The Whirlpool of Thoughts...

2011-11-19T02:20:00.002-02:00

Astral Hell
This term, I don't know if exists in english, refers to the period preceding one's birthday. Usually the 30 days before.
It is regarded as a bad period, where things tend to wrong, bad luck strikes all the time, and people just stay in a bad mood.
I know some people who believe in this. I myself have suffered from this bad period, but I see it a little differently.
While I did think that worse things happened around this time of year, as well as bad things happened more frequently, it was the part of me that had to question my worth, my meaning in this life that got me depressed every time.
The reasoning behind this was questioning why people were nicer to me this time of year, and only at this time of year. Could be just in my mind. It is after all a human made excuse to have a specific time to give the ones you hold dear a token of appreciation. It's just the time of year elected to do it, so it's embedded in our culture. That doesn't mean they care less the rest of the year. Or maybe it does.
My deepest wish, for the past birthdays, was that my friends would show me that they cared about me the whole year. No presents, no demands. Just "I like you", "You are important", "I miss you" and (more importantly) "I'd like to do something with you, let's go out" on random days through the year.
This has been my drama for, let's say, 15 years. I HATE THIS TIME OF THE YEAR.
I hate thinking that people are being nice out of a social obligation.
I hate to think that my friends don't know me enough to buy me an adequate present. But hey, most people can't do this effectively. And even if they could, I'm complicated. I have most things I want, if I want it and don't have it, is either because it's too expensive for me (and therefore something one wouldn't ask of a friend) or it is inaccessible to me (due to my country and laws and such). I'd much rather have the gift being a "favor" in making the thing I want accessible to me, and I'd be glad to pay for it. (Just like I did with a friend last year, who got her sister to bring me a game which I wanted so much, but couldn't import at a feasible price).
It was never about getting a physical object, it was about having a friend show you that they'd do something to make you happy. To be honest, I still wish it very simply: that my friends would simply play with me, give me some priority in life.
But I digress =P
And for the FIRST time in 15 years, ohhh it's been a long time, I'm happy (around my birthday).
This last few weeks have been the best in ages. So great that I feel I could win the lottery any moment. Or that the only way it could get better is if I did win the lottery.
Job offers, Diablo 3 beta key, fun games, fun times. Oh, and a girlfriend. Who until further notice I will hold responsible for my smiles.
You see, Astral Hell is about the time in which you question the values of your life. In which you gaze upon the reflection of yourself in the people around you. And the most common time to do this, is around your birthday when people are paying attention to you.
But whether you feel happy or sad, depends only on whether you care about what you see or not.
All the troubles I had a month a got, relationship issues, feeling insignificant to life, games that won't work for no reason. They don't matter anymore.
I have someone that makes me feel silly happy. Whose smile makes me feel happy. Whose kiss just can't be put in words.
Oh heavenly kiss.
I wish people will understand one day how I work regarding presents, how all I need to be happy is my friends by my side (wanting to be by my side)
But for now, I don't care, I just want to see her smile.
Thank you, for giving me this gift. For my 113th birthday.

2011-07-16T16:20:00.002-03:00

Prepared
Oh how it hurts.
No matter how prepared you are.
You've heard it a thousand times.
You imagined how it would play out.
But you can't tell yourself how much it will hurt.
There will never be enough preparation.
I miss you.
I miss even the most stupid things, like the path to you.

Oh how cruel is life.
But there ain't no rest for the wicked.

2011-04-28T20:41:00.002-03:00

Language, Culture and Disappointment
You know, I've always had mixed feeling about preserving culture.
Like, I'd like the world to speak only one language, to be easier to communicate around the world, but at the same time I think each country should have it's unique style.
In France there's been some controversy with the ban on Islamic Veils. For one I think it's one of the stupidest thing humans can do, banning choices of clothes. But I can respect the idea of keeping the population from adopting a norm that I naturally find stupid. I think if you go to another country to live there, the least you could do is to adapt to their culture. Which is my next point.
I've been to Miami and Orlando last week. The differences are incredible. Miami has been taken by latin people. 90% of the people I met spoke horrible english and were more fluent in spanish. While I have nothing against they migrating there, I think it's a disrespect that they don't even try to learn the language of the country they live in. I entered a KFC and everyone was speaking spanish, even the cashier spoke in spanish.
Orlando on the other hand, while being packed with tourists visiting Disney as I was, almost everyone spoke perfect english. I saw far less brazillians in there then in Miami, considering how the city is build around tourists, the proportion of foreigners to americans was impressively low.

It's weird how these things are... each country has an impressive and different culture, and I think everyone should be able to experience any culture they want. But living in a country should mean respecting their culture. And culture should never get in the way of communication, understandings and a more connected and evolved world.

2011-03-28T23:32:00.004-03:00

Facing the Truth
6 years ago my life changed... drastically.
We look at our past, and remember events.
Since that day, so many things happened.
I've seen deep fears come true. I've seen the selfish side of humans.
I've seen how helpless I was, and in the process, how self absorbed I acted.
I know, when people are plunged into their worst nightmares, there's little they can do to act civil, and I see how poorly, despite my age, I reacted.
My actions had their ramifications, and consequences. I've lost important friends. I saw how fragile the bonds around me really were.
I learned how to turn despair into resolution, and took arms to fight for my own freedom. But I fought the wrong battle, I fought to free myself from the shackles of responsibility, instead, I should have fought for myself, for my humanity, for being a better person.
I've paid the price. With the road I choose, the power I used, there was a cost. As I knew, it was steep, but blinded I saw no other way.
I traveled. Far, close... to many places. I've seen beauties in my country that make me proud and humble to live in this planet. I've gone abroad, with friends, and for a slight moment, on my own.
I traveled with friends. And with family too. I've seen that different places, are not so different.
Neither are people.
I've had lots of fun. I had friends to keep my mind busy most of the time. I created stories, games, songs, adventures.
I've changed jobs a few times.
I moved to a new city. And met new and incredible people.
I was robbed... twice. But, despite the frustration and injustice. It is as insignificant as a grain of sand in the beach.
Countless movies.
I've got engaged in worlds that now I hold so dearly with me.
I've bought two videos game consoles.
I got to know a face of beauty and kindness. And even though, we are apart, she gave me a lot, and I am thankful and wish everyday for her happiness.
I've got to live some adventures.
Being at a distant view, I saw the changes in bonds around me. Bonds filling with tears. I saw unexpected bonds blooming incredibly.
I heard people telling to wait.
I heard people telling me to take action.
I learned that it's not about either one. MY life, is about reacting, doing the things needed when they are needed, and waiting when it's right.
I miss the life I had.
I miss what I was.
But it's not about what could have been, or what I should have done. It's about making my life the best it will allow me to achieve.
I won't forget that day. I think I can't. I'll take it with me to my grave, or to the crematory if anyone pays attention to my desires.
But six years latter, I realized something I've known for some time.
That day, that day of the year, contrary to the first few years, is no longer a part of my life.
Despite it being a reminder that I now don't even pay attention to, I does not affect me.
My life now is fully independent from that event.
Despite what I do feel now, despite the price I paid or the memories that will serve as lesson, I don't care about that particular event anymore.
My life has found a path with no intersections with that event.
Not that I'm celebrating of complaining.
It's about accepting.
It's about me fully understanding that my life has moved on. Full of troubles and sorrows. But glowing with friends and fun. Still with a lot of opportunities. I don't need to look to the doors that were closed, or the doors that opened. I just live in a knew situation, and I'm focused in dealing with it, and not the past that led me there.
We can't fight things stronger than us. But it is still our own story, and we can answer to the call of the wind, take the stage without questioning, and act the lead role of our lives.

2011-03-07T01:27:00.002-03:00

The Consuming Power
For a while now I've been wanting to analyze the difference and main aspects of both Rage and Hatred. First we begin by the dictionary definitions.

Rage:
1. a : violent and uncontrolled anger b : a fit of violent wrath c archaic : insanity
Hate:

1 a : intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury.

Even though they seem to refer to almost the same emotion, even by looking at the definition we can see the nature of both is different.

Rage, often associated with fire, is as said, uncontrolled. Rage comes as a severe reaction to an event. Rage usually bypasses all rational judgment, fueling one's desire to action. It makes them act violently, being straightforward and trying to solve the problem instantly. The downside, is that when ignoring all rational thoughts, one is very prone to make some mistake, or take an action they might regret. It can be seen as something that consumes the body, empowering it, while rendering one's mind disabled. It make your body more ready to take action, ignoring fear or personal safety. Any animal trying to protect their young from predators, is showing anger.
Hatred works very differently. Hatred is not something one suddenly feels, it does not lead to immediate action and it does not cloud someone's judgment. Hatred is a byproduct of other emotions, if one can't properly process one's emotions, they might end up turning into hate. Being mistreated, abused or psychologically wounded may lead to hatred. Hatred has a point, it's own agenda, and it leaves one's mind free to calculate, think and plan how to complete this agenda, with least personal damage. Hate does not prepare the body to do anything, it occupies the mind to think, but the mind is left intact, but there is one problem with hate. Hate consumes the soul. It changes people's attitudes, the way they see the world. It kills innocence. It may not lead to action, but those willing to take action, are likely to do something drastic.
None of these are good to feel. While anger may lead to a solution to an immediate problem, it does not last, it leaves no scars, but the occasional regret of some action taken. Hatred on the other hand may seem like a way to end pain and other negative emotions, but is a one way road, it consumes and changes.

2011-01-12T00:13:00.003-02:00

Gratitude
Recently, I'm going through some changes in life. Some experiences happened in my life, and with some of them, I've got to realize some of my dreams... those minor ones... those inner desires and curiosities that you want, not the life project ones.
Everyone has dreams like these, and most people accomplish some of those, maybe all. But most of the time, they do so with the "help" or participation of another person.
What I've been wondering is how to properly thank these people for what they've done for you, even if it was mutually beneficial, or wasn't specifically a favor for you. But these people represent an important part of your life, so they deserve both recognition and appreciation. But I don't know how to do it.
Would it suffice to go straight to them and just say it? Would it be embarrassing depending on the dream? Would they be happy with more than just words? It it even necessary?
I feel like going to them and saying it.
But new dreams keep on appearing and being fulfilled, so I want to tell the new people, but somehow I want to tell everyone at the same time.
I could keep a track of it.
I would like to give some gifts... but then they might feel diminished regarding the event.
It's a weird concept. But still...
In the end, for now, the best I can do is this.
To all of you who gave me a dream, something to say that I did before I die, thank you... you made a child smile more ^^

2010-12-31T03:32:00.002-02:00

Free Time
I've been thinking. Am I the guy with the most free time in my group of friends?
This description sounds kind of pathetic, like I have nothing to do in my life.
It may be the case. Outside of work, I have very little obligations. There is the occasional movies, weekend gaming and the sports club I go to.
But most of the time, if someone proposes to do something fun, I'll be free, at least free enough to postpone any activities I had planed.
This, of course, does not happen with my friends. Not to the same extension.
So I began to think what is free time? Where does it come from? What causes it?
I came to believe that no one has actually free time. Generalization apart, some people may have obligations that take a lot of time, like 12 to 14 hours a day. Others may have times in their lives that they have no obligations whatsoever. But neither stand sitting on a chair looking at the clock and just plain watching time pass. Which would be the most pure concept of free time.
Instead, what happens is that everyone fills their lives with something that interests them. Even if it is sleep.
So when does free time come into existence? It does not!
There is no free time, free time is a subtle expression of priority.
We all know how I have a strict perception about priorities. How they reflect judgment upon people.
Free time is just a way of saying, "Doing this activity is more worthwhile than that one".
Think about this example. You play poker with friends every tuesday. But your girlfriend that lives in another town, has a week off and comes to visit you on a tuesday. You don't actually have free time, but you'll make time to go out with her. Which is a translation of, "I'd rather go out with my girlfriend that I rarely see, then play poker with the people I play every week.".
It is not a question about right or wrong. The thing is, people don't have free time, they just have things they'd rather do.
Claiming to have free time is just an expression of the amount of time you're willing to give up for an activity with your listener. It is generally the amount of time you have no level of priority assigned, and are therefore free to give any priority, or in the case nothing comes up, assign a default activity with which you fill your spare time.
Anyone has free time. Anyone can make it. People just limit this effort to people that are really important to them.

2010-11-22T16:32:00.001-02:00

Dedication

Merriam-Webster: 2: a devoting or setting aside for a particular purpose.

Everything we do, we do with a purpose. Hence, everything requires in some degree dedication.
That is fairly obvious, but it leads to observations rarely conscious.
Dedication goes in many forms, be it the time dedicated to head a story, the money spent on a restaurant with a loved one, effort done to find that special object you've always wanted or even the amount of self inflicted suffering to win the championship. But one thing among all forms of dedication is that it ain't "free". It may not cost you money, but will certainly take something from you. That is why dedication is a luxury commodity, and like all commodities it is worth something.
Now this may as well be the revelation. Dedication has a value, for each person, their efforts, time, money, happiness, etc, has a common value, which explains why we do things one way over the other, it may as well be a numeric decision.
People rarely think about this, but why does one go to eat a piece of meat costing 40 "moneys" instead of one costing 10 "moneys"? I mean, if you ask someone the answer is simple, 'because it's better'. This is simple, and everyone understands, but the actual meaning is more on the lines of 'because the time and money I have to dedicate to this meal is worth a tasty and more satisfactory meal.'
This is simple association between value and dedication. Same logic goes when you ask the same person why don't they eat the 40 "moneys" meat everyday, with the exception of rich people, as people's money goes down, it's value rises which means that dedicating a higher amount of money on the best meat isn't worth the satisfaction.
Following through with the implications. Assuming I can treat everything in terms of dedication (like the value of the money you dedicate to something), I dare to say that the amount of dedication expresses directly the worth of something.
So if you go and pay 1000 "moneys" for a ball of ice cream , or you travel 500 miles to eat at a restaurant, those things are really worthy (this of course assuming you aren't just plain crazy =P).
The problem with this, and the source of this trail of thought, is measuring the worth of a person. I'll avoid talking about myself, and my worth, but as I stood watching my cousin's show, I couldn't help but think on this subject.
It was not her first show, just the first one I saw. I got there early, there was another band playing first, but still most of the people in the bar were either friends of hers or family. As the other show progressed, people kept showing up, more and more friends. Maybe 30 people had gone see her show, and I get why... she was awesome. But I think, they would've gone either way, because she is a great person, and her friends must love her and therefore will always be there to support her.
I've known this for a while, but only now I've realized the correlation between dedication and worth. I've always given it to priority. But one's priorities aren't but a quantification of the value of things, the required dedication.
In the end, the old saying was right, time is money, and to do something, you require time, so dedication requires money, how much "money" are you willing to spend on each thing. This is the decision being made every day, by and for, every human.
So think about this the next time.
What is the message you are sending when you choose to do, or not, something?

2010-10-14T15:09:00.003-03:00

Daily Life
Wounded foot.
Bad salary.
No time.
Little motivation.
No company.

This is definitely not worth it.

2010-04-29T17:00:00.000-03:00

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 33 ~
"... so now that you are all seated I can tell you more about the secret arts."
Deep in this part of the woods, sun crystals grew, giving a bright light all around them, even if the sun could barely penetrate the thick foliage. Ghola sat near a tree lower than the others, on it's protuberant root escaping the earth. The tree was the only thing between him and the river, which made a nice sound, and reflected the light around, turning every leaf to a different color.
The children sat in different places, mostly near trees in front of him, but some decided that is was a good idea to seat on the branches of the tree, but everyone made sure they could listen to the scholar. There was a tree close to his left, where a particular group of five friends sat on the branches, boys on one, girls on the other, all quietly hearing his tale.
"There are many schools of magic." He paused. "As you all should know by now. Mostly they teach you about the ten most fundamental ones. That is because they are the most common, easy to use, day to day handy spells. I've already told you about the secret school, which has spells so rare and powerful, that only a few people ever master a spell. They are hard to perform and learn, and since their power is immense, few people get to practice them without disrupting lifestyles."
Ghola swept the ground in front of him, making a clear and even surface, where he used his staff to draw some symbols. "Basic magic, we use mana and casting to create a breach between this and the mana plane, in order to create a spell. That is how most schools work at least. This particular school has a peculiar difference. It does not create the magic from the mana plane through the ritual, it instead creates many small holes between the planes from where the mana flows, in chaotic patterns, creating a natural spell."
The kids followed with different levels of attention as he drew on the ground and explained. Some seemed confused, others eager to learn more. Considering this wasn't a class, they were greatly focused.
"You may have heard about it, it is known more popularly as cursing, jinxing and hexing." Most didn't seem to recall anything, only a handful gave a positive response, including one of the girls in the tree next to him. "They are different forms of the same school, they all use the same principle, but each work differently. This is how the school of entropy works. It changes the flow of mana, to affect the flow of events"
"Cursing is one of the most ancient magic arts, with records from before the rebirth, but like the whole school, it fell out of use, since it's power is purely destructive. Curses take long to cast, like a ritual, their effect is quite strong, but they activate on certain conditions, it may take years, centuries, or they may never go active."
"If it's not guaranteed to work, why use this kind of magic?" Asked a boy with blond hair sitting the highest on the ground.
"Well, there are many ways to make it work. Mostly curses serve to keep people from doing things you don't want, and so you warn them before the curse is activated. When a curse is used to harm, instead of prevent, then the caster usually uses the person's habits to trigger an eventual curse, using an event that is bound to happen."
"But of course this is not useful in combat" Ghola continued. "So we have hexes and jinxes. Both are extremely fast cast, low consuming, but also unpredictable. Hexes are mostly effects that leave you vulnerable, but contrary to other schools, they don't have a specific way of happening."
"Wait... what?" Interrupted a confused girl near his right. He took a moment to survey everyone's faces, making sure that they could follow his explanation, after all it was a weird information to give to 7 year old children. Then he began to draw again in the ground, this time using a prestidigitation spell to help the drawings move around as animated stick figures.
"Say your opponent is really fast, so you try to cast a hex to slow him down. With a time spell, some force, generated by the casting will reduce his speed for you, but with the hex something in the environment will do the job. It may be the roots of the bushes that stretch out to bind him, or maybe the ground explodes, sending a thick mud all over him, anything the world can do to make it happen. It would seem mostly like bad luck, and that is the whole principle of Entropy magic. It is not cast, leaves no traces, seems natural."
He dismissed the spell and the stick figures remained silent and static.
"Jinx is the most direct way to enact an Entropy spell. Jinxes, like hexes, make things go wrong for your opponent, but instead of applying vulnerabilities, it has short term effects that disrupt your enemy. Going from indirect damage, to fumbles, misses, slips and anything that might mean trouble to your opponent. Just don't expect anything specific, cause bending entropy to your will is much harder than making something happen, though the better you are, the easier it is to make the simple things go the way you want..."
One of the boys in the tree to his left laughed as bit. "Magic should be something you can rely on, it's a complex art that requires precision and timing, so why would anyone waste so much effort in something they are not sure they can count on?"
Ghola just grinned as he looked forward to the other kids. "No spell is 100% reliable, but Entropy
will try to make the effect happen, doesn't matter how, or why, just the outcome. Like this." He said snapping his fingers.
Both boys heard the distinct sound of wood shattering, they looked at each other, only one of them looked surprised as the branch beneath them broke and fell, taking the child down with it. The other, who until now remained silent, floated where the branch once was, ignoring the funny event and reclining once again against the tree.
..."
~ Taken from the Book of Origins ~
~ End of Part 33 ~

2010-04-25T21:59:00.000-03:00

Blind Search
People don't believe me when I say that everyone has stats like any RPG in the world. The only difference is that we have a whole lot more special cases that can be considered that are often ignored.
The game treats two characters with the same strength as being able to life a stone with the same ability, regardless of their personal experience in lifting stones.
RPGs usually have two very confusing skills, that may seem to represent the same thing, but if one pays close attention they actually represent something very real.
Search and Spot, are usually mixed, and people often don't get the difference. Quite frankly I agree they seem to represent the same thing, someone trying to find something, but that is the pure definition of search. On the other hand spot is usually meant to represent people suddenly seeing something, without really searching for it.
These skills are associated with different status, intelligence for search, and wisdom for spot. Despite being another discussion whether we do have status like these ones, I agree with this association. When you are intelligent you use search patters to cover a better area more efficiently, of course, it's hard explain a link between wisdom and spot, but I believe wisdom reflects directly how you perceive the world.
Searching is usually going through a Where is Waldo? book and searching areas, rows, columns or any organized way. Spot is wandering your eyes aimlessly around and suddenly seeing Waldo behind the elephant. People are not aware how their lives are ruled buy skills and status they have and train.
It's very often to see people who have no ability whatsoever to search for things and people. The kind that wastes 5 minutes searching for the notebook that is on their lap, or searching for someone who is 5 meters straight in from of them. But these people when not paying attention they know where things are, it's just the difference between a really bad search skill and a good spot skill.
This is when you want someone to perceive something, you can only ask them if they have a good search. Imagine you want to make a joke, and ask for someone to tell you if they see anything wrong with something the see frequently, something you are sure they'll see the problem. But they try to find something they are not sure what is, and just ruin the whole search.
I've seen this happening many times, people each have different perceptions and not everything applies to everyone. The same goes about every status and skill.
I for one have a high spot, but a low search, not as low as my peers, I still can find a notebook one my lap.

