Shaken to the Core
I'm to say, I'm always impressed by how unstable, weak, I am.
Most people are, I believe.
It only takes the right amount of words at the right time to throw someone off track.
Of course I may fall easier... after all, I can see the ripples. I see meaning where others see not. I see intentions where only words stand.
Everyday, every decision I plan to make, is followed by a flash. Think of it like this.
You're standing in the middle of a forest, and it is reasonably dark. There are four trails to follow from where you are. Each time you look into a direction, you see a vision as if you chose that way, and were going at a very high speed, with the trees in the path passing really fast. You can't make details of the path, but you can see some of the dangers, some of the challenges.
That is the main feeling of a ripple. When you make a decision, that wave of consequences that leaves you passes all around, changing things.
People like me can sense ripples. I could always tell when something odd was about to happen. I felt the ripple before the event. Now I'm not in the shape to do this.
But I still get shaken by some simple words, and glimpse through the ripples of these words, and follow the trail of meanings and consequences of this sentence, only to be reminded that in the end...
It is strange how we weave shreds of hope. Where we find reason to go on.
It is equally odd, to see a small shred being ripped from you, like a patch on a farmers pants being ripped away.
I know not what is sadder. To have lost, or not feeling too sad about the loss.
It was one of the few shreds I had left.
All because of one sentence.
Maybe I should stop looking into the meaning of things...

Chances
I could hear that sound: "tu-tum", followed by the sound of chains grinding against each other.
Something held back.
Hesitation?
I pushed forward. The sound faded. Or I grew used to it.
Something moved. It did little but to shift sideways, enough for me to feel its presence.
Hope?
The path followed a long way before it came to a trisection.
There was a decision to be made, and not much time about it.
How to decide, when they all seem so different and lead to unknown futures?
It all comes to chance in the end.
We try to analyze the status, I for one usually trail only those with high status, we think about the consequences in the other paths and sometimes we give it to random chance.
I had only one high status path, but it lead towards a road I knew would be a dead end, if it didn't change along the way. And as though it would be a fun path, it did not seem to lead to a good outcome.
The other two were reasonably new, even though I had passed near one of them in the past. None showed much promise and they didn't meet the basic expectations I usually have.
But I took the chance, and went for the most clear, accessible and with high gamble way.
I may regret along the way not having chosen another path, but I would regret it the same anyway. Maybe this will turn for the best.
Contradiction?
But I still believe the path for me lies beyond that huge blanket of water.

Paths
It is around my birthday that I become uncomfortable.
It is the defined time of the year that I become anxious. It's been like this for 110 years now.
Mostly to me it is a reminder of things that are not.
But it's also usually a time of weird things happening.
I'm facing paths.
Weird and unbalanced ones.
Unstable and without promises.
Either way I go, doesn't seem to change much for me. Some seem to lead to enjoyable moments, that may be followed by some regret and pain, while others lead a more familiar and bland path.
It is always the simple gestures that get me.
A kiss, some kind words, or even the slight gift of hope.
Company is usually appreciated, but less important since it is a reflection of a custom in our society.
In the end, I'm left lonely, with a lot to think about. And each day less time to either think of enjoy the stuff I like.
But maintenance must be done... and with it, I must choose paths and products that will result in a better road.
At least I don't put hope in finding a good road anymore. After all, there is now less than 6 years.

Shut Up!!!
Have you ever felt the quiet and unsatisfied urge to raise from your desk and yell "shut up" to someone who was saying something completely, mindbogglingly stupid?
I am proud of knowledge, and arrogant about my attitude. I say this now, because of what I'm gonna tell.
I recently joined this course about computer animation applied to games. The first part of the course encompasses art concepts, drawing, perspective and such things. The classes consist of series of exercises about drawing. And it is not something very serious, so most of the time there are people conversing, be it about the concepts seen in class, asking the teacher about something or plain talking nonsense with a friend.
I remain silent most of the time, placing a witty comment here and there where it seems fit to apply. I prefer the role of observer, as I stated many times, and so I hear what others say, all while trying to make use of the little artistic skill I have.
I first was in the saturday night class. I had an acquaintance there, and people were nice. But sometimes the things I had to hear were just too much for me. Those people are very strong minded, showing opinions without knowledge, or with biased facts. Not to mention, inappropriate topics, such as discussing hentai. Heck, I don't mind it, but there is a place and time to talk about it, and doing so publicaly is not appropriate with people you don't know. I could not restrain myself from thinking "what the hell, I'm I surrounded by 14 year olds?".
Maybe I'm being too uptight. Still, I managed to keep silent.
I changed to the tuesday/thursday class so I could free my saturday, which has proven to be more than precious to me.
This is a change I came to regret. Though I will not change back, there were some inconveniances about it. The first and offtopic was the train is extremely crowded all the way.
But continuing, I've seen one class only in the new group. New people, new talks. Unfortunaly far more stupid topics.
Come on, it has been some time since I've heard this level of stupidity. At one point I really considered getting up and shouting "shut up you ignorant twerp". There seem to be a group of old friends who wouldn't be silent for even a minute. I'd venture to say the brain age of the group was near 10 years old. While the group seemed older, between 15 and 20, their words clearly did not mach their bodies.
The irony of it all. The "leader" of the group, was the one who had a girlfriend there. A beautiful one to. It's not only that I can't get up and yell "shut up", or that I "HAVE" to listen to all the crap, but in the end I don't even get to say that he won't get laid so soon.
I wonder if people are becoming more stupid, I'm becoming more demanding about people and/or I ventured into this weird place of low intellect.

Rocknrolla
This is a great movie.
Really well put together.
The music fits it like a glove.
And the ending is great.
Expectation build up is good.
And the intro music - "I'm a man" from Black Strobe - just won't leave my head. I just want to hear more of it.
If you're not into the type of movie, at least search the music on youtube and see if you like it.

The firefly night.
They say it takes a catastrophe to make us appreciate something in our lives.
I never disagreed but this last one was rather unusual.
There I was surfing the net, and watching the last two laps of the F1 race, when suddenly this lightning strikes in the middle of the rain and blackouts the whole region.
Ok I didn't see the last laps, but heard on the radio the results. Unimportant. After some time and a nap, it was already night and no prospect of getting the lights back.
My parents had things to do, and I much preferred to have something electronic to play with. But nothing. Eventually we hear a strange sound in the street and hoping it had something to do with the repair guys I went outside to see if there was one of those spinning lights from an official car.
It was pitch black. The clouds covered the sky, no lights in some good distance.
That is when I saw. There were an incredible amount of fireflies blinking in my yard, all of them hoping to find a mate. But to me, it was all a light show.
Go fireflies, I hope you find your partners, or whatever the hell works for you.

Poetry
I've been looking into some old poetry.
I was once good at it.
I could rhyme.
Put feeling in a harmonious way.
And say beautiful things to someone.
What makes me sad, is to think that I haven't written any poetry in years. That that part of me is dead, or at least in deep slumber.
I miss those old days.

Tired
Lately I've been too tired to come and post something worthy here.
I just don't feel like looking around for something anymore.
I can only go forward by ignoring what I'm doing and why.
All seems so futile.
Now I only remain tired.
Well no point hanging here, off to the showers and then to bed.

Not Average
I believe in something more.
That is not very new.
I just can't accept that humans are just that. That this world sucks the way it does, and there is no hope of something mystical and interesting for us to discover. There has to be some variable that general sciences forgot to take into consideration.
But that is not the point.
I find that while I lack any explicit power, I have my own set of "powers" the while not so palpable still mark me as not average.
My own perception, about things, people and surroundings is very strong. And so I keep an eye for any person that is out of the average.
Recently I've seen two worthy of mentioning. I still wonder whether they knew about themselves or even about me, but I left quietly, just wondering.
The bus stop brings many different people. It is easy to find someone that get your attention. But this girl had something different. Something nearly invisible. A thin thread. One that extended from her and went lost into the crowd. For some time it seemed to come in my direction, but it changed courses as soon as I noticed it. The thread kept strong with the girl who after some time was moving through the crowd outwards to see if her bus was coming. Interesting how 20 people failed to notice the thread among them, and I sat there far away, just watching the thread to see what it was doing. Of course, I was limited to seeing it whenever the sun reflected in it. At all other times it was completely invisible.
I take the train a lot, during this last month. But I've taken the subway very few times. There are always good and bad things about this. But when it comes to people, both are about the same as in quantity, but only one had this man.
I was going to meet with my friends, so I took the subway, fastest way, and free connection with the train I was already in. When I got to the station, I went underground, and took a right to go to one end of the subway. I've seen many strange things, like people kicking the air, but this guy really got me. It was a brief moment, he was standing the way super heroes pose in stories, head forward, a bit upward, hands in his waist, one leg a bit higher and bent, the other straight. He wore a white coat, like a doctor, or a scientist. Even with no subway passing, his coat fluttered in the wind. I could feel his presence, he stood out. Not many have this aura.
It seems ordinary.
But these things you can only feel.
I can't say it is about faith, but it my faith and that is all that matters to me.

