I sometimes think that I should not br writing these kind of thoughts here.
These thoughts show the bad aspects of my life, they are not essencialy good, so it would do better for the world if these words never fell under public access.
But this is a Whirlpool of Thoughts, so the thoughts I feel like publishing should be posted here.
I know that sometimes I seem to be complaining about life, and mostly it may seem as if I were a child that didn't get ice cream after the dentist. I have seen many problems, not mine, others', but each person complains about things that are important to them, I know I disagree with the way others scale the importance of things, but when a friend said that that was her way of feeling I tried to help her from her point of view. Accepting and trying to understand differences is crucial.
I know that somethings that get to me and annoy me make no sense to others, but that should at least mean that I don't like to be made fun of regarding things that annoy me. I am clear minded enough to understand that jokes are jokes and I should not let them get to me, most of it I can't control, but what ends up to be really annoying is that people tend to try to annoy me for fun and kicks repeatedly even knowing that that bothers me, that I find to be lack of respect, something that saddens me coming from my friends, people I would never tackle this way, or any other for that matter.
Whenever I said I had no happiness in my life, I was usually said that I had no reason to be unhappy, I have a great family that treats me well, I have many friends, I have health and no troublesome condition(I would say asma, but it is not what they mean), I study in a great college, I do not starve, I live in a decent place. Well I do not contest that my life is not the worst possible, and I have things to be thankful for, but none of those, inside my life, actually means I have to be happy. But most importantly, mostly when people say those are things to make one happy, those things would make them happy, but even my friends having those things and much more, that varies from friend to friend, they still manage to be unhappy sometimes, so they have to have something so important in their lives that it overrides the happiness broght by these kind of stuff, so I suppose that their happiness is linked to the absence of this important thing, or better yet to the presence of something that gives them the happiness for which, family, friends, health, college, food and shelter, are not enough. When I say I have no happiness, I mean I lack something that gives me happiness, all things that are important enough to me are not, lets say, stable, so I have no happiness, something that makes you wake up with energy and disposition to face the everyday challenges, I have good moments that make my day happy(when they actually work) and make living something possible, but these things are fleeting, they end their effect, so it comes a time where the only certain things in my life, make me unhappy. The fact that I tend to have some pretty awfull days are a soo well known fact that I heard from a friend that I must be the most unlucky person in the world, because bad things do not usually concentrate this way.
So many times I thought that I found something that would make my life perfect for a long time, but eventually something happens to take away from me those things. The number of friendships that would die if I didn't call and work so constantly, the number of friends I lost because I just stoped "hi" at MSN, the number of friendships weakened because of distance or lack of time spent together, the number of friends that lost contact because of girlfriend/boyfriend, the number of heart breakes and lost loves.
My friends do not spend time with each other, I am that which connects most of my friends, and yet I have to learn many things about one friend, from another. I miss having a friend that comes to talk and share his/her life, I miss someone that comes to talk to you and will tell you things about their live, I miss having a friends that knows what to say to me, I miss having someone that really trusts me, I miss having someone that gets when I am sad and tries to help, I miss having someone that can sit by my side and make me feel like I will solve my problems and he/she is there to help.
Life could give me one reason to smile every day. It would suffice until my death.
I don't get my friends, they have the extraordinary ability to make me feel like crap most of the time, they rarely seem to care if I am happy, and those of you who have another opinion of this please find in your heart to forgive me and show me, because I am yet to see someone go out of their lives to try to make me happy. My friends promisse to call and do something and they never call, during normal days they say that they don't have time and during vacations we can get together and do something, during vacations they travel and say the will call when they get back so we can do something. I am still waiting for some calls.
Each friend is incredibly important to me, but I can't work on the friendships alone.
Yes I had the worst day of the year, which only had seven days, but it was a really crappy one, I feel very sad, I really want to cry, but things at this point seem so pointless that I feel unable to cry, I feel the pain and feel sad, but the tears that would calm the storm of my soul are dry.
This week promisses to get worse. I hope I am wrong.