2010-03-17T08:14:00.003-03:00

Dearly Beloved
Time passed lazily as the sun began to hide behind the mountains.
People occupied the hills nearby, close to the forest, where the leaves displayed a spectacular variety of colors. They danced with the wind, waving goodbye to everyone who left.
Some leaves fell from time to time, only to be carried away through the hills, deftly dodging the small hands of the kids trying to catch them. Laughter filled the air, filling the silent afternoon, occasionally accompanied by the sounds of the whispering wind and rustling leaves.
Near a tree, on the highest hill around, a couple sat on a green silky sheet, far from other sounds. They were there for hours, they hadn't spoken a single word in three hours. They played with a ball she brought, they gave each other food, observed and touched the foliage and even did some tricks with it... all without a word.
He sat with his back to the sun, contemplating her. Admiring every smile, how her lips stretched to a thin pink symmetric shape. The sun reflected off her eyes, changing them to a lighter color which changed within minutes as the sun got closer to the horizon. He lied on his side, one hand holding his head, and the other caressing her left hand.
She leaned against the tree, and stared downhill towards the forest, uninterested in all human activity far from her, noticing every color of the leaves, the constantly changing color of the sun, and the wind in her hair. The wind played with her hair, parting it sideways around the tree, and it felt good on her skin.
For almost an hour they stayed like this, silent, just relaxing, smiling. He felt a muscle shift quickly in her hand, which brought his focus back to reality, his eyes scanned her face, the smile still there, her eyes still fixed on the horizon, but a single solitary tear escaped her right eye. He calmly set up, took the tear from her cheek with the free hand.
He then sat by her side, supported by the tree, and holding her hand, fingers intertwined. All she did was a soft comfortable blink, kept looking to the end of the valley, and tilted her head to rest upon his shoulder.
They waited like that until night fell, and silent filled the absence of others.

2010-03-05T20:53:00.002-03:00

Between clouds and lights.
It had been a while since I took a plane. With this recent trip to Las Vegas I think I had enough plane for some time. But the first time as an adult I had some interesting sights while airborne.
Clouds do form the most interesting shapes, but it's not about the shapes... it's interesting when you wake up, the first part of the morning, and the sun light just brightens all the clouds. You peek outside the window, an endless ocean of puff of clouds each one like the next, all pure white. Some time latter the empty sky gave way to the endless ocean. I've seen many cloud formation very pretty while in the sky. Only when coming back home that the clouds just seemed like a continuous stream of smoke.
Most interesting was to travel by night close to the ground. There are just the mos amazing light formations in the cities.
When you notice that block with lights in patterns it is just amazing. There were blocks close to home that I didn't imagine had lights so symmetrical. Funny to see different cities the way their main lights are distributed. Forms like crosses, squares and arcs were pretty common.
Being someone who deals with computers a lot, I couldn't help noticing that far from above the lights reminded me of mother boards. It was funny to enjoy the lights.
I missed traveling a lot. I think I missed more the change of pace. Seeing another country, living a different life style for a few weeks. I'm glad to be back in many ways. And now I know there are some amazing sights right of the takeoff.

2010-02-16T11:24:00.002-02:00

Tending to the neglected.
Well, its not the lack of inspiration, but the lack of time that keeps me from posting here.
I'm keeping here for the important events happening, but eventually, after all this commotion passes, I'll resume my normal life, and eventual posting here.
I honestly would love to be able to make my life out of writing here and my book, but I see no income down that road, so I have a normal job, which I like, but isn't as satisfying as it could be.
In the mean time I'll be taking my vacation now. I'm going to Las Vegas for two weeks with a couple of friends.
I hope my english is up to the challenge.
Maybe I'll put up some pictures here.

See ya on the other side.

2010-01-26T08:31:00.003-02:00

Tattoo
Just to update here with something.
I made a tattoo this weekend. And with it I wish to set apart the past from the future, leaving behind many memories and griefs, and renew the hopes of a great future.
All in all, for anyone who cares, it does hurt, what would you expect from being pierced 100 times per second?! But it is not that bad, it takes some self control, and of course good company helps, but when you come to it, it will already be over. And it is really nice to a symbol of your own. If any of you wish to make a tattoo, do it, don't take too long, and most importantly do something that means a lot to you and will forever be a part of you.

2010-01-14T01:29:00.004-02:00

Book 2
As the story of book 1 requires lots of attention, but my mind has led me to thinking of the story of the second book. I'm proud to present my site and the publishing of the first page of my new book.
Mission Earth
I'll put a link on the side bar for anyone interested in keeping track of the story through here, though I believe it would be easier to use the RSS in the other site.

Maelstron.

2010-01-09T02:26:00.000-02:00

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 32 ~
"He was not shy, nor antisocial, but his nature led him to be one with the most individual attitude.
During recess he usually searched for a spot to be alone, but as kids social nature goes, it didn't take long for someone to find him and they go off do something more fun.
It was a sunny day, perhaps too sunny for him, so this time he went to a place where he could rest in a comforting shadow with a cool breeze.
On top of the main building there is a tree, or at least the leaves growing out of the roof. The huge tree cast a shadow in the morning over the training grounds, and in the afternoon at the play area.
At noon the light got very intense. Both areas got hot.
Too bright he thought. But at least in the shade of the tree, up high over the building there was a fresh wind, and all he had to do was to avoid being seen on the way up there. Very easy for him.
And so he sat on one branch, paying little attention to the kids down there.
Down in the play area kids went on their own business, playing, training, talking. Those were peaceful times, so most gossip went about who had a relationship with whom.
Groups gathered based on interests. Groups size varied on the friendliness of it's members.
One group was considerably larger than the rest, containing about 14 kids, 8 girls and 6 boys. They all chatted and laughed. Their topic was mostly the odd things their teachers did last week to teach them. One boy told the story was about Leinil, the water elemental teacher, who in attempt to teach them how to lower the temperature of the water snuck with the class to the pools, and froze it all over, but the interesting part was that Heralti had been sneaking around in the pools, practicing her invisibility spell, and when she entered she hid underwater invisible, so she was completely frozen by the teacher's spell. Took them about 2 minutes of class before they realized there was someone under there when the spell faded.
A girl, apparently one of the most friendly of the group, was just barely paying attention to the story. She heard every word, and commented when fit, but her gaze floated around the courtyard, she felt something carry her attention away, she scanned everyone, looking for something interesting. They all seemed to be having fun. She wanted to talk to them, but they were not what seemed so interesting.
Near the end of the story she noted a strange figure in the distance, under the shade of a tree. Barely perceptible.
Without saying anything she just got up and left running, crossing through the group. They all stared at her, a confused look in their faces. Boy finished the story despite her absence.
She had to get up there, but she could not be seen. Easier thought than done she thought.
Stealth was not her specialty, but she was fast and light enough to run without drawing too much attention. She sprinted quickly through the school, going up the 4 floors up to the roof. There the door was locked. How did he get past this door she wondered.
She didn't like doing this, but hey, it was fun. She charged up a little electricity in the lock of the door, causing tumblers to bound around until after sometime they fell into place and the lock turned. She got to the other side, not bothering to close the door, and walked calmly up to the boy resting in the tree.
She didn't need to ask, she understood why he was her, the place felt nice, and was really beautiful.
He didn't need to open his eyes, he knew she was there, but he opened his eyes to see who she was. Who was this person interested in coming all the way here, breaking some rules, just to talk to him, he imagined.
The girl was about his height, had a red hair, with black eyes. She had a really captivating smile.
- Nice place you got here. - she said.
He smiled.
- Come, have a seat and relax a bit, you could take a time off all that crowd.
She giggled.
- Nice to meet you, the name is..."
~ End of Part 32 ~

2009-11-19T18:14:00.002-02:00

Cycle.
111...
Only 4 more years left... or more precisely, less than 5 years left.
I can only wish now that next year may prove to be better, though that would be quite easy considering this year was really terrible.
Unity project has began. Maybe next year I'll have a fun prototype. I plan to begin some interesting things next year.
Lets see how things play out. Currently the cards are not in my hand.

2009-10-14T14:42:00.002-03:00

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 31 ~
"He casually entered her tent.
There she was, nearly naked, in front of the mirror, with a thin paint brush. She had a pallet with different colors and she was painting her own body.
- Don't you get tired of doing this every morning? - he asked.
- I got used after some time. I'd rather be prepared and lose some minutes than have to undergo massive healing in case of an ambush.Besides, don't you think it makes me look pretty?
- Well, it does, but you are beautiful anyway. Though you are quite unique with all that arcane painting.
She cast the enchantment, and the symbols around her shoulders and fore arms glowed gently.
The ink was brown mostly with some royal blue fillings. She had painted most of her body, much of her back, her legs shoulders and arms, her chest, and she was painting her face.
- Don't you complain about being unique, you're much more unique than any of us.
He sat on a bean bag on the left side near the entrance. The place was well lit, and she glanced from time to time through the mirror to look at him. He had inspected the marking on his friend when he entered, but now he kept his sight outside through the thin opening in the tent's door.
- Unique is good. - he said, and waited a few seconds for his focus to come back - How do you manage to paint so precisely in your own back?
- Well, when I don't have help I use some basic spells to keep a steady paintbrush behind me and to reflect my body into an invisible outline in front of me, so I know where I'm painting.
- You know you can ask for my help right?
- Yes, - she giggled - thanks, but I don't think you know much about creating rune spells.
- Indeed, I didn't dwell so much into spellcasting to know how to do that. So what spells do you pre-cast on your body?
* Translator note *
Spells usually take some time to cast, and something more, like some conjuration words, or a sequence of movements to tap into the mana source. With a lot of training in the art, one may cast some spells into their skin, in the form of a rune, or tattoo. This way, they may cast beforehand some spells, and in case they need it, they may cast it quickly, in case of emergencies.
* End of note *
She dressed the top of her outfit, and grabbed her staff near the dresser. She turned to look at him, still painting the rest of her face.
- Ahhh the basic spells for emergencies. Flight, Haste, Barrier, Shell, Mirror, Counter-Spell, Dispel Magic, Jump and just in case I need more fire power, Ice Nova.
- Hehehe, you seem more prepared than us for combat. Doesn't it take a huge amount of mana to cast them?
She finished her conjuration and the symbols in her face glowed pale green and vanished into her skin.
- And that is why I cast them before breakfast. - she said smiling."
~ End of Part 31 ~

2009-10-05T20:00:00.000-03:00

Thank you... for... everything.

2009-09-17T20:18:00.004-03:00

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 30 ~
"Mid-period recess. Every kid seems to be playing with something.
Of course, like most days groups tend to form according to personal interest. Every one does it, kids just don't realize it.
Mages had taken half the sports field, it has a great area to practice, the young ones look mesmerized the older mages practice some spells. Some of the kids try to imitate, mostly failing, and sometimes a spell back fires sending a kid a few steps back... but no harm done, the spells practiced are never too harmful to create a dangerous backfire. Its more flare and lights than raining meteors.
Athletes occupy the second half, playing with some balls, some gears, but it's generally kids chasing something after something or someone. Near the sidelines some youngsters practices varieties of sports, from basic weapon training with the dummies, to gymnastics and balance with friends trying to create a human pyramid.
Of course, no one goes unwatched. The supervisors have a good training to perceive dangers, and they keep an eye out for trouble.
Alchemists and scholars usually sit near the eating tables, but they are usually older, no kid would dare think of touching a book during recess.
Some girls form groups here and there, usually sitting on a table or in the grass, in the case of more relaxed girls, they usually talk, but from time to time one can be seen casting a spell, using a spiritual power, or even even practicing a weapon.
Rarely a teacher is seen in this part of the school. They usually can be found in the cafeteria on the other side of the main building or on each specific class room where they teach.
Elementalists have their fun, but they can't over do it, usage of elemental powers is restricted, any high concentration of energy would alert the supervisors. Older students can get permission to do specific things, like lowering the temperature on hot days, or creating a ball of light to illuminate everything. Usually more simple things are allowed, as long as any harmful power is avoided.
It was like any other day. Nothing special.
Though one could have paid attention to a group of children playing static tag.
They are around 5 each, about six kids. Two already got caught, and stand very still in the middle of the play area. The chaser is a red headed kid, with long black eyes, he seems to calmly take the time to strike. The other three ran as fast as they could, there were heading towards the lunch tables. The first kid on the left charged towards the closest table, and when in reach he took a sliding dive and passed under the table. This alarmed most people there eating and talking, bringing their attention to the group still running.
The chaser didn't bother, he had other target.
The kid most distant had black hair, with streaks of lighter hair, same as his eyes, he was thin, not much strong, but didn't seem like a weakling. The other kid, was a closer, but a bit to the right, he was fast enough to be in front, his green hair, with dark green eyes, he was focused in front, and did not look back. The chaser knew something was on but what? They were closing in on the sharp turn around the main building he thought it would be better to strike the closest one before he could turn.
The kid in front glanced back, seeing his pursuer ready the attack, he stepped forward turning his body in the process, and making a signal to his friend.
The boy with green hair jumped high to the roof over the cafeteria line. The other boy continued his steps to turn forward again, making sure to get out of the way of the attack. He did plan how to avoid the attack, but since he was too close to the turn, he didn't plan how to avoid the girl that appeared in his way, right behind him. There was no stepping out of the way, no time to jump, and she was clearly paying attention to the conversation with her two other friends, so she would not get out of the way. At his speed he would hurt her, no matter how though she was.
The split second changed many things to come. It was the oddest thing ever to the few people paying attention. The two girls flinched while widening their eyes from the fright of the eminent tackle. The girl startled was turning to see what her friends were reacting to. The boy chasing them was stopping and clearly surprised with this event. The boy had little choice, he did have some knack for reacting quickly, and quite some training playing with the shadows, and there is a technique that comes in handy when avoiding things, one he did like, and would become essential to him. With a lot of energy, very quick concentration, and unleashed his power.
The shadows swept through his body, leaving him translucent, and with a shadowy trail of his movements. This took away his concentration from his stepping, so he leaned back, toward the girl, and tried to put his feet to the ground before falling.
To much of everyone's surprise, the boy passed right through the girl, who felt this energy wave through her body, as for some brief moments they stood on the same place. Everyone gasped. He kept going backwards still trying to avoid falling, but could not keep up with his momentum, eventually when he was no longer in the same place as the girl, his power faded, and he tripped, knocking over some empty metal trays near the food line, which fell over him.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at the noise. Those who could see something laughed at him. The supervisors giggled while paying attention to him.
He didn't mind the laughing, he deserved it, he would have laughed if he was in their place, he was just glad he did not hit the girl.
When he shook off the last of the trays he saw one of the few people around him not laughing. The girl, still a bit confused, was crouching in front of him, one hand on her knee for balance, and the other was offered as help, she smiled a bit from the situation.
He reached out for her hand and smiled shyly..."
~ Taken from the Book of Origins ~
~ End of Part 30 ~

2009-08-19T22:16:00.002-03:00

Open you senses.
"Some people don't live completely on our world.
This was his case. Like many others he was not bound to the physical traits of our world.
His walk, unlike most did not step in stone. His body did not feel the wind others did. His eyes saw not the obstacles in the road, for closed they would gaze upon another plane.
He felt the waves of mana flowing around him, gently chilling the skin of his arms as they enveloped him.
He seemed to walk, but he passed through the energy flow as if he was swimming.
Concentrated strips of energy dodged him, as they followed the wind, wherever it might take them.
The grayish tone of the energy made the contrast with the generally blue highlight of the whole plane. His form had a more hot coloring, it was light green, though it had not a strict form, but rather it was a green blur shimmering with the energy ripples around it.
He walked calmly, he knew there was no one around for many kilometers.
But interestingly enough, if you were around, you would just see another man, but walking against the cold wind, with his eyes closed. At least the may have been what those in his way thought."

2009-07-22T17:02:00.000-03:00

Silence
After so many events in life, after so much has happened, now my voice is silent.
I can't even imagine myself saying to someone the things I feel.
I have no one to lean on. Or at least no one I want to lean on.
It is odd. I feel like I want to jump into someone's arms, but I don't feel like I can jump into the arms of someone I know.

Shit.

By the way... my PC is down for the mean time.

2009-06-14T23:09:00.003-03:00

The Map, the Key and he Compass
Each Zelda fan knows there are some basic components to completing a dungeon.
There is the Map, which gives you detailed room disposition from all floors.
The Compass which indicates where the treasures are and where the final boss lies.
And of course, the Big Key, which can open the bosses door, and some times all other doors.
This of course is part of the fun of completing a dungeon, and finding all the treasures in it.
But I'm not here to talk about this marvelous game. I'm here to use this game pattern to talk about life.