With a little help from my friends.
This song has been haunting me for some time now since the accident.
I have a wonderful remix of it, the kind that makes you jump through the streets wanting to sing it, like in a movie or musical.
Most people know this song from The Beetles, written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney.
It is overall a great song, but I'll focus on one sentence here.
"I get by with a little help from my friends."
This is something really nice to say.
Most people can.
It is interesting how this can be perceived. I went for the more literal interpretation, as in friends actively helping, being nice, doing favors and planning things for you. There was an approach I didn't contemplate about this sentence. Little help, in the REALLY little meaning, can mean the case in which your friends play the role of plain distraction. And I don't mean distraction in an insulting manner.
We need distractions, because our life is a toad. The more we get, the sooner we get to a new place, with new perspectives. So it works as having a nice enough time to go on another day.
We get a distraction to gamble another day.
It is in fact accurate to the song, but a little frustrating if you ask me.
Still in this world, where I barely see the people I like, and I have one distraction that is important with my friends, and I play tabletop games with my boss, that despite the differences is becoming a nice friend, giving advice, and seemingly taking an interest in my life.
Things are weird.
Then again... I'm in no condition to expect more from life.

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 28 ~
"Yesterday I've visited the kingdom of Altenac. It is famous for the science it develops, and a good use of new technologies.
The city had a very interesting layout, though I prefer the more classic kingdoms. One thing struck me as interesting.
I know we all come from different backgrounds, and while I'm a traveling spiritualist, I don't expect people to be all in tune with their spirits. By all means. But these people, strong in spirit or not, they don't seem to have any perception at all about their surroundings.
People from all kinds of places walking hastily through the city, all minding their own affairs. But this was all too quick, no one stopped to greet one another, or even look around.
There I was, walking the street, calmly one step after the other, everyone passing by. No one noticed me, but a few kids who bumped into me at a corner. I'm used to not being noticed, but while I was not, I did notice everyone.
The sir in blue overcoat did not notice the paint almost falling on him from the support at the stair he passed under. The lady in the yellow dress did not notice she nearly bumped into the swordsman carrying a set of new swords, all pointing out. The man in a lab coat was walking and reading a news journal, he didn't even bother to look at the beautiful young girl, with less than usual clothes carving on a wooden side in the middle of the sidewalk. In fact, no one but her boss seemed to notice her. And she did not notice the orlagus walking towards her with wet intentions.
People walk around, oblivious to what happens around them, they ignore other people. It is a weird world this one. I have much to see. I hope my business here does not take long, so I can leave before I become lost like them.
It is still good to feel everyone near me. Thought these troubling times have taken away the fun in feeling their emotions. Specially in this cold town.
~ End of Part 28 ~

Forbidden Excitement
Yey, ranting month. How I hate this, but at least the month is almost over.
This last month has been a constant reminder that I can't get what I want.
False, that is not entirely true. I just can't get anything that is just important enough to make me excited about it.
I'll dispense some examples, trying to enumerate all that has come and gone in the course of about 25 days or so.
For some time I had been thinking about getting a new car, and saving some money for it. Suddenly (not without warning) my parents get me a new car, close enough to what I would buy. I was enjoying it very much, being very careful with it, and planning the new car sound system. Then came the accident, and with it the destruction of the car. It was so new, I didn't even have time to take it to place the tracker for the insurance company (which I was going to do the next day).
My best friend spent a whole year in Switzerland working on the construction of the Large Hadron Collider, and after so much time he was coming back and I could see him. Of course I was excited, I was thinking about all the games we would play, how he would join the rpg group again. Unfortunately for me, he came the same fatted day of the accident, so I could not go and greet him at the airport, as planned.
I got in touch with some people from a company that developed games. I was very hopeful I could get a minimally decent sallary from them and finally go to work with something I like. turns out I would gain almost the same as the intern sallary, but would have the expenses of living in another city.
For those who know me, I've showed that I don't care much for fancy cellphones. The proof of it is that I have a 6 years old celular, that has no games, no basic visual interface where one could put a wallpaper, it can't take pictures, it doesn't have alarm, you get the picture. I rant a lot saying the phones should do what they are meant to do well. They should call from everywhere, should be able to send text messages and some basic features such as alarms are more than welcome. But everything else is just uneccessary fancyness, that does very little for the owner. No, the pictures will never be as beautiful, it will never store as much mp3, or will have good games as will the respective dedicated devices. The only point anyone has in this is that they now do everything, but with inferior quality. So ok, back to the point. Finally for many circunstances I've been persuaded to buy a new celular. At first I wasn't very happy about it, but seeing a simple model, that could play mp3s as ringtones (the main attraction for me), I was starting to get happy with the idea, thinking about calling my friends without fear of wasting money, and things like this. But two times I went to the store, only to leave empty handed because I didnt have enough documents to set things up. Ironically enough, this is the same service provider my current cellphone uses. I was just trying to go from prepaid, to a postpaid service, and exchange the phone for a new one according to their offers, but keeping the same number.
For two times already, in the two weeks I've been on the new job, I've been programming enthusiatically, finally enjoying a bit of what I do, when I bump into a problem, a bug. But not just any bug, one that makes me lose about 10 hours of work, and have to redo most of what I did. And this only happens when I'm having fun.
Last, and least important. There is this girl on the building where I work. I've asked if we could have lunch together someday, and she smillingly said yes. Eventually we agreed, not firmly I believe, on a day. The day began very nice, I don't think very often that the day seems like a good day. The wheather was nice, there was sun shinning, the train was considerably empty, and all was well. Well, that was it for nice. The rest we spiralling to a sucky day, work was going awfull, she declined the lunch, weather turning bad. You know, I don't expect her to be interested in me, I'd only like to have a nice lunch with someone nice. If she doesn't want to associate with me, fine, say it to my face. But after some days of nice and simple small talk, the day I'm excited about having lunch with someone potentially interesting, is the day she doesn't seem to be interested in giving me any attention.

Full rant written. But there is also the analisys.
Like I said, the chances of me getting something, even the satisfaction from it, is inversely proportional to the excitement I'm feeling about it.
The last girl I was exited about being with brokeup with me before I could celebrate we being together.
The last ending I saw of a game that I had great hopes for turned out to be one of the worst endings I've ever seen.
When I got into the singing class at USP, I got kicked out of the quire because I didn't have the skill needed. Not something unfair, just one more thing that failed when I was into it.
Even in the Smash Brothers Brawl championships I go, whenever I'm exited I just go worse. The one I won, I was so apathic about it that I barely celebrated.
Heck I'd like to find a counter example but it has been so long since I've gotten a good output from something I had high expectations that I can't even track back that far.
Last time I felt this was about 12 years ago when I bought this video game, but since I was in the US I could not play it for the next two weeks of the vacation, so I had to keep reading the game's manual. The thing was so mesmerizing that after a few days I was actually feeling like going back home earlier, because I wanted to play the game, and the trip seemed less interesting. For my luck, the game turned out to be better, and to this day I consider it the best game I have ever played.

It is incredibly costing to live a life where your hopes are crushed without chance. Where you'd better have a life without hope, because only then things turn out better. It is hard.
And I am too damn tired to do it.
I'm really considering taking a timeoff this world. Not the job since I can't take a vacation or anything yet, but from my world. Isolate myself in a caccon of games, food and internet, until I heal a bit... let's see what I shall do.

Staring
- I find myself looking into my past.
- How so?
- I look into the ripples from my past, sense them, observe them.
- Things that happened and changed your life?
- Things, objects. You pick up a piece from your past. Be it abstract as a song, or solid as ring. It is a direct link to your past. You only need to cross the wall dividing mere memory, from a piece of life.
- Sounds difficult. Isn't it dangerous?
- Of course. One's past is always dangerous, but just as much as one's future. The difference is that you can't walk into the other way.
- Why do you stare?
- ...
- ...
- ...
- ... wh...
- Because it holds the only clues I have to find what I've lost. To understand my choices. To pass the time until a better present comes. There are too many reasons to stare. The only thing that makes me look forward is a mixture of fear and repulsion.

