he continued.
- I can't fight for the human race if they don't want my help, if they don't want to be saved. I fought for human long enough, but I never got nothing besides thank you. I thought I didn't need more, but then again, this is the battle for all humans, why should I fight for them, this is their fight, I won't fight for them if they do not treat me with at least some respect and care but the way things are, humans won't change soon enough.
- Don't you at least want to be known for saving the world? - she asked hopefully.
- I think that kind glory faded as I grew old. I just wanted to be with my friends, I wanted to have someone to fight by my side. But I guess few people want to fight through their lives.
- But we are fighting with you, aren't we?
- You are fighting the same fight as me but not with me. I tried to bring everyone to fight with me, but some have things more important than saving the world. The friends I gathered, are not here to fight with me, but because someone told them to fight. The problem is that you are fighting for your own personal problems, and I would love to help you guys, but I have to fight for the safety of the whole human race, for the friendships of my friends, and against all my own personal problems. I am just tired of doing everything in my power to make everyone feel better, and in the end no one gives me a moment of care.
She was trying to sort out the words. She began remembering the last events, she thought about the fight that was up ahead, and the future after that. She felt sad thinking about his words. It came for only a few seconds, when she grabbed his hand and as she looked into his eyes she said.
- Humans will never fight for themselves, but I am willing to fight for them. I don't want to see more suffering, more death and I want fo fight for my loved one's safety. I will fight for your safety, as for the first time in ten years, but I must say I still would feel safe if you came along, your presence would give me courage and determination to fight on. Even if we are not helping your fights, your presence makes us feel better, and besides, if you do not go with us you won't give us a chance to make you happy. - she smiled saying this, and finished - I will try to give you the care you need, and I believe that everyone will come to give you some care when time is right.
He was surprised she was even trying, the sadness he felt was not going to go away this simple, but at least she was right, he could give it a try.
- Ok, I hope you all start giving me a little support. I can't fight for everyone, but then again if I do not fight apparantly no one will, so I might as well go.
She simply noded to him, she had in her heart the will to make him happy, now she just had to have the opportunity.
As he raised she stood by his side, holding hands together, she whispered something in his ear, and two seconds latter the glow around them faded."
~ End of Part 18 ~

Beauty does not vanish, it just gets hidden.
So, I love to complain how the sky in the big city has almost no stars, if it has at all. But today I take some of it back. I still believe the sky at night has no stars, that the moon begins with strange colors due to pollution. But now I know the sky in the big city hides its beauty.
Today when I was walking towards an event I was going to, on the sidewalk wating for the green light to continue my way, I raised my head and my attention got held in a piece of the sky. It was wierd looking into such a beautiful sight in a place where I thought all the beauty was lost.
It was somehow the white clouds made a first line, and behind them stood the gray clouds, to feeling of looking into a new dimension. The holes in the clouds made a big openning where you could see directly the blue sky, I was impressed there was a BLUE sky. This look, the two rows of clouds moving and playing to hide the true and beautiful color of the sky, and the sensation that the sunlight was shining between the coulds and giving light into someones life.
After come time I went on my way, but now I carry the feeling that there is beauty even in the most unexpected places, you just have to want to find, or get lucky to see it ^^.

Lives and Dreams
I guess every living being has dreams, at least that is what I believe. Each one dreams about being happy, and finding the things that will make one happy. Some believe that when you achieve a dream, you will feel empty and will find another dream, some people do not believe you can find happiness in simple things, at least not a happiness that will last. Even I, with so many reasons to belive otherwise, I still think one can find true happiness and live in peace with the world. Maybe I am wrong, but I think I will only find out the day I die.
So I live to fulfil my dreams, I have some dreams I won't be able to accomplish, at least I think I won't, those farfetched dreams with super powers and things like that. I was born to do one thing, and I am trying to do it. This one thing that almost no one does anymore, something that people give little respect, and that brings no reward, but it is something that makes me feel better as a human being.
Even so my dreams part with my purposes. I dream about finding happiness just like anyone else, finding someone that will be by my side, someone whos presence alone will make me smile, someone to share my life with. I dream about being able to finish college soon and going to work doing what I like most. I dream of finding people that will be with me, going out, playing games, sharing problems and helping with mine. I dream just like anyone else.
I always thought it was normal to look up to people, there was this friend more intelligent than me, I wanted to be like him. Same for my stronger friend, my tall friend, my popular friend and many others I admired and tried to evolve to suit their best qualities. But then it came...
The surprise life reserved for me, one of the few things I could not predict or even expect. I have seen most my pains approach slowly, and see my efforts to avoid them fail sadly. But not this time. It just snuck upon me this time. It was someone, someone I thought was just like me a few years in the past. I somehow related to this person, my own illusion was to believe that our thoughts were similar.
Not only has this person revealed its own ways, but now it seems as it was a different person back then. I was surprised. So much changes. So many masks.
Why has things gone this way I do not know. I do not hate this person, as I prefer being friends with. I like meeting new people, specialy interesting ones. I find something amusing about this being, it like there is no awareness inside the soul. So what is the big deal? Well... the problem is... this person is living my dreams.
I would like to say this is me overreacting, and at somepoint it may be, I would love it to be resumed as this person got the job I wanted. But it is not that simple.
This person, is younger, has achieved more, and it's life has brought everything that I was led to believe that I ever wanted. Friendships, family, health, all the things everyone pointed in my life that I had, and therefore had no reason to be sad, everything this person has beaten me. The friends answer to every call, to do anything, even do nothing. The family has not the tension and pressure existing in mine. The health is near perfect, having not the problems I have. Life itself seems to agree, in a unexplainable way, and work out for the best for this person. People tend to side with and follow its very steps. Love has brought more than ever brought me. The games played, and the ways played, and the time to do everything, is just the way I wanted. The way I never could have, and probably never will.
It makes me wonder why. Everything I ever wanted, all my dreams, given away to some random person. Why is someone else living my dreams? I worked my whole life to be a nice person, but that is rewarded with what, nothing, instead I have to watch my dreams and hopes fade away within another persons life.
What may bother me the most, is to see that this person is sometimes sad. Living everything I ever wished for(almost everything), and still that is not enough. One wants more. My dreams are not enough for others.
I hope no one goes through this.
Ok I will stop being overdramatic, and soon will post the last part of the 18th chronicle, just as soon as I get in the mood.
I have done so many things to make others dreams come true, and make them happy, that I have no ideia what I should do for myself. Seeing my dream in someone elses hand has taken all my hopes away. I have nothing in the future to live for. When did this happen?