In many ways, life isn't much different from completing a dungeon, or even an epic adventure.
Unfortunately for us, we don't have (as far as we know) a map that can give is the disposition of everything to come in our life. So we have to do it the hard way.
We each start our lives with a blank map. One that we fill with every experience. Each experience leads to others, revealing doors as we go through them, sometimes closing others. Sometimes we may find it easy to open a door, maybe we were prepared with a key, but this of course is not always true. Sometimes we have to complete a most difficult puzzle to bypass the closed door, or to reach the lever that opens it. To some these puzzles may seem trivial, while to others it is quite a challenge.
But even going through these doors, we still have no idea of where to go when we start. Some people might help us sharing knowledge of what is behind some doors so that we may enter more prepared or avoid it if desired, and at all possible. But still, where are all the treasures? Where is the last grand battle with the final boss?
Once again life fails to share with us a magical item that can point to all this. And more, we begin with no clue whatsoever of what is we are looking for.
But since we are on the hard path, might as well find these informations along the way. In every experience we can find pieces that we can put together to build our own compass, and so know what sort of treasures are we after, and where are the boss fights we have to go through in other to find our happiness. Some find soon what they want, some stumble upon the boss battles and sometimes even win the fight, without even looking for it.
In the end, we seek out the key to open that final door. For the final challenge.
The key that is not physical, but might still be found in any way that might allow you to reach your final goal.

The curious thing is that neither item is useful without the others.
A lonely map can show you how to move, but not the good places to go.
With just a compass you may know where you can to go, but not how to reach there.
And there is no good in reaching the final boss if you can't cross the door because you have no key.

And so we wander, gathering the pieces as we go.
Sometimes a little piece of treasure may show to us the location of the true treasure we are seeking.
We might see have to trail a path in the opposite direction of our treasure to find the missing piece, but eventually we may be lucky enough to see were happiness lies, before the path closes.
Heck, the trouble of finding the keys to go back in a path may lead you even farther away.

So it is usually better to search carefully every room. You never know if you will be able to back to that room.

2009-06-01T22:21:00.002-03:00

Clash of Styles
Life keeps pressing on. All the rush, all the pressures, no one can stop. At least not anymore.
You have to take the offensive. Try to create you path, find your place in society. You can embrace what life gives you, but it is frowned upon if you don't do anything with it.
Everyone demands much of others. Tries to control everything.
When did we become like this?
Or more importantly... why did we become like this?
I'm not like this.
I was born to observe, to be passive, to analyze and to foresee every movement, every outcome.
I was born to take a single action to make the ripples affect everyone in a carefully planned manner.
I find myself in this paradox, where I can't sit idle and let life go by, while it is not natural for me to take point in this world. Pushing, pressing, manipulating, climbing over people.
The future is there, written... but changing every instant. Actions, passive or not changing things.
Observe the glimpses and try to make the best path you can... in your own style.

2009-06-01T00:56:00.002-03:00

Time Sink
I've now found a new time sink.
And with it my time has decreased drastically. In inverse reason to the number of new games I purchase.
Steam's weekend deal's are too good an offer to pass. And so I experiment new games, and buy those I think will be nice.
I try to keep a good balance of things, but this is not helping.
But at least it is fun.
Especially when you get to play with friends.

Well, will try to find good words to keep posting here.

2009-05-26T02:31:00.002-03:00

First step is the worst.
As the week begins, all that I have planned seems to have fallen apart. At least concerning the plans for this monday.
With one more failure to go take the blood test, a day began, and I knew it was bad.
I tried to contact the doctor, and nothing. I tried to complain about my broken fridge and nothing.
And within the little time I had to complete my promise at work, suddenly all these paperwork appear for me to sign, I have to help others solve some problems, so I end up getting out of work late, hungry and a bit late to take my medicine.
But the best is for last right? I discover that the parking lot has lost my key, and I have to wait for 3 and a half hours til the locksmith comes, breaks the panel of the car to make a copy of the car key. And of course, I discover when I get home that the key does not lock the car, it only turns it on.
Seeing a monday like this really discourages the spirit for the rest of the week.
But of course, the worst seems to be over, so the week tends to get better. Or so the legend goes.
This is like most things in life.
Taking the first step, passing through the beginning is usually the most difficult part.
Guess in the end you just have to power through at the beginning and hope the rest is smooth sailing.

2009-05-15T18:38:00.002-03:00

We can no longer assist you.
What would happen, in any great RPG, if suddenly, in the chamber before the final boss, your team members turned to you and said "Sorry, we can't help you anymore, you are on your own."
Guess it can't be worse than going all the way to the princess, fighting off lots of monsters to then discover that she is happily living with her kidnapper.
"She told me once, before I left. No matter how much you have to face, or how well you enjoy your day, what really counts is whether you have a reason to wake up in the morning, or to keep on fighting.
...
She was right"
This service has been discontinued for lack of maintenance.

2009-04-29T22:54:00.002-03:00

Braid
When you become a game programmer, there is this frequent question you try to figure out.
"What makes a good game?"
From time to time there appears a game that is so mind blowing that it breaks out of every convention in creating good games.
That sort of game has this unique way of connecting to people.
Some connect by gameplay, with a game that reacts to the way they want and allowing them to do what they want.
Some go by story, enjoying plausible and very deep narrative, with consequences to players actions.
Sometimes we get superb character development, and either identify with a character, or sympathizes with the characters reasons/decisions.
In some other cases we get this connection by feeling deeply immerse in the world, feeling as if it were real, not because of realism, but from because of what it proposes to be, and is.
Jonathan Blow is a remarkable game programmer. He alone created a puzzle game that has this feature.
You sympathize for the main character, you feel satisfaction from completing the oftenly difficult puzzles, the sound and world are what you expect from the gameplay, and the game brings new ways of playing, while keeping you thinking in ways to solves the tasks to complete the game.
It was cute at first sight, and difficult, which alone is enough for my interest. But it is very mysterious, drawing you deep into it each time you play. It is sweet and romantic, at the same time as insightful and analytic.
It is a great game and I recommend to anyone who likes a challenging puzzle.
It is available for xbox360 and for PC. You can see a demo on steam.
It is simple... but incredible in epic proportions.

I wish more games were like this.

2009-04-26T20:23:00.002-03:00

Sunday Night Shift.
I came out of work around 19:00... It was sunday and four more days of work ahead before any good night sleep.
Things were getting more stressful in my project.
I walked up the dark street up to the parking lot to get my car.
I was already dark enough, and the street lights were dim, barely enabling a full sight of the street.
Walking toward my car I looked up to a nearby office building.
It struck me as odd, as almost all the windows were lit, as if it was a regular week day.
Do people always work on weekends?
Was it just that building?
Maybe it was pure coincidence... but at that moment it felt like a normal day of work in any week day, and I was not one of the few working late.

2009-04-25T19:22:00.002-03:00

Voice of freedom.
I'm all for justice, anyone who knows me knows this.
So I'm in favor of freedom of speech, and the internet serves that well.
But people forget that your freedom should end when it crosses the barrier into someone else's life.
I'm a silent reader. I read web comics, my discussion groups, among some other things, but as a silent reader I only comment or say anything when it becomes clearly relevant.
While I can ignore most inane comments in most places, I sometimes have to raise and join the band to say that the internet has in some ways gotten some people more dumb.
I can let the awful grammar slide, even though I should not.
I can look away from the pointless spamming just for the fun.
But it really gets under my skin when I go to newgrounds.com or youtube to watch something funny and for some reason end up reading the comments.
I do recognize there are some insightful comments, and some are at least a simple representation of one's opinion. But most of them... and I mean MOST of them, are pure babbling about how stupid some one is, or how they praise something REALLY stupid.
The need to say incongruent words, to curse needlessly, to criticize for the sake of saying something is the worse thing to happen to the internet.
Come on, didn't anyone else's mom say to them that if they don't have something useful to say that they should (jump off a bridge) shut up?
I keep hoping that people will realize this. XKCD put it in great perspective with this comic strip: http://xkcd.com/481/
I ask if the people behind this are 8 year old kids, or maybe someone that has REALLY nothing better to do with their lives than to try to demean others', or maybe it is someone with no intellect that feel superior by doing this. By searching for flaws in others and pointing, so that they never have to look to their own flaws.
This is something I like to tell.
When I was little, insulting someone 10 years older meant pummeling. Simple and hard. And we knew it, we respected older people, and they mostly left younger ones alone.
Nowadays you see a 8 years old insulting people as if he/she was the dictator of a country with a million man army behind him/her. I don't know if it is the way kids are raise, the game/TV/movies they come into contact, or if the social pressure in school has risen to the point where this is a mean of survival. All I know is that it is wrong.
You know that feeling of wanting to toss someone in front of a bus?
Humans will never learn to respect the unknown this way, because they don't fear the consequences anymore.
Pitiful.

2009-04-25T18:42:00.003-03:00

Time passed, time owned.
Time is one of the prime forces of the existence.
So it is no big surprise the amazing power it has. Especially when it comes to collect unpaid interests.
No I'm not talking about money here.
I know a wide range of different people, each with a sleeping characteristic. Some HAVE to sleep at least 8 hours, some need absolute silence and darkness, some get sleepier when they sleep more than 7 hours and some can sleep through any circumstance which is my case.
I've slept about 6 hours per day for as long as I care to remember. People have told me along the years that this life style would eventually catch up with me.
I was never a believer, but sometimes it does seem to be true.
We say that each body restores a certain amount of energy by sleeping some time. If you fail to meet your body requirements but still push on, someday you'll have to pay up. As a child, the weekend can be used to this end.
As a young adult your weekend is more busy than your weekday. So you have little time to pay up. Eventually the dept become to large for you to control and you end up facing some consequences.
For me it is interesting how I have much more trouble getting out of bed when I sleep a lot, but I can sustain a focused mind better after lunch.
Now when I sleep 6 hours only, I have more trouble focusing my mind, even though my body is still in perfect condition.
Time has a way to collect its interest. After all, it is a prime force.

2009-04-15T22:28:00.002-03:00

A Brief Moment
That most beautiful sound, echoed endlessly throughout the empty room to reach a lonely heart.

2009-04-06T23:46:00.002-03:00

Wandering
By the time you realize all that I said was true.
By the time you discover that I was away, in the streets, observing while you enjoyed your party.
By the time you notice I'm no more.
You'll see only but the shadow that I leave behind, in the dark corner of that room.
The same as everywhere I go.

2009-04-01T15:22:00.003-03:00

Reaction.
Who do you react when something really important to you is taken away?
When you REALLY like a job, but get fired over mass cuts due to economic problems?
Or when you lose a loved one, be it family, friend, or lover?

Humans react each in their own manner. Not something any one can analyze. But it is curious to think of how people react.
My said she dreamed her mother was dying. The despair she described as her reaction shows she would most likely fall apart to lose something so precious.
It got me thinking.
In the end, do we think about how other will take an event before we set it in motion?
I know we are that self involved. But hopefully people will be more thoughtful once they are aware of the harm.
As for things out of our control, well, we need to be prepared.

2009-04-01T13:53:00.002-03:00

Finally
After so much time...
after so many troubles...
countless worthless tries...
many moments where I wanted to fall apart...
after so much skip and wait...
after wake and go try again...
after the many blank times with no internet.
I've got an apartment.
One with MY name on the rent bill.
Even though I do not live alone (the complications of this are not mentioned on this post).
It is my place, and I have internet in it.
It is walking distance from work, even though I go by car.
It is reasonably cheap.
Though not well furnished, as I have little money to do so.
It has the essentials, fridge, stove, microwaves, washing machine and a bed for two in my room.
I just need a desk to keep my PC in my room.
So I should resume writing here as soon as my time stabilizes.

2009-03-13T20:31:00.002-03:00

All In One.
"... so the main difference would be her attention. Having such distinct and independent parts of her minding their own business leads to a multiple spec of attention.
- So one the down side she's never paying 100% attention. Or even so, one could overload her attentions and get a easy break. Even though it would be tricky. It still rather have my single focus mind.
- Oh but it is more subtle than that. While you think your mind is focused on only one thing, like most people's minds yours processes more things in the background, so you can react, think, and plan without wasting your concentration. But you are not aware of this. Not actively at least.
They looked at each other, she nodded in agreement. They drank a bit and ate part of their sandwiches before resuming.
- On the other hand, she is aware of that, and has trained to keep each one apart, with minimum interference of each other, leaving only a bit of communication within her, so that she might switch attention quickly and keep focused on each task at hand. It would be fairly naive to try to overload her, since that would require a fragmentation of power, once again less effective. But I guess it would still be the best solution.
- What do you mean?
- Well you see... one thing is really dangerous when someone has such a focused and trained mind. She may multitask most of the time, and that serves her well, but if anything would make every single part of her focus on the same thing at one time, she would be far more lethal, becoming a greater opponent than with less attention devoted, even if she became vulnerable to other events, she would be able to dispatch her main trouble so quickly that no other event could take place at the same time.
She kept a scared look, wandering through her glass, while picturing the terrible scene.
- Those kind of people should be dealt carefully, any such event that would trigger the cornered beast effect would be..."

2009-03-09T23:35:00.002-03:00

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 29 ~
"... sitting in a rock nearby the lake.
No one answered. The silence fell over, barely disrupted by the soft shuffling of armors as they looked at each other waiting for some words to come out.
She then asked again.
- Have you observed the fears of others? - She paused as they returned their attention to her - It is quite interesting how each individual has a set o fears and a way to deal with them. Some venture forth to overcome them. - She said pointing to a young man, who was feinting to jump from a high rock into the lake for some time, and finally took the courage to jump.
They turned to look, and some of them started to find a place to sit and let their gear off their shoulders.
- We all have some fear, with some odd exceptions. Some fear instability and won't let themselves be carried. Others can't hear bones cracking. Others take a busy path home, just to avoid feeling alone.
- But fear is a bad thing, right? - Inquired Pentisca kneeling by the lake.
- Right... and wrong. Being afraid is what prepares is to face something we consider horrible. Yet fear can freeze us, and render us weakened. Fears should be respected. One should understand their fears and learn to work alongside with it.
- That is not easy. - Said Maelstron calmly leaning on the rock beneath him.
- True. That is why we are here today. We are to learn an important lesson here. So each one of you should..."
~ End of Part 29 ~

2009-02-19T20:43:00.002-03:00

Downfall.
Its finally come to this.
I got this opportunity to break with the bonds of my past, so that I could form new bonds, in the hope of finding my place.
I only got to break some old bonds. Some remain as a fallback... because I couldn't form a new bond.
Interestingly I seem to have lost a very important bond.
And I guess in all my grieving I became a cold, sarcastic, snooty, horrible person.
Now I find that the people in my work don't like me. Just because I was liking going there and doing my job. I was feeling that I was producing something, that I was being productive.
Sweet delusions.
My boss said I was still a waste of money.
Now I find that I'm more lonely than before, with no one (nearly) to give me a support to go on.
Before me a road full of troubles and challenges, in a place I'm not entirely welcome, where I seem to be the worst employee.
I've failed in my life as a game programmer, as a friend, in romance and in family.
*deep breath*
Suddenly I question if breaking with the painful past is the way to better future.
I've sunk so low, I'm questioning whether I should quit this job before I cause more discomfort to others.
I need to get some money and disappear from this world.
It is interesting how I used to be quiet, always listening, and now I can't keep my mouth shut.
For what is worth, I'm sorry for all the bad things I did to anyone...
Maybe I'll find the strength to become a better person and avoid any unkind words.

I'm not the saint I wanted to be.

2009-02-07T00:00:00.003-02:00

Ground Control.
"Hey, you there, what do you think you are doing up there?! Get down here immediately!!!
Ha! This place is awesome, why would I go down?
Ok, you asked for it.
*Lot's of odd clunks and bonks with grunts of pain*
And don't you dare go up again!!!"

"Sometimes you just get caught up in all the excitement and forget your place.
People don't invite me to things.
Why in all heavens would I think I could become friends with her?
How blind am I if I can keep eluding myself of my wrongs by thinking I do nice things.
Now, I'm told I'm snooty. Now that is a lesson in humility.
I've become far more evil than I thought.
If you would read this, know that I think I should get out now, before I become a hazard to you or the others, but I can't simply bring myself to take this ultimate back step, while this path entrances me with fake promises of hope.
If I don't break free soon, I don't know if I'll last.
We take sometime to cry off our pains, and re-shackle our inner-most pains, so we can put on that fake smile everyone wants.
How long has it been since someone took me out?
Only 5 more years."

2009-02-03T00:03:00.000-02:00

Group Formation
People have tendencies far beyond their imagination.
We tend to group, to band.
We tend to do so many things, that some go unnoticed.
Have you ever paid attention to how you position yourself while in a moving group?
Each person, according to his own personality, tends to assume certain positions within a group while moving, lets say, on the street going to lunch.
So I can exemplify my point I shall illustrate with these pictures, in the assumption of a 5 people group.
I for one, have either one of two preferences to position myself, either as a leader, taking point, or in any leftward position of guard. In my case, leadership is natural, but only within my group and when I'm leading. Left wing is because my left side is my defensive side, stronger to absorb blows, but less precise.
Even though I associate positioning with aircraft formation, anything workd

First off, the arrow formation.
There are basically 3 places to position in this case. The other two are symmetric. You can either be the leader, taking up front, the inside protection, or the outside wing.Pentagon Formation.
This is very common within five people group, as it maintains the generally equal distance among opposites. Assuming basic orientation, it goes much like the arrow, with the difference that there is no outside wings, and no we have back positions. If oriented downward (that is, with two people in front of the group) we get left and right leaders, left and right wings, and back row shield.

Bat Formation. (in the lack of a better name)
Mostly this is an intermediate formation between reverse-pentagon and arrow. The roles are much like pentagon formation, except that the back row shield now is a center back shield. Arrow Tip Formation.
A variation of the arrow formation, with the outside wings assuming left and right back wings. This way they protect each other, and share defense over the sides with the, now, left and right front wings, leaving them more prepared to defend the back. Cross Formation.
This unusual formation is rarely static. It usually is a hybrid of orbital satellites. While in this we have a center person, either a weak one to be protected, or the center in which everything revolves. The other four, may take a plus sign formation, with each one protecting a side, a X formation, which usually functions the same way, but with the responsibility for the main facings divided among the nearest two, or, most commonly, they can keep dynamically revolving over the center.

These are just some examples.
Most people, just fall under a part of the formation as a natural thing, either because they prefer to follow from behind, walk without anyone in front, or talk with someone at their own pace. No one pays much attention, and I stress that making an effort to position yourself in a specific place is a sign of OCD, so watch out. This is something that you should not do on purpose, rather just go with the flow of the group.

2009-01-25T20:03:00.002-02:00

Status Attraction
People, all, have attributes that are better developed than others.
Some are wiser, or more intelligent or even stronger.
In general, each one has a main status that dictates importance. And we mostly search for someone who has a higher score in our main status.
Why is this?
We usually excel in what we consider to be best, it is unusual to find someone who is such a devotee of intelligence saying that people should be strong and not intelligent. And when we try to find someone to like, we want this person to be the best available, the best for US.
As an example. Take this social girl, all focused on looks and charisma. Usually in this example the girl would never be seen with someone who is a social outcast. To her, not being social is worse thing you can do as being.
As with me, even thought I have a history of defending well balanced status, I have a primary status in this life. I have a very nice wisdom score. I do have also a good intelligence, and reasonable dexterity, but all else are below average. To me, someone who is not intelligent, is someone hard to live with, and someone without wisdom and common sense in unbearable.
There is a reason why most time people marry someone from work, or an old friend. It is because through time, only those you respect are worth your effort, and those are the ones with your preferred status.