The Life is a Toad
So, one day I'm the proud owner of a new car, had the house to myself, was enrolled in a japanese course, going to a free training in Photoshop & Maya, had the perspective of getting a job in the area I wanted.
Suddenly, I'm walking about a mile to get to the train to got to work, not enrolled in the japanese course, not going to the training, and stuck for some months on a job that is quite dull and mindless, not in the area I like, for the next 4 months or so.
No, I did not hit the twilight button or something.
This is all simple reverberations from the accident. I'm still getting used to the new life, considering it all changed in about a week or so.
Last week was really random, some days I had a lift from my boss, other my dad took me shopping for some basic things I would need, like social clothing (ha... imagine me using a social pants and shirt to go to work. Almost seems like a nightmare.), food and to take care of some insurance problems.
I've been throwing around the "I've been in an life changing accident." lately. Not to get sympathy, as this does not seem to strike sympathy. But more to get people to think more before they complain about things.
People from all the places still come to me and say the know people who have brain problems like mine, and that they live under medication, but live a normal life. My parents also keep saying I'll live a normal life. Little they are able to realize that I haven't lived a normal life in quite some time now, and now I'm a lot farther from it. Where did human kind go that saying others are worse than you should make you feel better? Come on, if I'd think that meant something I could always think about african cities that live under wars, people starve, and have to work 16 hours a day from 7 years old, just to make it alive.
The irony, is that some of those people are far happier than me. Not because I am ungrateful, but because happiness varies from person to person. And my life has taken me down a road that is hopeless, in the lack of a better word.
My boss tells me the things he has to organize in order to get some business, how he works on the weekends to keep a contact with a possible contract for us to work. He tells me about the taxes we pay.
In the end he shows the simple things, which I've come to realize a long time ago, but accomplishing has been more than hard, while life sucks, all you can do is enjoy the things you like, because next week it all starts again. He said: "The life is a toad." in a literal and accurate translation. And I find it a perfect description.
This life we are forced to life is more than ugly. Poisonous sometimes. It gets by with weird hops, slimming its way from here to there. But from time to time we find a special gift to make it seem more fun and happy.
There is no way to predict the future. That is what most believe.
Maybe you'll win the lottery next week.
The only thing to do is keep on going. It is either that, or die.
Why worry about life. It is all random chance.
So take your odds. Gamble a bit every now and then. Maybe luck will shine your way.

The Value of a Second
An hour has 3600 seconds. We have 24 hours in our day.
This may seem like a lot of seconds.
A second may seem like such a small fragment of time. And that is why everyone takes it for granted.
But people tend to forget that most important things happen in a split second.
The second has a special property of stretching when appropriate.
You've seen this. Just think back.
That second during a deep breath before making a life changing decision. The instant you gaze upon your love's eyes right before you confess your feelings. The second of the first kiss. The moment you jump to intercept a bullet for someone special.
A second can mean the difference between life and death. You can leave early and avoid a car accident, or be just in time to become part of it.
Every single event in your life is ruled by the seconds leading to it. Either that yellow light you choose to cross, or extra time you take in the morning to wake up.
It is easy to waste a second, but one should learn to enjoy those precious seconds, because you never know when a second will stop your life short, or when that special moment will end. Enjoy those seconds to their fullest. Don't complain about not having more time, because you have just enough, you just keep forgetting.
Everyone forgets.

Impairment
I've avoided it my whole life.
I've lied about it.
I've found ways to circumvent this problem.
But life let me live in peace for too long.
This friday I was in an accident. I had a convulsion, hit the car in front of me, and hit a lamp pole a few meters back.
You see, I have a condition, and even though I take my medicine everyday without fault, my body sometimes has these episodes.
Physically I am fine. The only thing that hurts is my tongue. But since when do I care about the body's condition?!
The thing is, now that even under medication, I had an accident in my car, I'll probably won't be able to drive ever again. I like to drive. And... and I'd just gotten a new car from my parents 8 days prior to the episode.
Now, I face a severely sadder future. I won't have the freedom to have a car and move around. I have no idea how this will affect my future jobs.
Most of the time I think I should not have survived the accident. Things would be easier.
I can't stand people coming to me and trying to convince me that I'm normal, that a huge percentage of the population has the same problems as me.
I guess no one has any idea how this affects me.
And all to think that I've done my best to be a good person. Helpful, caring. In the end, there is no justice in the world. At least not in my life.

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 27 ~
"... so why exactly didn't you kill them?
- What is the problem with not killing, you should be more worried if I were out there killing without need.
She look directly at him, one eyebrow up, the other down. Clearly annoyed by that.
- You know I didn't mean it as a bad thing. But since we are at it, my problem is that, despite the fact the killing is far more easy than capturing, what worries me is that we were in danger, nearly being killed, just so we didn't kill them. I don't think it is worth all the trouble, but you seem to have a reason. So I'm asking you to share it.
- I promised myself I wouldn't kill anymore. - A silent moment as he look down to his open hand - I've killed my share already, I don't want to kill without need, and as hard as it may have been, we didn't need to kill anyone today.
He made no effort to hide his sorrow. She noticed it, but she wouldn't understand the magnitude of his sorrow, until much latter.
- We've all got our share of deaths hanging on our heads, and from what we've seen, we are headed to more bloodshed. But you of all people shouldn't be so shaken about the deaths you've caused, specially when the matter is putting a loved one's live at risk.
- You wouldn't understand! - He said raising his voice a bit, and making it more deep. - You never had to face every death you've cause in the eyes, and feel their pain.
She leaned backwards, surprised by his distress. This was not as simple as she first thought, but she got more curious now, about the friendly figure, with the uncharted past, showing off anger, as she never seen he do.
He was right. She didn't know about that kind pain, but she had her own torments, and she didn't want to have his torments causing more pain to the group. She had to pry.
- So what happened to you? I'd like to try and understand if you will let me. Last time I saw you, you didn't have this burden on you.
He sighted.
- Well, when I left on my journey I traveled to lots of different places. After sometime I took the role of hunter, both for bounties, and for treasures. This of course leads you everywhere, and you have to face the most dangerous situations. While I was beginning I did not have the power to capture my bounties without facing some deadly fights, of course most of the time my stealth and agility kept me at bay from danger, but sometimes no stealth can avoid a fight against a strong prey. Even when some of the treasures I found were heavily surrounded by animals and monsters of all sorts, it is difficult to raid without notice. Until I got more power, I had to kill most who threatened my life.
- Self defense, it's natural, you have nothing to blame.
He tightened his muscles for a second. At this point he was annoyed to hear that so many times. He relaxed, as her comment was more than innocent, and as he did he wove his hand drawing upon the power of the shadows to project some image.
- Even when self defense takes place, it is still no reason to kill an innocent being. I didn't know it then. And my crimes went unpunished. Until went for the bounty on this man.
An image appeared from the shadows, it was a silhouette of a not too old man. Low beard, darkish hair, blue eyes, and a fairly tanned skin.
- I went on the request of the king, who had accused him of treason, and developing secret arts against the helm. I passed through his minions, never stopping to count the bodies, I wanted to be swift, and take him before more harm could be done. But I ignored that a master of secret arts would have a very strong power.
The image changed to a statue of a lady holding a scale crossed by a sword.
- "Soul balance, call of judgment" is what he called it, possibly one of the most powerful summoning spells I've seen. It called forth the Keeper of souls, as he presented himself. This entity, along with others of it's species, are responsible for guarding the souls of those who died early, until either the planet is ready for them to return, or until they get resurrected. But he is driven by the souls he carries, seeking revenge on those who killed the souls. The spell was designed to bring this Keeper, so that he would give back the pain that one caused, in the case of the summoning, both the caster and the target, my pray and me.
The image in his hands showed a small girl, covered mostly by a blue robe, dragging in the ground. Only her head and right hand were uncovered, she had very dark straight red hair, and black eyes. On her hand a bird cage, were she held the souls she guarded.
- The fact, is that despite the whole distress and danger he had caused, he killed very little people. Differently from me. I had for a second to feel all the pain I had caused. Those who died for a good reason hurt less, but every innocent monster, which I killed while hinting for treasure, and the few people who were innocently killed by my hand, were...
~ End of Part 27 ~

The sleeping corpse.
Just another day at work.
The weather is out of control these days. Currently the air seems cold, from both the chilly night and the winter air the roams around. And following winter tradition, air is very dry, so no clouds in the sky, only the strong, warming sun.
I'd just gotten to the office from lunch. I walk to my desk, thinking about what should I do to solve my problem, when I glance out the window, just inspecting the landscape and the sunny day. Keep in mind that I work at the second floor (also top floor) of a building that sits on one of the highest grounds on the region, my window faces directly the low part, so you can see far away.
Also, I work in a restricted area, inside a complex, so he is not a hobo. And he also wears something that resembles the cleaning staff uniform.
But you don't have to look far away to take things out of the ordinary, because just low out my window, on a path that would seem to lead from the back of my building to some weird other building a about 25 meters away, on ground, next to a rock the size of a big human head, a human lay down on the ground, perfectly still.
Yes, on the ground rock, in the middle of the path, under the hot-ish sun, facing down and very quite.
Well, what to say, I point out the window, call the attention of my coworkers and say, "Hey a dead body.". They laugh, my joke was well taken, no one seems worried. I o the same routine with my boss, he laughs a bit, and I return to my desk.
The joke to me had ended there, I made a witty comment about the man unusually sleeping in the middle of the road and in the sun, so I think of leaving him to his business and try to return to mine.
But interestingly the joke doesn't fade so easily. People seem to turn back to him from moments to moments and keep up the small jokes and fun around the office. And as the guy does not wake up, we start with more jokes, about the end of days, or zombie movies and such, till someone notices, near the other building, behind the tree, there are two more people laying down.
At some point we notice the people in office one floor under us seems to have noticed the guy on the path. They yell something trying to wake him. No apparent effect.
Someone in our office points that he saw the body move a bit. We take the chance to make more jokes.
I'm switching between work and the guy, so eventually I notice that he really did move his legs.
So I let the joke die. Until someone starts to walk on a higher level path, as to get closer to the body and start to call for his attention.
Of course eventually the flips over his head, looking to his inquisitor, and they talk for some time.
We knew the guy was just sleeping.
But come on, it is pretty weird to see a guy, sleeping in the ground, under the sun, near a rock bigger than his head. Good laughs.

