Proxy

   I wish I would stop projecting, that I could take this into my own hands and somehow fix it.

   I've tried many times to take action, to choose a path, and to steer towards some direction in this mad sea, but every time I feel the consequences leave me worse than before. Now I'm afraid to act.... to hurt people, to be as evil as I fear I might be, to discount my frustration on people I wish to be happy and understand the reasoning behind their actions.

   I try not to be selfish, but I imagine most people want some part of their life to be the way they want. I've chased my desires for so long, but now the labyrinth of dangers to avoid leave me unable to act, waiting time to pass, to see if the pressure of those unstopping sands can change the world, or claim my bones.

   Watching the flow of time can be a burden on a soul. Specially in the paradox I find myself in, wanting to change paths, but unwilling to take action. And that is where things become unfair.

   I know I have no right to ask this of you, and that is why I don't. But I silently wish you'd take up arms in my name. That you'd find revolt in my situation and be stirred to do something to help me change paths. To say the words I so desire someone would say in my behest.

   I know the words can hurt... I imagine their purpose IS to hurt, and in discomfort cause change, but I've caused more hurt than I can bear for this life, so I know that if those words ever leave my mouth, they will no longer serve any purpose, for I would be dead or no longer care about the changes they could cause.

   Hence the silence I so desire to be broken.

   But I can't ask you to fight this battle for me, this wildly unfair request will remain along side all those unspoken words.

   Yet, I wish you'd be the voice that breaks the silence.

The Sound

I hate it!
Every single thing...
I don't remember anymore if it was always like this.
Maybe it has been too long.
Maybe I always did hate it.
At first it might have sounded like a better solution.
Could have been just a delusional thought.
I was just trying to avoid worse fates.
I had seen what happened without them.
Maybe a long one could help control the fringe cases.
But my ability to access my surroundings only got worse with time.
One more just for precaution.
One more to save other from myself.....
one more to save me from others?
I don't know what I was thinking.
When I realized the situation had gotten out of hand, I had lost sight of any control.
Blind.... sharing this space with that sound.
Maybe I could take some time to recover here.
I should be safe....
ha!....
Hard to imagine I ever had the heart to chose a different path.
Don't think I could have fought through the potential pain.
Then again, never had I imagined things would change like this.
So many restraints.
Growing stronger in time.
Tighter in regret.
Shorter in fear.
Don't think I can break free.
But I keep trying.
And the sound indicates every shake.
Every clank reverberating with the fears meant to keep me in place.
This dark place, forgotten.
My only company these chains that I've created.
Now more mature than my capacity to remove them.
I hate the sound they make.
Every movement a constant remainder of the narrow path to thread.
Yet.....
I fear much more what the silence has to offer.