2009-01-15T20:53:00.002-02:00

The End of Luck
Since I was a child, I've considered myself to be lucky.
I don't know where it came from.
Maybe it was the games that I won, or maybe the way I roll dice.
Along with this, there was the legend, of those who were much more luckier, when around me, at the same time making me unlucky.
But I've been playing and saying that I have a basic bonus to all that is based on random chance.
Now, in the face of the recent events I can't say this anymore.
Since the year began, I've lost nearly all games I played, lost most opportunities to play the games that I wanted, had two orders stuck in customs, with a highly abusive tax over them (these were all of the games I ordered for me, those I got for others did not stop at customs), and of course, my car was stolen.
Only two weeks into the year, and I just know it will suck.
And now I'm in a new city, with a new job, that does not pay too much. And everything is just going to be hard.
I keep saying to myself, "I used to be a fighter.". I did. I tried not to let these kind of things get to me. But life took its toll.
In short, I have no fucking idea where it went, but I definitely have no more luck, not even to take a bus to a movie on time.

2009-01-13T22:00:00.002-02:00

Change of Subject...
I was gonna say something different today, seeing that I was having some good time at work, but as usual, life makes a sudden change of subject.

Then I shall only say.

My car was stolen. Two days into work. Less than 15 days in my hands of the last 5 months, including the day I got it, and the accident.

2009-01-05T22:16:00.002-02:00

The new year.
365 days we go through every year (give or take)
As you go old, each day/week/month seems to go by faster.
And with time passing faster, changes come every more often.
We may fight it, but we can't change it. We can barely avoid some of the worst changes.
It seems like yesterday. I had a terrible accident.
It's been 4 months.
I also changed jobs.
And with the new job, I'm going to another city.
I started wearing glasses.
It has been too much.
I took a time off, going to my aunt's country house. It was nice. But not perfect.
This new year has not started well.
And as dealing with some people has become a sad reminder of a past that shall be my future, and my parents have been demanding a lot from me, I feel really tired.
I want to get away.
I want to break free from my past.
Sometimes I think the only way I have to regain the lost part of my soul is to get away from everything from my past. Start fresh from scratch.
Of course, it would be a great sacrifice, one that I technically don't want to do, after all there is too much to lose, and no guarantee that something will be gained.
But I'm more than tired of walking alone. Of feeling inferior to others, because I don't excel at anything.
Most importantly, I miss that feeling of having someone to waste time with, someone that I don't want to do anything, just be together and waste time.
I'll miss those long talks on the bed/sofa and the random bursts of music that bonds. And I'll forever be grateful for that marvelous song you introduced me to.
But I must go. I've been slowly becoming evil, exactly the sort of person I dislike. The one that needs attention, that thinks of the reward of being nice to someone else. I hate wanting someone that goes through some effort for me. I probably hate this more because no one...
Maybe someday I'll go back to being a person dedicated to make others smile, just happy to see them smile.
To bad I'll never gain that smile back.
Either way, I'm trying to put the last of my strengths to becoming the best at my job.
I'll try to post more when I'm settled with internet at my new home.
And hopefully I'll get to live alone for time enough to relax.

2008-12-11T23:59:00.002-02:00

Shaken to the Core
I'm to say, I'm always impressed by how unstable, weak, I am.
Most people are, I believe.
It only takes the right amount of words at the right time to throw someone off track.
Of course I may fall easier... after all, I can see the ripples. I see meaning where others see not. I see intentions where only words stand.
Everyday, every decision I plan to make, is followed by a flash. Think of it like this.
You're standing in the middle of a forest, and it is reasonably dark. There are four trails to follow from where you are. Each time you look into a direction, you see a vision as if you chose that way, and were going at a very high speed, with the trees in the path passing really fast. You can't make details of the path, but you can see some of the dangers, some of the challenges.
That is the main feeling of a ripple. When you make a decision, that wave of consequences that leaves you passes all around, changing things.
People like me can sense ripples. I could always tell when something odd was about to happen. I felt the ripple before the event. Now I'm not in the shape to do this.
But I still get shaken by some simple words, and glimpse through the ripples of these words, and follow the trail of meanings and consequences of this sentence, only to be reminded that in the end...
It is strange how we weave shreds of hope. Where we find reason to go on.
It is equally odd, to see a small shred being ripped from you, like a patch on a farmers pants being ripped away.
I know not what is sadder. To have lost, or not feeling too sad about the loss.
It was one of the few shreds I had left.
All because of one sentence.
Maybe I should stop looking into the meaning of things...

2008-11-26T19:19:00.002-02:00

Chances
I could hear that sound: "tu-tum", followed by the sound of chains grinding against each other.
Something held back.
Hesitation?
I pushed forward. The sound faded. Or I grew used to it.
Something moved. It did little but to shift sideways, enough for me to feel its presence.
Hope?
The path followed a long way before it came to a trisection.
There was a decision to be made, and not much time about it.
How to decide, when they all seem so different and lead to unknown futures?
It all comes to chance in the end.
We try to analyze the status, I for one usually trail only those with high status, we think about the consequences in the other paths and sometimes we give it to random chance.
I had only one high status path, but it lead towards a road I knew would be a dead end, if it didn't change along the way. And as though it would be a fun path, it did not seem to lead to a good outcome.
The other two were reasonably new, even though I had passed near one of them in the past. None showed much promise and they didn't meet the basic expectations I usually have.
But I took the chance, and went for the most clear, accessible and with high gamble way.
I may regret along the way not having chosen another path, but I would regret it the same anyway. Maybe this will turn for the best.
Contradiction?
But I still believe the path for me lies beyond that huge blanket of water.

2008-11-23T23:02:00.002-02:00

Paths
It is around my birthday that I become uncomfortable.
It is the defined time of the year that I become anxious. It's been like this for 110 years now.
Mostly to me it is a reminder of things that are not.
But it's also usually a time of weird things happening.
I'm facing paths.
Weird and unbalanced ones.
Unstable and without promises.
Either way I go, doesn't seem to change much for me. Some seem to lead to enjoyable moments, that may be followed by some regret and pain, while others lead a more familiar and bland path.
It is always the simple gestures that get me.
A kiss, some kind words, or even the slight gift of hope.
Company is usually appreciated, but less important since it is a reflection of a custom in our society.
In the end, I'm left lonely, with a lot to think about. And each day less time to either think of enjoy the stuff I like.
But maintenance must be done... and with it, I must choose paths and products that will result in a better road.
At least I don't put hope in finding a good road anymore. After all, there is now less than 6 years.

2008-11-13T01:50:00.003-02:00

Shut Up!!!
Have you ever felt the quiet and unsatisfied urge to raise from your desk and yell "shut up" to someone who was saying something completely, mindbogglingly stupid?
I am proud of knowledge, and arrogant about my attitude. I say this now, because of what I'm gonna tell.
I recently joined this course about computer animation applied to games. The first part of the course encompasses art concepts, drawing, perspective and such things. The classes consist of series of exercises about drawing. And it is not something very serious, so most of the time there are people conversing, be it about the concepts seen in class, asking the teacher about something or plain talking nonsense with a friend.
I remain silent most of the time, placing a witty comment here and there where it seems fit to apply. I prefer the role of observer, as I stated many times, and so I hear what others say, all while trying to make use of the little artistic skill I have.
I first was in the saturday night class. I had an acquaintance there, and people were nice. But sometimes the things I had to hear were just too much for me. Those people are very strong minded, showing opinions without knowledge, or with biased facts. Not to mention, inappropriate topics, such as discussing hentai. Heck, I don't mind it, but there is a place and time to talk about it, and doing so publicaly is not appropriate with people you don't know. I could not restrain myself from thinking "what the hell, I'm I surrounded by 14 year olds?".
Maybe I'm being too uptight. Still, I managed to keep silent.
I changed to the tuesday/thursday class so I could free my saturday, which has proven to be more than precious to me.
This is a change I came to regret. Though I will not change back, there were some inconveniances about it. The first and offtopic was the train is extremely crowded all the way.
But continuing, I've seen one class only in the new group. New people, new talks. Unfortunaly far more stupid topics.
Come on, it has been some time since I've heard this level of stupidity. At one point I really considered getting up and shouting "shut up you ignorant twerp". There seem to be a group of old friends who wouldn't be silent for even a minute. I'd venture to say the brain age of the group was near 10 years old. While the group seemed older, between 15 and 20, their words clearly did not mach their bodies.
The irony of it all. The "leader" of the group, was the one who had a girlfriend there. A beautiful one to. It's not only that I can't get up and yell "shut up", or that I "HAVE" to listen to all the crap, but in the end I don't even get to say that he won't get laid so soon.
I wonder if people are becoming more stupid, I'm becoming more demanding about people and/or I ventured into this weird place of low intellect.

2008-11-07T01:26:00.003-02:00

Rocknrolla
This is a great movie.
Really well put together.
The music fits it like a glove.
And the ending is great.
Expectation build up is good.
And the intro music - "I'm a man" from Black Strobe - just won't leave my head. I just want to hear more of it.
If you're not into the type of movie, at least search the music on youtube and see if you like it.

2008-11-02T23:09:00.002-02:00

The firefly night.
They say it takes a catastrophe to make us appreciate something in our lives.
I never disagreed but this last one was rather unusual.
There I was surfing the net, and watching the last two laps of the F1 race, when suddenly this lightning strikes in the middle of the rain and blackouts the whole region.
Ok I didn't see the last laps, but heard on the radio the results. Unimportant. After some time and a nap, it was already night and no prospect of getting the lights back.
My parents had things to do, and I much preferred to have something electronic to play with. But nothing. Eventually we hear a strange sound in the street and hoping it had something to do with the repair guys I went outside to see if there was one of those spinning lights from an official car.
It was pitch black. The clouds covered the sky, no lights in some good distance.
That is when I saw. There were an incredible amount of fireflies blinking in my yard, all of them hoping to find a mate. But to me, it was all a light show.
Go fireflies, I hope you find your partners, or whatever the hell works for you.

2008-10-26T12:42:00.002-02:00

Poetry
I've been looking into some old poetry.
I was once good at it.
I could rhyme.
Put feeling in a harmonious way.
And say beautiful things to someone.
What makes me sad, is to think that I haven't written any poetry in years. That that part of me is dead, or at least in deep slumber.
I miss those old days.

2008-10-21T00:30:00.002-02:00

Tired
Lately I've been too tired to come and post something worthy here.
I just don't feel like looking around for something anymore.
I can only go forward by ignoring what I'm doing and why.
All seems so futile.
Now I only remain tired.
Well no point hanging here, off to the showers and then to bed.

2008-10-17T00:05:00.002-03:00

Not Average
I believe in something more.
That is not very new.
I just can't accept that humans are just that. That this world sucks the way it does, and there is no hope of something mystical and interesting for us to discover. There has to be some variable that general sciences forgot to take into consideration.
But that is not the point.
I find that while I lack any explicit power, I have my own set of "powers" the while not so palpable still mark me as not average.
My own perception, about things, people and surroundings is very strong. And so I keep an eye for any person that is out of the average.
Recently I've seen two worthy of mentioning. I still wonder whether they knew about themselves or even about me, but I left quietly, just wondering.
The bus stop brings many different people. It is easy to find someone that get your attention. But this girl had something different. Something nearly invisible. A thin thread. One that extended from her and went lost into the crowd. For some time it seemed to come in my direction, but it changed courses as soon as I noticed it. The thread kept strong with the girl who after some time was moving through the crowd outwards to see if her bus was coming. Interesting how 20 people failed to notice the thread among them, and I sat there far away, just watching the thread to see what it was doing. Of course, I was limited to seeing it whenever the sun reflected in it. At all other times it was completely invisible.
I take the train a lot, during this last month. But I've taken the subway very few times. There are always good and bad things about this. But when it comes to people, both are about the same as in quantity, but only one had this man.
I was going to meet with my friends, so I took the subway, fastest way, and free connection with the train I was already in. When I got to the station, I went underground, and took a right to go to one end of the subway. I've seen many strange things, like people kicking the air, but this guy really got me. It was a brief moment, he was standing the way super heroes pose in stories, head forward, a bit upward, hands in his waist, one leg a bit higher and bent, the other straight. He wore a white coat, like a doctor, or a scientist. Even with no subway passing, his coat fluttered in the wind. I could feel his presence, he stood out. Not many have this aura.
It seems ordinary.
But these things you can only feel.
I can't say it is about faith, but it my faith and that is all that matters to me.

2008-10-09T23:03:00.002-03:00

With a little help from my friends.
This song has been haunting me for some time now since the accident.
I have a wonderful remix of it, the kind that makes you jump through the streets wanting to sing it, like in a movie or musical.
Most people know this song from The Beetles, written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney.
It is overall a great song, but I'll focus on one sentence here.
"I get by with a little help from my friends."
This is something really nice to say.
Most people can.
It is interesting how this can be perceived. I went for the more literal interpretation, as in friends actively helping, being nice, doing favors and planning things for you. There was an approach I didn't contemplate about this sentence. Little help, in the REALLY little meaning, can mean the case in which your friends play the role of plain distraction. And I don't mean distraction in an insulting manner.
We need distractions, because our life is a toad. The more we get, the sooner we get to a new place, with new perspectives. So it works as having a nice enough time to go on another day.
We get a distraction to gamble another day.
It is in fact accurate to the song, but a little frustrating if you ask me.
Still in this world, where I barely see the people I like, and I have one distraction that is important with my friends, and I play tabletop games with my boss, that despite the differences is becoming a nice friend, giving advice, and seemingly taking an interest in my life.
Things are weird.
Then again... I'm in no condition to expect more from life.

2008-10-02T23:24:00.002-03:00

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 28 ~
"Yesterday I've visited the kingdom of Altenac. It is famous for the science it develops, and a good use of new technologies.
The city had a very interesting layout, though I prefer the more classic kingdoms. One thing struck me as interesting.
I know we all come from different backgrounds, and while I'm a traveling spiritualist, I don't expect people to be all in tune with their spirits. By all means. But these people, strong in spirit or not, they don't seem to have any perception at all about their surroundings.
People from all kinds of places walking hastily through the city, all minding their own affairs. But this was all too quick, no one stopped to greet one another, or even look around.
There I was, walking the street, calmly one step after the other, everyone passing by. No one noticed me, but a few kids who bumped into me at a corner. I'm used to not being noticed, but while I was not, I did notice everyone.
The sir in blue overcoat did not notice the paint almost falling on him from the support at the stair he passed under. The lady in the yellow dress did not notice she nearly bumped into the swordsman carrying a set of new swords, all pointing out. The man in a lab coat was walking and reading a news journal, he didn't even bother to look at the beautiful young girl, with less than usual clothes carving on a wooden side in the middle of the sidewalk. In fact, no one but her boss seemed to notice her. And she did not notice the orlagus walking towards her with wet intentions.
People walk around, oblivious to what happens around them, they ignore other people. It is a weird world this one. I have much to see. I hope my business here does not take long, so I can leave before I become lost like them.
It is still good to feel everyone near me. Thought these troubling times have taken away the fun in feeling their emotions. Specially in this cold town.
~ End of Part 28 ~

2008-09-26T00:21:00.003-03:00

Forbidden Excitement
Yey, ranting month. How I hate this, but at least the month is almost over.
This last month has been a constant reminder that I can't get what I want.
False, that is not entirely true. I just can't get anything that is just important enough to make me excited about it.
I'll dispense some examples, trying to enumerate all that has come and gone in the course of about 25 days or so.
For some time I had been thinking about getting a new car, and saving some money for it. Suddenly (not without warning) my parents get me a new car, close enough to what I would buy. I was enjoying it very much, being very careful with it, and planning the new car sound system. Then came the accident, and with it the destruction of the car. It was so new, I didn't even have time to take it to place the tracker for the insurance company (which I was going to do the next day).
My best friend spent a whole year in Switzerland working on the construction of the Large Hadron Collider, and after so much time he was coming back and I could see him. Of course I was excited, I was thinking about all the games we would play, how he would join the rpg group again. Unfortunately for me, he came the same fatted day of the accident, so I could not go and greet him at the airport, as planned.
I got in touch with some people from a company that developed games. I was very hopeful I could get a minimally decent sallary from them and finally go to work with something I like. turns out I would gain almost the same as the intern sallary, but would have the expenses of living in another city.
For those who know me, I've showed that I don't care much for fancy cellphones. The proof of it is that I have a 6 years old celular, that has no games, no basic visual interface where one could put a wallpaper, it can't take pictures, it doesn't have alarm, you get the picture. I rant a lot saying the phones should do what they are meant to do well. They should call from everywhere, should be able to send text messages and some basic features such as alarms are more than welcome. But everything else is just uneccessary fancyness, that does very little for the owner. No, the pictures will never be as beautiful, it will never store as much mp3, or will have good games as will the respective dedicated devices. The only point anyone has in this is that they now do everything, but with inferior quality. So ok, back to the point. Finally for many circunstances I've been persuaded to buy a new celular. At first I wasn't very happy about it, but seeing a simple model, that could play mp3s as ringtones (the main attraction for me), I was starting to get happy with the idea, thinking about calling my friends without fear of wasting money, and things like this. But two times I went to the store, only to leave empty handed because I didnt have enough documents to set things up. Ironically enough, this is the same service provider my current cellphone uses. I was just trying to go from prepaid, to a postpaid service, and exchange the phone for a new one according to their offers, but keeping the same number.
For two times already, in the two weeks I've been on the new job, I've been programming enthusiatically, finally enjoying a bit of what I do, when I bump into a problem, a bug. But not just any bug, one that makes me lose about 10 hours of work, and have to redo most of what I did. And this only happens when I'm having fun.
Last, and least important. There is this girl on the building where I work. I've asked if we could have lunch together someday, and she smillingly said yes. Eventually we agreed, not firmly I believe, on a day. The day began very nice, I don't think very often that the day seems like a good day. The wheather was nice, there was sun shinning, the train was considerably empty, and all was well. Well, that was it for nice. The rest we spiralling to a sucky day, work was going awfull, she declined the lunch, weather turning bad. You know, I don't expect her to be interested in me, I'd only like to have a nice lunch with someone nice. If she doesn't want to associate with me, fine, say it to my face. But after some days of nice and simple small talk, the day I'm excited about having lunch with someone potentially interesting, is the day she doesn't seem to be interested in giving me any attention.

Full rant written. But there is also the analisys.
Like I said, the chances of me getting something, even the satisfaction from it, is inversely proportional to the excitement I'm feeling about it.
The last girl I was exited about being with brokeup with me before I could celebrate we being together.
The last ending I saw of a game that I had great hopes for turned out to be one of the worst endings I've ever seen.
When I got into the singing class at USP, I got kicked out of the quire because I didn't have the skill needed. Not something unfair, just one more thing that failed when I was into it.
Even in the Smash Brothers Brawl championships I go, whenever I'm exited I just go worse. The one I won, I was so apathic about it that I barely celebrated.
Heck I'd like to find a counter example but it has been so long since I've gotten a good output from something I had high expectations that I can't even track back that far.
Last time I felt this was about 12 years ago when I bought this video game, but since I was in the US I could not play it for the next two weeks of the vacation, so I had to keep reading the game's manual. The thing was so mesmerizing that after a few days I was actually feeling like going back home earlier, because I wanted to play the game, and the trip seemed less interesting. For my luck, the game turned out to be better, and to this day I consider it the best game I have ever played.