Maintenance.
Yeah, I've been neglecting the blog.
I had some troubles getting my hours straight since I had a new computer to install.
So today I'm doing full scale maintenance. Deleting doubled mp3, mp3 that I don't like, filing every song into it's appropriate folder. I'll be doing this this weekend.
It is fun to see some old and forgotten things.
I hope I can do it all in two days.

When I finish I'll probably have more time, so I can resume a more regular posting.
Until then...

A New Step
Time passes.
People go on forward.
Birds migrate.
New people are born.
And finally...
FINALLY!!!
I graduate from college.
Of course my diploma hasn't come out yet. But at least I don't have to study anymore. No more worries, no more late studies.
Now I get to come home and do whatever I want.
And as I said, I'm trying to catch up on things that are important to me.
But these two last weeks have been a little busy, with going out, and preparing for the championship tomorrow.
Well, back to training.

A Shaking Message
It is impressive how humans can be so shaken by something so simple.
Maybe it is just me then... who knows.
I got this message, pretty simple, nothing forward. But for some reason I'm captivated, mesmerized. I want to know who sent it.
I was already leaving when I got it, so I left.
But part of my mind stay behind.
I should have at least answered it, or maybe stayed a while to see who sent it.
After my evening plans, as I was heading home, I kept thinking I should have went back, to see if the sender was still there.
But I went home.
How can this unimportant event bestow such regret on me? After all, it meant nothing, and nothing has changed for me. So why do I care so much?
I guess this goes for everyone.
I guess that deep down, when we feel like this, it is because we know that there could have been a great outcome. We know that we rejected not a single event, but a potentially huge opportunity.
I can believe that part of us, the uncharted, spirit linked, unconscious part knows what is best. Before any other relevant piece of information is brought into the picture. We know that going left is better than right, even when we don't know what is on each side, but we have the natural ability to choose a different path. But very often we feel that we should have done things the other way around, like we felt like, but we listen to logic, which clouds the mind against this precognition we have. But this is what I believe, and of course, it isn't easy to follow your instincts, even when you believe in them.
But still, I'm impressed how much I'm hung up on this.
Maybe next time, I'll stick around to see what my future holds. After all every one should do one thing, every day, that scares them.

An old debt
My honor compels me.
I've wrong in the past.
And others covered for me.
People who should not have paid,
and yet felt like it was their obligation.
Now, as things have changed.
My plans delayed.
I can shift my priority.
And give new purpose for the money stored.
As of now, I'm settling this debt.
One which was never asked for.
One no one knew about,
only me and my code of honor.
Tears for acceptance.
For the unexpected surprise.
Now it begins.
The money shall return,
to those who deserve it.

Differences
I'd like to point that most people don't pay half the attention to things they should.
On the same note, about half the time someone pays attention to something they are just over thinking about some criticism about the detail.
No examples will be given as it is not the point here.

Having fun doesn't mean you are doing what you want, or prefer, right?! But even if you have fun, that only reflects part of you. Unless, of course, the part reflected is that inner self, the true self. Then there is probably little that would be better.

I'd like to say I'm an hypocrite for laughing when I'm feeling annoyed. Not that I laugh to hide my annoyance, but because there was something genuine to laugh, but my true self felt that I should be doing other things.

That is my only frustration about RPG. Not the activity, but the people involved. While I know most people in the table enjoy the game, and are there to have fun, each one has a particular reason within the RPG to it. It bothers me that maybe I'm one of the only one interested in developing the story, the character, seeing how he will live and what he will become, seeing the adventure turning into something worth of being a movie, or a book, with deep characters, and action filled story.
If you ask most people they probably will say that that is their reason to play. But actions speak louder than words, right?! While I have fun with each joke, and of course I'm part of it, I feel that the more we joke around the less into the game everyone is.
Some people are there, paying more attention to the loved one nearby, (yes I find it annoying, and you may not believe it, but it is not because I don't have my respective loved one there). While each one has no obligation to pay 100% attention to the game, when you ask for the description a second time, three times during the session, you are just no into it, and of course disrupting the flow.
Comfortable places to play may seem to me as a poison depending on the group, as 2 hours in the game, people are starting to lay down, sleep... Of course, this goes by many factors. If someone is sleeping in a stone stair, on the cold ground, then it is not a problem of attention, but a need to sleep. While much more understandable, people should not be this tired in the game, specially when they agree/suggest/prefer the time which the game is played. (Exceptions are exceptions, so a 2-hour night sleep, because of work/study/party, is an exceptions, as it should occur very rarely.
Some people play to be with people. This is technically not a problem. Well, no one plays because they want to be alone. But when you play because it is either that of being alone, meaning that you don't like to play, you do it because it is the only good alternative, then you will end up slowing the game down. Or you would be a GOD to play perfectly a game you dislike.
I even hate myself, because all hatred I surround myself in leads to a lot of unnecessary jokes during game play. While some are funny, I don't really hold back on them, and end up disrupting the game even more.

Sometimes I think I live up to friday nights, (the sacred RPG day), after all I think about the RPGs during the whole week. Of course I don't think about it all the time, but it is one of the few things I do naturally with determination. I study, develop, create. I do it during classes, when driving, when cooking, in the shower. (ok, I'm not geek enough to think about RPG during sex)
I'm filled with megalomaniac plans about RPG.
But with some many troubles, fridays are not that much fun... it is the best thing I could do, and wouldn't stop it for anything. But taking into account the stress to organize things, the get everyone ready to begin, losing hours you could play when people are still awake, and heavier than these two, that fact that you take six hours of the real world, to do nearly nothing in the game, with infinite distractions, interruptions, and the end you see everyone leaving your house, and you quietly go around the house, putting everything into other, reflecting on how much time was wasted, and how you wanted to play the part you never got to because everyone wanted to stop, you feel that bitter sad taste. I want to call it failure, frustration, anger or even deception, but it is so many things it is hard to put in words.
RPG has become like an expensive sweet candy with and awful aftertaste. It takes a lot to get, it is nice while it lasts, but in the end you suffer more.
People, even within a common ground, are so different from each other. And ironically, no one pays attention to this kind of thing, the kind that could make a significant difference.
Maybe this is all frustration because I never got to finish one of my campaigns, but I say I'd just like to meet someone that shares deeply the same interest and view about RPG. I feel so lonely at the table.

The price of peace.
- Oh wise one, are you in peace? - Inquired the girl sitting on the bench beneath the red tree.
- Peace is very personal feeling, but at this very moment I could say I am. - He answered looking past the blue tree, into the mountainous horizon.
- So, sometimes you are not at peace?
- You seem surprised. - He stopped for a moment, but she only shifted her eyes from place to place, searching for an answer to a question not made. He went on. - Peace is not something eternal, or a final state of mind. It is like every other feeling, it comes when the time is right, and it goes away without warning. Being at peace is like a country in peace, life is easier, better, people suffer less, but one day a monster, or a mad man, attacks the country, and with the war, peace goes away.
- And how do you achieve peace? - Her eyes dropped to the ground, where she swept the dirt of the ground with her shoe.
- Well, peace is something very costly. It depends on what are you willing to spend to have it. Mainly peace depends of what peace means to you. Peace may be found in the destruction of something, by enjoying a beautiful landscape or even fishing with someone dear. Primarily, you choose what you are willing to spend to achieve peace.
- But... what exactly could be spent that way?
- Well, time is the most common, since anything you do will require some sort of time. Additionally emotions are something that can usually hinder your peace, so taking care of them is something you might need to achieve peace. You may need to sacrifice some emotion, or regain another, it depends only in yourself. I've seen people sacrifice friends, lovers and even family, of course I mean they've cut relationships with those people, not killed them. But it is not unheard of people who did take a life to go for peace, be it by revenge, or be it by taking their own life.
He walked calmly up to the middle of the courtyard, he looked back to her over his shoulder.
- The quest for peace is a most complicated one. Only you can trail your path, and only you know which path leads to it. The only true advice I can give you is, while on your path, try not to mess with others', but I would still say, don't worry too much about reaching some sort of peace, you may find that after so much trouble, it only lasts for a little time. It is better to enjoy the walk towards a possible peace, then run all the way to it, and lose yourself on the way.