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 18/II ~
"... and the wind blew strong, waving all the plants in the same direction. A flower feel from a nearby tree, he watched thinking in grabbing it, but he was worried with the situation. As the flower hit the ground he asked:
- How did you get here?
The girl looked in his direction, not so sure where his face was, he looked back surprised with the look of indignation in her eyes. He knew she could not see him, but he was there listening.
- Did you already forget? You told me how to come here when I left uor hometown, you gave me the card to jump into this dimension and told me if I needed to find you I could use this and at least leave a message here. When you left everyone without saying where you went, I imagined you could have come here, so when I got the chance a warped here.
- I must be loosing my mind, I forgot completely about that. It has been what? Ten years already?! Remember how we used to hand out the five of us all the time? - he said trying to shake out the shame of forgetting - But... you never came. So why now?
He looked at her and saw her face turning away, her cheeks flushing. His face flushed as he didn't want to discuss these kind of things, he turned forward and gazed upon a lizard standing on top of a rock.
She didn't have an excuse, and she knew better than trying to make one up. So she skipped to the important matter.
- Why did you leave? We need you up there, everyone is kind of lost. We are headed to the Revaku peak, but they seem to be loosing hope. - she paused - Why?
- Well. - he started - I got tired of helping your hopes, giving everyone the strength to fight, the will to live, trying to help everyone get..."
~ End of Part /II ~

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 18/I ~
"...so this was the place and the time where he would be happy to be alone. He knew the place very well, so it took him little time to arrive at this place, this place only he knew that existed. You had to through some preety hard trails to get there, but mostly the secret doors and protective spells that he laid on the right places made it specially difficult to find this trail.
He jumped to a tall rock, about 10 meters high, from there he could see a nice distance and observe that place surounding him. He observed the beautys of the landscape, the wild shape of the trees, the breathtaking rock formations and the plants growing in the vicinity. He thought that he had already forgotten that he could only see this place so perfectly because he was half demon and had a dark spirit. He was in the Ninth Circle of Hell, where no light would prevail, where there were no light sources.
After some time he sat on the rock, and started talking as if there was some one there to listen, but he was only talking to himself, if there was another person there he was not aware, and he thought that alone was impossible.
"Funny thing about this Circle of Hell, - he paused a bit - this is one of the most beautiful places in the existence. Here were the sun does not shine, and most people can't see. Maybe the landscape helps to make them seem so pretty, but it is the way the trees have a strange but hamonic balance in their branches, their leaves each having and unique form, showing and progressive evolution inside the trees soul alied to the nature independent way to evolve. Or maybe it is how the rocks have forms that each seem like it is trying to atack something but at the same time they have a form of their own that makes um want to attack with them. There is also the flowers, each having the most colorful petals in some harmony that would make poets chant their lives about them, and the way they seem prepared to defend with spikes and razorsharp petals against an invisible attacker."
He knew that he only seen a very little part of existence but in all his traveling in his home world and in some of the elemental planes he knew this was probably the most beautiful place, even if there could be many others places more fascinating, he thought that everyone should see this place one day. He took a deep breath.
He was filled with the energy flowing freely in this place. He wanted to stay there, run from the troubles in his planet. There was no point in fighting anymore, and this was the place to rest for the next year.
So much was his awe that he failed miserably to notice the girl reaching to..."
~ End of Part /I ~