It is incredibly costing to live a life where your hopes are crushed without chance. Where you'd better have a life without hope, because only then things turn out better. It is hard.
And I am too damn tired to do it.
I'm really considering taking a timeoff this world. Not the job since I can't take a vacation or anything yet, but from my world. Isolate myself in a caccon of games, food and internet, until I heal a bit... let's see what I shall do.

2008-09-22T23:15:00.002-03:00

Staring
- I find myself looking into my past.
- How so?
- I look into the ripples from my past, sense them, observe them.
- Things that happened and changed your life?
- Things, objects. You pick up a piece from your past. Be it abstract as a song, or solid as ring. It is a direct link to your past. You only need to cross the wall dividing mere memory, from a piece of life.
- Sounds difficult. Isn't it dangerous?
- Of course. One's past is always dangerous, but just as much as one's future. The difference is that you can't walk into the other way.
- Why do you stare?
- ...
- ...
- ...
- ... wh...
- Because it holds the only clues I have to find what I've lost. To understand my choices. To pass the time until a better present comes. There are too many reasons to stare. The only thing that makes me look forward is a mixture of fear and repulsion.

2008-09-21T23:44:00.002-03:00

The Life is a Toad
So, one day I'm the proud owner of a new car, had the house to myself, was enrolled in a japanese course, going to a free training in Photoshop & Maya, had the perspective of getting a job in the area I wanted.
Suddenly, I'm walking about a mile to get to the train to got to work, not enrolled in the japanese course, not going to the training, and stuck for some months on a job that is quite dull and mindless, not in the area I like, for the next 4 months or so.
No, I did not hit the twilight button or something.
This is all simple reverberations from the accident. I'm still getting used to the new life, considering it all changed in about a week or so.
Last week was really random, some days I had a lift from my boss, other my dad took me shopping for some basic things I would need, like social clothing (ha... imagine me using a social pants and shirt to go to work. Almost seems like a nightmare.), food and to take care of some insurance problems.
I've been throwing around the "I've been in an life changing accident." lately. Not to get sympathy, as this does not seem to strike sympathy. But more to get people to think more before they complain about things.
People from all the places still come to me and say the know people who have brain problems like mine, and that they live under medication, but live a normal life. My parents also keep saying I'll live a normal life. Little they are able to realize that I haven't lived a normal life in quite some time now, and now I'm a lot farther from it. Where did human kind go that saying others are worse than you should make you feel better? Come on, if I'd think that meant something I could always think about african cities that live under wars, people starve, and have to work 16 hours a day from 7 years old, just to make it alive.
The irony, is that some of those people are far happier than me. Not because I am ungrateful, but because happiness varies from person to person. And my life has taken me down a road that is hopeless, in the lack of a better word.
My boss tells me the things he has to organize in order to get some business, how he works on the weekends to keep a contact with a possible contract for us to work. He tells me about the taxes we pay.
In the end he shows the simple things, which I've come to realize a long time ago, but accomplishing has been more than hard, while life sucks, all you can do is enjoy the things you like, because next week it all starts again. He said: "The life is a toad." in a literal and accurate translation. And I find it a perfect description.
This life we are forced to life is more than ugly. Poisonous sometimes. It gets by with weird hops, slimming its way from here to there. But from time to time we find a special gift to make it seem more fun and happy.
There is no way to predict the future. That is what most believe.
Maybe you'll win the lottery next week.
The only thing to do is keep on going. It is either that, or die.
Why worry about life. It is all random chance.
So take your odds. Gamble a bit every now and then. Maybe luck will shine your way.

2008-09-11T20:24:00.000-03:00

The Value of a Second
An hour has 3600 seconds. We have 24 hours in our day.
This may seem like a lot of seconds.
A second may seem like such a small fragment of time. And that is why everyone takes it for granted.
But people tend to forget that most important things happen in a split second.
The second has a special property of stretching when appropriate.
You've seen this. Just think back.
That second during a deep breath before making a life changing decision. The instant you gaze upon your love's eyes right before you confess your feelings. The second of the first kiss. The moment you jump to intercept a bullet for someone special.
A second can mean the difference between life and death. You can leave early and avoid a car accident, or be just in time to become part of it.
Every single event in your life is ruled by the seconds leading to it. Either that yellow light you choose to cross, or extra time you take in the morning to wake up.
It is easy to waste a second, but one should learn to enjoy those precious seconds, because you never know when a second will stop your life short, or when that special moment will end. Enjoy those seconds to their fullest. Don't complain about not having more time, because you have just enough, you just keep forgetting.
Everyone forgets.

2008-09-07T13:27:00.002-03:00

Impairment
I've avoided it my whole life.
I've lied about it.
I've found ways to circumvent this problem.
But life let me live in peace for too long.
This friday I was in an accident. I had a convulsion, hit the car in front of me, and hit a lamp pole a few meters back.
You see, I have a condition, and even though I take my medicine everyday without fault, my body sometimes has these episodes.
Physically I am fine. The only thing that hurts is my tongue. But since when do I care about the body's condition?!
The thing is, now that even under medication, I had an accident in my car, I'll probably won't be able to drive ever again. I like to drive. And... and I'd just gotten a new car from my parents 8 days prior to the episode.
Now, I face a severely sadder future. I won't have the freedom to have a car and move around. I have no idea how this will affect my future jobs.
Most of the time I think I should not have survived the accident. Things would be easier.
I can't stand people coming to me and trying to convince me that I'm normal, that a huge percentage of the population has the same problems as me.
I guess no one has any idea how this affects me.
And all to think that I've done my best to be a good person. Helpful, caring. In the end, there is no justice in the world. At least not in my life.

2008-08-07T20:05:00.002-03:00

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 27 ~
"... so why exactly didn't you kill them?
- What is the problem with not killing, you should be more worried if I were out there killing without need.
She look directly at him, one eyebrow up, the other down. Clearly annoyed by that.
- You know I didn't mean it as a bad thing. But since we are at it, my problem is that, despite the fact the killing is far more easy than capturing, what worries me is that we were in danger, nearly being killed, just so we didn't kill them. I don't think it is worth all the trouble, but you seem to have a reason. So I'm asking you to share it.
- I promised myself I wouldn't kill anymore. - A silent moment as he look down to his open hand - I've killed my share already, I don't want to kill without need, and as hard as it may have been, we didn't need to kill anyone today.
He made no effort to hide his sorrow. She noticed it, but she wouldn't understand the magnitude of his sorrow, until much latter.
- We've all got our share of deaths hanging on our heads, and from what we've seen, we are headed to more bloodshed. But you of all people shouldn't be so shaken about the deaths you've caused, specially when the matter is putting a loved one's live at risk.
- You wouldn't understand! - He said raising his voice a bit, and making it more deep. - You never had to face every death you've cause in the eyes, and feel their pain.
She leaned backwards, surprised by his distress. This was not as simple as she first thought, but she got more curious now, about the friendly figure, with the uncharted past, showing off anger, as she never seen he do.
He was right. She didn't know about that kind pain, but she had her own torments, and she didn't want to have his torments causing more pain to the group. She had to pry.
- So what happened to you? I'd like to try and understand if you will let me. Last time I saw you, you didn't have this burden on you.
He sighted.
- Well, when I left on my journey I traveled to lots of different places. After sometime I took the role of hunter, both for bounties, and for treasures. This of course leads you everywhere, and you have to face the most dangerous situations. While I was beginning I did not have the power to capture my bounties without facing some deadly fights, of course most of the time my stealth and agility kept me at bay from danger, but sometimes no stealth can avoid a fight against a strong prey. Even when some of the treasures I found were heavily surrounded by animals and monsters of all sorts, it is difficult to raid without notice. Until I got more power, I had to kill most who threatened my life.
- Self defense, it's natural, you have nothing to blame.
He tightened his muscles for a second. At this point he was annoyed to hear that so many times. He relaxed, as her comment was more than innocent, and as he did he wove his hand drawing upon the power of the shadows to project some image.
- Even when self defense takes place, it is still no reason to kill an innocent being. I didn't know it then. And my crimes went unpunished. Until went for the bounty on this man.
An image appeared from the shadows, it was a silhouette of a not too old man. Low beard, darkish hair, blue eyes, and a fairly tanned skin.
- I went on the request of the king, who had accused him of treason, and developing secret arts against the helm. I passed through his minions, never stopping to count the bodies, I wanted to be swift, and take him before more harm could be done. But I ignored that a master of secret arts would have a very strong power.
The image changed to a statue of a lady holding a scale crossed by a sword.
- "Soul balance, call of judgment" is what he called it, possibly one of the most powerful summoning spells I've seen. It called forth the Keeper of souls, as he presented himself. This entity, along with others of it's species, are responsible for guarding the souls of those who died early, until either the planet is ready for them to return, or until they get resurrected. But he is driven by the souls he carries, seeking revenge on those who killed the souls. The spell was designed to bring this Keeper, so that he would give back the pain that one caused, in the case of the summoning, both the caster and the target, my pray and me.
The image in his hands showed a small girl, covered mostly by a blue robe, dragging in the ground. Only her head and right hand were uncovered, she had very dark straight red hair, and black eyes. On her hand a bird cage, were she held the souls she guarded.
- The fact, is that despite the whole distress and danger he had caused, he killed very little people. Differently from me. I had for a second to feel all the pain I had caused. Those who died for a good reason hurt less, but every innocent monster, which I killed while hinting for treasure, and the few people who were innocently killed by my hand, were...
~ End of Part 27 ~

2008-08-06T01:09:00.003-03:00

The sleeping corpse.
Just another day at work.
The weather is out of control these days. Currently the air seems cold, from both the chilly night and the winter air the roams around. And following winter tradition, air is very dry, so no clouds in the sky, only the strong, warming sun.
I'd just gotten to the office from lunch. I walk to my desk, thinking about what should I do to solve my problem, when I glance out the window, just inspecting the landscape and the sunny day. Keep in mind that I work at the second floor (also top floor) of a building that sits on one of the highest grounds on the region, my window faces directly the low part, so you can see far away.
Also, I work in a restricted area, inside a complex, so he is not a hobo. And he also wears something that resembles the cleaning staff uniform.
But you don't have to look far away to take things out of the ordinary, because just low out my window, on a path that would seem to lead from the back of my building to some weird other building a about 25 meters away, on ground, next to a rock the size of a big human head, a human lay down on the ground, perfectly still.
Yes, on the ground rock, in the middle of the path, under the hot-ish sun, facing down and very quite.
Well, what to say, I point out the window, call the attention of my coworkers and say, "Hey a dead body.". They laugh, my joke was well taken, no one seems worried. I o the same routine with my boss, he laughs a bit, and I return to my desk.
The joke to me had ended there, I made a witty comment about the man unusually sleeping in the middle of the road and in the sun, so I think of leaving him to his business and try to return to mine.
But interestingly the joke doesn't fade so easily. People seem to turn back to him from moments to moments and keep up the small jokes and fun around the office. And as the guy does not wake up, we start with more jokes, about the end of days, or zombie movies and such, till someone notices, near the other building, behind the tree, there are two more people laying down.
At some point we notice the people in office one floor under us seems to have noticed the guy on the path. They yell something trying to wake him. No apparent effect.
Someone in our office points that he saw the body move a bit. We take the chance to make more jokes.
I'm switching between work and the guy, so eventually I notice that he really did move his legs.
So I let the joke die. Until someone starts to walk on a higher level path, as to get closer to the body and start to call for his attention.
Of course eventually the flips over his head, looking to his inquisitor, and they talk for some time.
We knew the guy was just sleeping.
But come on, it is pretty weird to see a guy, sleeping in the ground, under the sun, near a rock bigger than his head. Good laughs.

2008-08-02T16:58:00.002-03:00

Maintenance.
Yeah, I've been neglecting the blog.
I had some troubles getting my hours straight since I had a new computer to install.
So today I'm doing full scale maintenance. Deleting doubled mp3, mp3 that I don't like, filing every song into it's appropriate folder. I'll be doing this this weekend.
It is fun to see some old and forgotten things.
I hope I can do it all in two days.

When I finish I'll probably have more time, so I can resume a more regular posting.
Until then...

2008-07-15T23:59:00.002-03:00

A New Step
Time passes.
People go on forward.
Birds migrate.
New people are born.
And finally...
FINALLY!!!
I graduate from college.
Of course my diploma hasn't come out yet. But at least I don't have to study anymore. No more worries, no more late studies.
Now I get to come home and do whatever I want.
And as I said, I'm trying to catch up on things that are important to me.
But these two last weeks have been a little busy, with going out, and preparing for the championship tomorrow.
Well, back to training.

2008-07-06T12:28:00.003-03:00

A Shaking Message
It is impressive how humans can be so shaken by something so simple.
Maybe it is just me then... who knows.
I got this message, pretty simple, nothing forward. But for some reason I'm captivated, mesmerized. I want to know who sent it.
I was already leaving when I got it, so I left.
But part of my mind stay behind.
I should have at least answered it, or maybe stayed a while to see who sent it.
After my evening plans, as I was heading home, I kept thinking I should have went back, to see if the sender was still there.
But I went home.
How can this unimportant event bestow such regret on me? After all, it meant nothing, and nothing has changed for me. So why do I care so much?
I guess this goes for everyone.
I guess that deep down, when we feel like this, it is because we know that there could have been a great outcome. We know that we rejected not a single event, but a potentially huge opportunity.
I can believe that part of us, the uncharted, spirit linked, unconscious part knows what is best. Before any other relevant piece of information is brought into the picture. We know that going left is better than right, even when we don't know what is on each side, but we have the natural ability to choose a different path. But very often we feel that we should have done things the other way around, like we felt like, but we listen to logic, which clouds the mind against this precognition we have. But this is what I believe, and of course, it isn't easy to follow your instincts, even when you believe in them.
But still, I'm impressed how much I'm hung up on this.
Maybe next time, I'll stick around to see what my future holds. After all every one should do one thing, every day, that scares them.

2008-07-02T00:01:00.002-03:00

An old debt
My honor compels me.
I've wrong in the past.
And others covered for me.
People who should not have paid,
and yet felt like it was their obligation.
Now, as things have changed.
My plans delayed.
I can shift my priority.
And give new purpose for the money stored.
As of now, I'm settling this debt.
One which was never asked for.
One no one knew about,
only me and my code of honor.
Tears for acceptance.
For the unexpected surprise.
Now it begins.
The money shall return,
to those who deserve it.

2008-06-14T15:32:00.003-03:00

Differences
I'd like to point that most people don't pay half the attention to things they should.
On the same note, about half the time someone pays attention to something they are just over thinking about some criticism about the detail.
No examples will be given as it is not the point here.

Having fun doesn't mean you are doing what you want, or prefer, right?! But even if you have fun, that only reflects part of you. Unless, of course, the part reflected is that inner self, the true self. Then there is probably little that would be better.

I'd like to say I'm an hypocrite for laughing when I'm feeling annoyed. Not that I laugh to hide my annoyance, but because there was something genuine to laugh, but my true self felt that I should be doing other things.

That is my only frustration about RPG. Not the activity, but the people involved. While I know most people in the table enjoy the game, and are there to have fun, each one has a particular reason within the RPG to it. It bothers me that maybe I'm one of the only one interested in developing the story, the character, seeing how he will live and what he will become, seeing the adventure turning into something worth of being a movie, or a book, with deep characters, and action filled story.
If you ask most people they probably will say that that is their reason to play. But actions speak louder than words, right?! While I have fun with each joke, and of course I'm part of it, I feel that the more we joke around the less into the game everyone is.
Some people are there, paying more attention to the loved one nearby, (yes I find it annoying, and you may not believe it, but it is not because I don't have my respective loved one there). While each one has no obligation to pay 100% attention to the game, when you ask for the description a second time, three times during the session, you are just no into it, and of course disrupting the flow.
Comfortable places to play may seem to me as a poison depending on the group, as 2 hours in the game, people are starting to lay down, sleep... Of course, this goes by many factors. If someone is sleeping in a stone stair, on the cold ground, then it is not a problem of attention, but a need to sleep. While much more understandable, people should not be this tired in the game, specially when they agree/suggest/prefer the time which the game is played. (Exceptions are exceptions, so a 2-hour night sleep, because of work/study/party, is an exceptions, as it should occur very rarely.
Some people play to be with people. This is technically not a problem. Well, no one plays because they want to be alone. But when you play because it is either that of being alone, meaning that you don't like to play, you do it because it is the only good alternative, then you will end up slowing the game down. Or you would be a GOD to play perfectly a game you dislike.
I even hate myself, because all hatred I surround myself in leads to a lot of unnecessary jokes during game play. While some are funny, I don't really hold back on them, and end up disrupting the game even more.

Sometimes I think I live up to friday nights, (the sacred RPG day), after all I think about the RPGs during the whole week. Of course I don't think about it all the time, but it is one of the few things I do naturally with determination. I study, develop, create. I do it during classes, when driving, when cooking, in the shower. (ok, I'm not geek enough to think about RPG during sex)
I'm filled with megalomaniac plans about RPG.
But with some many troubles, fridays are not that much fun... it is the best thing I could do, and wouldn't stop it for anything. But taking into account the stress to organize things, the get everyone ready to begin, losing hours you could play when people are still awake, and heavier than these two, that fact that you take six hours of the real world, to do nearly nothing in the game, with infinite distractions, interruptions, and the end you see everyone leaving your house, and you quietly go around the house, putting everything into other, reflecting on how much time was wasted, and how you wanted to play the part you never got to because everyone wanted to stop, you feel that bitter sad taste. I want to call it failure, frustration, anger or even deception, but it is so many things it is hard to put in words.
RPG has become like an expensive sweet candy with and awful aftertaste. It takes a lot to get, it is nice while it lasts, but in the end you suffer more.
People, even within a common ground, are so different from each other. And ironically, no one pays attention to this kind of thing, the kind that could make a significant difference.
Maybe this is all frustration because I never got to finish one of my campaigns, but I say I'd just like to meet someone that shares deeply the same interest and view about RPG. I feel so lonely at the table.