It is all about memories.
"On one hand, painful memories can sometimes help one grow. On the other hand, joyful memories can make one look only backward and forget about moving forward."
True.
It is nearly impossible to expect a life with no bad recollections, but I can't imagine a life void of troubles in our world.
One can isolate oneself as much one wants, but in the end there will come a time to face an unpleasant world.
This may sound sad, but its not the impression I want to give.
You see, to be happy no one needs a life without bad memories. Bad memories serve to learn lessons, to prepare. The longer you keep without experiencing anything bad the greater are the chances of something happening.
But happiness does not reside in the lack of bad memories, but in the presence of good ones. Any moment one should be able to hold on to a good memory, and draw power from your experiences to press on forward into life.
And of course bad memories are not 100% bad. Being able to recall on something bad and see a positive side, or a lesson learned, is the mark of a happy life.
Memories are a basic and necessary part of our lives. They are there to remind us of what is important, of things that are not to be done again and to keep safe the occasional inspiring words one may need on the course of a rough day. They are forgotten, sometimes remembered, sometimes so strong no force can separate it from one's soul.
But a balance must be kept at all times. Drowning in a great memory is as easy as falling into the darkness of the bad memories. One must avoid being overwhelmed by the stronger memories. If you know a formula to do this, share with me.

Dual Blooded
- So, I don't get the difference.
- You will when you grow older, you are probably also Dual Blooded.
- Then explain to me know what does that change for me.
- Well primarily you have two different blood types flowing through your body.
- Ok, go on.
- Not much I guess. I can say that you normally use your main energy, from your primary bloodline, in our case, human. But the energies are separate, so you can deplete your human reserve and retain energy, but then you risk tapping into the other's blood power.
- You make it sound like it is something bad.
- It is. At least if you don't know how to control yourself. The second blood usually has a more primitive nature, since you raise it in an unnatural environment and never gives it any attention. So tapping into it may result on some sort of frenzy.
She stared a bit whiter than before, considering whether that could turn to worse in her life. Only after some moments she thought about what that meant about her brother.
- What is our second blood? Have you been through this sort of frenzy?
- You can't have that information yet, is is not good for you.
- You can't seriously keep that a secret now.
- When you are ready I'll tell you, and you can try asking mom or dad, but they have no idea about our dual blood. - He came closer, and passing his hand in her hair, messing it up, he said - Besides, our second blood brings up a more bestial form, so to speak. You wouldn't want to undergo a temporary metamorphosis. And yes, I did, and fortunately I've learned how to tap into that power, without it taking over me. When you are older, I'll help you control it to.
- How do I know this thing won't take over me before that.
- Just stay out of trouble, and don't get too hurt, and you may live a full life, without touching your second blood.

See... no? Then feel.

He skipped a heart beat.
one less breath taken.
He then felt forsaken
looking from a far away seat.

Life meant even less.
Failure seemed eminent.
Faded the glow of the bless.
No fun, or entertainment.

Her face from the past.
Emerged perfect, delicate.
Oh the wish to meet her fast.
Wasn't enough to medicate.

He needed more time,
or maybe just a rhyme,
for his friends to atone,
to find happiness alone.

Desperate and weak,
no will or reason to live.
Into the night to seek,
the end to get relief.

Perception
- What?!!! I am overreacting?
- Yes.
- Then think about what happens when someone YOU like as you out, how do you reply? Now think about the same situation, but your friends are asking you out. Now tell me... what the hell does it mean when you refuse any invitation to go out with someone?
- But...
- To me the message is clear. In the end it doesn't matter what you say, but what you do... now get away from me.

Humans & Laws
Is everything a direct consequence of being a sapient being?
Any species with self-awareness, the ability to communicate and retain knowledge will eventually form a society. And as a consequence will eventually create laws to protect people?
I'd like to say, "Hey, laws are great, they serve the purpose of maintaining order.", but I can't lie like that. Having laws mean nothing for society without a better judgment and well enforced application of the law. But none of those reflect our world.
We live in different, but world sharing, societies. This leads to conflicts in beliefs and interests. While one land enforces her practices over others, other nations cast a shadowy look of disapproval, while at the same time, doing little to enforce their own beliefs.
Of course, if everyone tried to push their believes over others, wars would never cease. But technically laws are there to avoid this... avoid abusive power over others, not wars. Wars as a abstract confrontation with or without violence is unavoidable, but we can prevent large scale conflicts using common laws that should go through out our race, not our lands.
The problem with everything is that few places really enforce their laws, leading to corruption, because in the end, when pushed against the wall, 99,999999% of all living beings will only look for their own interests, (being of course in case of most animals, their own life).
While we can pretend there are places where laws are actually enforced, there is still the problem of whether the laws make sense. Because, no one will agree to ALL laws they are faced with in the land they live. We vary so much in opinion that we can't simply find a common ground. And there are still people who will say that no matter your opinion, the laws are there for the BEST of people's interest in mind. Like there could exist such a thing as the best of people's interest. Law systems are plainly flawed, and we don't care because we don't feel the obligation to abide by them, unless under direct supervision by someone who will enforce the law up our sorry asses.
In case you are wondering, if you have more than a certain age (let's say 20 years old), you most surely have already broken AT LEAST one law. Haven't you played a game forbidden to your age? Downloaded an mp3 you had no right to download? Have you ever looked deeply into your traffic laws, because I'm sure there are infinite stupid things to break the law there.
Laws represent something good, but in our world, it has become a 18000 headed monster. Ever looked into, say a microwave, and seen a warning, DO NOT PUT ANIMALS IN THE MICROWAVE? Well, what leads to such a warning? The fucking law actually is on the side of people without any common sense (this is a really bad expression in the english language, is means "sound and prudent judgment based on a simple perception of the situation or facts", but this is something that the common person DOES NOT HAVE. In Brazil we use the directly translated Good Sense.). Back to the subject, the law grants people who do stupid things the preference over people that used "good sense". Manuals all over are filled with stupid sentences, that simply defy all logic, to protect companies from people ill intended.
This way we end up with lots of laws that seem stupid.
Recently I hear the new snow patch on the snowball. Somewhere (I didn't get the place, but it seemed that is was either US or UK) they are trying (or actually did, I'm still not certain) to create a law prohibiting the possession of a kind of pornography. Of course, this came from a desperate parent, who lost a child to some weird lunatic and had nothing better to do than find some reason to explain why someone killed his child and found this sort of porn as an excuse.
You all recall that fucking kid that grabbed some guns and fire inside a movie theater, and because he had played shooting games, people believed that the cause for his actions was rooted in the violent games. Oh COME ON, stupid shrinks!!!!! This was a minor set back for the industry. And in the very same way, this will ripple badly through porn industry, and affect many innocent people.
What I find flawed is that while there was a peaceful existence with things that are now illegal (example, the kind of porn) for many years. Upon ONE incident, (or statistically a very low number of incidents), they feel that disturbing the lives of many, because of one persons fault, is justified by "avenging" an angry parent.
A death of a dear one is always tragic, but taking it out on people who had nothing to do with it is just wrong.
Here the legend goes that RPG were prohibited some years in the past because a crazy vampire player actually KILLED a girl during one of his sessions.
Yet they believe that playing video games, rpg and watching porn is something bad, or that can lead to violent behaviors. That all considering that television news are more than packed with violence, and death. And with some countries waging wars with terrorism as an excuse.
People don't understand that the laws should keep humans from interfering with other people's lives in a bad manner, but instead most laws just fuck up most innocent people, because some delinquent had not the control over his temper. The guy is never a crazy serial killer, noooo, he always had an abusive parent, or painful childhood. Newsflash, many people have those, and very few manifest those scars in such a bad manner. People so like to believe that humans are plainly good and that things corrupt them, but no one is born good or evil, we are all born with both inside of us. (We shall ignore for the sake of argument that there is NO such thing as good or evil)
Whenever you make a decision, simply do the right thing. Think how your action will affect others, if it may cause pain to someone, then don't do it (with personal exceptions, you should not sacrifice yourself for someone else's sake, unless you want to).

Laziness & Short Attention Span
Ahhh the chance to choose whether to go, or not, see a class. A dream come true. But yet, a nightmare in practice. At least to me.
Nothing like battling against your bed in winter. To bad I lose frequently.
In my defense I tell myself that I'm doing a rather exhaustive weekly schedule, considering work, college, and learning a new language.
So, I'll see if I can survive this easy, but completely full semester, and as soon as it ends, I'll get some free time.
But then again, if I don't program myself, free time becomes useless, I'll just skip it, and I don't want that.
So here are my future plans, for as soon as I graduate from college.
Once a week, dedicate my afternoon to honing my skills with 3D modeling. Probably I should learn how to use blender, but at first I'll keep on with 3DStudioMax.
Once a week, dedicate my afternoon to programming the grand system. This should be more than natural to me ^^. But I must apply myself not to lose too much time doing stupid things.
Once a week, go see a movie. At least once a week. With or without friends, this probably could be substituted by a night out with friends.
Once a week, seriously prepare for the next rpg session. Spend hours planning ahead of the group, generating stores, designing dungeons (this could be allied to the 3D modeling project), creating monsters and NPCs. Or even working on tools to help this creation (allied to the grand system).
Well, friday I should play rpg, which would basically take another day off my schedule, but then again, I can dilute things around and find the time to do this. Once a week, spend time working on my book, so it can finally go on.
Well, if I find the time, I'd like to finish some pending books. And manga, and Anime.
Play video game on spare time.
And that should be that.
I'll try to keep up that in the future, and of course try to post here more frequently.