Shiatsu
It was on a clouded day, a little rain fell from the sky. I had had two bad days before that day. It did not start well, but at least it did not start bad.
I started taking care of some pending business, I had to make some calls, buy some stuff and put in motion my quest for some presents.
When it was time, around 4 in the afternoon, I prepared my things and took off to my destiny. I arrived near 4:30, I remember thinking if I should take my coat with me in case the rain got worse latter on. Decided to leave the coat on the car and went on my way, up the ramp leading to the house where I would get my massage. I was welcomed by a nice lady, took my shoes off, completed the first time form, and after a few minutes I was called by my masseuse. In the room I changed into a pijama they offered, and went on with the Shiatsu session. One hour latter I left the place.
I say I preffer traditional massage over shiatsu, my muscles were still in need of some rubbing, but I must admit, when I left the day was clearer, sky was blue, and as I gazed in the mirror of my car I looked into my eyes and I appeared two years younger, deep in my eyes I could feel the purity and innocence I once shared with myself. It was as if the sky represented what my own soul knew.
So my day continued, and onward to the shopping mall I went...
That day was today. I still feel physicly restored, but my soul yearns for peace and care. Maybe I will find someone that can do that for me. At least now I know where to enjoy a good massage.

I sometimes think that I should not br writing these kind of thoughts here.
These thoughts show the bad aspects of my life, they are not essencialy good, so it would do better for the world if these words never fell under public access.
But this is a Whirlpool of Thoughts, so the thoughts I feel like publishing should be posted here.
I know that sometimes I seem to be complaining about life, and mostly it may seem as if I were a child that didn't get ice cream after the dentist. I have seen many problems, not mine, others', but each person complains about things that are important to them, I know I disagree with the way others scale the importance of things, but when a friend said that that was her way of feeling I tried to help her from her point of view. Accepting and trying to understand differences is crucial.
I know that somethings that get to me and annoy me make no sense to others, but that should at least mean that I don't like to be made fun of regarding things that annoy me. I am clear minded enough to understand that jokes are jokes and I should not let them get to me, most of it I can't control, but what ends up to be really annoying is that people tend to try to annoy me for fun and kicks repeatedly even knowing that that bothers me, that I find to be lack of respect, something that saddens me coming from my friends, people I would never tackle this way, or any other for that matter.
Whenever I said I had no happiness in my life, I was usually said that I had no reason to be unhappy, I have a great family that treats me well, I have many friends, I have health and no troublesome condition(I would say asma, but it is not what they mean), I study in a great college, I do not starve, I live in a decent place. Well I do not contest that my life is not the worst possible, and I have things to be thankful for, but none of those, inside my life, actually means I have to be happy. But most importantly, mostly when people say those are things to make one happy, those things would make them happy, but even my friends having those things and much more, that varies from friend to friend, they still manage to be unhappy sometimes, so they have to have something so important in their lives that it overrides the happiness broght by these kind of stuff, so I suppose that their happiness is linked to the absence of this important thing, or better yet to the presence of something that gives them the happiness for which, family, friends, health, college, food and shelter, are not enough. When I say I have no happiness, I mean I lack something that gives me happiness, all things that are important enough to me are not, lets say, stable, so I have no happiness, something that makes you wake up with energy and disposition to face the everyday challenges, I have good moments that make my day happy(when they actually work) and make living something possible, but these things are fleeting, they end their effect, so it comes a time where the only certain things in my life, make me unhappy. The fact that I tend to have some pretty awfull days are a soo well known fact that I heard from a friend that I must be the most unlucky person in the world, because bad things do not usually concentrate this way.
So many times I thought that I found something that would make my life perfect for a long time, but eventually something happens to take away from me those things. The number of friendships that would die if I didn't call and work so constantly, the number of friends I lost because I just stoped "hi" at MSN, the number of friendships weakened because of distance or lack of time spent together, the number of friends that lost contact because of girlfriend/boyfriend, the number of heart breakes and lost loves.
My friends do not spend time with each other, I am that which connects most of my friends, and yet I have to learn many things about one friend, from another. I miss having a friend that comes to talk and share his/her life, I miss someone that comes to talk to you and will tell you things about their live, I miss having a friends that knows what to say to me, I miss having someone that really trusts me, I miss having someone that gets when I am sad and tries to help, I miss having someone that can sit by my side and make me feel like I will solve my problems and he/she is there to help.
Life could give me one reason to smile every day. It would suffice until my death.
I don't get my friends, they have the extraordinary ability to make me feel like crap most of the time, they rarely seem to care if I am happy, and those of you who have another opinion of this please find in your heart to forgive me and show me, because I am yet to see someone go out of their lives to try to make me happy. My friends promisse to call and do something and they never call, during normal days they say that they don't have time and during vacations we can get together and do something, during vacations they travel and say the will call when they get back so we can do something. I am still waiting for some calls.
Each friend is incredibly important to me, but I can't work on the friendships alone.
Yes I had the worst day of the year, which only had seven days, but it was a really crappy one, I feel very sad, I really want to cry, but things at this point seem so pointless that I feel unable to cry, I feel the pain and feel sad, but the tears that would calm the storm of my soul are dry.
This week promisses to get worse. I hope I am wrong.