2008-06-12T20:35:00.000-03:00

The price of peace.
- Oh wise one, are you in peace? - Inquired the girl sitting on the bench beneath the red tree.
- Peace is very personal feeling, but at this very moment I could say I am. - He answered looking past the blue tree, into the mountainous horizon.
- So, sometimes you are not at peace?
- You seem surprised. - He stopped for a moment, but she only shifted her eyes from place to place, searching for an answer to a question not made. He went on. - Peace is not something eternal, or a final state of mind. It is like every other feeling, it comes when the time is right, and it goes away without warning. Being at peace is like a country in peace, life is easier, better, people suffer less, but one day a monster, or a mad man, attacks the country, and with the war, peace goes away.
- And how do you achieve peace? - Her eyes dropped to the ground, where she swept the dirt of the ground with her shoe.
- Well, peace is something very costly. It depends on what are you willing to spend to have it. Mainly peace depends of what peace means to you. Peace may be found in the destruction of something, by enjoying a beautiful landscape or even fishing with someone dear. Primarily, you choose what you are willing to spend to achieve peace.
- But... what exactly could be spent that way?
- Well, time is the most common, since anything you do will require some sort of time. Additionally emotions are something that can usually hinder your peace, so taking care of them is something you might need to achieve peace. You may need to sacrifice some emotion, or regain another, it depends only in yourself. I've seen people sacrifice friends, lovers and even family, of course I mean they've cut relationships with those people, not killed them. But it is not unheard of people who did take a life to go for peace, be it by revenge, or be it by taking their own life.
He walked calmly up to the middle of the courtyard, he looked back to her over his shoulder.
- The quest for peace is a most complicated one. Only you can trail your path, and only you know which path leads to it. The only true advice I can give you is, while on your path, try not to mess with others', but I would still say, don't worry too much about reaching some sort of peace, you may find that after so much trouble, it only lasts for a little time. It is better to enjoy the walk towards a possible peace, then run all the way to it, and lose yourself on the way.

2008-06-08T19:57:00.002-03:00

It is all about memories.
"On one hand, painful memories can sometimes help one grow. On the other hand, joyful memories can make one look only backward and forget about moving forward."
True.
It is nearly impossible to expect a life with no bad recollections, but I can't imagine a life void of troubles in our world.
One can isolate oneself as much one wants, but in the end there will come a time to face an unpleasant world.
This may sound sad, but its not the impression I want to give.
You see, to be happy no one needs a life without bad memories. Bad memories serve to learn lessons, to prepare. The longer you keep without experiencing anything bad the greater are the chances of something happening.
But happiness does not reside in the lack of bad memories, but in the presence of good ones. Any moment one should be able to hold on to a good memory, and draw power from your experiences to press on forward into life.
And of course bad memories are not 100% bad. Being able to recall on something bad and see a positive side, or a lesson learned, is the mark of a happy life.
Memories are a basic and necessary part of our lives. They are there to remind us of what is important, of things that are not to be done again and to keep safe the occasional inspiring words one may need on the course of a rough day. They are forgotten, sometimes remembered, sometimes so strong no force can separate it from one's soul.
But a balance must be kept at all times. Drowning in a great memory is as easy as falling into the darkness of the bad memories. One must avoid being overwhelmed by the stronger memories. If you know a formula to do this, share with me.

2008-06-06T02:03:00.001-03:00

Dual Blooded
- So, I don't get the difference.
- You will when you grow older, you are probably also Dual Blooded.
- Then explain to me know what does that change for me.
- Well primarily you have two different blood types flowing through your body.
- Ok, go on.
- Not much I guess. I can say that you normally use your main energy, from your primary bloodline, in our case, human. But the energies are separate, so you can deplete your human reserve and retain energy, but then you risk tapping into the other's blood power.
- You make it sound like it is something bad.
- It is. At least if you don't know how to control yourself. The second blood usually has a more primitive nature, since you raise it in an unnatural environment and never gives it any attention. So tapping into it may result on some sort of frenzy.
She stared a bit whiter than before, considering whether that could turn to worse in her life. Only after some moments she thought about what that meant about her brother.
- What is our second blood? Have you been through this sort of frenzy?
- You can't have that information yet, is is not good for you.
- You can't seriously keep that a secret now.
- When you are ready I'll tell you, and you can try asking mom or dad, but they have no idea about our dual blood. - He came closer, and passing his hand in her hair, messing it up, he said - Besides, our second blood brings up a more bestial form, so to speak. You wouldn't want to undergo a temporary metamorphosis. And yes, I did, and fortunately I've learned how to tap into that power, without it taking over me. When you are older, I'll help you control it to.
- How do I know this thing won't take over me before that.
- Just stay out of trouble, and don't get too hurt, and you may live a full life, without touching your second blood.

2008-05-27T00:39:00.002-03:00

See... no? Then feel.

He skipped a heart beat.
one less breath taken.
He then felt forsaken
looking from a far away seat.

Life meant even less.
Failure seemed eminent.
Faded the glow of the bless.
No fun, or entertainment.

Her face from the past.
Emerged perfect, delicate.
Oh the wish to meet her fast.
Wasn't enough to medicate.

He needed more time,
or maybe just a rhyme,
for his friends to atone,
to find happiness alone.

Desperate and weak,
no will or reason to live.
Into the night to seek,
the end to get relief.

2008-05-18T21:31:00.002-03:00

Perception
- What?!!! I am overreacting?
- Yes.
- Then think about what happens when someone YOU like as you out, how do you reply? Now think about the same situation, but your friends are asking you out. Now tell me... what the hell does it mean when you refuse any invitation to go out with someone?
- But...
- To me the message is clear. In the end it doesn't matter what you say, but what you do... now get away from me.

2008-05-14T19:48:00.002-03:00

Humans & Laws
Is everything a direct consequence of being a sapient being?
Any species with self-awareness, the ability to communicate and retain knowledge will eventually form a society. And as a consequence will eventually create laws to protect people?
I'd like to say, "Hey, laws are great, they serve the purpose of maintaining order.", but I can't lie like that. Having laws mean nothing for society without a better judgment and well enforced application of the law. But none of those reflect our world.
We live in different, but world sharing, societies. This leads to conflicts in beliefs and interests. While one land enforces her practices over others, other nations cast a shadowy look of disapproval, while at the same time, doing little to enforce their own beliefs.
Of course, if everyone tried to push their believes over others, wars would never cease. But technically laws are there to avoid this... avoid abusive power over others, not wars. Wars as a abstract confrontation with or without violence is unavoidable, but we can prevent large scale conflicts using common laws that should go through out our race, not our lands.
The problem with everything is that few places really enforce their laws, leading to corruption, because in the end, when pushed against the wall, 99,999999% of all living beings will only look for their own interests, (being of course in case of most animals, their own life).
While we can pretend there are places where laws are actually enforced, there is still the problem of whether the laws make sense. Because, no one will agree to ALL laws they are faced with in the land they live. We vary so much in opinion that we can't simply find a common ground. And there are still people who will say that no matter your opinion, the laws are there for the BEST of people's interest in mind. Like there could exist such a thing as the best of people's interest. Law systems are plainly flawed, and we don't care because we don't feel the obligation to abide by them, unless under direct supervision by someone who will enforce the law up our sorry asses.
In case you are wondering, if you have more than a certain age (let's say 20 years old), you most surely have already broken AT LEAST one law. Haven't you played a game forbidden to your age? Downloaded an mp3 you had no right to download? Have you ever looked deeply into your traffic laws, because I'm sure there are infinite stupid things to break the law there.
Laws represent something good, but in our world, it has become a 18000 headed monster. Ever looked into, say a microwave, and seen a warning, DO NOT PUT ANIMALS IN THE MICROWAVE? Well, what leads to such a warning? The fucking law actually is on the side of people without any common sense (this is a really bad expression in the english language, is means "sound and prudent judgment based on a simple perception of the situation or facts", but this is something that the common person DOES NOT HAVE. In Brazil we use the directly translated Good Sense.). Back to the subject, the law grants people who do stupid things the preference over people that used "good sense". Manuals all over are filled with stupid sentences, that simply defy all logic, to protect companies from people ill intended.
This way we end up with lots of laws that seem stupid.
Recently I hear the new snow patch on the snowball. Somewhere (I didn't get the place, but it seemed that is was either US or UK) they are trying (or actually did, I'm still not certain) to create a law prohibiting the possession of a kind of pornography. Of course, this came from a desperate parent, who lost a child to some weird lunatic and had nothing better to do than find some reason to explain why someone killed his child and found this sort of porn as an excuse.
You all recall that fucking kid that grabbed some guns and fire inside a movie theater, and because he had played shooting games, people believed that the cause for his actions was rooted in the violent games. Oh COME ON, stupid shrinks!!!!! This was a minor set back for the industry. And in the very same way, this will ripple badly through porn industry, and affect many innocent people.
What I find flawed is that while there was a peaceful existence with things that are now illegal (example, the kind of porn) for many years. Upon ONE incident, (or statistically a very low number of incidents), they feel that disturbing the lives of many, because of one persons fault, is justified by "avenging" an angry parent.
A death of a dear one is always tragic, but taking it out on people who had nothing to do with it is just wrong.
Here the legend goes that RPG were prohibited some years in the past because a crazy vampire player actually KILLED a girl during one of his sessions.
Yet they believe that playing video games, rpg and watching porn is something bad, or that can lead to violent behaviors. That all considering that television news are more than packed with violence, and death. And with some countries waging wars with terrorism as an excuse.
People don't understand that the laws should keep humans from interfering with other people's lives in a bad manner, but instead most laws just fuck up most innocent people, because some delinquent had not the control over his temper. The guy is never a crazy serial killer, noooo, he always had an abusive parent, or painful childhood. Newsflash, many people have those, and very few manifest those scars in such a bad manner. People so like to believe that humans are plainly good and that things corrupt them, but no one is born good or evil, we are all born with both inside of us. (We shall ignore for the sake of argument that there is NO such thing as good or evil)
Whenever you make a decision, simply do the right thing. Think how your action will affect others, if it may cause pain to someone, then don't do it (with personal exceptions, you should not sacrifice yourself for someone else's sake, unless you want to).

2008-05-13T13:17:00.002-03:00

Laziness & Short Attention Span
Ahhh the chance to choose whether to go, or not, see a class. A dream come true. But yet, a nightmare in practice. At least to me.
Nothing like battling against your bed in winter. To bad I lose frequently.
In my defense I tell myself that I'm doing a rather exhaustive weekly schedule, considering work, college, and learning a new language.
So, I'll see if I can survive this easy, but completely full semester, and as soon as it ends, I'll get some free time.
But then again, if I don't program myself, free time becomes useless, I'll just skip it, and I don't want that.
So here are my future plans, for as soon as I graduate from college.
Once a week, dedicate my afternoon to honing my skills with 3D modeling. Probably I should learn how to use blender, but at first I'll keep on with 3DStudioMax.
Once a week, dedicate my afternoon to programming the grand system. This should be more than natural to me ^^. But I must apply myself not to lose too much time doing stupid things.
Once a week, go see a movie. At least once a week. With or without friends, this probably could be substituted by a night out with friends.
Once a week, seriously prepare for the next rpg session. Spend hours planning ahead of the group, generating stores, designing dungeons (this could be allied to the 3D modeling project), creating monsters and NPCs. Or even working on tools to help this creation (allied to the grand system).
Well, friday I should play rpg, which would basically take another day off my schedule, but then again, I can dilute things around and find the time to do this. Once a week, spend time working on my book, so it can finally go on.
Well, if I find the time, I'd like to finish some pending books. And manga, and Anime.
Play video game on spare time.
And that should be that.
I'll try to keep up that in the future, and of course try to post here more frequently.

2008-05-09T01:17:00.000-03:00

The art of Game Music
Being an avid fan of video games, part of the whole experience comes from the music.
I've posted many songs here that really meant something to me. But as this place is limited to words, I've put only songs that had lyrics. At best I may have mentioned some songs that had no vocal at all (like Destati - Dive into the heart, that has a chorus, but no lyrics).
When video games began, little audio could be produced by them, having limited audio channels it was difficult to create a melody. But even so, that did not keep the major artists from achieving immortality. Mario, Sonic, Zelda and many other games whose music will live on for many years to come if not forever. Latter, video games achieved more audio channels allowing better songs and sound effects. This now represents musics that were award winning, and seemed more like something out of an orchestra. Now a days we can put mp3 into games, so we can produce any kind of songs we desire.
One thing that is interesting to observe about the general public. They will listen to rock, samba, jazz, swing, pop, black and even funk. But show them a song that is from a game, and they will criticize like hell. But recently I heard this new cd from a radio station that my friend got as a gift. If you took the lyrics out, that song was left with a two instruments beat, with no more creativity than the worse songs in video games. What made those songs top hits? Their lyrics.
Sure, lyrics are important, but not essential. Therein lies the beauty of video game soundtracks. The skill it takes to put emotion into a scene, or a moment, without using words, is as great as creating a historical melody. Doing so with limited tools, is worthy of recognition.
It requires this artistic mind to see the art within songs without lyrics. I love this band, Rhapsody, and in most of their CDs they put some songs with no lyrics. The ones with lyrics represent great progressive rock songs, but the ones without are the ones that set you into this medieval ambient. Same goes with games, a song without words, is no less artistic than one with, but it surely has to have a great artist behind to pass such vivid sensations without describing them.
I feel bad for the composers, both kinds, but specially the ones that compose for video game, since they'll be less credited for their creations. I believe they don't care, they sure shouldn't worry what the world thinks of them, but I'm greatly thankful for all the heart they put into their creations, for I believe they give much more emotion than most top hit songs.
I believe they are true artist, some of the greatest there ever were, and their names should not be forgotten.
People should learn to appreciate more types of art, or at least respect the others.

2008-05-04T23:56:00.000-03:00

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 26 ~
"... metal rang upon impact. The force was unexpectedly strong. Not only strong but fast enough to connect against such precise dodge movement. The sword flew across the room, hitting awkwardly the wall. He stopped on a pillar half the way to the wall, and fell to the ground.
"Falling into a trap is one thing, being out bested by it is another thing." - he thought trying to regain his breath.
Many meters away, the others seemed to be in the same kind of trouble. Cid's lance barely scratched the foe's armor, while Selina's spells seemed more than effective, she could not get the break to cast them.
The metal arm swung wide, and Cid jumped high into the air just barely avoiding it. That did not stop the construct from attacking, throwing some of the knives it had for long distance strikes. Airborne creatures tend to have difficulty avoiding attacks, of course, that does change is you have wind on your side. Cid deflected some of the projectiles with his lance, and using wind blades he threw the rest out of the way, while he dove to strike.
He trusted the lance forward, aiming for the chest, but the metal arm intercepted the blow. Of course, this kind of attack is usually strong enough to break most defenses, in this case you and up with a construct with a spear lodged into his right arm. That makes a gentle twist of the arms throw Cid far away, without his lance.
Selina kept dodging and parrying around, but each parry threw her back some meters and were quite exhausting, considering mages have very little endurance.
Every time she used her powers to teleport away from the golem it just charged for her, throwing its knives whenever she tried to cast something.
She managed to cast a tremor spell, throwing the creature of its balance.
They say, whenever something major is about to happen, or when something important is about to suffer, the great warriors take a really deep breath instinctively and calmly look around, and see in a slow motion like experience, all the little things falling into place leading to that significant event.
She took that deep breath. Cid landed on his hands and feet gliding a few meters away. His enemy charged right past her going to face her unarmed friend, but what caught her sight, right in front of her, past the trembling golem, Maelstron in the floor, trying to get up, and the golem, swinging a sword right at him. As she sprung forth, building up energy, her body yelled "Nooooo!!!!!" against her will. She had to get past the first golem, but she was too close to do this safely, and yet she did not stop. She whispered to herself softly "Dimensional Portal" as the new image in front of her projected the the area in front of the pillar where Maelstron was, facing the golem, she ran as fast as she could, but the golem who had just recovered his ground did not wait mercifully for her, it trusted the not so thin piece of metal he called sword forward in her direction, the blade barely made it through the portal where she disappeared, but the blade was covered in blood.
Space, being opposite to Time, does not provide the most helpful hand when going from one place to another in an instant of time. But she needed more time or she would just get there to be hacked in two. She needed time to pull a barrier of some sort. "But how?" she asked herself trying to focus through the pain. Good thing about pain, it often leads to rage, and that can be the source of much greater power. The amulet. He had given it to her for a reason, the shield shaped, with a feather like pattern amulet she wore so dearly around her neck.
On the other side of the portal, Maelstron was still confused about the bashing, he thought he felt a burst of energy, he thought he heard someone yell "Grand Shield", but what brought him to his senses was the drop of blood that hit his cheek. He looked upward, his eyes opened wide, his pupils dilated, and as he gasped deeply he held his breath in fear.
The golem held its sword firmly pushing downward, a bright blue light emerged from the wing shaped shield that manifested in its way, holding the sword still. Behind the shield, the soft and gentle face from Selina, showed off more anger and pain that he had ever seen in her, she held one arms straight forward projecting the shield, and the other trembled as she held the pendant. Beneath the trebling left arm her waist was bleeding fast, through this wound that seemed to have cut her half way through. Her cloak and robes were completely red on the left side, and were dripping from every corner.
He wanted to yell "No!", but his body did not respond. The shocking sight brought up memories. In the slow paced scene that he so helplessly observed, he thought of an infinite number of situations, of how he could have avoided this, on how it all began.
He thought of drawing that sword. But his instincts held him back. Bow, pistols, daggers. He had nothing that was more powerful than his sword. His mentor used to say, "Your weapons, are not your source of power, but you are the source of power of your weapons. They can be of help, but eventually it all comes down to how you use them, and how powerful you are.".
He was not strong, but was considerably fast. But much more importantly, he had learned how to use his own power very well. He..."
~ End of Part 26 ~

2008-05-03T14:00:00.002-03:00

NO
No car
No sound
No money
No love
No company
No knowledge
(No items, Fox only, final destination)
No conversation
Nothing important
No time (ha!!! like anyone has)
No will
No

We use this word too much. Of course we only feel it is effect when we stop do think about it, but no is a very strong word. It represents the contradiction, the denial of one's wish. It binds every time a bit more as one hears it.
This is a sad word.
I'd like to stop using it.

2008-04-27T22:48:00.002-03:00

Infection and Thoughts
This past week I've had a stomach infection. I don't know the source of the problem.
It's been many more years than I care to remember since I last had something of this magnitude.
Somethings turn in a weird fashion.
One would expect that with this sort of infection, one would layoff some foods and drinks that are usually considered unhealthy, while focusing on healthy things.
Instead, some of the most natural and healthy things I eat dropped right of the selection, while one of the most common things I drink, which is not healthy, and some junk food like things I often have, were actually recommended.
This serves more as a reminder that no matter what seems logical, or expected, someone out there will still do their best to surprise you.
Of course, not going to work or college, and even sacrificing social events, all to heal one's body, leads to a lot a excess time.
I did sleep my share. And tried to do somethings more productive. In the end, I mainly skipped through the week.
Saw some anime. Read some manga. Watched TV.
But my mind will not skip time, and nor will my heart sleep through the ages.
So I did spend some time thinking about many things.
I really want to post more often here, but this semester is going to be very hard, and it barely started.
But on one notice, I'll try to follow the steps of Mary Schmich on her publication in the Chicago Tribune, and try to put wisdom into words. Maybe I can find the words fo move in the same way.

