Forbidden Excitement
Yey, ranting month. How I hate this, but at least the month is almost over.
This last month has been a constant reminder that I can't get what I want.
False, that is not entirely true. I just can't get anything that is just important enough to make me excited about it.
I'll dispense some examples, trying to enumerate all that has come and gone in the course of about 25 days or so.
For some time I had been thinking about getting a new car, and saving some money for it. Suddenly (not without warning) my parents get me a new car, close enough to what I would buy. I was enjoying it very much, being very careful with it, and planning the new car sound system. Then came the accident, and with it the destruction of the car. It was so new, I didn't even have time to take it to place the tracker for the insurance company (which I was going to do the next day).
My best friend spent a whole year in Switzerland working on the construction of the Large Hadron Collider, and after so much time he was coming back and I could see him. Of course I was excited, I was thinking about all the games we would play, how he would join the rpg group again. Unfortunately for me, he came the same fatted day of the accident, so I could not go and greet him at the airport, as planned.
I got in touch with some people from a company that developed games. I was very hopeful I could get a minimally decent sallary from them and finally go to work with something I like. turns out I would gain almost the same as the intern sallary, but would have the expenses of living in another city.
For those who know me, I've showed that I don't care much for fancy cellphones. The proof of it is that I have a 6 years old celular, that has no games, no basic visual interface where one could put a wallpaper, it can't take pictures, it doesn't have alarm, you get the picture. I rant a lot saying the phones should do what they are meant to do well. They should call from everywhere, should be able to send text messages and some basic features such as alarms are more than welcome. But everything else is just uneccessary fancyness, that does very little for the owner. No, the pictures will never be as beautiful, it will never store as much mp3, or will have good games as will the respective dedicated devices. The only point anyone has in this is that they now do everything, but with inferior quality. So ok, back to the point. Finally for many circunstances I've been persuaded to buy a new celular. At first I wasn't very happy about it, but seeing a simple model, that could play mp3s as ringtones (the main attraction for me), I was starting to get happy with the idea, thinking about calling my friends without fear of wasting money, and things like this. But two times I went to the store, only to leave empty handed because I didnt have enough documents to set things up. Ironically enough, this is the same service provider my current cellphone uses. I was just trying to go from prepaid, to a postpaid service, and exchange the phone for a new one according to their offers, but keeping the same number.
For two times already, in the two weeks I've been on the new job, I've been programming enthusiatically, finally enjoying a bit of what I do, when I bump into a problem, a bug. But not just any bug, one that makes me lose about 10 hours of work, and have to redo most of what I did. And this only happens when I'm having fun.
Last, and least important. There is this girl on the building where I work. I've asked if we could have lunch together someday, and she smillingly said yes. Eventually we agreed, not firmly I believe, on a day. The day began very nice, I don't think very often that the day seems like a good day. The wheather was nice, there was sun shinning, the train was considerably empty, and all was well. Well, that was it for nice. The rest we spiralling to a sucky day, work was going awfull, she declined the lunch, weather turning bad. You know, I don't expect her to be interested in me, I'd only like to have a nice lunch with someone nice. If she doesn't want to associate with me, fine, say it to my face. But after some days of nice and simple small talk, the day I'm excited about having lunch with someone potentially interesting, is the day she doesn't seem to be interested in giving me any attention.

Full rant written. But there is also the analisys.
Like I said, the chances of me getting something, even the satisfaction from it, is inversely proportional to the excitement I'm feeling about it.
The last girl I was exited about being with brokeup with me before I could celebrate we being together.
The last ending I saw of a game that I had great hopes for turned out to be one of the worst endings I've ever seen.
When I got into the singing class at USP, I got kicked out of the quire because I didn't have the skill needed. Not something unfair, just one more thing that failed when I was into it.
Even in the Smash Brothers Brawl championships I go, whenever I'm exited I just go worse. The one I won, I was so apathic about it that I barely celebrated.
Heck I'd like to find a counter example but it has been so long since I've gotten a good output from something I had high expectations that I can't even track back that far.
Last time I felt this was about 12 years ago when I bought this video game, but since I was in the US I could not play it for the next two weeks of the vacation, so I had to keep reading the game's manual. The thing was so mesmerizing that after a few days I was actually feeling like going back home earlier, because I wanted to play the game, and the trip seemed less interesting. For my luck, the game turned out to be better, and to this day I consider it the best game I have ever played.

It is incredibly costing to live a life where your hopes are crushed without chance. Where you'd better have a life without hope, because only then things turn out better. It is hard.
And I am too damn tired to do it.
I'm really considering taking a timeoff this world. Not the job since I can't take a vacation or anything yet, but from my world. Isolate myself in a caccon of games, food and internet, until I heal a bit... let's see what I shall do.

