Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I feel so alone...
Searching through the dark I find my close friends not close enough or just not helpful. I am sorry if I fail with my obligations as a friend.
If I had any Strength left I would help every one.
But I loosing a friend and seeing my life colapse around me is taking a toll much greater then expected.
I miss doing fun stuff with you. I miss going to the movies with you. I miss playing games with you.
I just hope to have a chance to be a part of your life again.
I will try to find strength in my friends, in my studies. But you could help so much and you have no idea...

Friday, May 27, 2005

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 15 ~
"...she looked into my eyes and asked:
- Why are you here?
- I came here because I want you by my side.
after a gentle smile she spoke again.
- You look troubled, is there something wrong?
- As you must know by now, the world is in grave danger.
- Yes I know...
- So I set out on a journey to save the world. But after all I have seen, after the enemys I´ve faced, I now find this task impossible for me to do.
- Then why are you here, I is not like I can save the world in you place.
- I came here because I feel in the middle of a storm, and I need somewhere I can rest and calm myself. I need to recover my faith in me, in the world. So I came here to be by your side, to see your smile. You can´t imagine how good it feels to stand by your side and feel this peace. And last I came here to se if you would like to go with me to save the world, so that I will have peace wherever I go.
her eyes were shinning as if she had tears in her eyes. Then she came near to me placed her arms around my body and held me strong near to her in the warmest hug she had ever given me. The relief that came over me almost put my soul to sleep as if she was in so much peace she could finally rest. After some time like this she start to whisper into my ears..."
~ End of Part 15 ~

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Ok... vou apenas justificar por que eu não tenho postado aqui mais...
Eu não ando bem. Não aguento mais a dor. Tanta coisa acumulada...
Se eu encontrar um momento de paz, um esboço de carinho ou um toque de amor eu volto a postar aqui...
até a próxima.
Thomas

Thursday, May 19, 2005

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 14 ~
"...after some time I began to wonder if there was a point to persue a goal you can't reach.
I asked myself if I should keep fighting even knowing that there was no way I could win, or better, I would need a real miracle to win. There was nothing I could do to make a difference, so why should I keep killing my soul in vain. I wandered for days without aim, just going where the wind blew me. Until I ended up discovering that the real purpose of this fight was not for me to win, it was just to make the world different, so that someone who can win would actually step up for the fight. So I kept fighting until now, only hoping that I could change the outcome of the war even if I do not win.
I never cared much about getting myself killed. But now I just fear that I could die with never feeling..."
~ End of Part 14 ~

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

I must say.... happiness is a really strange thing...
I was feeling normal, almost happy with no reason...
I was even trying to help a friend...
But why? Why this sudden change of mood? Is it just jealousy?
No it can´t be... jealousy does not hurt like this...
Envy? Maybe...
But I actually imagine this is the pain of loosing a friend. I feel stolen, abandoned... oh Hell.
I am lost...

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

It is impressive...
I always said that Time if too much could destroy anything.
After seeing a massacre I thought that my heart would be so deeply wounded that all the love I had would have vanished.
But now I know.
Even after all I have passed I still have old feelings left. They weren´t destroyed, though they were really weakened, they still exist..... and that calms me....
There may be hope in the horizon.... maybe not in the future, but in the past...

Sunday, May 08, 2005

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I have been to many places, I have seen a great deal of suffering, I have heard of people killing themselves just because of little things.
But in all my life I have never seen anyone be so tormented by a pain like I am.
Why can´t I have just a little bit of peace? Why the pain goes on? Is this the feeling of loosing your soul, or just the feeling of loosing someone too important?
This is a battle I fear I cannot win... so what option do I have?
I have to wait, even if I don´t want to. I just hope my life changes quickly.
To all of those who survived true pain and now are happy, I hope I become one of you.
To all who never felt true pain, I hope that none of you ever feel this.
And to all who have a friend in true pain, for all sixteen gods, help your friends! I don´t know how you should do that, but this is a battle most can´t survive without friends, so please be the friends they need and give them a better day, a better life.
If I had a wish, I would probably wish that my friends would never have to undergo such pain, that they should have a happy life. I just fear that I won´t be there when they are happy.
To the next generation of fighters I would like to share my wisdom, and for now goes just an advice... make your friends happy. They deserve...
The chilly winds of the south caves of the Ninth Circle of Hell are calling me...
Farewell... happiness to all who deserve....

Thursday, May 05, 2005

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 13 ~
"...I think it is fair. Once a year I travel to the Valley of Atonement, where I go deep into the Cave of Grudge, where the mysts that fill the cave bring to your soul the pain and resentment you have brought upon the living creatures of the world. You feel all the grudge that everyone has for you, and the mysts are so thick and confusing that you can only leave the cave once you reached peace with the grudge you are feeling.
This ritual gives you a chance to feel what other people feel for you, and so you take the responsability for all the pain you have caused. I feel it is only fair that each person should feel the pain they bring upon others, and I do my part to keep the justice of my words. That is why I think I am entitled to cause such a great pain to those who deserve..."
~ End of Part 13 ~

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

In this life we come upon situations very hard...
some of them we are not meant to face, some are battles we should fight alone and some are the battles we fight with our friends because we can´t do it alone.
Well, whenever you can fight, things go easy, because no matter how hard the task is, or how harsh is the war, if you can rise and fight, with either your pure courage, or the strength of your friends, you can end up victorious, and it is mostly up to you. This is good, even if normally you can´t see it.
But when you can do nothing, when you feel like an ant in the hands of a cruel kid, when your most drastic actions can only bring up your own demise, that is where the real pain lies. It is the pain that only your soul can feel, it is that wich alone can destroy you body and make you insane. The better chance you have is to unload all pain from time to time, and you will find a way you would never imagine...
I discovered that no matter how much my heart is hurting, no matter how much blood my soul may have dropped, that I still can lose my mind in a full-study afternoon. It is enough to relax your mind for some hours, to make the pain stop for a bit so that your wounds may heal at last. This time may seem very little compared to the time you suffered, but it is very good to give a break to your soul and spend the energy of your mind, or you body, therefore this little time can seem like an eternal moment of peace... for some time, even if just a couple of minutes your soul was at peace, a peace you would think had been lost forever.
Give your soul a break once in a while, it deserves to rest to.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Everybody's Free
(to wear sunscreen)
Mary Schmich
Chicago Tribune

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97... wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now...
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.
You are NOT as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen..."

Some of the wisest words I have ever heard in my whole life...
~ The Fellings of Blood ~
As I walk now I try to clean the blood in my pure feelings and keep them safe from all this bloodshed. I know my path will take from me more and more blood, but at least I can try to preserve what I feel, for these feelings deserve to stay untainted. The blood may corrupt them in time so now they are isolated from the world so that I can live without fear that my blood may destroy such a beautiful feeling....
What is worth to preserve I was asked, and as much as I wanted to answer, I couldn´t do it because there is no way to describe it. But now I have one way to pass a close idea to what I feel. It is worth fighting, to die for, if you know that feeling makes you suffer and brings you pain and even so you recognize the beauty of it.
I may have no concrete idea of what I feel, but still I know it is wonderful, and I will keep it pure as it deserves, even if I have to suffer for that...