The art of Game Music
Being an avid fan of video games, part of the whole experience comes from the music.
I've posted many songs here that really meant something to me. But as this place is limited to words, I've put only songs that had lyrics. At best I may have mentioned some songs that had no vocal at all (like Destati - Dive into the heart, that has a chorus, but no lyrics).
When video games began, little audio could be produced by them, having limited audio channels it was difficult to create a melody. But even so, that did not keep the major artists from achieving immortality. Mario, Sonic, Zelda and many other games whose music will live on for many years to come if not forever. Latter, video games achieved more audio channels allowing better songs and sound effects. This now represents musics that were award winning, and seemed more like something out of an orchestra. Now a days we can put mp3 into games, so we can produce any kind of songs we desire.
One thing that is interesting to observe about the general public. They will listen to rock, samba, jazz, swing, pop, black and even funk. But show them a song that is from a game, and they will criticize like hell. But recently I heard this new cd from a radio station that my friend got as a gift. If you took the lyrics out, that song was left with a two instruments beat, with no more creativity than the worse songs in video games. What made those songs top hits? Their lyrics.
Sure, lyrics are important, but not essential. Therein lies the beauty of video game soundtracks. The skill it takes to put emotion into a scene, or a moment, without using words, is as great as creating a historical melody. Doing so with limited tools, is worthy of recognition.
It requires this artistic mind to see the art within songs without lyrics. I love this band, Rhapsody, and in most of their CDs they put some songs with no lyrics. The ones with lyrics represent great progressive rock songs, but the ones without are the ones that set you into this medieval ambient. Same goes with games, a song without words, is no less artistic than one with, but it surely has to have a great artist behind to pass such vivid sensations without describing them.
I feel bad for the composers, both kinds, but specially the ones that compose for video game, since they'll be less credited for their creations. I believe they don't care, they sure shouldn't worry what the world thinks of them, but I'm greatly thankful for all the heart they put into their creations, for I believe they give much more emotion than most top hit songs.
I believe they are true artist, some of the greatest there ever were, and their names should not be forgotten.
People should learn to appreciate more types of art, or at least respect the others.

~ The Adventurer Chronicle 26 ~
"... metal rang upon impact. The force was unexpectedly strong. Not only strong but fast enough to connect against such precise dodge movement. The sword flew across the room, hitting awkwardly the wall. He stopped on a pillar half the way to the wall, and fell to the ground.
"Falling into a trap is one thing, being out bested by it is another thing." - he thought trying to regain his breath.
Many meters away, the others seemed to be in the same kind of trouble. Cid's lance barely scratched the foe's armor, while Selina's spells seemed more than effective, she could not get the break to cast them.
The metal arm swung wide, and Cid jumped high into the air just barely avoiding it. That did not stop the construct from attacking, throwing some of the knives it had for long distance strikes. Airborne creatures tend to have difficulty avoiding attacks, of course, that does change is you have wind on your side. Cid deflected some of the projectiles with his lance, and using wind blades he threw the rest out of the way, while he dove to strike.
He trusted the lance forward, aiming for the chest, but the metal arm intercepted the blow. Of course, this kind of attack is usually strong enough to break most defenses, in this case you and up with a construct with a spear lodged into his right arm. That makes a gentle twist of the arms throw Cid far away, without his lance.
Selina kept dodging and parrying around, but each parry threw her back some meters and were quite exhausting, considering mages have very little endurance.
Every time she used her powers to teleport away from the golem it just charged for her, throwing its knives whenever she tried to cast something.
She managed to cast a tremor spell, throwing the creature of its balance.
They say, whenever something major is about to happen, or when something important is about to suffer, the great warriors take a really deep breath instinctively and calmly look around, and see in a slow motion like experience, all the little things falling into place leading to that significant event.
She took that deep breath. Cid landed on his hands and feet gliding a few meters away. His enemy charged right past her going to face her unarmed friend, but what caught her sight, right in front of her, past the trembling golem, Maelstron in the floor, trying to get up, and the golem, swinging a sword right at him. As she sprung forth, building up energy, her body yelled "Nooooo!!!!!" against her will. She had to get past the first golem, but she was too close to do this safely, and yet she did not stop. She whispered to herself softly "Dimensional Portal" as the new image in front of her projected the the area in front of the pillar where Maelstron was, facing the golem, she ran as fast as she could, but the golem who had just recovered his ground did not wait mercifully for her, it trusted the not so thin piece of metal he called sword forward in her direction, the blade barely made it through the portal where she disappeared, but the blade was covered in blood.
Space, being opposite to Time, does not provide the most helpful hand when going from one place to another in an instant of time. But she needed more time or she would just get there to be hacked in two. She needed time to pull a barrier of some sort. "But how?" she asked herself trying to focus through the pain. Good thing about pain, it often leads to rage, and that can be the source of much greater power. The amulet. He had given it to her for a reason, the shield shaped, with a feather like pattern amulet she wore so dearly around her neck.
On the other side of the portal, Maelstron was still confused about the bashing, he thought he felt a burst of energy, he thought he heard someone yell "Grand Shield", but what brought him to his senses was the drop of blood that hit his cheek. He looked upward, his eyes opened wide, his pupils dilated, and as he gasped deeply he held his breath in fear.
The golem held its sword firmly pushing downward, a bright blue light emerged from the wing shaped shield that manifested in its way, holding the sword still. Behind the shield, the soft and gentle face from Selina, showed off more anger and pain that he had ever seen in her, she held one arms straight forward projecting the shield, and the other trembled as she held the pendant. Beneath the trebling left arm her waist was bleeding fast, through this wound that seemed to have cut her half way through. Her cloak and robes were completely red on the left side, and were dripping from every corner.
He wanted to yell "No!", but his body did not respond. The shocking sight brought up memories. In the slow paced scene that he so helplessly observed, he thought of an infinite number of situations, of how he could have avoided this, on how it all began.
He thought of drawing that sword. But his instincts held him back. Bow, pistols, daggers. He had nothing that was more powerful than his sword. His mentor used to say, "Your weapons, are not your source of power, but you are the source of power of your weapons. They can be of help, but eventually it all comes down to how you use them, and how powerful you are.".
He was not strong, but was considerably fast. But much more importantly, he had learned how to use his own power very well. He..."
~ End of Part 26 ~

NO
No car
No sound
No money
No love
No company
No knowledge
(No items, Fox only, final destination)
No conversation
Nothing important
No time (ha!!! like anyone has)
No will
No

We use this word too much. Of course we only feel it is effect when we stop do think about it, but no is a very strong word. It represents the contradiction, the denial of one's wish. It binds every time a bit more as one hears it.
This is a sad word.
I'd like to stop using it.

Infection and Thoughts
This past week I've had a stomach infection. I don't know the source of the problem.
It's been many more years than I care to remember since I last had something of this magnitude.
Somethings turn in a weird fashion.
One would expect that with this sort of infection, one would layoff some foods and drinks that are usually considered unhealthy, while focusing on healthy things.
Instead, some of the most natural and healthy things I eat dropped right of the selection, while one of the most common things I drink, which is not healthy, and some junk food like things I often have, were actually recommended.
This serves more as a reminder that no matter what seems logical, or expected, someone out there will still do their best to surprise you.
Of course, not going to work or college, and even sacrificing social events, all to heal one's body, leads to a lot a excess time.
I did sleep my share. And tried to do somethings more productive. In the end, I mainly skipped through the week.
Saw some anime. Read some manga. Watched TV.
But my mind will not skip time, and nor will my heart sleep through the ages.
So I did spend some time thinking about many things.
I really want to post more often here, but this semester is going to be very hard, and it barely started.
But on one notice, I'll try to follow the steps of Mary Schmich on her publication in the Chicago Tribune, and try to put wisdom into words. Maybe I can find the words fo move in the same way.

A Break Within the Storm
Rain fell heavily. Roads went wet, but not flooded, good for anyone passing through it.
The air got colder, maybe a good change from those hot days.
Clouds formed from everywhere, each one darker than the previous one. Flashes on lighting tore the sky into fragments of an already chaotic image.
Winds were strong. But not constant, they shifted from side to side, making the rain dance by it's will. Only lightning seemed to not care about wind. Even the sound of lightning got mixed up with the roaring wind.
Swirling figures in the sky, twisting and twirling with the nearly black clouds, brought only turmoil to the scene.
One could guess that a hurricane would join the symphony of chaos to help destroy the landscape. But no... not there... there couldn't be a hurricane there...
At least that's what everyone thought.
Only a small push away, the only thing needed was the right amount of energy in the right direction.
Everyone drew a long deep breath. They stared quite silently, not a single breathing to be heard, just waiting for the worse. We all expect the worse.
Then, it happened, like an ordinary event, of an seemingly ordinary day. Right on that damp road.
The storm broke.
Quickly... VERY quickly.
It was like all clouds burst away from a center.
And every heard the reason.
Where was once those roaring winds, thundering lightnings and splashing rain, now was the sound of one music.
All my friends.
At one moment, every little piece of the sky fell into place, just as if to hear this song.
Or maybe it was the power of the song.
No one knew.
But all of them listened.
And they felt it.
Not very often to see a music break through such a storm and bring peace with it.
But peace is as fleeting as the song that brings it, and the same way it came with the music, it also went away with the music's end.
And the storm continued from where it left, weaker from the break, happier for the pause.
Even nature will open way for a song in the right place, in the right time.