New Year.
As the celebration of a time passage. The celebration of challenges passed, of battles fought and the hopes of a better time ahead.
Well, since I was little I knew that the next year would always hold more difficult challenges. I have beem saying "Last year was so much better than this one, I was happy and didn't appreciate it.", of course if you have a troubled time, when you feel at the botton of the pit you always think "Well it can't get worse.", so you wait for a better year and live shows its neverending ability to break the limits.
Of course some people have better years, I guess it all balances out in the end.
I just survived through 2005, I was not a matter of having a good year, it was about living to see 2006, not that I have any particular reason to want to see the future, at least not any other than to feed my hopes of living a happy life.
Even feeling like 2006 couldn't be worse, I know that it could be a lot worse.
This year I had to deal with more than my soul was ever prepared. The complicated relationship I hold with everyone, the friends trying to get closer, the pain of a blow that hit inside my defences, inside my body, and made my soul bleed as never before, the challenge of college and the trembling failure face my troubles, the distance of one of my greatest entertainements... the RPG, the face of many unhappy friends, the tears of my friends that torn my heart, the lonely time, the moments crying, the moments I was ignored, the pain if have caused, the shameful birthday, so many deceptions and the loss of love...
This year I have done some interesting things. I have survived a semester with 32 hours of class per week, I have finished many games, I have tried out in new RPG systems, I discovered some funny comics, and started to buy some others, got to know some new people better, I saw some of my friens go away, I discovered some interesting facts about some friens, I went with my friends two times to my aunts coutryhouse, I went along in Bohemias drinking circuit, I played an official Super Smash Bros Melee tournament(even if I lost), I started a project with my friends to make an RPG and a racing game(even if they seem a little discouraged at this time), I got closer to a dear friend of mine(even if we grew apart lately), I helped some friends, I tried to make some friends laugh(and come times succeeded) and I discovered a new level of love, one I didn't think could be possible and one I am proud to have felt.
I think I left 2005 stronger than ever, even if at this moment two thirds of my soul are "dead". I hope I can find the energy to put this new strengh to use.
I expect nothing from 2006, I just have a little bit of hope that life will take some time to make me happy, but it is just hope, I am preparing to face the new worst year of my life, I just hope to be overpreparing.
I will try and do better this year. I will try to gather some energy so I can try to make my friends life better, make them happier. I wish my friends have the best year of their lives, I hope everyone of them finds happiness. My special wishes of happiness for those special friends who deserve, those who make the lives of everyone near them better.
As for me, the battle goes on. I just hope to find the happiness in the caring arms of someone, someone that will keep me fighting, and will fight by my side.
May this year bring new battles and more challenges, may this year make me stronger, may it lead to happier times. May this year make your life perfect as you deserve it. May this year solidify our relationships.
Wishes of happy lives to everyone, and
"Save the cows, they roll low on fortitudes" ~ Thomas ~
"My sword to bring you happiness, your live to make me fight" ~ Maelstron, fallen ~
"Smile it makes everyone near you happy, trust me" ~ Maxim, fallen ~

Natal.
Época para ser feliz e gentil.
Eu então agreço aqui a todas as pessoas que me ajudaram, que me fizeram sorrir, que me fizeram compania, que tiveram a paciência de conversar e me ouvir.
Graças a uns bons momentos nesse fim de ano, eu estou tendo um natal mais feliz do que esperado. Ao menos estou em paz, meu coração mais calmo e sinto esperança dentro de mim.
Desejo a todo mundo um Feliz Natal, muitas alegrias nessa época.
E felicidades extras para aqueles que a merecem.
Sejam todos muito felizes.

Sítio.
Acabo de passar alguns dias no sítio da minha tia, junto dos meus amigos da faculdade. Fizemos churrasco, jogamos futebol, fizemos macarrão, nadamos na piscina, brincamos na hidromassagem, usamos a sauna, pulamos na cama elástica, tiramos muitas fotos, jogamos cartas e falamos de muita merda.
Foi um tempo divertido, bom pra mudar de ambiente, bom pra conhecer melhor as pessoas lá.
Tive alguns momentos tristes, tentei enfrentar alguns medos, passei um bom tempo sozinho... ri bastante.
Pra mim... foi pouco diferente do dia a dia, mas fico feliz pois parece que todos se divertiram muito.
Tive uma volta um pouco mais feliz. Passei a noite no shopping, fazendo compras e conversando. Falei algumas coisas que meu coração queria gritar faz tempo. Confessei alguns segredos, revelei histórias do meu passado, ensinei coisas bizarras e me diverti muito. Apesar das discussões e de algumas palavras tristes, eu estou mais contente, em paz, eu precisava de um pouco de compania e o tempo que eu fiquei acompanhado me deu uma paz de espírito muito bem vinda.
Saber quando sua presença é necessária.
Saber ouvir quando o coração está a falar.
Saber perguntar quando se tem uma dúvida.
Saber brincar pra manter a amizade.
Lembrar o quão especial você é.
Lembrar que a sua presença traz felicidade para os outros.
Lembrar que a sua amizade é importante.
Lembrar que suas doces palavras trazem paz.
Obrigado pela compania.