Staring
- I find myself looking into my past.
- How so?
- I look into the ripples from my past, sense them, observe them.
- Things that happened and changed your life?
- Things, objects. You pick up a piece from your past. Be it abstract as a song, or solid as ring. It is a direct link to your past. You only need to cross the wall dividing mere memory, from a piece of life.
- Sounds difficult. Isn't it dangerous?
- Of course. One's past is always dangerous, but just as much as one's future. The difference is that you can't walk into the other way.
- Why do you stare?
- ...
- ...
- ...
- ... wh...
- Because it holds the only clues I have to find what I've lost. To understand my choices. To pass the time until a better present comes. There are too many reasons to stare. The only thing that makes me look forward is a mixture of fear and repulsion.

The Life is a Toad
So, one day I'm the proud owner of a new car, had the house to myself, was enrolled in a japanese course, going to a free training in Photoshop & Maya, had the perspective of getting a job in the area I wanted.
Suddenly, I'm walking about a mile to get to the train to got to work, not enrolled in the japanese course, not going to the training, and stuck for some months on a job that is quite dull and mindless, not in the area I like, for the next 4 months or so.
No, I did not hit the twilight button or something.
This is all simple reverberations from the accident. I'm still getting used to the new life, considering it all changed in about a week or so.
Last week was really random, some days I had a lift from my boss, other my dad took me shopping for some basic things I would need, like social clothing (ha... imagine me using a social pants and shirt to go to work. Almost seems like a nightmare.), food and to take care of some insurance problems.
I've been throwing around the "I've been in an life changing accident." lately. Not to get sympathy, as this does not seem to strike sympathy. But more to get people to think more before they complain about things.
People from all the places still come to me and say the know people who have brain problems like mine, and that they live under medication, but live a normal life. My parents also keep saying I'll live a normal life. Little they are able to realize that I haven't lived a normal life in quite some time now, and now I'm a lot farther from it. Where did human kind go that saying others are worse than you should make you feel better? Come on, if I'd think that meant something I could always think about african cities that live under wars, people starve, and have to work 16 hours a day from 7 years old, just to make it alive.
The irony, is that some of those people are far happier than me. Not because I am ungrateful, but because happiness varies from person to person. And my life has taken me down a road that is hopeless, in the lack of a better word.
My boss tells me the things he has to organize in order to get some business, how he works on the weekends to keep a contact with a possible contract for us to work. He tells me about the taxes we pay.
In the end he shows the simple things, which I've come to realize a long time ago, but accomplishing has been more than hard, while life sucks, all you can do is enjoy the things you like, because next week it all starts again. He said: "The life is a toad." in a literal and accurate translation. And I find it a perfect description.
This life we are forced to life is more than ugly. Poisonous sometimes. It gets by with weird hops, slimming its way from here to there. But from time to time we find a special gift to make it seem more fun and happy.
There is no way to predict the future. That is what most believe.
Maybe you'll win the lottery next week.
The only thing to do is keep on going. It is either that, or die.
Why worry about life. It is all random chance.
So take your odds. Gamble a bit every now and then. Maybe luck will shine your way.

The Value of a Second
An hour has 3600 seconds. We have 24 hours in our day.
This may seem like a lot of seconds.
A second may seem like such a small fragment of time. And that is why everyone takes it for granted.
But people tend to forget that most important things happen in a split second.
The second has a special property of stretching when appropriate.
You've seen this. Just think back.
That second during a deep breath before making a life changing decision. The instant you gaze upon your love's eyes right before you confess your feelings. The second of the first kiss. The moment you jump to intercept a bullet for someone special.
A second can mean the difference between life and death. You can leave early and avoid a car accident, or be just in time to become part of it.
Every single event in your life is ruled by the seconds leading to it. Either that yellow light you choose to cross, or extra time you take in the morning to wake up.
It is easy to waste a second, but one should learn to enjoy those precious seconds, because you never know when a second will stop your life short, or when that special moment will end. Enjoy those seconds to their fullest. Don't complain about not having more time, because you have just enough, you just keep forgetting.
Everyone forgets.

Impairment
I've avoided it my whole life.
I've lied about it.
I've found ways to circumvent this problem.
But life let me live in peace for too long.
This friday I was in an accident. I had a convulsion, hit the car in front of me, and hit a lamp pole a few meters back.
You see, I have a condition, and even though I take my medicine everyday without fault, my body sometimes has these episodes.
Physically I am fine. The only thing that hurts is my tongue. But since when do I care about the body's condition?!
The thing is, now that even under medication, I had an accident in my car, I'll probably won't be able to drive ever again. I like to drive. And... and I'd just gotten a new car from my parents 8 days prior to the episode.
Now, I face a severely sadder future. I won't have the freedom to have a car and move around. I have no idea how this will affect my future jobs.
Most of the time I think I should not have survived the accident. Things would be easier.
I can't stand people coming to me and trying to convince me that I'm normal, that a huge percentage of the population has the same problems as me.
I guess no one has any idea how this affects me.
And all to think that I've done my best to be a good person. Helpful, caring. In the end, there is no justice in the world. At least not in my life.