The Value of a Dream
Among lots of thoughts, and inner discussions, I said to myself, in a special context which is not important, "at least that way I get to dream".
Not the most insightful sentence in the world.
But looking deeply, it is more meaningful than it looks.
Children are special, in many different ways. One very important one is that they dream about their future. So many untapped potential, just waiting to be molded by their desires and dreams.
Yet so many adults like us face a life without dreams. They may be happy, have a good job, a loving family. Even may look like everything is fulfilled. But one little variable wasn't taken into account.
Ever questioned why did we go to the moon when we should try to save our planet? Or why small groups of people try to fight against a system that could not care less about them? Why does the hero go far and beyond, face horrible dangers and traps, slay foul beasts just to save a (Not necessarily cute) princess?
Because they dream of accomplishing something far greater than reality. Because we dream to discover something special, because they dream of making a difference, and because he dreams of finding a fair and gentle princess who will love him.
We like to joke that women drive this world forward. We say men only build the things they did, or do stupid, unnecessary things for one reason. To impress females.
Of course we know it is a joke. (with some truth behind it)
But I honestly believe that everything that is more difficult is being done for the sole purpose of fulfilling dreams. We see so many scientists who work like slaves, countless hours, overtimes, with little or no perspective of discovering something significant in their fields, but they still do it with passion, just for the odd chance of making this simple, yet powerful, dream come true.
Probably, one of the saddest things I've seen in my life was a person without dreams. Someone who gave up on life in a way that they have no will to fight, reason to wake up. That is the lack of dream. Not that they don't have dreams, they dream of a day when things may be better, but that dream is so unreachable that they don't go for it, it is not that important.
Dreams are the only reason why we fight without taking odds into account. Why would a human fight a dragon, that is suicide, but yet, dream of greatness drives them forward into the lair of the beast.
That is what makes most children so special.
Dreams are something fragile and precious. Just be careful not to break anyone's dream. That is a most vile crime.

Nobuo Uematsu ~ The Greatest Composer ~

Audi famam illius.
Solus in hostes ruit
Et patriam servavit.
Audi famam illius.
Cucurrit quaeque tetigit destruens.
Audi famam illius.
Audi famam illius.
Spes omnibus,mihi quoque.
Terror omnibus,mihi quoque.
Ille
Iuxta me.
Ille iuxta me.
Socii sunt mihi.
Qui olim viri fortes
Rivalesque erant.
Saeve certando pugnandoque
Splendor crescit.


I have heard of his rumor.
He alone rushed into his enemies
and saved his homeland.
I have heard of his rumor.
He ran across the lands and everything he touched was destroyed.
I have heard of his rumor.
I have heard of his rumor.
He gave everyone hope, as he gave me.
He gave everyone fear, as he gave me.
He is now...
next to me.
He is now next to me.
My allies are with me.
My allies, who were once heroes
and old enemies, are here.
As they fiercely competed and battled
their splendor grew!

This song requires no introduction.
And it means more than most songs to me, as it also is the most important song to enter my life in ages.
I would one day like to meet him, he made me feel at peace so many times, I'd like to thank him.

A small log... just to say somethings I can't say to anyone...
Tostiche, respect--
The Spiderwick Chronicles, respect++
Moved by evil, torn by good. Who'd have guessed that my good side was going to kill me.....
I fail... I'm not good at anything...
The cake was not technically a lie.
No, I'm not alive, not that you care.
It's been too long... I miss that feeling... I even miss the pain it caused...
Indeed, it is much harder to go on when you have no reason to wake up the next day, or an objective to fight for.
I wish for a silent eternal night.
Juno is a great movie.
Asuna, Rosette, Saber, Tia, Sakura... I'll remember your pain so long as I live, as a reminder of the good things to fight for, and those who fought for it
I'm tired. I'm so tired, Selan. Let me sleep for a while next to you.
I'm so sorry my companion cube...
Square and Disney make a phenomenal combination.
And so does Square and Nintendo.
Masahiro Sakurai, congratulations.
Lumas are great.
No one to share this with.
I don't want to wait six more years.
109 years old is a lot, don't you think.
Three seals aren't enough to keep my soul under check.
I'd rather be lonely alone, than lonely surrounded by other people.
Yes, it does bother me to see so many couples in the mall, and to see couples kissing...
One side does not care about sex (even thought it enjoys it), the other wants so badly to experience new things...
I don't walk like an egyptian, but I do like the song.
I still want to buy that sword for him.
And that telescope for him.
And that plush for her.
I will someday buy the things I want.
For your own safety, all communication services have been suspended.
Japanese is a hard, (and fairly stupid), language, but I still want to learn.
I miss you three.
I still hope the RPG will proceed and conclude well in time.
I have five important books to read, none of them which I have the time for.
I do waste lots of time in unimportant things.
But then again I must admit, I don't see anything important to spend my time on.
You can call me cheap, but I do spend a lot of money on things that matter, too bad I don't have enough....
I know the meaning of life, but I wont tell you.
Yes, 42 IS the answer.
Nothing beats bad luck.
No one has worst aim than a vogon.
There are NO snakes on the plane ~.~
Yes, I do believe in Dragons.
One day the world economy will collapse, and the world will suffer one of the greatest crisis since dawn of civilization. Don't say I didn't warn you.
(Almost) Everyone loves my dog... the poor thing is as stupid as a door.
No one regrets nothing.
You do NOT look as fat as you imagine.
Blah blah blah.
Yes, my internet SUCKS =P.
Brawl, is a fucking awesome game.
John Williams is STILL the man.

End of log...

Coin Attraction
It took some time, I wanted to hold it in my hands.
Stare at it for all its beauty, and feel all the meanings involved.
To most, it's a simple object, without any considerable value. I could consider it the proof of a conquest, not a worthy conquest, but the prize for stepping up to a challenge, and seeing it through the end.
Saying like that makes it sound more like a consolation prize =P.
In the end, it should mean more to me.
As my life, and all the webs that form my devious mind, are all formed by links, some strong, others weak... but memory links. It is how a simple scent can jog up the memory of your childhood adventures into the kitchen while someone baked something delicious, or may remind you of a person important to you, by the perfume they used to wear.
This coin, has more to it to me than anyone can guess by looking.
It has so many memories attached to it, all of them recent enough to be still printed in the dark corridors of the labyrinth that is my mind. May they be sound, great melodies discovered by experience, or even the feeling it felt at some point in the fun of my recent past.
I could hold it all day.
I wish I could bring it everywhere with me. But as the memories and bonds tighten each time I look at this round thin object, I fear for my incompetence.
It has become so important, becoming one of my most cared possessions, that I seal my urge to take it everywhere with me, just like with this stone, so I won't lose it. It would make me really sad to lose this.
Funny how something so seemingly unimportant becomes such a valuable treasure just because it lies in place in the web of your brain, that ripples to other good memories, and becomes the center for a more pleasurable part of your life.
And this I know...
We all need more pleasurable things and memories in our life.
Ill treasure this coin with all my strength.

Orientation School - First Class of Spiritual Guidance
- Energy is the essence! All beings in this world are fundamentally made of energy, be it human, animal, beast plant, not only them but all objects such as rocks, weapons and clothes. The only exception for this are creatures and objects created through magic spells, not summons as these bring creatures from other places.
The teacher walked to the front of his desk slowly. He wore a dark green overcoat, with a black shirt, and brown pants. His belt had some items attached to it, mostly potions and other utensils for teaching. He held his hand upfront.
- As you all know, every living being has the ability, with few exceptions, to manifest this energy upon the world, like this. - He said concentrating his own energy in the palm of his hand, which after some instants began to glow, and with a bright flash appeared a small bird in his hand.
The young ones didn't seem greatly surprised, but more as dazzled by the beauty of the power.
- Most of you have experienced a bit with your own spirit. Of course most of you can't do much more than simple manipulation of the elements, but we are all here to learn more about these powers and how to develop them. So, first of all, does any one remember how many spirits are there?
Some of them raised their hands shyly and said sixteen.
- Good. Sixteen elements, being Life, Death, Time, Space, Light, Darkness, Fire, Water, Earth, Wind, Thunder, Neutral, Animal, Plants, Mind and Body. They each represent one of the elements from nature. So why do you think our spirits are important?
- Because we can't survive without it. - Said a boy in the front.
- Because it is what gives us power. - Said a girl near the window.
- Because it makes us what we are. - Said another girl in the back of the class.
- When we are born, the energy from around us come to gather in our body, and give us life, allowing us to be part of nature. Even the most isolated creature in the universe, and any parallel plane, is given the spiritual gift. One may not even use it, but having it allows our conscientiousness to be within our body, and thus making us a whole being.
The teacher walked towards the window. Only to say in calm but gloomy voice.
- We all know that no being can exist devoid of spiritual energy, but even so, people talk of beings who have no soul, no spirit, and live only to hunt those who have spiritual energy. I've never seen one, and highly doubt they do in fact exist. With energy we are a part of this world, and as we live, we borrow this energy from existence, so that when we die, this energy returns to be recycled with all the purest energy of the world.
The children seemed to be mixed the awe and fear, but were all paying close attention to their teacher's words. He stepped back to behind his desk, and started writing into the projection screen.
- During this course we will see the nuances of each spirit, where does it come from, and where does it go to. The delicate balance in nature among the spirits. A little history. And of course, will practice a lot to control our own energy.
The sound of pencils writing down the topics filled the class. This was the first class, the first of many. Those were the children who would learn to use their own spirits for their own will. From then on, theory would come to practice, and that they needed a lot.