Amigas!
É interessante analizar a minha relação com as minhas amigas.
Eu tenho uma afinidade natural por mulheres, me entendo melhor com elas em geral.
Fatos sobre isso são estranhos no entanto.
Eu tive amigas emocionais, racionais, extremistas, egoístas, gentis, analíticas, críticas, mente abertas, místicas, sumidas e eventuais companheiras.
Eu tentei estar por perto quando minhas amigas precisaram, dar apoio nos momentos de tristeza. Vi muita menina sofrer de amor. Vi garotas desistirem da vida e mandar tudo se foder. Vi mulheres desistirem das outras pessoas, e desconfiarem da própria sombra. Vi gente dizer na minha cara que eu era infeliz porque queria, e tempos depois ver essas pessoas sofrendo pois o mundo não é perfeito. Vi gente dizer que me ama, e fiquei três meses sem ver ela. Vi amigas sofrerem por minha causa, e me arrependo dos meus atos. Vi relatos de sofrimentos passados, quando falhei miseravelmente em estar por perto pra dar apoio. Vi desculpas pra não sair comigo, mas vi que quando querem sair nenhuma desculpa as para em casa. Vi muito convite meu recusado, mas vi poucos convites sendo feitos.
Estive lá(a maioria das vezes) quando fui chamado. Perdi horas tentando fazer outros se sentirem bem. Aprendi a engolir dor, pra poder sorrir quando elas tiverem felizes. Conheci o lado negro das amizades. Esqueci que minhas amigas me querem bem. Esqueci oque é ter compania no meio da solidão. Conheci o preconceito alheio. Aprendi que confiança se destrói fácil. Perdi muita esperança ao longo da vida. Estive sozinho, nos meus momentos mais tristes.
Sei que já incomodei uma margem grande de pessoas contando dos meus infortúnios na vida. Mas vi também que quando eu precisei, mesmo ligando pra muita gente, todos tem coisas mais importantes da vida do que dar trela pra alguém carente.
Notei que quando minhas amigas não estão namorando, elas conversam comigo mais regularmente, me fazem mais compania e são bem mais sociáveis. Mas quando começam a namorar, quase sem exceção, passam a ocupar seu tempo com namorado, familia e escola/trabalho, passando a ter tão menos tempo que quando arrumam tempo pra sair com os/as amigos/as geralmente juntam vários amigos de uma vez, pra poder dizer que saíram com todos os amigos, e ao mesmo tempo deixarem o maior tempo possível para os namorados.
Eu entendo, ao menos digo que entendo, que namorados querem passar tempo juntos, o máximo possível, mas os namorados das minhas amigas têm uma tendência de reclamar quando elas saem, pois têm ciúmes, ou acham que elas não devem ficar perdendo tempo com os amigos.
Eu acho isso uma tremenda pena, já que minhas amigas todas são bonitas e em geral estão namorando, e quem fica com saudades delas sou eu.
Minhas amigas são importantes pra mim, mas eu cansei de ser largado por elas, pois os namorados delas são as únicas coisas que importam. Minhas amigas de infância todas se foram pra longe, ou passam tanto tempo fazendo outras coisas que eu quase nunca vejo elas. Eu esperava ter um compania pro meu dia a dia. Alguém que fizesse parte da minha realidade e compartilha-se sonhos comigo. Mas cada vez mais isso soa impossível.
Aparentemente eu sou uma ótima pessoa pra melhorar o ânimo, levantar o espírito e massagear o ego um pouco. Mas quando se fala de compania eu fico largado.
Não tenho quem compartilhe comigo as coisas que eu gosto.
Nem ao menos alguém que deixe eu escolher um filme de vez em quando, e sai comigo só pela compania de estar comigo.
Mesmo triste, quando com uma amiga eu procuro se legal, gentil, engraçado e animar o espírito de todo mundo. Não garanto sucesso. Mas se num grupo grande ninguém se da ao trabalho de me dar atenção, eu fico triste mesmo, e em geral o grupo se afasta de mim...
Quantas pessoas no mundo estão dispostas a enfrentar um pouco de tristeza pra fazer outra pessoa feliz? Pelo jeito é mais fácil se afastar de quem está triste, especialmente quando você tem um namorado que te faz feliz. Achei que as meninas seriam diferentes.
Eu amo minhas amigas, mas a vida seria muito melhor se elas me fizessem compania.

