Deep Down in Chaos
This may be one of the 10 words I like/use most. Chaos. It's not that I like it, it's not good (usually) when things happen in a chaotic way, but since human society is so complex that it can't avoid being chaotic, I find an interesting thing to analyze this chaos and try to make sense of it.
Now I think I tripped and fell inside the chaos. Among all tests, works to do, programs to make, people to play with, go out with, talk with, games to play and movies to see I find myself lost, I don't know what to do. Feelings have been clashing inside of me, depending on the day, on the latest events, I feel one thing, that may be completely different from the day before. I have been very worried about tests, and after some of them passed, the worst ones, I felt more calm as I think I did better than I was expecting. But I am still worried, there are many things to do and very little time.
Now my feeling are being stirred up by some people near me. I've tried to protect myself by being alone, but in the end I can't distance myself too much from people. One person said to me that she felt I was distancing myself, that she still wanted to be my friend, this rippled inside of me stronger than I wanted, it feeds hope, but as I see nothing different I feel the pain of before just waiting to happen again, I wonder if there is a way I can't imagine in which this will turn out to be good for me!?! Other girl entered my life, this relationship is kind of complicated, I still hold back my feelings, in part because I am in NO condition of getting hurt again, but mostly because I fear I'll hurt her, and she does not deserve it, she is very nice ^^. Random people keep complaining that I've been disappeared, but they lack to notice that the only change was that I've stopped going after everyone, and since no one comes after me, it seems as if I went away. One great friend of mine has been in his world, I feel the distance.
Chaos has been reigning in my life, every relationship has been tormented by this. Now I hold back in fear. I want somethings to fall in place, some frindships, but I still fear to get hurt. The problem is, my self defence mechanism is too strong, and may hurt others. The only way around this would be getting me in a very calm day, by surprise, without shaking everything, and gently try to reach me without touching any scars. Yeah I know... too much trouble right?!
I used o let down my guard around some special people, today, there is only one and a half person to which I would lower my guard if entrance was requested.
But I say to myself, the words of a nice song I heard, epic, my style:
I will rise up from the chaos
I will rise up from the grave
A brother to the darkness
A master to the slave.

Someday I'll be fully back, fighting with all my courage, power and wisdom. Until then I ask that Nyx waches over me.

Love, true Love.
It takes a lot to be true love, basicly it takes a lot for anything to be "true". Love may take great ordeals, may result in the worst decisions in your life, it may be the cause of your soul ripping apart but you'll probably not realise it until it is too late.
I would be too much pretentious if I would try to explain what is true love. I have my opinion but it surely is different from others, but since it is what can break any shield, and touch the deepest and most emotional parts of my heart and leave me helpless in tears, I take it is what my heart believes.
I find that most of the time true love comes along with true friendship. Of course, since I haven't seen any of those in real life, any references I have come from fictional histories. These histories have been serving as an inspiration for me for some time now.
I complain a lot to myself about what I have been through, and I still find it all unfair, but I feel that I should respect the memories of those who showed true love in the histories. So whenever I remember those moments, or when I get sad, I think that some people(even if fictional) trully loved someone and were loved back, but eventually never had the chance to enjoy this. For that I must not stop in trivial things, I am still alive, and may find true love in the future, so I must not give up,or I'll be betraying their memories.

For Rosette, for Sakura, for Tia, for Saber, for Selan.

For each tear dropped, a memory inside.
For each tear lost, a dream forgotten.
For each tear absorbed, a little hope regained.
And with that hope, I shall not give up!

"If you don't cry when you want to, you are not going to smile" - Negi Springfield.

In addition, researchers also are discovering that people who cry frequently enjoy better health overall.

May everyone find true love and true friendship, that way the world would be a better place. At least... mine would be ^^.

A Hand Offering

You who hide in silence
protected by a huge maze
avoiding meeting my gaze
leaving words in cadence

I hope you can hear my words
they are no more than simple
should they not go into records
at least cause you smile to ripple

I think I get why you want to be alone
I am from the elemental of darkness
alone is where I plant my happiness
but back there, a door made of stone

a path where nice people can come
nice like you, who can bring hope
but something for you to overcome
let people climb in, offer a rope

I search a way inside you life
I guess I can't help myself
Trying not to cause a strife
I wall using all me stealth

maybe someday I'll find the door
I will knock gently, a sign of calm
I'll wait to hear the voice I adore
and if you open, I'll offer my palm

Either come with me, or let me in
I'll jump and sing to make you smile
I'll use my grace, and all my style
to make you laugh until you spin

Forgive me for the intrusion
I meant no harm, or confusion
I do this only to make you better
that is why I give you this letter

It may not seem, but hear the truth
I may not be brimming with youth
But it makes me glad trying to assist
To make you happy is why I insist

I ask for nothing but a chance
To empower your inner light
To let your soul out to dance
Make you sing with all you might

I may be just another friend
Maybe not what you asked for
but here I am, up to the end
Waiting to meet you at the door

So not to be inconvenient
I'll try to keep my distance
Still offering my assistance
Hoping you don't feel so absent.

I may not have all the words, all the aswers or even listen to you the way that I should,
but my heart wants to tell you to be happy, or I'll be there trying to make you smile.
I can offer you little but my company, but sometimes that is all it takes ^^.
This is for you Ju, may not be much, but it's my way of trying ^^.