2008-04-15T02:31:00.001-03:00

A Break Within the Storm
Rain fell heavily. Roads went wet, but not flooded, good for anyone passing through it.
The air got colder, maybe a good change from those hot days.
Clouds formed from everywhere, each one darker than the previous one. Flashes on lighting tore the sky into fragments of an already chaotic image.
Winds were strong. But not constant, they shifted from side to side, making the rain dance by it's will. Only lightning seemed to not care about wind. Even the sound of lightning got mixed up with the roaring wind.
Swirling figures in the sky, twisting and twirling with the nearly black clouds, brought only turmoil to the scene.
One could guess that a hurricane would join the symphony of chaos to help destroy the landscape. But no... not there... there couldn't be a hurricane there...
At least that's what everyone thought.
Only a small push away, the only thing needed was the right amount of energy in the right direction.
Everyone drew a long deep breath. They stared quite silently, not a single breathing to be heard, just waiting for the worse. We all expect the worse.
Then, it happened, like an ordinary event, of an seemingly ordinary day. Right on that damp road.
The storm broke.
Quickly... VERY quickly.
It was like all clouds burst away from a center.
And every heard the reason.
Where was once those roaring winds, thundering lightnings and splashing rain, now was the sound of one music.
All my friends.
At one moment, every little piece of the sky fell into place, just as if to hear this song.
Or maybe it was the power of the song.
No one knew.
But all of them listened.
And they felt it.
Not very often to see a music break through such a storm and bring peace with it.
But peace is as fleeting as the song that brings it, and the same way it came with the music, it also went away with the music's end.
And the storm continued from where it left, weaker from the break, happier for the pause.
Even nature will open way for a song in the right place, in the right time.

2008-04-09T23:58:00.002-03:00

The Value of a Dream
Among lots of thoughts, and inner discussions, I said to myself, in a special context which is not important, "at least that way I get to dream".
Not the most insightful sentence in the world.
But looking deeply, it is more meaningful than it looks.
Children are special, in many different ways. One very important one is that they dream about their future. So many untapped potential, just waiting to be molded by their desires and dreams.
Yet so many adults like us face a life without dreams. They may be happy, have a good job, a loving family. Even may look like everything is fulfilled. But one little variable wasn't taken into account.
Ever questioned why did we go to the moon when we should try to save our planet? Or why small groups of people try to fight against a system that could not care less about them? Why does the hero go far and beyond, face horrible dangers and traps, slay foul beasts just to save a (Not necessarily cute) princess?
Because they dream of accomplishing something far greater than reality. Because we dream to discover something special, because they dream of making a difference, and because he dreams of finding a fair and gentle princess who will love him.
We like to joke that women drive this world forward. We say men only build the things they did, or do stupid, unnecessary things for one reason. To impress females.
Of course we know it is a joke. (with some truth behind it)
But I honestly believe that everything that is more difficult is being done for the sole purpose of fulfilling dreams. We see so many scientists who work like slaves, countless hours, overtimes, with little or no perspective of discovering something significant in their fields, but they still do it with passion, just for the odd chance of making this simple, yet powerful, dream come true.
Probably, one of the saddest things I've seen in my life was a person without dreams. Someone who gave up on life in a way that they have no will to fight, reason to wake up. That is the lack of dream. Not that they don't have dreams, they dream of a day when things may be better, but that dream is so unreachable that they don't go for it, it is not that important.
Dreams are the only reason why we fight without taking odds into account. Why would a human fight a dragon, that is suicide, but yet, dream of greatness drives them forward into the lair of the beast.
That is what makes most children so special.
Dreams are something fragile and precious. Just be careful not to break anyone's dream. That is a most vile crime.

2008-03-29T23:29:00.002-03:00

Nobuo Uematsu ~ The Greatest Composer ~

Audi famam illius.
Solus in hostes ruit
Et patriam servavit.
Audi famam illius.
Cucurrit quaeque tetigit destruens.
Audi famam illius.
Audi famam illius.
Spes omnibus,mihi quoque.
Terror omnibus,mihi quoque.
Ille
Iuxta me.
Ille iuxta me.
Socii sunt mihi.
Qui olim viri fortes
Rivalesque erant.
Saeve certando pugnandoque
Splendor crescit.

I have heard of his rumor.
He alone rushed into his enemies
and saved his homeland.
I have heard of his rumor.
He ran across the lands and everything he touched was destroyed.
I have heard of his rumor.
I have heard of his rumor.
He gave everyone hope, as he gave me.
He gave everyone fear, as he gave me.
He is now...
next to me.
He is now next to me.
My allies are with me.
My allies, who were once heroes
and old enemies, are here.
As they fiercely competed and battled
their splendor grew!

This song requires no introduction.
And it means more than most songs to me, as it also is the most important song to enter my life in ages.
I would one day like to meet him, he made me feel at peace so many times, I'd like to thank him.

2008-03-27T20:53:00.002-03:00

A small log... just to say somethings I can't say to anyone...
Tostiche, respect--
The Spiderwick Chronicles, respect++
Moved by evil, torn by good. Who'd have guessed that my good side was going to kill me.....
I fail... I'm not good at anything...
The cake was not technically a lie.
No, I'm not alive, not that you care.
It's been too long... I miss that feeling... I even miss the pain it caused...
Indeed, it is much harder to go on when you have no reason to wake up the next day, or an objective to fight for.
I wish for a silent eternal night.
Juno is a great movie.
Asuna, Rosette, Saber, Tia, Sakura... I'll remember your pain so long as I live, as a reminder of the good things to fight for, and those who fought for it
I'm tired. I'm so tired, Selan. Let me sleep for a while next to you.
I'm so sorry my companion cube...
Square and Disney make a phenomenal combination.
And so does Square and Nintendo.
Masahiro Sakurai, congratulations.
Lumas are great.
No one to share this with.
I don't want to wait six more years.
109 years old is a lot, don't you think.
Three seals aren't enough to keep my soul under check.
I'd rather be lonely alone, than lonely surrounded by other people.
Yes, it does bother me to see so many couples in the mall, and to see couples kissing...
One side does not care about sex (even thought it enjoys it), the other wants so badly to experience new things...
I don't walk like an egyptian, but I do like the song.
I still want to buy that sword for him.
And that telescope for him.
And that plush for her.
I will someday buy the things I want.
For your own safety, all communication services have been suspended.
Japanese is a hard, (and fairly stupid), language, but I still want to learn.
I miss you three.
I still hope the RPG will proceed and conclude well in time.
I have five important books to read, none of them which I have the time for.
I do waste lots of time in unimportant things.
But then again I must admit, I don't see anything important to spend my time on.
You can call me cheap, but I do spend a lot of money on things that matter, too bad I don't have enough....
I know the meaning of life, but I wont tell you.
Yes, 42 IS the answer.
Nothing beats bad luck.
No one has worst aim than a vogon.
There are NO snakes on the plane ~.~
Yes, I do believe in Dragons.
One day the world economy will collapse, and the world will suffer one of the greatest crisis since dawn of civilization. Don't say I didn't warn you.
(Almost) Everyone loves my dog... the poor thing is as stupid as a door.
No one regrets nothing.
You do NOT look as fat as you imagine.
Blah blah blah.
Yes, my internet SUCKS =P.
Brawl, is a fucking awesome game.
John Williams is STILL the man.

End of log...

2008-03-10T23:59:00.004-03:00

Coin Attraction
It took some time, I wanted to hold it in my hands.
Stare at it for all its beauty, and feel all the meanings involved.
To most, it's a simple object, without any considerable value. I could consider it the proof of a conquest, not a worthy conquest, but the prize for stepping up to a challenge, and seeing it through the end.
Saying like that makes it sound more like a consolation prize =P.
In the end, it should mean more to me.
As my life, and all the webs that form my devious mind, are all formed by links, some strong, others weak... but memory links. It is how a simple scent can jog up the memory of your childhood adventures into the kitchen while someone baked something delicious, or may remind you of a person important to you, by the perfume they used to wear.
This coin, has more to it to me than anyone can guess by looking.
It has so many memories attached to it, all of them recent enough to be still printed in the dark corridors of the labyrinth that is my mind. May they be sound, great melodies discovered by experience, or even the feeling it felt at some point in the fun of my recent past.
I could hold it all day.
I wish I could bring it everywhere with me. But as the memories and bonds tighten each time I look at this round thin object, I fear for my incompetence.
It has become so important, becoming one of my most cared possessions, that I seal my urge to take it everywhere with me, just like with this stone, so I won't lose it. It would make me really sad to lose this.
Funny how something so seemingly unimportant becomes such a valuable treasure just because it lies in place in the web of your brain, that ripples to other good memories, and becomes the center for a more pleasurable part of your life.
And this I know...
We all need more pleasurable things and memories in our life.
Ill treasure this coin with all my strength.

2008-03-09T13:30:00.000-03:00

Orientation School - First Class of Spiritual Guidance
- Energy is the essence! All beings in this world are fundamentally made of energy, be it human, animal, beast plant, not only them but all objects such as rocks, weapons and clothes. The only exception for this are creatures and objects created through magic spells, not summons as these bring creatures from other places.
The teacher walked to the front of his desk slowly. He wore a dark green overcoat, with a black shirt, and brown pants. His belt had some items attached to it, mostly potions and other utensils for teaching. He held his hand upfront.
- As you all know, every living being has the ability, with few exceptions, to manifest this energy upon the world, like this. - He said concentrating his own energy in the palm of his hand, which after some instants began to glow, and with a bright flash appeared a small bird in his hand.
The young ones didn't seem greatly surprised, but more as dazzled by the beauty of the power.
- Most of you have experienced a bit with your own spirit. Of course most of you can't do much more than simple manipulation of the elements, but we are all here to learn more about these powers and how to develop them. So, first of all, does any one remember how many spirits are there?
Some of them raised their hands shyly and said sixteen.
- Good. Sixteen elements, being Life, Death, Time, Space, Light, Darkness, Fire, Water, Earth, Wind, Thunder, Neutral, Animal, Plants, Mind and Body. They each represent one of the elements from nature. So why do you think our spirits are important?
- Because we can't survive without it. - Said a boy in the front.
- Because it is what gives us power. - Said a girl near the window.
- Because it makes us what we are. - Said another girl in the back of the class.
- When we are born, the energy from around us come to gather in our body, and give us life, allowing us to be part of nature. Even the most isolated creature in the universe, and any parallel plane, is given the spiritual gift. One may not even use it, but having it allows our conscientiousness to be within our body, and thus making us a whole being.
The teacher walked towards the window. Only to say in calm but gloomy voice.
- We all know that no being can exist devoid of spiritual energy, but even so, people talk of beings who have no soul, no spirit, and live only to hunt those who have spiritual energy. I've never seen one, and highly doubt they do in fact exist. With energy we are a part of this world, and as we live, we borrow this energy from existence, so that when we die, this energy returns to be recycled with all the purest energy of the world.
The children seemed to be mixed the awe and fear, but were all paying close attention to their teacher's words. He stepped back to behind his desk, and started writing into the projection screen.
- During this course we will see the nuances of each spirit, where does it come from, and where does it go to. The delicate balance in nature among the spirits. A little history. And of course, will practice a lot to control our own energy.
The sound of pencils writing down the topics filled the class. This was the first class, the first of many. Those were the children who would learn to use their own spirits for their own will. From then on, theory would come to practice, and that they needed a lot.

2008-02-27T22:35:00.000-03:00

Eerie Feeling
Where I come from, we've got a different religion. Not we as a nation, we as a collective of people.
We basically chose what we wanted to believe in, from all the things that are unexplainable things.
And even for some things physics try to explain, we simply believe there's something more, because even physics know there is something missing in their equations.
The thing is.
Some days ago I was feeling this adrenaline surge. This crushing feeling in the heart.
From what I believe, this kind of sensation means some sort of premonition. Not the classic one where one dreams about something that is about to happen, but more like when you know there is something out of place, or someone you care for is in danger.
It had been a long time since the last time I felt this way. Years.
This one came crushing down with such force, sometimes I couldn't even get up from the bed.
It is sort of panicking to feel that which is most precious to you being ripped away and yet not knowing why, when, where, who or even if.
Some people, I believe, have the gift to feel their surroundings and extract more from it than just what sight, hearing, touch, smelling and tasting gives them.
I felt... so many things. Things I once called rips in the fabric of time space. Mainly an anomaly in the world. Be it precognition, omen, farsight or whatever, I had a knack for knowing when something odd was about to happen.
It felt like time had collapsed around me.
Powerless
Without knowledge
Oblivious
Dark
Even though I searched for what was wrong, I did not find anything.
Good I guess. But I wonder nonetheless if something had just started to snowball from that point.
Twists and turns, spikes of feeling nearly seeming like that one, the last few weeks have been confusing.
But in the end, all was to remind me... of what I knew, of what I signed in for.
I live cursed.
Or that is what I was led to believe.
Can one have so little luck?

2008-02-03T12:48:00.000-02:00

The Legacy of the Future
Future is uncertain and unknown.
Forgetting people who believe in fate, and destiny, and that the future is already certain.
What we fail to perceive among uncertainty and our only interest in one's own life, is that there are things about the future that are bound to happen.
Most of the time we consider the future can hold great things, and that solo perspective is what makes some people fight against all odds.
Sometimes people talk about but never really stopped to perceive what the future of this world is.

I for one, have been saying for many years that I won't have children, not so much because I don't want to, but more for many reasons that escape my control. Among these reasons, stand the logic that bringing a child into this world is just wrong for a child. Not drastically, but I reason like this.
As years pass we are reaching the end of some natural resources that we can't restore. So in some years, not a lifetime, but maybe in the next millennium, water will become a critical issue, not to mention the shortage of oil will cause great chaos in the economy system. We have global warming, we have the raise of the sea levels. Basically we are headed towards a more chaotic world and in my vision, worse. Worse unless something huge is done.

Well, recently I saw this video about economy. About how our baking system works, and were the money comes from. After 40 minutes, lacking 7 because it didn't load the end, I renewed my faith that we are headed towards really rough times.
Our economic system is naturally flawed, and doomed to crash, the thing is, it's crash can be forever delayed as long as we can extract natural values, resources, from the planet. That will take who knows how long, but as population grow, resources fade, eventually will face a world wide economic crisis.

I don't like being bleak, but the future is going to be though, on anyone there to face it. As for the present, I'll do my best for a better life/world. But people really need to acquire some consciousness about what is going on, and what will be in time. Economists have foreseen it, but they are a very little minority.
As long as we delay it, the more difficult it will be to fight it.

2008-01-30T20:28:00.000-02:00

Countermeasures
The seal loosened with each blow.
The seal used to contain the beast.
Were it to break, there would be once again a long period of darkness to face.
It seemed like the fight would go on for a while. So measures were taken.
First, hide, where the blows don't reach. Let some time pass so the wounds stop bleeding.
Isolation would be but temporary, as the time demanded confrontation. So prepare for battle.
Take in the breeze fresh air.
Prepare another talisman to keep the seal under check.
And last, silently step through the shadows, avoiding needless confrontations and stick with what is important.
No more joining extra fights.
No more expecting help.
Fighting alone is better training, and is more reliable.
May this new bond hold the inner demon. May it allow a clean fight.

2008-01-19T22:59:00.000-02:00

Dive!
In an unexpected turn of events, I entered a diving course.
On more of a new, I got a job, it began this last week.
Seems like a really great turn of events right ^^.
Diving, though, is a risky business. Leaving your own environment, going into an unknown place. It can be great, but you may find yourself surrounded and facing more grief than you prepared for.
So it was how I learned that a seemingly good week turns to a bad one on the flash of a lightning, and that presence of light, followed suddenly by it's absence.
So, on work, I had no computer to work there, since it is in programming I can do very little without a computer, so I would go to work at home. Huge mistake... I forgot Murphy was watching. Two days I had blackouts here at home, one for eight hours, and the other for four, right on the time a was going to work.
Oh just two days right? No... the other day I went out with a friend for a movie. Had to wait for half an hour, and the movie stirred up those sad feelings buried deep inside, but she seemed more unconcerned than I'd like. Upon my arrival home, I went to my computer thinking of working, only to find the internet down. One day I had to take a friend to the hospital to check up her stomach, which was hurting, once again, no internet when I got home. And the last day was just about the lack of internet.
At the end I produced more during the time I spent at work, even without a computer. But I produced a lot less than I find acceptable.
On the diving class, on the last class (the one that is more practical, therefore more fun) my air ran out first, leaving me doing nothing for the last half an hour of the class.
At the end of the week, to relax, I went to play on my nintendo Wii. Ten minutes into the game, both of my battery pairs were dried out. So no fun for me.
Well... things now seem a bit more normal. The extra theoretical class for the diving course went really smoothly today.
The course was really nice, especially the practical parts ^^. I can't wait to go to my baptism on Parati. I say it is a nice experience for anyone who likes water, swimming. So if you have a chance, do it. The wonders under the sea are great things to observe... one of those must try experiences.
As for me, I end this week feeling sad, for many reasons, wishing to find something to cry about, and just trying to plan next week with the little time I'll have.
Diving into anything in life is uncertain, but at least diving at sea is more predictable, and you'll most likely have an instructor the first time, so if you wanna dive into something, go for Scuba Diving.

2008-01-12T15:53:00.000-02:00

Collective Restraint

You, who softly touched my chest.
Who looked into my eyes, and smiled calmly.
You came near my face, lips close to ear. You spoke gentle words, words so intimate that my belt should not hear them.
You held my hand. You asked about my past. You told me about yours.
You seemed so perfect. We seamed great together.
But you... YOU... you were the one who mocked me in front of our friends.
You barely spoke with me, and when you did, you always called others into conversation.
You frequently ran to greet and talk to others, leaving me alone.

Masks. Restraints. Acts. Posers.
Most people have a closet full of masks. One mask for each occasion. For some people in particular, for groups, of friends, coworkers, family, teammates. Internet has proportionated a vast chance to do this. In each forum, online game, instant messaging and chat rooms identities are lost, replaced with masks of who we wish to be.
Normal, common.
I hate it... for two main reasons.
Because of people who you know (by experience, or intuition) that could be great friends with you, if only you had the time to be alone and become friends, but the person is NEVER alone, always wandering in groups of friends. When you propose to do something, the first reaction is to invite the rest of the group.
And because of people who are the nicest friends, you get along really well, only when alone. In groups it is if you never existed.
Surely most people do this, even your's truly. You don't play around with sex jokes around your family, and you can't mock people from your work. Each social interaction is unique in it's own way, and so you need to act accordingly.
I won't say it is wrong, because it probably isn't, but I feel very frustrated when I meet someone who only knows how to function in a group, never goes out without the group, and in the group you just can't become friends, you may only become part of the group.
You see, these restraints imposed by social interaction, limit the proximity of people in your life. With REALLY rare occasions people in a group are just close, rarely being intimate enough, like pairs of friends usually are.
I know being alone with someone, other than boy/girlfriend, is rare, with the few time we have in our world. That comes to be really annoying when you know a really great person, with great conversation, that when with others isn't the same. The conversation aren't as fun, as intimate, as comfortable.
Comfortable. That's the difference.
Statistically speaking, the chance of one feeling comfortable enough to talk personal things is much higher with one friend than with six. This serves as a restraint about conversations.
The so called collective restraint. The things one won't talk within a group, but would when sitting alone.
I hate to lose a possible friend to such a stupid social barrier.
Masks are there to ease adaptations to new and different situations, not to isolate us from a true bond.Publish Post
Just remember to sometimes take of the masks, and let your true self breath and maybe make some friends, it's important for you, and for them.