Paranoia.

Would someone close to you lie? I say lie in a matter of a really big lie, for no necessary reason? Just so... no it couldn't be true... could it?
No...no, no, no... it would be a needlessly unstable lie, it would eventually fall apart, and it would be for no reason.
I prefer to believe it is just paranoia I feel some friendships of mine already falling apart, if it were a lie, I would probably lose two friends...
I already feel lonely enough. I hope nothing takes my friends away from me, at least not any farther. But I really wish they would show me that they still want to be friends with me. It would restore some of the hope I lost... it would give me reason to fight another year...

Smiles.

One of those moments. One people normally don't forget. An effort to make someone happy.
Gathering most of her friends, to surprise her. A simple gesture to say how special she is, and how many people like her.
It was nice to see her smiling like that. She was smiling, like that was one of the best things that ever happened to her.
One of the few conforting things in my life, is to see these moments.
She really deserves to be trully happy.

Envy.

This year I started to envy other people. Because they are living the dreams I wanted to be living.
I want them to be happy, but I can't avoid feeling sad, because they got what I wished for, and I still got nothing resembling my dreams.


Opening my heart to my friends, letting them reach it.
People say you shouldn't surroung you heart with barriers.
But mine is deeply wounded, my friends... they...
I miss them...
I have been so alone.

These battles, more hard than any soul.
These cries, full of pain.
This life, on road all alone.
Time has passed by, and the past was happy.
The present... to the future... not even hope.
So much warnings, so many signs.
Sometimes being alone is good.
Sometimes talking relieves.
Sometimes a fight can make you stronger.
Not anymore. Not even a little.
*Slash* a body falls.
*Woosh* a soul vanishes.
*...* a soundless voice dies.
so... only silence.

I am so tired... I want it all to end...
I've seem for maybe the 666th time that which I would love to happen to me. This situation that only happens in movies and cartoons, that does not happen in real life.
Good people do not usualy live happily, they usually suffer. Most of the nicest people I know suffer more than those who do not care.
Each time I see these situations, I feel happy, because I imagine I can have one relationship like those in the near future. But life has taken it's toll, and now I feel happy, but I feel also sad, because I feel each time farther from what I wished to have.
Maybe I should stop trying, it never works anyway, it would at least spare me some delusions.
What?!!! I don't want to quit! It is the only thing that I find worth fighting for, without that... without that...
But I am tired, this battle should not be fought alone, life should not be this way. But I guess it all balances in the end, universe must mantain equilibrium, for someone to be happy, someone has to be sad. I think I rather be sad and see that my friends are happy.
You know, I won't be able to carry this out for much longer, I need to smile, feel happy, I can't create energy from nowhere, I need a source...
If you do not cry when you want, you can never smile.
I want to cry... how can 5 bad things happen I row like this... and it has been some time since I last saw any good thing, how is this equilibrium?
As you said. Think that because bad things happen to you, they don't happen to others.
I just... I didn't ask for much... I wanted a simple life... I wanted a reason to be happy... is... is that asking too much?
Maybe it is, maybe it's not. Most probably you just have a severe case of bad luck.
I want to rest in peace... I want to... to calm my mind, give my soul peace, have a reason to smile...I am too tired for this.
We should rest. There are still fights to be fought this year. After that you can... you know...
Yeah... Selan... Let me sleep for a while next to you.

The Pain of Loss
In several places, movies, cartoons and tv shows, we are presented with the situation where people only know how important someone is after this someone dies.
I wonder if it is true. I thought I lost someone, and only then I realized how important she was to me, since then I tried to give each person their rightful value.
I don't see this recognition very often. I wonder how many people would need to lose a dear friend or relative to learn the importance of every person near them.
People seem only to understand importance through pain.
Ok I am being a tad extreme here.
But it happens that happy people usually tend to think only of the thing making them happy and end up forgetting that there are other important things in life.
I have seen many losses, not mine, that made me very sad, to see someone so important to another, and to see them go apart.
I wonder what losses would make me sad.
I wonder if others would get sad losing someone close to them.
I wonder if I will ever find someone I don't miss. Someone I was certain I would never lose. Someone that would hate to lose me.
Well in the mean time I would just like to have a safe company, someone that will be there for me.