Into the Golden Sunset
All the way up the hill, a lonely figure stares at the horizon. From up there he can see many familiar places, thought they all seem distante now. Covering his black outfit, the cape over his shoulders almost reached the ground, leaving just a bit of his black boot to show. The front revealed his black thin armor from the small part the cape didn't cover. The dark sunglasses alowed him to look the beautiful sun set, without much disconfort. Hanging from his ears were the earphones, white ones, concealed by the hood of his cape, playing this sweet melody. As his sight was forward into the sunset, and his hearing taken away by music, he couldn't avoit feeling a bit umprotected, so from time to time, he would cover the sun using his sword, and take a peek into the reflection on the blade, to see if no one was behind him.
The quick glance revealed someone approaching him, but the image was too blurry to show who it was, so he sheathed his sword, and hung the earphones by the knot holding his cape, so he could hear the misterious person draw near. The steps were soft, but nothing peculiar about them, nothing but the sound getting closer, but at least it was clear that whoever it was, he or she did not intend to sneak up on him, so he waited. When the steps stopped, he knew the person was near, but did not move, he was waiting to see what would happen.
A strong hand calmly held his left shoulder, even if he was prepared for it, he could not avoid flinching a bit when he felt the hand on his shoulder. The figure stepped into sight, but said nothing, he glanced to see who it was trying not to move his head, it was an old friend, so he relaxed and returned his sight to the beautiful view.
After some minutes of silence he began to wonder. "What, no questions asked? No trying to change my attention? How odd."
- You found a very nice place to see this beautiful sunset, you could have told me there was such a nice place here. - he smiled softly.
- Guess I forgot, sorry. - he smiled back.
- I remember you telling me how nice it was to see the sunset, to watch nature's beauty. Guess you were right as always.
More minutes passed, the light was getting dimmer, the sun was almost hidden behind the mountain. The wind played with the two friends' hair, but did not bother, only refreshed...
- Do you want to duel a bit? Just for fun?
His thoughts wandered back, "Sometimes, silence is better, at least better than the wrong words. Friends don't need words." he smiled. "This will be fun."
- Sure why not.
He undid the knot dropping his cape on the ground, he put the sheath of the sword and the music player over the cape and gladly prepared his sword to duel with his friend, a nice ending for the day.

Dive into the Heart
That is the name of song ^^. It is a simple chorus, but the music grows, and the context where it plays make you look into you heart and question youself, and when the music gets to into you can't avoid facing the darkness inside your heart, are you up to it?
Once again using the definition where darkness refers to something bad or evil, and light to a good thing, I shall tell you what I saw. Past a see of thoughts and feelings, guided by the pumping sound, I found it (not that it was hard, I know well where it is) lying on that empty space, majestic and strong. I couldn't help to be shocked at what I saw, I think it was fair given all that I have been through, but even so I can be shocking when you actually face the darkness in your own heart.
I never imagined it could reach this state, and yet, it may seem that the darkness is little for some people, and it is, but for me this level was unexpected. Many scars ran from one side to the other, some deep, but most shallow, each one covered in darkness, and I knew that behind the darkness was a unprotected wound that wanted to bleed. Interesting to notice that the darkness, the evil part of your heart is actually a powerful healing force, strong enough to protect your wounds, and give them time to heal. The social consequences of this are bad since whenever someone wanders too near your wounds the darkness tends to attack and hurt anyone so close, with so much evil flowing in your heart you have more tendency to be evil(obviusly), witch is something I rather not.
The heart still had its glow, wherever there wan't darkness a blueish light glowed, vividly, showing that my heart was doing its job, and was basicly ok. After some time I could see, deep inside it, that little golden glow, a tiny sphere in the depths of my heart, the things that will never change inside me, what defines me, what should be remembered when my name is called out. But then I saw, a sad tear rolled down me cheek, this should never have happenned. A wound so deep, it actually touched the golden sphere, I knew I was different, something wasn't right, I lost something important, the drive, it was it. The golden light was resisting bravely, fighting back the dark wound, I thinks someday it may win, but for now I'll be walking less of myself than I've ever been.
I guess it is for the best the way darkness has grown, I'd rather not have, but in these conditions it is better, it helps me not getting more wounds, but it may hurt people I don't want to, and as a sign of the darkness, I can't avoid thinking that some people, not generally speaking but some specific people, deserve to suffer, somewhat I can't help the desire to see them in pain, but not gratuitous pain which is useless, but a realisation pain, that in which you feel the pain you have caused, and strive to be a better person, and cause less pain to others.
You see how letting the darkness grow can be a bad thing?! But this is the darkside, I am too much of a goodside to hurt, seriously hurt, anyone. Besides the light is still strong in my heart, but serves to warn now, if I ever hurt you, remember it may not be because I want, it probably is just my defensive system.
I feel the pain
I feel the sorrow
many many tears
dried for tomorrow
Inside the darkness
a pure strong glow
of a innocent heart
letting hatred flow
I can let it go away
I need the shield
protect me the next day
the evil guides me
if you don't want to help
then please let me be.

A good game.
I have finished playing Kingdom Hearts, for playstation 2, I am a huge fan of the games developed by Squaresoft, and I have to say this was a great production., The idea of mixing characters of Disney with those of Final Fantasy may sound strange, but only the great Squaresoft con pull out a stunt like that and turn it into something magnificent. Great soundtrack, great gameplay, great graphics, anda a perfect history, just the way you can say again those old morals of being nice without sounding repetitive. Its was nice to see friends fighting to save friends from the darkness in their hearts, friendships being made out of pure companionship and the power inside everyones heart.
"Remember, no matter how dark things may seem, you heart always holds a shed of light"
I may sound suspicious to say these things, so if you doubt me, play and see for yourselves. If you believe me, play and have lots of hours of fun ^^. I have been seeing and playing many things these days that have been reminding me of what means to be nice. Always nice, but... well, maybe I'll say on the next time.