Eerie Feeling
Where I come from, we've got a different religion. Not we as a nation, we as a collective of people.
We basically chose what we wanted to believe in, from all the things that are unexplainable things.
And even for some things physics try to explain, we simply believe there's something more, because even physics know there is something missing in their equations.
The thing is.
Some days ago I was feeling this adrenaline surge. This crushing feeling in the heart.
From what I believe, this kind of sensation means some sort of premonition. Not the classic one where one dreams about something that is about to happen, but more like when you know there is something out of place, or someone you care for is in danger.
It had been a long time since the last time I felt this way. Years.
This one came crushing down with such force, sometimes I couldn't even get up from the bed.
It is sort of panicking to feel that which is most precious to you being ripped away and yet not knowing why, when, where, who or even if.
Some people, I believe, have the gift to feel their surroundings and extract more from it than just what sight, hearing, touch, smelling and tasting gives them.
I felt... so many things. Things I once called rips in the fabric of time space. Mainly an anomaly in the world. Be it precognition, omen, farsight or whatever, I had a knack for knowing when something odd was about to happen.
It felt like time had collapsed around me.
Powerless
Without knowledge
Oblivious
Dark
Even though I searched for what was wrong, I did not find anything.
Good I guess. But I wonder nonetheless if something had just started to snowball from that point.
Twists and turns, spikes of feeling nearly seeming like that one, the last few weeks have been confusing.
But in the end, all was to remind me... of what I knew, of what I signed in for.
I live cursed.
Or that is what I was led to believe.
Can one have so little luck?

The Legacy of the Future
Future is uncertain and unknown.
Forgetting people who believe in fate, and destiny, and that the future is already certain.
What we fail to perceive among uncertainty and our only interest in one's own life, is that there are things about the future that are bound to happen.
Most of the time we consider the future can hold great things, and that solo perspective is what makes some people fight against all odds.
Sometimes people talk about but never really stopped to perceive what the future of this world is.

I for one, have been saying for many years that I won't have children, not so much because I don't want to, but more for many reasons that escape my control. Among these reasons, stand the logic that bringing a child into this world is just wrong for a child. Not drastically, but I reason like this.
As years pass we are reaching the end of some natural resources that we can't restore. So in some years, not a lifetime, but maybe in the next millennium, water will become a critical issue, not to mention the shortage of oil will cause great chaos in the economy system. We have global warming, we have the raise of the sea levels. Basically we are headed towards a more chaotic world and in my vision, worse. Worse unless something huge is done.

Well, recently I saw this video about economy. About how our baking system works, and were the money comes from. After 40 minutes, lacking 7 because it didn't load the end, I renewed my faith that we are headed towards really rough times.
Our economic system is naturally flawed, and doomed to crash, the thing is, it's crash can be forever delayed as long as we can extract natural values, resources, from the planet. That will take who knows how long, but as population grow, resources fade, eventually will face a world wide economic crisis.

I don't like being bleak, but the future is going to be though, on anyone there to face it. As for the present, I'll do my best for a better life/world. But people really need to acquire some consciousness about what is going on, and what will be in time. Economists have foreseen it, but they are a very little minority.
As long as we delay it, the more difficult it will be to fight it.

Countermeasures
The seal loosened with each blow.
The seal used to contain the beast.
Were it to break, there would be once again a long period of darkness to face.
It seemed like the fight would go on for a while. So measures were taken.
First, hide, where the blows don't reach. Let some time pass so the wounds stop bleeding.
Isolation would be but temporary, as the time demanded confrontation. So prepare for battle.
Take in the breeze fresh air.
Prepare another talisman to keep the seal under check.
And last, silently step through the shadows, avoiding needless confrontations and stick with what is important.
No more joining extra fights.
No more expecting help.
Fighting alone is better training, and is more reliable.
May this new bond hold the inner demon. May it allow a clean fight.

Dive!
In an unexpected turn of events, I entered a diving course.
On more of a new, I got a job, it began this last week.
Seems like a really great turn of events right ^^.
Diving, though, is a risky business. Leaving your own environment, going into an unknown place. It can be great, but you may find yourself surrounded and facing more grief than you prepared for.
So it was how I learned that a seemingly good week turns to a bad one on the flash of a lightning, and that presence of light, followed suddenly by it's absence.
So, on work, I had no computer to work there, since it is in programming I can do very little without a computer, so I would go to work at home. Huge mistake... I forgot Murphy was watching. Two days I had blackouts here at home, one for eight hours, and the other for four, right on the time a was going to work.
Oh just two days right? No... the other day I went out with a friend for a movie. Had to wait for half an hour, and the movie stirred up those sad feelings buried deep inside, but she seemed more unconcerned than I'd like. Upon my arrival home, I went to my computer thinking of working, only to find the internet down. One day I had to take a friend to the hospital to check up her stomach, which was hurting, once again, no internet when I got home. And the last day was just about the lack of internet.
At the end I produced more during the time I spent at work, even without a computer. But I produced a lot less than I find acceptable.
On the diving class, on the last class (the one that is more practical, therefore more fun) my air ran out first, leaving me doing nothing for the last half an hour of the class.
At the end of the week, to relax, I went to play on my nintendo Wii. Ten minutes into the game, both of my battery pairs were dried out. So no fun for me.
Well... things now seem a bit more normal. The extra theoretical class for the diving course went really smoothly today.
The course was really nice, especially the practical parts ^^. I can't wait to go to my baptism on Parati. I say it is a nice experience for anyone who likes water, swimming. So if you have a chance, do it. The wonders under the sea are great things to observe... one of those must try experiences.
As for me, I end this week feeling sad, for many reasons, wishing to find something to cry about, and just trying to plan next week with the little time I'll have.
Diving into anything in life is uncertain, but at least diving at sea is more predictable, and you'll most likely have an instructor the first time, so if you wanna dive into something, go for Scuba Diving.

Collective Restraint

You, who softly touched my chest.
Who looked into my eyes, and smiled calmly.
You came near my face, lips close to ear. You spoke gentle words, words so intimate that my belt should not hear them.
You held my hand. You asked about my past. You told me about yours.
You seemed so perfect. We seamed great together.
But you... YOU... you were the one who mocked me in front of our friends.
You barely spoke with me, and when you did, you always called others into conversation.
You frequently ran to greet and talk to others, leaving me alone.

Masks. Restraints. Acts. Posers.
Most people have a closet full of masks. One mask for each occasion. For some people in particular, for groups, of friends, coworkers, family, teammates. Internet has proportionated a vast chance to do this. In each forum, online game, instant messaging and chat rooms identities are lost, replaced with masks of who we wish to be.
Normal, common.
I hate it... for two main reasons.
Because of people who you know (by experience, or intuition) that could be great friends with you, if only you had the time to be alone and become friends, but the person is NEVER alone, always wandering in groups of friends. When you propose to do something, the first reaction is to invite the rest of the group.
And because of people who are the nicest friends, you get along really well, only when alone. In groups it is if you never existed.
Surely most people do this, even your's truly. You don't play around with sex jokes around your family, and you can't mock people from your work. Each social interaction is unique in it's own way, and so you need to act accordingly.
I won't say it is wrong, because it probably isn't, but I feel very frustrated when I meet someone who only knows how to function in a group, never goes out without the group, and in the group you just can't become friends, you may only become part of the group.
You see, these restraints imposed by social interaction, limit the proximity of people in your life. With REALLY rare occasions people in a group are just close, rarely being intimate enough, like pairs of friends usually are.
I know being alone with someone, other than boy/girlfriend, is rare, with the few time we have in our world. That comes to be really annoying when you know a really great person, with great conversation, that when with others isn't the same. The conversation aren't as fun, as intimate, as comfortable.
Comfortable. That's the difference.
Statistically speaking, the chance of one feeling comfortable enough to talk personal things is much higher with one friend than with six. This serves as a restraint about conversations.
The so called collective restraint. The things one won't talk within a group, but would when sitting alone.
I hate to lose a possible friend to such a stupid social barrier.
Masks are there to ease adaptations to new and different situations, not to isolate us from a true bond.Publish Post
Just remember to sometimes take of the masks, and let your true self breath and maybe make some friends, it's important for you, and for them.