Outer-self Knowledge
I have heard many times that people should develop a greater self-knowledge. I have come to think that most people who have some self-knowledge, do lack some knowledge or interest about the lives revolving around them. Most who have no self-knowledge know nothing, or have no interest about others lives.
People tend to look deeply into their own lives, and as far as it concerns them, as long as they are happy, nothing else matters. I think this should be right, but I cannot agree with this, as some people depend on others to be happy.
I think seeking knowledge was one of my worst choices in life. I have learned many things in life, enough to learn about others just by observing. I became interested in other lives, more interested than in mine, but I wanted to incorporate those to my life, as I wished my life would become part of those other lives, and this wish would prove to be a deception as very few people have any interest in others lives.
I must admit, maybe I have less knowledge about others than I think. But at least I have the interest to know people surrounding my life.
I also admit I find interesting to see how very few people go off their wishes and ways to make others smile... and you either stand by their side, or you stand alone.
Makes my deeper soul very sad, to think this might be true, as I long to find someone who would stand by my side to fight against the problems in life.
I know that when you are happy you would not like to be near someone sad, as it would probably bring you down, but I tought that when you were sad, your friends would try to make you happy. But when no one will stand near you when you are sad, and you have to force happiness so you won't have to stand alone, that is a really depressing.
Tonight my prayers go to those who walk alone, stand alone, fight alone and die alone. I wish you all find someone pleasant that will live by you sides.
I know how hard it is to go home alone every night, fight your fights alone. No one should have to pass through this.
Get to know your friends, your interest, affection, company and/or dedication can make a live much happier.

Pois frente ao fim do semestre, ando obrigado a extrair forças do universo para poder continuar...
Vai lá Goku, Genki-dama não é só sua não...^^
Encontrei no meu aniversário um momento de paz e tranquilidade, um momento sem pensar nas outras pessoas e na vida, um momento sem esperar nada do mundo, só esperava ter um dia de sol, e Hecata me deu o apoio nessa área, valeu por todo o apoio nessas horas. Paz que eu tivesse encontrado, não me é satisfatória, afinal eu não quero ficar sozinho, quero andar com pessoas que gostem de mim, mas paz e calma sempre funciona melhor doque decepção.
Fugir da vida é impossível, assim como eu não podia escapar todas as decepções atreladas ao meu aniversário, ao menos devo dizer que é interessante passar um aniversário sem ouvir ninguém cantar parabéns pra mim.
Agora volto a minha rotina e todos meus problemas, tenho trabalhos a fazer, matérias a estudar, provas a enfrentar, e continuo sem apoio quando coisas ruins acontecem.
Eu me pergunto se um dia vou encontrar alguém que tenha bondade no coração pra ser gentil de vez em quando.
Agradeço as amigas que sempre me foram meigas e gentis, sinto saudades da presença de vocês, a vida é difícil quando ninguém ao seu redor se preocupa em ser gentil com você.
Mas agora está chegando no fim, faltam poucos desafios, e finalmente poderei ter um descanço. Sei que serão férias conturbadas, muitas coisas a estudar, não sei ainda se vou ver minhas amigas. Aguardo a volta do Adilson pra poder continuar o RPG. Terei curso de verão, devo ainda me preparar pra muitas coisas.
Semestre que vem devo lidar com a separação da turma, que agora seguirá cada um por suas escolhas na faculdade, onde provavelmente eu lutarei sozinho em muitas coisas.
Duvido que ano que vem seja melhor. Teremos provavelmente menos tempo sobrando, oque significa que de acordo com a lei de distribuição por prioridades, eu devo ver menos os meus amigos, muito triste isso.
Enfrento ainda os dilemas de lidar com uma turma onde minha opinião sempre cai solitária, a intolerância das pessoas e a falha em entender um ponto de vista alheio.
Não gosto das minhas espectativas futuras, e não faço ideia doque fazer pra mudar isso. Quero muito achar alguém que goste de mim e me de um pouco de apoio, seja nas discussões, seja moralmente, seja espiritualmente ou seja apenas pra me fazer compania quando eu ficar sozinho.
Estou seguindo em frente, não sei sobre que bases, muito menos com que forças, mas espero ser capaz de lidar com o futuro, ao menos meu espiríto encontra um pouco de paz na sempre eterna e gloriosa musica do "Suscreen".
"Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t. "
Maybe there is still time so I can find a reason to enjoy life.