2007-12-24T16:21:00.000-02:00

Christmas
Well, long has passed and I've neglecting this blog.
Well, we passed through that 200th post, and I have lots of subjects lined up.
But I've been enjoying some rest after all the struggles I faced.
So soon I'll be writing more often hopefully.
For now, merry christmas to everyone, and good celebrations all around during this time of year.

From us all,
Maelstron, Maxim, Thomas

2007-12-10T22:50:00.000-02:00

The Death of an Angel
Well, I don't mean an actual angel, she could be from any race. Maybe part angel, maybe part shadow, maybe part demon. What matters is how she acted, and she did it like only the angels you imagine do.
Steph. That's her name... or at least part of it.
She grew as a timid person. She didn't know lots of people, but she still wandered around smiling and observing. She was very calm, extremely patient and thought before acting.
She had few friends. Those she had she vowed to protect. She formed a special kind of bond, even though they did not know it. She was the one behind the simple things, the one who went after that special gift, or the one to give support whenever needed.
Life was simple. Her only troubles were things that made her stronger.
Her observations gave her unique insight of the world, or that's what she believed. But she knew she had lots to learn yet.
She realized how people around the world related to one another. How there are groups of peoples, split by what they do in life and how their priorities stand. The funny thing she discovered was this hidden, barely known group. She saw how life took it's course, but near everyone happy, there was someone working the extra mile, cleaning the stones in the path.
Most people aren't aware of these people. Well of course these people aren't invisible, they talk with everyone, like any ordinary person. The difference lies in their actions. The way they do things to make other feel better, they work on simple things, like carrying your drunk friend home or paying attention to their preferences. They do nice things, but... they don't take credit. You see, people complain whenever something bad happens in their life, but they rarely question when something good happens. Sometimes it's luck, some are fruits of hard work, but when one is having fun and enjoying a good streak one almost never stops to think it could be because of someone else.
As she grew her own identity, she felt that this was her style, to help, in the silent of the night. She took every opportunity she could, was it a sad face, or the nickname in the messenger or simple tone in someone's voice. She tried to get to know people, just to help. She listened to others, that made them feel better. She paid attention to details. She tried to be nice. This was her routine.
Bound to her own life cycle, she continued each day with her routine.
Bonds with friends were loosened through the years, old companions left her life. She didn't realize the consequences of this, so she focused on her friends.
New friendships began. Old ones broke. She was in transition to a new stage of her life.
Things were different, more mature. She still had not found her missing knowledge.
Critical changes were at her front, she had to react in order to preserve her vows. So she adapted.
This critical change, the loss of a friend, the now more mature part of her, and the need to stand on her own gave her the snap of knowledge she needed.
She would come to regret this.
She felt for the first time helpless. No action could save this old friendship. She felt that this was something important to people. Friendship was a feeling worth preserving. So she dedicated herself to her friends.
After some choices, a road lead to a pot of happiness for her, this second chance with her past.
This was the time to learn. She was beside one of the greatest angels of all time, and she met another one during this same period.
One thing about this particular group of people. You know how most people tend to live with people like them. So geeks go with geeks, artists hand with artists and well, most people follow this pattern. It is all about finding the group where you identify yourself. But contrary to these groups, "angels" don't hang with angels. They seek people who need them, or for some natural unexplained reason, people who need them seek these guardian angels. From what she observed, she never saw two true angels hanging together. Usually, we consider the group of these guardian angels, and the group in need of help. The thing is, this one way relationship does not help the angels. Since angels don't usually help each other, angels are bound not to get help.
Helping, like doing anything, without recognition is a consuming action. Being an angel implies not to expect recognition.
She found this mirror of her own identity, she look at what she was. She saw what she wanted. She wanted to be able to depend on someone. She wanted an angel for her. She wanted the one thing she could have.
These two angels in her life saw her on the ground, weak, in despair. They took her by the hand, and put her back on her feet. They helped her to survive her own breakdown.
When you're about to break up, you have the small chance of seeing beside you an angel, maybe more, even if you are an angel. You realize you have someone to protect you.
So she found renewed strength in the comfort of other angels. And so she went on with her mission in life, helping people.
She lost countless afternoons talking with people, trying to give them confidence. Hearing their problems, helping them solve them, even the simple ones like math homework.
A lot of learning and growth followed through that time.
But as years pass, time becomes more scarce, and people more distant. But still, the will to help held on. Driven by the will to pass forward the help received she went forward.
A friend's marriage fell, an old colleague passing through a rough time. Some friends with trouble with dates. And each time less time to pay up her own maintenance cost.
She felt the distance with her friends on her wings. A huge weight keeping her from moving in a good pace. She blamed the angels for leaving her, just to elude her from her fate. She was once again alone.
Eventually she found a new set of people to be with.
As she tried to help, make this new set of people feel happier, hope grew with her, the hope her wish would come true. Time was just enough for her dream do scale out of proportion, rendering her depending of that false hope.
This, as it may sound, is quite big. To hope so dearly on one thing, depending on how one person will react, is a really risky gamble. Going against all her common sense, and her own advices, her dream went on.
She felt bad, she knew not why, she had some perception that her dream was about to end. But no one, and I'm yet to find an exception, can brace themselves to see their dreams fall apart.
So it hit the road, on a sharp left turn, it all ended. But wait, we are used to see our dreams die, change or adapt. We do it since kids. Those who dream of becoming soccer stars, astronauts or even curing cancer, but eventually end up in something more "realistic".
It's sad, but it's how we are raised.
So, this critical stop on the wall on the road wasn't that big of a deal. In fact, she knew she could get through it. The catch was, was could not do it alone.
Getting yourself up is hard. It's far more easy to get someone else up. But angels get no help, if they are usually unseen, when they lie on the side of the road, silent, they are even more invisible.
She sat there alone.
Silence...
Deep silence.
Then a little sob.
Her mind was cracking, she kept questioning her own self, asking herself if she was a nice person, if she hurt anyone, if she deserved to be alone. She began to convince herself she deserved to suffer.
Angels should never strive for justice. It's against their nature. Yet, when everything is down, we all wish things were fair. That the rich didn't have so much money, and the poor so little.
Now, when you're suffering, and you rather believe in justice, the only conclusion is that either something really good will happen, or that you deserved to be where you are.
Time passed. Too much time. She did not recover. And no one... waited.
She felt truly alone, and since there was no prospect of good turns, she went with the only possible thing to accept. She was not nice.
She developed this trail of thought. She did what was nice to her, and that hurt people, even if they were her most inner and natural actions. So, in order to help others, the best way was to stay away.
She raised, the little she could, and went on her way. Slowly, everyday farther from others.
No one missed her.
The echo of her voice gradually faded into oblivion.
She was alone.
She ignored her calling.
She ignored those in need. And she felt worse each time.
A year passed down this road.
A year is a long time. It may seem to pass quick. But when each day you look into your own actions and judge yourself, one year is far too much.
The guilt drove her weak.
The feeling of failure drove away all sense of purpose.
She lost a reason to go on.
Why take the next step she asked.
No one answered.
Angels, may fade away. The don't simply die. They fade, disappear from everyone's lives.
They vanish, until not a shred of them is traceable.
She was so sweet.
She is now, nowhere to be found.
She left this world, into a place with flowers as far as the eye can see.
The sad thing... is that...
she will not be missed... because no one ever saw her work...

2007-10-23T10:15:00.000-02:00

Meltdown
While I do admit I have been stalling to post here, I did it only because I had no time and wanted to do a quality post. Since this is post number 199, there will be some time until the next post. Unfortunately I have no time at all. My brain is in the current state of a yellow mold, just like a gooey weak substance with no power to do anything but sit there.
It's been some months, I done some tests, have been developing my graduation project. And on the very little time I've had I played some games.
Now, just out of a test, I have some homework to do, but my brain has collapsed. I've been feeling nauseated and woozy since yesterday.
I'm fed up...
I want to relax a bit.
And lately people have been pressing on my last nerve.
I also had some psychologically straining family matters to deal in my head, and my own abilities have been leading me to suffer before time.
Life seems now too fragile to challenge it.
Well, I'm here just to say I'm alive, soon to return to my usual postings. I have some interesting things lined up to post.
Let's see, maybe I can post 200 on my birthday.
Well, I should go back to my obligations.
Until next time.

2007-08-19T09:55:00.000-03:00

Luck!

O Fortuna                           O Fortune,
velut luna                          like the moon
statu variabilis,                   you are changeable,
semper crescis                      ever waxing
aut decrescis;                      and waning;
vita detestabilis                   hateful life
nunc obdurat                        first oppresses
et tunc curat                       and then soothes
ludo mentis aciem,                  as fancy takes it;
egestatem,                          poverty
potestatem                          and power
dissolvit ut glaciem.               it melts them like ice.

Sors immanis                        Fate - monstrous
et inanis,                          and empty,
rota tu volubilis,                  you whirling wheel,
status malus,                       you are malevolent,
vana salus                          well-being is vain
semper dissolubilis,                and always fades to nothing,
obumbrata                           shadowed
et velata                           and veiled
michi quoque niteris;               you plague me too;
nunc per ludum                      now through the game
dorsum nudum                        I bring my bare back
fero tui sceleris.                  to your villainy.

Sors salutis                        Fate is against me
et virtutis                         in health
michi nunc contraria,               and virtue,
est affectus                        driven on
et defectus                         and weighted down,
semper in angaria.                  always enslaved.
Hac in hora                         So at this hour
sine mora                           without delay
corde pulsum tangite;               pluck the vibrating strings;
quod per sortem                     since Fate
sternit fortem,                     strikes down the string man,
mecum omnes plangite!               everyone weep with me!

Ever changing, luck can drive you crazy. One day you feel lucky, win prizes, bets, nothing seems to be able to stop you, the next day every little thing, from forgetting your wallet, to being arrested for driving without license, goes wrong.
Luck will always change, untamed. Some have more luck than others, just look around you. Isn't there a person that seems to have all the luck. Someone you've never seen anything bad happen to.
In balance there is people who seem to fight against luck itself. Everyday struggles to get to a destination without something bad happening.
Why is our lives tied to something so unpredictable? What to do then?
Nothing... live.
Try to flow with it. Seek harmony, and go beyond the problems of luck.
Luck, the very essence of the randomness in life.

2007-08-09T20:32:00.000-03:00

The Outer Triad
Our life takes us through many things. And even with many decisions to take, and things to balance in life, we still must keep up some principles.
But each person lives in different places, and therefore may have to live up to different principles.
But important things should be global. If possible, universal.
But then again, this will never be true. But I have my own principles. Some that I believe defines a person and one's worth.
After all. We are social beings, so we cannot live alone. But this requires us to have social rules that can guarantee a pacific life, without clashing about every little misunderstanding.
So what is important? To your life you must fight for your happiness, but so that you don't have to brawl with people you know, you must not interfere negatively in someone's life or even against their will. This is tricky, I know. Many moments in life you have to think ahead and see how your next decision, next action will affect the lives of people around you. Just so that we're clear on this, sometimes your decision may affect others, and when you choose not to hurt someone you get hurt, this case is where your decision is neutral, after all, the same ruling goes all ways.
Well, then lets start.
Honor. One of the oldest values in life. One each day more rare to see. People each day are less prone to stand by their word.
Dealing with honor is hard. Means to have respect to others, never back down on your word. This may not seem important, at least not much at first. But in the long run of your relationships, this is what can always be remembered and considered about yourself. A person that lives with honor is usually dependable, and people will know that.
Honor is very subtle thing. I goes from a variety of situations, like not attacking your enemy from the back.
Complicated, but still, a great virtue to balance.
You may think that honor is all it takes to balance socially, or even include this in what honor comprehends. But I feel that this has a meaning of its own, being specially important to have trust in the people close to you. Loyalty.
Loyalty is the greatest key to trust and depend on someone. When you are in danger, you will count in someone loyal to you, someone who does not wish your harm.
Loyalty comes in many ways. You may see the groups of jocks who band together always loyal. A friend who vows to never let a man come between you two or the people who will follow you through hell to help you accomplish your goals.
Balancing this means you are reliable. And of course, you can only expect people to be loyal to you if you are loyal to them, it's a two-way deal.
As any action taken has deeper ramifications than it appears, one should be more aware of his/her decision. What to choose? Good question. Most likely, whenever you had a decision to make you chose the least selfish decision, but, to make this clear, it was probably not a selfless decision.
People are in general, hummm...., kind. Kind meaning good, but not very good, just a bit towards good... nice. So when those people have to make a decision, they don't go upfront doing whatever pleases them most, they tend to think a bit about the people they care about before they do anything harsh.
Should one think about everyone in the world before a decision is taken? Yes... ideally. But of course this is impossible. So who should you think about? Well, there is no easy answer to this. But the simple form of thinking that should lead to the most balanced solutions is just be fair!
Fairness, this is tricky. You have to take a hard job to do this... become a judge. You have to look from the most points of view possible, than think about the consequences to anyone involved. And make a fair decision, even though someone important to you may dislike it.
Being fair will not make you more popular with your friends. But will improve your valor as a person. Siding with your friends, with the winning side, doing the easy thing, these kinds of decisions are easy to make, but probably will lead to destruction. Taking sides is socially important, but manifesting your point over other's lives should be done with extreme caution and fairness, after all you wouldn't want to deeply wound someone for your mild comfort, would you?
In the end, even if some people close to you dislike your fair decision, true friends and those capable of understanding, will know that your decision was for a greater good.
Honor, Loyalty & Fairness. Three values in life that should be balanced, for the sake of your social life and the peace among mankind.

2007-07-31T07:38:00.000-03:00

The Sun Hidden in the Veil
The usual path, though normally dull, reveals surprising things sometimes.
Maybe it was the good mood, or the odd weather that has been going on... you know, with people freezing around here. But still, it was a great sight, maybe even a good omen.
The sky has this veil of clouds, gray, small, roundish, very close to one another and going from one side to the other side of the horizon. It covered all the sky, even though they were clearly segmented.
All sky except for the end of the path in front of me, where for some reason they halted all at same time, creating a thin line, very straight line. The way it ended gave the clear impression that the veil of clouds was as thick as a normal veil is, despite the fact that it blocked visual access to the upper parts of the sky.
At that very end, the sun was either rising still lower than the horizon or rising already behind the veil. But the sure thing was it's proximity. The rest of the horizon, above all other distractions, and under all clouds was the shinning light of the sun, painting the end of the path yellow.
To the left smoke rose from somewhere. Too distant to see where. But the small rising blackish rising cloud just left of the golden horizon and going upwards to meet their gray counterparts made this path seem right.
The strange thing was that the clouds. When you looked upwards to see them they had this blot pattern, and were so still that one could swear they were looking into a painting, one with lots of single, strong strokes to make clouds.
Great sight to pass through any path.

2007-07-27T18:26:00.000-03:00

The Elements: Introduction
As I find a mood to discuss this, I come here to introduce my concept of the elements that form our universe.
This is only to explain what I'll do.
I'll be trying to show what our culture believes of such element, try to put my opinion about those beliefs, explain my understanding of each elements and analyze a bit about life in the process.
There are many things one could say about life and creation. Of course, being it all a mystery all we can do is guess and play with elaborate plots. In the it probably won't matter, being that will never discover the absolute truth.
Some people believe weird things. I'm no exception. But as people believe in horoscope, and that a single daily phrase maybe true to 1/12 of whole population of the world, we observe how people want to see a pattern, anywhere, in their lives, in the news, in their test exams or even in the sidewalk. We have some reluctance about accepting the randomness in life's daily routine. So I will try to bring up one more pattern for us, not about some as accurate as the horoscope intends to do, but nearly some behavioral patters one might find useful to pay attention.
For starters, I'll leave something for people to imagine. I say there are 16 elements that are the base elements of life. Some are extremely common, some just common, some a bit unusual, and one that never is perceived as an element. If I'd ask you, what do you think are those 16 elements?

2007-07-10T20:59:00.000-03:00

Unstable Feelings
Contrary to what the topic might suggest, this is not a bad thing.
Just something strange that happened to me today.
I was at the super market, buying some things to cook/prepare tomorrow. I was at the speed line (the one destined to people with up to 20 products, I'm not sure of the term in English) behind two clients. The first one, already passing things through the clerk, had lots of things, and was deciding about taking or not an extra set of plates. Took some time for the speed line, but ok.
The second client, which at first I thought was with the first, was just and old (I think he was old) man carrying just a bread pack, if I'm not mistaken a pack with 12 small breads. When the clerk finished with the first client he stepped up, handed a two-Real (name of the currency here =p) bill. The clerk passed the bread, picked the money and handed the bread to him again, then he left.
Strangely, this is the reason for this post, at that moment, just before he paid the clerk, I felt somehow happy, that comfortable, at peace happy. I thought of this old man, coming alone, quietly and peacefully coming to the super market just to buy a pack of breads, leaving as simply as he must have come. Though this set may seem sad, the simplicity of the act, and undisturbed peace he seem to have made me feel more human.
Maybe it all culminates to me from the events of the day, and the full strain of my emotions. But I felt happy, for apparently NO reason... and that feels good in the end of the day.

So, soon it will be the post number 200. I'm trying to come up with something very special, though maybe sad, to post as number 200. If it goes as I plan, it should be the second best post I've done here. I look forward to it...

2007-07-04T00:09:00.000-03:00

Taking Cover
Our weird society led us to a life with, for an almost unknown reason, a life more filled with misery, stress and sadness than a happy careless life.
This is widely known, even Douglas Adams made a joke about this in his epic collection.
But still, if you pay attention closely, you may find some strange, and unusual, things in our lifestyle.
I was heading for my car, after a long day in my college where I finished two, somewhat troublesome, programs I had to make. Even knowing I could sleep more at peace at night, my attention turned to the, extremely troublesome and painfully hard, program I'll have to make until the end of the week.
It struck me, not as unusual, but as a memory, something that I knew, and thought I should post. People, tend to put easier, more pressing troubles upfront, so they can hide their disappointment until the unavoidable, boringly annoying trouble can't be delayed anymore. This makes them go longer with a better humor, because they "block out" the trouble in their minds. Of course, some troubles and some people just don't work this way, but this may happen more often than you imagine.
I see lots of people, filling their lives with things to do, just so that they don't stop, and see the real problems in their lives. The ones that they don't want to face.
Funny like we managed to conceal pain with less painful troubles just so that we can keep a smile and positive mood most of the time.
I wonder if this is good?!.

2007-06-30T22:41:00.000-03:00

The Edge Between Extremes.
There is a place, some weird and uncharted place, where extremes meet. Not any extreme, the most common one, happiness versus sadness.
This place, is kind of a fluke, you don't realize when you enter it of even when you leave it. This place, has a thin line, commonly seen in many different places, where two different states are separated only by this line. The difference here is that you have states with such a difference, where they would normally have many states in between and that much lines dividing them.
So I know not how I got there, or how (if) I got out, but there was I.
When I saw that scene, classic happy ending, at the same time I felt that empty feeling like that same ending was missing in my life. So process took me to a familiar place, the tear filled eyes.
As the tears feel, the pain and sadness collided with the warmth of the happy ending, among the chaotic breathing, with the classic running nose, I was crying because I was happy, AND because I was sad.
This, my people, is truly confusing.
Maybe there are more lines between extremes, but this one I've seen in person.