Today is my birthday.
So I am running away.
Not that I have any reason to do this.
It has been several years since my last happy birthday. I remember my mom going out to buy tons of my favorite food, while all my friends were with me at home, swimming in the pool, playing my new games, laughing at life with no problems.
Life has become too complicated. It is not just having a fun day with everyone I like, many people I like a lot, wouldn't be with me on this day. I still don't know what I want to happen so I can have a nice day.
This day is supposed to be the one day of the year where people should be nice to me, give me things I want and try to make me happy. From what I have seen, no one knows what that means, what I want or how to make me happy. I honestly don't want to see anyone failing, on the only day they try, to make me happy.
(I hope no one takes me wrong here, I know the things you all have done for me this year, without some support and some days I might not have made it upp to this day. I thank you all for the many things you've done for me. I am sorry for all the bad things I did to you. But I must say I grew tired from all the discussions, I am tired to be always wrong, always the bad guy, my words being twisted so I will look bad, my opinions ignored, my preferences disrespected, people making constant fun of me, being alone when I want company, fighting my fights alone.)
I don't know what to ask of anyone, and I don't want to make anyone sad, specially me. So as soon as I finish this I will go away for the day. Try to find the peace I lost. Try to find a place where my soul can rest, rest where no one knows my name and I only will expect to enjoy the place until midnight.
I still believe that I do not belong to this planet. But I am trying to make people happier. As of many times I seemed to fail at this, yesterday someone told me how important I was to her. Opposite to what I would expect, I didn't get emotional, but somehow a strange wave of peace and happiness flowed through me, and I felt reenergized.
I know I am important to many people.
Some times it seems I have a low position on their priority list.
I miss having someone to fight by my side.
I miss being trusted.
I miss making people laugh.
I want to make each person feel as good as they make me feel.
As of this day, I want to smile, be happy and in peace. And I wish that everyone has a happy life.
Joyce, your sweetness has been soothing.
Elisa, your concern has been moving.
Thiago, your loyalty haas been energizing.
Adilson, your wit has been invigorating.
Guilherme, your peaccce has been contagious.
Bruno, your stile was inspiring.
Anderson, your devotion was awesome.
Leticia, your smile has been strengthening.
Rebeca, your care has been sweetening.
Andrea, your company was restorative.
Miriam, your perception was gentle.
João, your interest has been calming.
Gustavo, your knowledge has been intriguing.
Otranto, your spontaneously has been pleasurable.
Renato, your support has been appreciated.
Flavia, your presence has been undescribable.
To every other friend I have, thank you for all the talks, for all the new experiences, for every happy moment and for being my friends.
Good-bye, I am off to my search, be back on sunday.

Peace and Burden
So life has given me many opportunities, from my point of view I have screwed most of them.
So many things, so many pains, so many relationships.
My burden has become more than I can carry, so I dump part of it on others. I ask myself why should others bear with me this which is my choice to carry.
I am sorry for things I bring upon those around me, I never wanted to be such a hassle specially to those whom I really like.
My life has been lately nothing more than trying to find some peace. This has turned to be an unfruitful venture, as my life brings me constant worries.
But now I scream loud and clear...
I really want to rest, lay down and find some peace. The peace I once found in friends arms, now rests in the past. So I find myself lost, not knowing where to find such place.
So many things I would like to hear, so many things I wish I never said, so many things I would have done differently, so many futures I don't want to see, and among so many things, not a single light shines in my life.
Oh friends, that time to time bring me a shed of hope, your happiness is the only true reason for me to be here. I bless you all for the time and effort spent with me, I hope I can someday return the good moments, with twice as much happiness for you.
But my soul still wanders, in the lonely dark light of the night, in search for a time and place where it can sit and rest. Go away from the demands of life, and find the peace I only thought I could have near Selina.
Tears to those who fought and fell.
Tears to all my regrets in life.
Tears to pains I have caused.
Tears to the peace I've lost.

Human?
I am starting to think I am not human... it is just not feasible to exist such a prime difference between me and humans.
I always had evil toughts, just like anyone else I think, but opposed to what I hoped for, I seem to be one of the few rare people that fight against these toughts. Not that I can get rid of them, just that I wish they never happen and usualy feel bad when they do. It just deeply hurts my hopes to see that people actually enjoy seeing others misery, even if it is on an fictional world.
I do believe that my friends are good people, I think the best of them, but sometimes(like now) I fear that I know no one(or maybe one or two) that is really good, most seem selfinvolved, selfish or just sadistic.
So what, I am bitching about human kind here, just because I have had a few bad days. Not that it gives me the right to bitch around, but the problem resulting from this is that I am losing faith in human kind... in peace... in love... and sadly, in friendship.
I just never have been so much time away from people that were actually caring. I really miss having someone to talk about life, someone that would really give me hope, hope in humans, and in firends. I see so many people online, and only a few talk to me, but they rarely give me any support. I just wish someone would take me away from the crowd and make me smile again.
I gather hope from every funny chat, from every little thing I can, but at some point, hope will become really hard to find on my own.

Well I know that life has its up and downs.
So most of the time I try to think that no matter how down things may seem, there will always be an up waiting in the future.
This sometimes may turn to be very disapointing, but mostly it keeps you going.
Today I just don't seem to be able to comfort myself with the excuse of an temporary state, that will soon pass, bringing happy and unexpected future.
I really miss some parts of mi life.
I miss talking to my friends, loosing hours in knowing new things about friends.
Hehehehe, I some times have the impression that only one, or two friends come to talk with me, specially at MSN.
I miss having long talks, long chats, being part of other peoples lives.
I see many people conected, most of them I don't try to talk with anymore, the others come in silence and leave in silence.
So I gets late, and I go to bed, and many have left before me, without even saying "Hi!", to those who are still there, I wish a good night, in silence, because I am tired of going after everyone.
Good night to everyone.
I hope the silence in my life will fade away in time.